Visiting that place with Kate

"You're always like this. Spacing out. Lorraine even says you look high, always zoned out. What are you thinking about?", Kate couldn't help but ask me when I drift off sometimes.

"I just keep remembering something. Did you know I have mild depression?"

"Depression? The only depression I know is the one from Math, the opposite of elevation."

"No, not that. Depression, like being super down, really sad. It's like remembering something really traumatic. That kind."

"So, what are you always remembering?"

"Promise you won't get mad? And don't change how you see me, okay?"

I told Kate everything about Jennifer and me. Everything, just laid it all out, no more, no less. I admitted that even after we found out we were first cousins, that incident happened again; it burned into my memory like a constant replay in the back of my mind. They say it's easier to store events in long-term memory when accompanied by intense emotion. Any kind; extreme sadness or joy. My brain couldn't process what I felt at that moment, and that memory got stuck between long-term and short-term memory. It's like a rare form of amnesia. My brain tries to fill in the blanks, like a Last Song Syndrome playing on repeat because we liked it or felt related to it. Our brain keeps replaying it to fully register it, but it can't memorize everything because we only heard the song for a limited time. Just like with Jennifer; the last recurring memory is in their backyard, the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, and our last intimate moment, all those events are etched and carved into my mind; it wasn't just simple lust but a feeling that seemed to build my identity but with a problem. Jennifer liked it, she even initiated... But she also said we should forget each other. I couldn't even cry... I'm confused about what emotion to show when that topic comes up.

For the first time with Kate, I teared up and felt a weight lifted off my chest.

"You loved her, she loved you. Now, you're not together. Just remove the cousin part from the equation. There, it's normal, right?"

"Wish it was that easy---", I started to say.

"Oh, oh, oh!! Stop! Stop!! Enough!! Enough!! You guys are over! I'm here now! I'm your girlfriend."

One rainy July afternoon, and I'm still a bum. Chatting with my beloved Kate at her place. I'm there almost every day, and I've pretty much moved to Sunog-Apog. My mom even had a room built for me upstairs. It's my personal space with a door. Just thin plywood and some good lumber she got from the school where she teaches.