21 Show me where happiness is

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This is a warning to anyone that can't deal or handle themes involving Depression and Suicide if you can't skip this chapter and if you are going through this please seek help you can find the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number here just call 1-800-273-8255 And please no one make fun of Depression or Suicide I'm trying to do this as respectfully as possible. But if you find anything lacking with the Storie you are more than welcome to say so.

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Even though i had said we should go on a date later that night Yoruichi ended up not showing up. Even though Yoruichi was finally coming to terms with how she felt.

She didn't want to amit it in front of everyone worrying what they'll think of her but most all feel like she was just another conquest. Well it's true she could tell i truly did care about her and didn't really mind if there was other women.

What she couldn't stand was the thought of me getting bored with her, the feeling of being abandoned for she had never felt this way about anyone before not even Kisuke.

She felt if she were to be with me now all her happiness would be tied to me and she would no longer be herself so she got scared.

But didn't want to be without me she went away for a bit to clear her mind hoping when she got back she'll finally be able to be with me and i would still feel the same for her .

Even though i didn't agree with what what she thought i respected her feeling and let her do what she needed to do. So until then i had the usual routine home - flirting - training - flirting - clinic -flirting -training- flirting - home…..

Keeping himself busy as much as possible to avoid thinking of her or how much i missed her.…Even with all the power i had it didn't change the fact that i loved her and my life didn't feel complete without her….

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Before i knew it a year and a half has passed making me 13 and a half years old making me look just over 16. during this time i had many things to distract himself such as Tatsuki keeping tabs on me making sure i didn't find any more girls.

And challenging me more than a hundreds of times only to end up making out with me. However she stopped coming by as often she didn't seem to like Orihime that much which was pretty cute.....

Mizuho on the other hand couldn't keep her hands off me…..calling me her strawberry princess saying she'll get stronger so she'll be the one protecting me. But still loved to have have me carry her like a princess, saying that one of the few joy in life she'll never get tired of.

She however unlike Tatsuki didn't seem to mind Orihime just felt indifferent towards her. But did try to get along and talk with her but it went nowhere fast. She said Orihime seem too fake and didn't like her.

Well ash seem to be uninterested and not really care like she was trying to keep some distance. Becoming more and more cold and uncaring as the days passed i asked her what was wrong but she only said it was nothing...And just left it at that.

Those were the days i felt the most alone like everything i was doing didn't matter so i also became more uncaring focusing more on my experiments and toying with Yhwach and his men.

With all that i stopped caring for Orihime as much as before becoming annoyed at how she would keep her distance with everyone, keeping her fake smile, my parents tired to get her to open up more but she wouldn't and they were too busy with the training and the clinic.

I also saw Orihime walking around with a group of "friend"countless times as she had lost her way unsure of herself or where her life was heading....We would Speak to each other but never get to the point of what happened in the past.....

We let it pass just like it never happened which somehow bothered Orihime as i was the one who initiated the act...One day while i got bored and forgot to wear a shirt around the house, i notice Orihime couldn't keep her eyes off me.

So from that day onward i would been seen shirtless and try my best for her to see me after a workout with sweat running down my finely sculpted abs.

One thing i wasn't counting on however was for Yuzu and Karin to be unable to look away. Oh and speaking of them i finally was able to get them to train nothing too heavy just the best way to kill, instant casting kido, and some basic ki control for the future.

I also begin to teach Yuzu alchemy and Karin blacksmithing. One odd thing i did notice was yuzu seem to love cutting "stuff" saying she loved to leave her mark, to say what she did. Karin on the other hand liked to use her bare fist to beat "anything" until she left "everything" bloody not caring whose blood it may be.

I almost started to feel pity to whoever pissed them off in the future. Of course if anyone ever did try something i know kill them before anyone else.

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As our days passed during this time in Mashiba Junior High School I got into many fights. Mainly from jealous guys seeking to prove they are better to the girls they like.

Which by a twist of fate somehow made me meet chad (Yasutora Sado). So to return a favour from my past life i rescued chad from two gang members roughing him up.

