bones

It was dark when I'd arrived home. I should have gone home right after school, I knew, but I had to distract myself.

Distractions. My life had come to revolve around them. Always distracting, no matter what I was trying to be distracted from. My life, it had an order. And I was keeping it.

Feel hungry?  Go to the park or for a walk in the woods.

Thirsty? Go straight to the sink and focus on that sink. Don't fucking move from that sink. Watch every bit of water that comes out. Collect it. Drink it. Relish in it. Don't waste a drop.

Eventually, however, these things don't become distractions, they become habits. And that's what they've become. Everyday, after school, I would come to the park. I would walk the entire park, watching the wildlife and observing the people that came by. 

I read them. I tried to understand them. And sometimes, but rarely, I could. 

A woman walks by, crying, grabbing her bag. Breakup.

A man runs, keeping his arms by his side. Self-conscious.

I understood it.

Your brain, it screams at you. Nonstop screaming, telling you you're not worth it, you are disgusting, you are hideous, and soon, it becomes routine. 

Routine is good. It keeps you in line. You listen to them words. Let them sink into your brain. You don't forget them. Replay them as much as you need to. And soon, the realization sinks in.

You aren't worth it.

You are disgusting.

You are hideous.

Soon, those words are tattooed on your brain. And little by little they become tattooed on your body so they're all you can see. 

Fat tattooed on your stomach. Jiggle on your thighs. Flab on your arms. 

You might be reading this, thinking to yourself, "Well, gee, Y/N. That's horrible." 

Yes, it is. It's disgusting. It's not healthy. But, you can't help it.

And the only way to get rid of those words? 

To become thin, of course. 

You have to become one with your lifestyle. Succumb to the words and let them devour you whole.

Let your demons assist you in your travel, your journey. It's all part of the master-plan. 

And soon, you'll be beautiful. Trust me.

They've helped me, and my journey is nowhere near over.

They saved me. I give them my life.