015. It's Not Me, It's You! [1]

Special mass release for the novel's launch, 15/20.

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MISHA

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As we got to her door, all sharing an anxious look with each other, all dressed for the dinner already, they all turned to me with a look that said 'you knock', and as I rolled my eyes, I knocked on nonna Giulia's door.

"Finally, come in, kids," she opened the doubled doors and opened the way for us. "I need to talk to you about something important, and that must be kept a secret between us, or Mia will freak out."

Wait, what? Is it about her?

"Is it about Mia, nonna?" Emma blinked, slightly worried.

"Did something happen with my little sister, nonna?" Pieter stilled up.

We all got overprotective and worried for her since everything happened when she was 15, when she shut down. Even I. We promised papa and zia Anna to take care of her in secret. Even if I don't like it, I've done my part in MIT, without her knowing. Shooing away every bastard who tried to approach her. We all did.

Nonna clenched her jaw and her eyes darkened, which was enough for all of us to tense up on the spot. "Sit on the couches, kids, and promise me."

"We won't tell her," we all said together.

"Bueno," she took a deep breath and sat down on the chair in front of us,

then she picked her phone and opened it, setting it on the coffee table in our middle, showing a long recording. "I'll speed it up a bit, so it'll be time enough for you to listen to it before dinner."

We shared a worried gaze, Julia leaned closer, "What is this, nonna?"

"Anna and Ricco came to speak with me in the morning, voicing how they are worried for our Mia, and how she seemed to be struggling with something, how she's been blocking everyone again slowly, like she did when… Chris had just died," she clenched her hands in fists. "They wanted her to enjoy the marriage to, to live a bit, to try loosing it up, since opposite to you, she lost her childhood focusing too hard on MIT, Ivy leagues, university, and everything." "You tried to talk to her?" Leo blinked, visually worried. "About… zio?

Because nonna, we are best friends, and she can't even talk about him near me. She attended the psychiatrist weekly, but I doubt she even told her shit."

Surprisingly, nonna chuckled to that, "Oh, she did. She something about getting drunk when she was almost 16, almost a year after it all happening, and breaking into her psychiatrist home, near MIT. Seems like things were so bad in her mind that she was scared of herself enough to swallow her stubbornness and pride and ask for help. Even if drunk. Though I don't know how she even got drunk at 16 in the US to begin with. She probably drank the alcohol Chris must have left in their apartment."

I couldn't help gasping, "She broke into her psychiatrist home? Drunk? Zoe Maud? The most upright kid in the world? That little pride?" Except for nonna, all my siblings and hers covered their mouths not to laugh because it's true.

"Seems like she did," nonna nodded and turned to Leo. "I actually went after her to ask her to give a chance and be more sociable at least until Anna gets married to Ricco. But she seemed to really be in a vulnerable state of mind, since I barely mentioned how she freaks out easily since her papa died, and she just… she just spilled everything. I don't think she even did it planned, she was just so tired and with everything bottled up, on the edge, that she opened up to me. And she also said she had only told her psychiatrist what she told me."

Maria swallowed, "And you recorded it and now wants to show us?" Nonna nodded shamelessly and we all gasped, "To make sure she will get through this, we need to help. But as she doesn't give us opening, I had to take advantage of the one she gave me, so I could make so you would be able to help her too. Which will be hard since she confessed that she doesn't trust us, that we all make her uncomfortable, and that she feels lost, alone, and doesn't really see us as her famiglia. She believes she doesn't fit in, and that she shouldn't be here."

I froze, my siblings froze, her siblings turned pale, clearly hurt.

"What?" Willem and Bram asked in heart-breaking dismay.

"Believe me, kids, I was also hurting when she said that. Seems like letting Mia leave alone like that, at 12, to the US was a mistake. She doesn't feel accepted, comfortable, or well near us. And she also said she can't stand our happiness, how we are moving on, how aren't stuck on our grieve, because she's drowning on it and can't get out of it," nonna's voice broke. "She… she told me what actually happened when Chris died."

"She spoke about that?" Emma gasped pale.

"What… what did she say?" Leo swallowed.

"She blames herself," nonna clenched her jaw. "This whole time, she's been blaming herself for her papa's death, for losing her mind, for not killing his killer." She does what?

Clenching my jaw and fists, I swallowed, feeling sick. "Play it, nonna."

Her eyes came to me and she pressed her lips together, "You will hear something that can never know you did, okay? She's… she's breaking and crying. Her voice broke, she stuttered, and she's vulnerable. She never shows that to any of us. She only showed herself to your papa, and she's been lost since he died."