15. The Fall of a Beginning

"The cycle of birth and death is a hundred thousand of tribulations. They reincarnate like a chain, formless and indeterminate. All the hard work and labor will be forever rotated, no matter who you are, what you have become… The decision, however, is not arranged in fate. The chess game is in your hands, how to move and control the pieces is entirely up to you. Find out for yourself the meaning of every death, and the value of every life, for nothing is truly meaningless."

Someone had told me those words, but no matter how hard I tried with the awareness that was still extremely hazy, it was impossible to evoke even a single slice of memory about them.

Well, now's not the time to think about it.

Struggling to get up from the ruins, I suspect I'm still breathing.

Still.

The pupils stared at Lair's body, both naked.

Head dripping with drops of blood, feeling numb.

They have humiliated this poor child, and she now has a disgusting smell all over her, probably from those wild freaks.

Pressing my ear to her chest, she breathed weakly, her heartbeat ragged, her clothes torn.

It didn't matter either, who here would witness the shameful sight, as their irises were gouged out, devoured; who here will laugh scornfully when their tongue is bitten, spared.

Oh my, that's disgusting...

But the truth itself is not much better.

Hugging Lair, I wrapped my arms around her waist.

Then where will we go, from here on out?

Wearing the military uniform of the departed comrades, walking slowly in the middle of the dusty desert, the sun burned the poor man's skin, making the eyes closed.

In the distance, I could faintly see the figure of someone being chased and beaten.

Surely, their fates were cut short as soon as they caught sight of the demons.

There is no way out.

Human life is now no less inferior than the ants, and who have the power to always trample on harmless "ants".

It is hardly worth the thinking effort…

Who am I to criticize this rotten society, because those who claim to be entitled to it, either stand at the top, or die without a body.

After a short step, I fell to my knees.

Unable to move even an inch, I burst into tears.

Sour waters mixed with blood and bones.

It was there, I heard a familiar voice.

"Ray, you know? Before joining the army, I used to play with grains of sand. They are tiny, when wet, they become viscous, the feeling of the wind blowing away, flying into the eyes, alternating between the hair is really fun. An innocent little girl I know loves simple things very much. Which girl is currently traveling to a faraway place, maybe we won't see each other any time soon. Because of that, I appreciate it even more, sand of all things, where many memories about her remain… I mean, you're also being supported by sand, the body of mother earth. Come on, let's bring Lair back to …"

S has been here ever since, holding this resentful face, resting my head on her chest.

What did I do to pay such a heavy price, what did I not know to bear my own stupidity, what did I choose to break my ankle every time I walk...

Are you punishing this helpless child, or are you just trying to write a tragic life, a tragic drama about a man rotting before himself, my God...

Quietly, I leaned up a little, whispering to S.

"S, I guess you know, I can no longer trust anyone. And you too, there's no difference. But somehow, the woman still defies concern for the poor man, no matter how hard the other tries to expose the ambiguity, the paranoia, the illusory doubt. I asked you once, the reason why I couldn't prove it was all a lie. Will you tell me now, when I'm determined to put aside all doubts, when I live without the heaviness of life, will you tell me? That what you want… That I can believe you."

In the end, sometimes letting yourself fall asleep is a better choice.