Home is where my heart is

Drew's Flashback

When I dropped her home, even without her actions, I knew she was angry but I didn't do anything about it, I certainly don't want to lose her but I feel it heavy on me to open up. 

Kauna holds a special place in my heart, and I am afraid of jeopardizing our relationship by being too guarded. The drive back home was tedious, and I spent the time reflecting on my childhood.

My earliest memory takes me back to a carefree time when I was around five years old. At that time, physical appearance held no importance to me, and I was a happy-go-lucky, chubby kid. Being born into a wealthy family in London, I enjoyed all the privileges that came with it.

My days were filled with structured activities, such as language classes and piano lessons, that were common among kids from similar backgrounds. My life was characterized by comfort and convenience, and I had everything I wanted without having to worry about basic necessities.

As I grew older, I developed a particular interest in horseback riding, but eventually, my preferences changed. However, throughout my childhood, I remained oblivious to the struggles that people outside of my privileged circle faced daily. I was fortunate enough to live a life of luxury, and I relished every moment of it.

I had an older brother who was three years older than me. Despite being raised by the same parents, I often felt like they favoured him over me. He was the ideal child, while I struggled to meet their expectations and dealt with weight issues. Nevertheless, our brotherly bond remained strong.

I idolized my brother and emulated everything he did. Whenever he was not around, I would sneak into his room and play with his toys, fascinated by everything he owned. Unfortunately, my curiosity sometimes caught up with me, and he would come back to find me in his room, resulting in him getting angry with me.

As time went on, I found it hard to resist the temptation of sneaking into my brother's room and rifling through his belongings. When I was about 13 years old, I found myself in his room once again, searching for something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

However, my brother had grown wise to my curious ways and had become more creative in hiding things that he didn't want me to find. But this only made me more determined to improve my searching skills. I looked inside his shoes, behind his bed, and even in the small hole he made in the wall that our parents were unaware of.

I knew it was wrong to invade his privacy like this, but I couldn't help myself. It was as if I was living vicariously through him, trying to experience his life through the things he owned. I felt guilty every time he caught me, but the thrill of discovering something new always outweighed the guilt.

This was the first time I found drugs in my brother's shoes hidden, I knew little about it but I still knew it was wrong. I paid no mind to it, kept searching his things hoping to find something else and there it was a hidden CD, I wondered what movie it was and why was he hiding that, snuck out with it and played it on my portable DVD player.

It was my first encounter with porn, and I was both fascinated and scared. I knew that what I was watching was wrong, but I couldn't help but feel drawn to it. As I watched, I couldn't help but wonder if my brother had been watching these types of videos for a long time.

I felt a sense of guilt and betrayal as if I had stumbled upon something that I wasn't supposed to see. I didn't know how to process my emotions, and I certainly didn't know who to talk to about it. So, I kept it a secret, something that only I knew.

But that discovery marked the end of my innocence. I realized that the world wasn't as simple and straightforward as I had believed it to be. I was now aware that there were things happening around me that I didn't understand, things that were too mature for my age.

I had a new habit now, watching the porn I found in my brother's room, I couldn't get the images out of my head, and I found myself yearning for more. Whenever my brother was out of the house, I would sneak into his room and play the CD on my portable DVD player. It was like a forbidden fruit that I couldn't get enough of. The more I watched, the more curious and adventurous I became with my body.

After repeatedly watching the video, I had memorized it, intrigued but I wanted more, I searched my brother's room, hoping to discover something new. Inside, I noticed an increased number of drugs and an unfamiliar rolled-up paper with contents inside. As I attempted to open it, the contents spilt everywhere. Suddenly, I heard the door open and panicked. It was our housekeeper, who needed to clean my brother's room. In a hurry, I fled the room, leaving everything behind.

It was a close call and I knew I couldn't risk getting caught. I tried to act nonchalant, pretending like I was just passing by. But as I walked away, I couldn't shake off the curiosity of wanting to know what my brother was doing with all those drugs and why was he hiding them, I knew I had to find out.

Days turned into weeks and I continued to sneak into his room whenever I had the chance. I found more drugs, some hidden in his socks, others stashed away in the pockets of his jackets. I even found some strange-looking powders in his drawers.

After our agreement, I never brought up the topic again and focused my attention on watching the videos my brother gave me. I was captivated by the endless stream of entertainment they provided and spent countless hours indulging in them.

On that Christmas morning, I never could have imagined the harrowing turn my day would take. The weight of the tragedy that awaited me felt unbearable, but nothing could have prepared me for what I would discover.

During the Christmas break of 2013, I came home from Oxford where I was attending school and spent time with my family. Despite our diverse religious beliefs and values, we still celebrated Christmas and exchanged gifts. It was a rare occurrence for me as a child, as my father was often absent from our family gatherings. However, on this particular day, I had the opportunity to spend the entire day with him.

As I made my way through my family's home, searching for my brother, I felt a sense of unease settling deep in my stomach. And when I finally found him, lifeless on the floor of his room, the shock and horror of the moment were almost too much to bear.

In the days and weeks that followed, we learned the heart-breaking truth about my brother's death. He had overdosed on a lethal mix of drugs and alcohol, and the guilt and regret I felt were overwhelming.

The weight of guilt consumed me, as I couldn't help but blame myself for my brother's tragic demise. The signs were there all along - the drugs he hid in plain sight, the odd behaviour that I chose to overlook. Maybe he was trying to reach out for help in his own way, and I failed to recognize it.

The thought of what could have been gnawed at me day and night. If only I had spoken up earlier, maybe things would have turned out differently. I was haunted by the "what ifs" and plagued by the guilt of not doing enough.

I struggled to cope with the overwhelming emotions following my brother's death, and I never talked to anyone about it. Instead, I found myself seeking out ways to distract myself and feel alive. But nothing seemed to satisfy the void inside me, and I found myself engaging in meaningless sex as a way to escape my pain for years and trying almost anything with a rush.

But then I met Kauna on the rooftop, and everything changed. In her presence, I felt a stirring deep within me. It was like I had been searching for her without even realizing it. She was like a drug to me, and I was addicted to the thrill of being with her. Sex has been a temporary escape, but it's not enough. I want something more intense, something that makes me feel alive.

With Kauna, I felt alive in a way that I hadn't before. There was a sense of danger and recklessness that I craved, and our passion was intense and all-consuming. For the first time since my brother's death, I felt like I was truly living.

I couldn't concentrate on anything else, and the thought of losing her was making me feel sick. I know that I need to reach out to her but it's easier said than done. I just hope that whatever is going on, we can work it out and get back to being the way we were before.

I keep thinking about how to open up to Kauna about my brother's death. It's not easy for me to show my vulnerable side, especially to someone I care about so deeply. She always sees me as confident and unbothered, but the truth is, I am still haunted by the loss of my brother.

I fear that opening up to her will make me appear weak and unattractive. What if she loses interest in me because of it? But I know I need to be honest with her, and I can't keep pretending that everything is okay.