Bizzare

I idolised Bert Wilfredrich.

Every day, I always thought to myself that I was going to be like him, maybe even exceed his achievements. As the son of the businessman Hoppy Wilfredrich, Bert was naturally a genius.

Not just any genius but a revolutionary one.

I first heard about him on the radio.

It was a rainy, cold evening. Bored out of my mind, I sat on the carpet next to my comatose mother. I left the radio on for her, for I always knew she loved listening to it. Although I never understood why she would anticipate this moment every night, today I decided to try to distinguish the words from the constant static buzzing and the turbulent winds.

"--and we have joining us, Bert Wilfredrich!"

The interviewer eagerly introduced this man, then rambled about his latest achievements. To be honest, it was really boring, the words came in one ear and went out of the other.

"Bert, how do you feel, accomplishing this much at the age of ten?"

PFFFT-

I spat out the water I was drinking. Ten? So he wasn't a middle-aged man who was under a delusion that he was special!? He was basically my age!

Still awestruck by the fact his age was equivalent to mine, I couldn't stop thinking about him. He had his name out in the world while I was a nobody!

Later that week I decided to do some research on him.

He was flawless in every aspect, brains, physique, looks, popularity, and kindness. I wanted to meet him one day. Not as a mere brainless fanboy but as his upstanding, amazing rival, yet at the same time, an important figure he could rely on. With renewed determination, I strived forth, promising myself to try harder.

But the day he went missing, my dreams crumbled.

I had to repurpose my whole life.

Fortunately, at the lowest point of my life, a miracle happened.

I closed my eyes and rubbed them before widening them again.

Tears of joy dripped onto the letter in my hand. I hastily attempted to dry the watery blotches from my name inscribed with majestic calligraphy.

I was invited to the castle.

Finally… My efforts have paid off.

***

Bert Wilfredrich isn't actually missing? When I found out my idol was invited to the Castle, and he was actually our guide for my orientation, my heart fluttered with excitement.

My peers too seemed delighted about his fact, and soon the courtyard bustled as we began to chatter with utmost excitement. We shielded our faces against the blaring sunlight with our "Introduction to the Castle" booklets. I whispered eagerly with agreement to another as she discussed her admiration for Bert.

"HEYY~~! Ay~ Nice to meet you all! I'm going to be guiding you through your orientation! UWU take care of me~!"

We whipped around to see a man standing on the shoulders of a giant statue. The monument had a bronze sign clearly stating "DO NOT CLIMB." but this didn't seem to bother him one bit as posed dramatically, unfazed when the students gawked at him.

He blushed as fluttered his eyelashes coyly (which looked really wrong on his face) and giggled, "Teeheehee! I know I'm such a beauty, but no need to stare at me like that!". The man's monobrow wriggled as his non-existent nostrils on his large orange spherical nose flared.

Unaware of how much second-hand embarrassment everyone felt just from glancing at him, he proceeded to blow kisses at the crowd and made a pathetic effort at aegyo.

"..."

"No response? I guess you guys are the shy type!" The man climbed down the statue, in the process caught his water balloons that enhanced his bosom on the sword hilt on the sculpture, causing it to pop.

"..."

The man strode towards us pretending his shirt wasn't wet and his fake eyelashes didn't fall onto his cheeks. He grinned proudly, further emphasising the smeared lipstick, the resemblance between the Joker and this man was uncanny.

"..."

Everyone just stood there, staring, as the remains of the balloon on his shirt slipped onto the floor, prompting a heavy splat.

I couldn't stand it anymore, someone had to say something.

"Yo- You're not Bert Wil- fredrich!" I stuttered, pointing an accusatory finger at him.

The man raised his eyebrows, before sighing as if this has happened too much, "I am."

***

Narrator's POV

"'I hope you didn't grow too attached to the previous narrator because he was just an insignificant extra. Continuing on.'"

Bert is the epitome of when-someone-is-the-recipient-of-unwanted-expectations.

He never met them.

He never cared.

It was the last thing he needed anyway.

He would rather take a shower than have people kiss his ass because he was famous, and that says a lot considering he kept a streak of one billion, one hundred and eighty million, twenty-six thousand, seven hundred and forty-one years of living an unhygienic lifestyle.

Needless to say, he obviously never took a single step into a shower in those one billion, one hundred and eighty million, twenty-six thousand, seven hundred and forty-one years.

Of course, this was nothing compared to his friend, who held the record of three billion, four hundred and seventy-six million, eight hundred and five thousand, two hundred and nine years of unhygienic lifestyle.

But if you asked anyone, 'unhygienic lifestyle' was an absolute understatement. Voluntarily living in the dumpster, basking in sewage, feasting on trash, and enjoying it.

Just imagine the foul odor from the so-called unhygienic lifestyle- okay now scratch that.

It's thousands times worst than you can fathom.

Ever since Bert joined the Castle, he threw away his previous identity as a genius and took on a new one, one of a criminal. From then on he lived a life as if there was no tomorrow.

"'Anyways, back on topic.'"

"BERT! STOP THIS NONSENSE!" A woman shrieked, everyone stared at her, for she was equally as famous as Bert, for she was the co-founder of Hoppy's company, Bethany.

But this was actually her alias, her real name was Berry, because who would use their joke of an embarrassing real name?

"Awww-"

"Don't 'Aw' me! I gave you a chance and you ruined it! Leave!"

Bert's head drooped when he purposely sulked audibly, as he was sent away.

"Okay! I bet you're all confused right now, I'm sorry, please ignore Bert. I'm Bethany and I will be taking over your orientation. Any questions?" Berry smiled.

The students were thoroughly convinced that the person they just met was someone else whose name was identical to their idol. Putting aside their bewilderment at the unexpected welcome, they were determined to make a good impression on her, so they nodded as if in a trance and promptly replied, "No, ma'am!".

"Good," she tapped her foot on the ground in morse code, and quickly added,

"Trash everything you know about the world.

In the depths of the Castle, common knowledge is a liability. I don't mean it in a supernatural or fantasy way either.

But every single thing here is bizarre. And just to let you know, you should trash your definition of 'bizarre' as well.

Because here, 'bizarre' is brought onto a whole new level."