When those two retarded thugs later abducted Sado, i quickly found them beating the shit of their leader, With chad being freed, we became friend really fast….and of course like with Mizuho i made sure those thugs were never seen again, making sure nothing was left of them…..

During my free time i loved playing with my two adorably cute sisters at home who seem to admire me for being a nice brother who always plays with them and gives them new and fun weapons.....Regardless of how hard the training was and all the blood they saw they never once stop being kids…..though they seem to really like looking at me when when i wasn't looking.

Oh and Keigo was around but seem like he was scared of me but would still call me brother in law and beg me to go out with Mizuho more because she would take it out on him when i was too busy to see her.

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Later that night during dinner after Ichigo 300th plate was clean off he stopped eating. With not even half his stomach full as if he wasn't feeling that hungry thinking about some electric tan skin beauty with violet hair and golden eyes.

It just hit him all of a sudden how much he wish she was there with him. He started to just look into space lost and confused. Misaki as if noticing something was wrong asked. Isshin also noticed but seeing the look Misaki was giving him he stop before he could say a joke about how much Ichigo eats.

Misaki: Is something wrong dear? You've been staring into space a lot lately, going out later than usual. And you aren't even eating now.

Ichigo: umm, it's nothing mom. I just been training and eating out more.

Ichigo trying to lie to his mom, tried to run out of the room. Going back up to his room where he still could smell her scent. But stop as he saw the worry look everyone was giving him even Orihime couldn't help but look at him with a deep concern. So he stop and just stood there for a few minutes breathing until he could speak.

Ichigo:.....It's about this girl...I really like but she doesn't seem to give me the time of day.

Misaki: hmm so it's not Tatsuki or Mizuho is it someone we know?

Ichigo: She has long beautiful orange hair, that flows through the wind like a gentle spring breeze. She used to have this amazing smile I used to love looking at. But now she puts on "perfect" makeup to cover up herself even though I truly think and believe she doesn't need the extra touch.

She was this girl that could captivate anyone, any guy just with a smile making other jealous of.

Silky burnt orange hair, brown eyes, slender yet a curvaceous figure, but now she only hides it all away, drying her hair, sliming down to just skin and bone seeking validation in all the wrong places. Blocking off those that care about her only to feel more hollow inside where nowhere to go just to seem pompous for all to see. Even though I know that's not her it seems she isn't aware of that.

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(As Ichigo begin to speak everybody drop what they were doing and started to look at him, Misaki could tell he wasn't being completely honest and was still keeping something from her but said nothing and let he continue for she also was worry about Orihime and saw her as another daughter... Orihime at first wasn't paying attention when she talked about a girl and was feeling even more depressed but couldn't help but look at him when he said orange hair...Thinking he couldn't possibly be talking about her when he already has girls.)

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Ichigo: She looked like a goddess, took my breath when I first saw her making me wish I could hold her and never go. But even though she still attracts every pair of eyes when she walks she's no longer the same girl that captivated me many sleepless nights ago.

No longer likable too, now she just sits around and gossips with her "friends" seeking destruction.

It's all evident you know when you try and talk to her.

But I always notice when something is a little off about her, she always on my mind you know I can't help but worry about her not because I pity her but because I missed the girl I used to love.

While I don't mind if she changes and no longer wants anything to do with me. I can't help but feel the way I do for her wishing I could still hold her listening to her heart speak.

But one day I noticed she started wearing make up, thinking it would help to hide her scars away like it never happen. Lemme compare yesterday she painted joy took her two hours today she painted happiness, it all took like half the day.

Before I used to promise her everyday she looked good the way she was, but she didn't seem to hear it had her ears covered. Had to go look for others that would tell her yes, met her "friends" they never said no, nor did they ever care as long as they could use her. What's the use of a little broken girl they said feelings, even she doesn't care.

So she went back to the bathroom, looking back at the mirror looking for the fairest eyes in all the land speaking a fairy tale backing her up as she hides away, the fairies fly away as they see what see has become.

Eating the poisonous fruit of temptation,

One bite when, two bites now , three bites then, and finally four bites to end it all.

Singing a tearful tune wishing it ain't so.

