there are no words for this

Beau's body, streaming with red, started to twitch, jerking around in Edward's arms like he was being electrocuted. All the while, his face was contorted in pain. His arms were thrashing but his legs weren't moving.

Edward and Royal were frozen for the shortest half second, and then they broke. Edward whipped Beau's body into his arms, and, shouting so fast it was hard to separate the individual words, he and Royal shot up the staircase to the second floor.

I sprinted after them.

"Morphine!" Edward yelled at Royal.

"Alice—get Carlisle on the phone!" Royal shouted.

The room I followed them to looked like an emergency ward set up in the middle of a library. The lights were brilliant and white. Beau was on a table under the glare, skin ghostly in the spotlight. His body twitched now and then. I felt nauseous as I watched the blood that was coming out of his mouth and his nose. Royal held Beau still, yanking and ripping Beau's bloodstained shirt out of the way, while Edward stabbed a syringe into his arm.

I couldn't look anymore. I was afraid to have these memories in my head.

"What's happening, Edward?"

"He must be going into cardiac arrest."

"Why is he bleeding so much?"

Somewhere in this, Beau took a sudden, rasping breath of air.

"Edward," he choked, "Edw…."

"He's hemorrhaging!"

Alice darted into the room, bags of blood in her hand. She handed them to Royal and backed away, her gold eyes wide and burning.

Royal hurried to set up the blood, he grabbed a clean needle from the nearby table, but in his haste he ripped the bag and fresh blood began to drip down his arm.

And then Royal lost his focus. I saw the expression on his face shift, saw his lips pull back from his teeth and his black eyes glint with thirst.

"No, Royal!" Edward roared, but his hands were trapped, trying to prop Beau upright so he could breathe.

I launched myself at Royal, jumping across the table without bothering to phase. As I hit his stone body, knocking him toward the door, I felt the needle in his hand stab deep into my left arm. My right palm smashed against his face, locking his jaw and blocking his airways.

I used my grip on Royal's face to swing his body out so that I could land a solid kick in his gut; it was like kicking concrete. He flew into the door frame, buckling one side of it. Then Alice was there, yanking him by the throat to get him into the hall.

And I had to give to Blondie—he didn't put up an ounce of fight. He wanted us to win. He let me trash him like that to get him out of the way so we could save Beau.

I ripped the needle out of my arm.

"Alice, get Royal out of here!" Edward shouted. "Take him to Jasper and keep him there! Jacob, I need you!"

I didn't watch Alice finish the job. I wheeled back to the operating table, where Beau was turning blue, his eyes wide and staring.

"CPR?" Edward growled at me, fast and demanding.

"Yes!"

I judged his face swiftly, looking for any sign that he was going to react like Royal to the blood spilled all over the floor. There was nothing but single-minded ferocity.

"Get him breathing! I have to get the venom."

I tried to get Beau in a neutral position so I could perform CPR, as I tried to align his spine, he let out an agonized cry of pain.

"His spine," Edward choked in horror. "It's broken."

"Hurry up and do what you need to do!" I snarled.

And then I bent over Beau's head. His mouth looked clear, so I pressed mine to his and blew a lungful of air into it. I felt his twitching body expand, so there was nothing blocking his throat.

His lips tasted like blood.

I could hear his heart, thumping unevenly, weakly. Keep it going. I thought fiercely at him, blowing another gust of air into his body. You promised. Keep your heart beating.

He coughed back at me, his eyes blinking, rolling back into his head.

"You stay with me now, Beau!" I yelled at him. "Do you hear me? Stay! You're not leaving me. Keep your heart beating!"

His eyes wheeled, looking for me, or him, but seeing nothing.

"Ja…cob…" He breathed, "S…sorr…"

And then, with a last dull ga-lump, his heart faltered and went silent.

He missed maybe half of one beat, and then my hands were on his chest, doing compressions. I counted in my head, trying to keep the rhythm steady. One. Two. Three. Four.

Breaking away for a second, I blew another lungful of air into him.

I couldn't see anymore. My eyes were wet and blurry. But I was hyperaware of the sounds in the room. The unwilling glug-glug of his heart under my demanding hands, the pounding of my own heart, and Edward's ragged, panicked breathing.

I forced more air down Beau's throat.

"What are you waiting for?" I choked out breathlessly, pumping his heart again. One. Two. Three. Four.

"His heart has to be beating. I could crush his ribcage. I need you to get his heart beating again." Edward's voice was urgent, broken.

One. Two. Three. Four.

"Get his heart beating." He snarled as I breathed for Beau again.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Another breath.

Beau's heart gave a weak, tentative thud.

"Move your hands, Jacob."

I looked up from Beau's white eyes, still pumping for him. Edward had a syringe in his hand—all silver, like it was made from steel.

