6- Panic

Deep breath Xavy you can do this. It's simple, very much simple. Women all over the world does this everyday. It's no big deal. All you need to do is wear the lingerie, call him to observe and hang up the phone. Simple, very simple indeed.

I dialed the number and it started to ring. it felt like the world was about to end, like I was living my last day on earth. Omg I can't do this. I really can't. My heart, omg my heart it thudded in my chest. I could hear it like it was next to my ears. My hands suddenly started to shake. My vision disfigured, as if I were having a concussion and seeing six fingers instead of three.

Only a few seconds had passed but it felt like a lifetime. I can't do this. This is not for me. Hot tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was pathetic, having a panic attack towards a situation that isn't even that serious.

Sven answered the phone.

"Hi, oh it's you. I was beginning to think that you wasn't going to call me" he was smiling widely seeming overjoyed that I called.

I couldn't answer, I couldn't match his smile or excitement instead I clutched my chest. Hands wrapped so tightly around my bathrobe that my fingers began to hurt. Breathing was hard. Really hard. As if I'd been on a high speed car chase going 565567 miles per hour.

I cried harder, my chest growing tight as bile rose in my throat.

"Is everything okay? Are you okay? You don't seem okay, What's going on?" He spurred out in a rush. Getting scared and worried as he witnessed my state.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I wanted to do what you asked. I want to model the lingerie for you but I'm a coward. PATHETIC. I don't know what you saw in me. I can't even do this simple thing for you when you have been kind enough to buy me this beautiful gifts. I'm not brave enough or confident enough to wear them. I'm sorry." I ranted and hung up.

My phone started ringing, he was calling back. Should I answer it? No no no not after I embarrassed myself.

I put my head between my lap and forced myself to breathe. Deep breath in then out. Positivity in and negativity out. It will be okay Xavy, it will be okay.

The phone kept ringing and ringing. He wasn't giving up. I had no choice but to answer.

"Before you say anything and hang up again let me just say this. When I left that note I didn't have no intention for you to model or expose yourself to me anytime soon. In fact I thought you would call me to curse me out because I was being inappropriate. We just met I don't even know your name so I would never expect for you to do that. OKAY?"

"Okay"

"Are you all right? I really didn't mean for you to freak out like this. I feel really bad now. Damn."

Hearing that made me feel better taking in that information calmed my nerves. Now I made things awkward. I always do and say the wrong things. I need to say anything to get out of this tension filled space.

"My name is Xavyera by the way but I like it when people call me Xavy" I finally said hoping this would spur some conversation.

"Damn, nice name it's wayyy better than Sven"

We both laughed.

"I know we just started talking but can we talk tomorrow? I'm a little exhausted right now" I told him.

My panic attacks always leave me exhausted and I can feel my depression sipping in every second. I have burdened him with enough of my problems for one night.

"Sure thing.... Um I don't know what kind of person you are but I can tell that your soul is beautiful and I'm really hoping I would get to know you more. You don't need to say anything now but I'm just letting you know that I'll take this getting to know each other phase at your pase. Is that fine by you?" He ranted out sounding nervous with each word.

"Uh sure... But before I leave please promise me one thing"

"What's that?"

"Please promise that you'll let me know if you want to stop getting to know me early enough. I really hate when people go for kindness over honesty"

"Okay I promise"