One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four

Four cuts, three cuts, two cuts, one

You cut, he cuts, no cut, none

I peeked inside you know never seen her so lifeless. Painting life into her face with a wand sprinkling fairy dust to fly up high.

You know I spoke to her, I tried to to reach but she wouldn't answer. Pulled away and she said to me paint....you know if you're creative enough nothing is... I asked myself if today is happiness what will it be tomorrow? That dust may had let her fly amiss the stars but even believing it made her crash into the sea begging for more believing she'll fly with the fairies.

She woke up forgot I was there walked outside like I was never there, went to find attention but didn't receive what she hoped, she hoped oh she hoped and she knows oh she knows. and I'm there besides her hoping this day she'll notice me.

Hoping it's not too late it's never too late and she'll say where you there. Feeling of a expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. for her to look into to my eyes while I can see my life flashing before your eyes to make you feel like it's not too late It's never too late but then I smile politely back at you, You stare politely right on through.

And I begin to wonder where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, Somewhere along in the bitterness

Between the lines of fear and blame. You begin to wonder why you came still I hear you say

You want to end your life, Cut it all away make the pain disappear make me believe that it's not a lie.

After that, I approach you and I asked about it without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong, come down...I know you find yourself feeling weak

But if you'll have us I promise it'll be safe here when you finally start to live again, breathe in look around you, we are here waiting for you.

You said tell me why Is that it, when I look around I see no one....just broken promises

Show me now, make me see, let me believe even if only for a moment…

I looked into your eyes I saw but before I can speak see regret a deep fear of losing it all again. so you walked away before you and your voice keeps ringing through my head, I never forget.

Show me where happiness is, I watched you try to run away in fear.

But why does every single answer have to be so vague. The next day isn't any better, they are abusing you, but you said it doesn't matter let you be, it's your life and why should i care. Everyday gets worse we all accept it as we become used to it. Seeing nothing nothing wrong in it all.

And again i see you, you stand up yelling at me what can you do with that hate against you building up inside you ready to break worry they'll say you have anger issues and should be locked away. We hear you but you don't listen, senseless it all is pointless it all is. Is it too late? For you to see what happiness is….And you say why do you care i say when you're beside me I feel alive and if you asked me I would have stayed up with you all night if you never left.

As Ichigo finishes he see Orihime with regret in her eyes but this time they are open and can see all around. Orihime begins to walk slowly building up speed running into Ichigo…..

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Orihime POV

I find myself feeling weak wondering why does this have to happen to me. Why must the only person that cares about me die while i just sit here definless unable to do anything to help….

I look back almost laugh thinking i could trust Ichigo and he meant what he said...but just to find out he already has a girlfriend and not one but two...So what does that make me, am i just a joke to him someone he can play around as he pleases...Why am i here with them is it just for pity?

I hate it all how it feels how they all look at me with pity in their eyes school, parks, stores. No matter where i go all i keep hearing is sorry, sorry for your loss, sorry i know how it feel to lose someone close to you, sorry this sorry that...

At first i didn't mind it all. Sometimes I mean Sometimes i just wanted sympathy, I wanted to cry and say i deserve this i needed your sympathy, I deserve some love that would tuck me in at night and kiss me goodnight telling me it will all be alright. just please look at me and don't forget me.

But it didn't stop they would all just keep saying sorry….But then eventually i just wanted to get rid of it all….but inevitably i got bored…..sorry,of the of the sorrys.

I hide myself away and ask myself do i hate how much everyone else treats me differently, that's the case right? Something had changed and I needed everything else to stay the same so i could process the difference.

But that didn't happen, people started building walls around me, trying to keep me locked up and "safe". They all started being very sensitive or changing how they treat me. People stopped saying brother as if i was going to lose it. I couldn't stand it. I hated it so much…

But was that really the case? Ichigo was the same he never once tried to hide how he was or try to be different to me….Even his family were different from everyone else...But i didn't like that it scared me too much it didn't want to get close to them so i didn't and the wall that was built around me protected me so i kept it and didn't let them in and just ran away from it all slowly losing myself in self pity.

