3- Suicide

There were a point in my life where I was fighting hard for someone to love me because I was scared of being alone. Part of me also knew I was trying very hard to prove my mother wrong. She kept telling me no one will love me. She kept drilling it in my mind that I was different and for some reason felt that when I started developing scoliosis that it was my fault. Funny thing is at a point I started to believe that. I started hating myself not because I couldn't walk. I had already accepted and appreciated that part of me but it was because I developed another deformity that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life on top of my already visible disability.

I'm not saying that I blame my mom for her negativity because in fact I forgave her but that didn't mean she didn't ruin my confidence probably forever.

Then I met someone and he made me feel bad about trying too hard to  not be lonely that in the end I end up hurt all the time because after a while id just start a relationship with anybody so I wouldn't have to be lonely.

After that I started appreciating my loneliness but sometimes it was too much. When you isolate yourself your thoughts become very loud. You start pointing out all your flaws having your insecurities surface to the very top of your mind. You think about how fucked up the world is and how much your life sucks. Just wanting to fucking end it all.

I wanted to end it all. I thought for days upon days on how I would do it. Would it be pills, the blade from my mom's dresser or just slice my throat with one of the knives from the kitchen. I settled for the pills because I didn't want to leave a mess.

I even wrote a suicide note:

24th July 2019

    Dear everyone who reads this,

Normally I would write a poem with rhymes and metaphors to cover up my true meaning so no one would really understand what I really wanted to say but not this one. I want everyone to get a clear message of what I want to say. I don't want anyone to blame themselves even though a few of you contributed to this result. I don't want anyone to cry even if many of you contributed to the tears that I had shed but I think I'm in a better place now.

Anything would be better than living to be honest. I actually killed myself because I was tired of living, tired of going through the same routine every day, tired of hating the body I that I was in, tired of not feeling loved and appreciated, tired of being a burden to everyone and tired of everyone showing me how much of a burden I was to them (at least my mom told me straight up). I was just so tired if everything in my life and I really tried.

Tried to speak about it, write about it, I even cried but no one really listened, no one was willing to change and so I decided that I needed to leave.

I was done with my purpose of spreading joy to everyone I met. I gave away all my light to others and I was left with nothing so I just had to say goodbye to this world that I never fit in.

Goodbye!

From your New Angel.

In the end when I thought about my little sister and my grandma I decided against doing the act. Plus every time I attempted someone would disturb me so I said probably god needed me to bring more joy in the world.

The thing about negative thoughts are the more positivity you try to find out of a situation the more the negativity try to push through so when I said maybe I was here to spread joy that's when all the negative energy starts attacking my mind.

'Your purpose is to spread joy huh! So where is your joy?

Who is going to spread joy to you?

Are you going to continue letting everybody take advantage of your kindness?

You're so weak, letting people use you like that

Only weak people don't stand up for themselves

Now I see why no one loves you

That's why you're a burden

Why should you live when you're useless in standing up for yourself?'

It just continues on and on and on in my mind. Replaying, rewinding, and recycling every second in my mind until you have no choice other than breaking down.