"What's that?"

His stone hand knocked mine out of the way. There was a tiny crunch as his blow broke my little finger. In the same second, he shoved the needle straight into Beau's heart.

"My venom," he answered as he pushed the plunger down.

I heard the jolt in Beau's heart, like Edward had shocked him with paddles.

"Keep it moving," he ordered. His voice was ice, was dead. Fierce and unthinking. Like he was a machine.

I ignored the healing ache in my finger and started pumping Beau's heart again. It was harder, as if his blood was congealing there—thicker and slower. While I pushed the now-viscous blood through his arteries, I watched what Edward was doing.

It was like he was kissing Beau, brushing his lips at his throat, at his wrists, into the crease at the inside of his arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of Beau's skin as Edward's teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into Beau's system at as many points as possible. I saw Edward's pale tongue sweep along the bleeding gashes, but before this could make me either sick or angry, I realized what he was doing. Where his tongue washed the venom over Beau's skin, it sealed shut. Holding the poison and the blood inside his body.

I blew more air into Beau's mouth, but there was nothing there. Just the lifeless rise of his chest in response. I kept pumping his heart, counting, while Edward worked manically over him, trying to put him back together. All the king's horses and all the king's men...

But there was nothing there, just me, just him. Working over a corpse.

Because that's all that was left of the boy we both loved. This broken, bleeding corpse. We couldn't put Beau together again.

I knew it was too late. I knew he was dead. He had to be. Even Beau couldn't survive this. Everything came crashing down on me. I had been so stupid. I could have had Beau as my best friend. Always in my life. But that hadn't been good enough for me, and still  it would have been more than enough. If only I hadn't been so blind. Now he was gone and there was no point anymore.

"Go, then," Edward snapped, and he hit my hands out of the way again, taking my place this time. Three fingers broken, it felt like.

I straightened them numbly, not minding the throb of pain.

Edward pushed Beau's dead heart faster than I had.

"He's not dead," he growled. "He's going to be fine."

I wasn't sure he was talking to me anymore.

Turning away, leaving him with what was left of Beau, I walked slowly to the door. So slowly. I couldn't make my feet move faster.

This was it, then. The ocean of pain. The other shore so far away across the boiling water that I couldn't imagine it, much less see it.

I felt empty again, now that I'd lost my purpose. Saving Beau had been my fight for so long now. And he wouldn't be saved. He couldn't be saved. He had wanted to stay human just a little longer for everyone he'd be leaving behind before he would go join his vampires forever. Now we all lost him. It was all over.

I shuddered at the sound coming from behind me as I plodded down the stairs—the sound of a dead heart being forced to thud.

I wanted to somehow pour bleach inside my head and let it fry my brain. To burn away the images left from Beau's final minutes. I'd take the brain damage if I could get rid of that—the screaming, the bleeding, the unbearable sight of Beau's dead body.

I wanted to sprint away, to take the stairs ten at a time and race out the door, but my feet were heavy as iron and my body was more tired than it had ever been before. I shuffled down the stairs like a crippled old man.

I rested at the bottom step, gathering my strength to get out the door.

Royal and Alice stood in the living room, somber, silent. They watched as I slowly trudged my way out the front door.

I stumbled on my way down the porch, landing in a heap on the cold ground.

Then I couldn't hold it back anymore. I burst into violent tears. Deep, painful sobs broke through my chest as every moment I had spent with Beau from that first time on First Beach to now replayed in my head. At one point, it had almost seemed like the saddest romance movie ever. It was a tragedy now. A horror movie.

I was barely aware of the footsteps at the edge of the forest.

"Beau didn't make it." Seth. He wasn't asking.

I could hear steps coming toward me, but I didn't look up. Then someone knelt down in front of me, placing steadying hands on my shaking shoulders.

"Go away." I sobbed.

The hands moved to my face, pulled them up. Liam looked down at me, his face full of sorrow and concern.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob. I'm so, so sorry." He said softly.

The sobs broke through my throat again, and my arms wrapped around Liam's waist. Desperately gripping onto some sort of comfort, if that was even possible. I sobbed into his chest as he put his arms around me and held me.

Seth joined us a second later, putting a hand on my shoulder.

My pack was here to comfort me, help me, in this unbearable and agonizing moment. There was nothing but my sobs breaking through the dead silence. Seth's hand gently squeezing my shoulder.

And Liam.

Liam's arms tight around me, keeping me from falling into nothingness, from drowning in that ocean of pain. Holding me there, comforting me. Trying to assure me that somehow, someday, it would be okay.

And then, from upstairs, there was a new sound. The only sound that could touch me in this wretched moment.

A frantic pounding, a racing beat…

A changing heart.