But why? I just wanted be liked to i pushed them all away, To have friends so i only made fake ones and didn't let those that cared around me…. I even wanted Ichigo to like only me so i ignored him...I just felt lost i wanted him to find but i also wouldn't let him… I know this isn't indefinite but I just want it to be likely…

I just don't want to feel the emptiness, any longer can you hear me, can you see me, i just want to reach you and be outside. Just give it all to me and I'll give it all to you...But what's one more cut to another lie it won't change it so why stop? Even if I might be sad but when I look in the mirror it doesn't reflect it back right?

So why does my refashion look so sad, please don't look at me... If i must i will and if i can i am so why not? I'll just paint it over and it might really be. And i'll finally be happy, I'll finalize these brushes and then maybe he'll love me...

And when I'm feeling empty I'll be everyone except me. If he just accept me….Why can't I just accept me? I worry if i accept them….to accept him then they may forget me….and he'll leave me too...

When you can't express this agony and pain inside of you. Everything just feels numb. Was I paralyzed. How did it all happen how did i end up an empty shell. I doubted every emotion I felt. I tried so hard to get through it all. I was broken. I no longer wanted to feel love. I just wanted the dreadful feeling to end, yet I didn't let it I wanted the pain to last...That's an emotion right?

I wanted to ask him Do you feel them? Do you know what that feels like? Why do i have nothing inside. Into an endless oblivion I fell with nothing ahead to look forward to. But when i finally wish to end it all why do you keep being kind to me why do i keep looking for you…

Ever since i saw Ichigo walking around shirtless i couldn't keep my eyes away hungry, starving for more...And as if answering my prayers i would see Ichigo more and more often than not shirtless...With sweat drizzling his perfect six-pack with not even a hint of fat on his tightly sculpted physique...I just wanted to lay my head on his chest….But i was already too broken so why would he want me...he doesn't even talk to me like he used right?

So why is it so painful? If i feel nothing...Not long ago it had made me bleed. Hidden thorns on my skin which burned..Eyes opened, Tears flowing,Standing in front of a mirror the pain consuming me...was that really me and what I had become? What little sanity i have left as i fall and my eyes grew cold...Imagining i saw Ichigo before i went...But then i wake up thinking it wasn't real..Nor would he miss me so i go out.

Days of endless struggle with Depression and Suicide trying to appear "normal"....I keep hearing people say I have a lot going for me, but I'm sorry I just can't see it not much consistency It's hard as it all bleeds away....sometimes to say exactly what I'm worth. Sometimes even harder dealing with the hurt. I try and struggle went through the days thinking of you. With no one at my side to find some sort of worth, to try and save a little pride the less bit I have before it goes.

So once again I ask, Tell me, if you care, exactly where are you.

Waiting for someone to see the mask I wear hoping you'll care enough to remove it. Or would that be too much to ask of you now? Is it too late?

It's hard to explain putting happiness on my face as I walk out the door. To let someone see could I Just receive one hug?I promise just one is all I need. Just one person that cares is all I plead.

I believe no one will ever see this side reflected of me. And if there's something wrong I honestly couldn't say. And i guess who would have guessed it? Even if you say it will be alright, When I finally trust you. And give in

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As they all finish hearing what Ichigo said they see Orihime running towards him.

Orihime: Than please hug me, and never let me go!!!!

As Orihime jumps into Ichigo arms and they begin to hug, Misaki, Isshin, Yuzu and Karin come crying with tears of quilt for not noticing the pain Orihime was in hugging her as well making sure she knows she is loved and they'll never leave her.

Misaki: Since day one you were already my daughter and I loved you.

Isshin: I looooove you toooooooo

Yuzu/Karin: And we saw you as our big sister

Ichigo: I could never forget or stop loving you.

Orihime: I'm sorryyyy tooo for not noticing I already had a family that truly loved and cared for me.

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My longest chapter so far at almost 4000 words. almost 4times my others.

At first i was just going to do a sex and be done with it all but I wasn't liking it felt like I needed to explain why Orihime fell in love with Ichigo and was ok with the harem.

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