2 THE PASSION, PLEASURE, AND DEEP REGRET

With both men fully undressed, Xuan Tianyi sat astride Hua Zhendan and fed him fast, hot kisses that narrated untold tales of his hunger for him.

Holding the back of Xuan Tianyi's neck, Hua Zhendan returned the kisses with matching zeal.

Minutes later, reluctantly, Xuan Tianyi pulled away from the kiss. He stared into Hua Zhendan's face which he couldn't see clearly as only a single, dull bulb lit the room. Unable to resist the urge this time around, he pushed the hair away from Hua Zhendan's face.

The intimacy of that small gesture increased the pace of Hua Zhendan's heartbeat. It reminded him of nights when Qiu Dawei got annoyed he couldn't see his eyes when they made love. And mornings when he pushed the hair away from his face to kiss him on the forehead. A small, sad smile settled on his face.

"Do you have a condom?" Xuan Tianyi asked, pulling Hua Zhendan out of his reverie.

Wordlessly, Hua Zhendan shook his head.

Scratching his ear, Xuan Tianyi glanced at his clothes strewn across the floor. "I should have one in the pocket of my trousers."

Hua Zhendan nodded.

Xuan Tianyi climbed off the bed and reached for his trousers. He fumbled through their pockets for a pack of condoms.

As Hua Zhendan stared at him, he pondered on how out-of-character this behavior was for him. Before this night, he had never had sex with a stranger. Hell, he had only had two sexual partners in all twenty-five years of his life. Speculating on how Xuan Tianyi had a condom in his pocket, he probed, "Do you do this often?"

"Do what?" Xuan Tianyi asked, pulling the condom from his pocket.

"Sex with random people the first time you meet them."

Xuan Tianyi paused. In this scenario, he recognized that Hua Zhendan's question had just one answer. "No," he said, the lie rolling off his tongue easily.

Hua Zhendan snickered. "Don't lie to me. I'm going to have sex with you tonight no matter what."

Xuan Tianyi smiled. He was tempted to speak the truth but didn't feel like taking a risk. Adamantly, he said, "I really don't. This is a first for me."

Hua Zhendan glanced at the packet of condoms in Xuan Tianyi's hands. They made it hard to believe the latter's words. People like him who don't walk around expecting sex from strangers don't carry condoms in the pocket of their trousers. In spite of himself, he believed him.

"What about you?" Xuan Tianyi asked randomly.

Hua Zhendan shook his head. "This is a first for me as well."

"Good then," Xuan Tianyi said as he climbed into the bed. The strands of hair had fallen over Hua Zhendan's face again. He pushed them aside and leaned in to kiss him on the forehead.

Hua Zhendan smiled. If this was a first for both of them, then he intended to make the night memorable. Taking the pack of condoms from Xuan Tianyi, he lowered him onto the bed. In a whisper, he said, "I'm going to make love to you."

Xuan Tianyi caught the faint smell of cigarettes on Hua Zhendan's breath. It didn't bother him in the slightest. Amused, he chuckled. "People only make love in movies."

Hua Zhendan snickered. "You'll see."

Leaning into Xuan Tianyi, he kissed him on the lips. Slowly. Deeply. Passionately. As he kissed him, he fondled him sensuously, electrifying him.

Xuan Tianyi groaned as his body tingled. Never in his life had he imagined that kisses and light caresses could be lethal.

Hua Zhendan's lips moved. From Xuan Tianyi's lips to his nipples, then back up to his neck, and back down to his nipples.

Xuan Tianyi whimpered softly. He hadn't known his nipples or neck were sensitive. His body shook, and he realized there was only so much passion he could take. "Please, just... Just fuck me, please."

Hua Zhendan pulled away long enough to look into Xuan Tianyi's face. Seeing the pain etched into his expression, he asked, "Are you sure?"

Xuan Tianyi nodded.

Hua Zhendan sighed in disappointment. He ran a finger along Xuan Tianyi's cheek. "I want to take my time with you."

Xuan Tianyi grabbed the finger. In a tormented voice, he pleaded, "Please."

Hua Zhendan didn't want it that way, but he had to give Xuan Tianyi what he wanted. Carefully, he prepared Xuan Tianyi and entered him.

Hua Zhendan's strokes were small, deliberate, and purposely. Like he was playing an instrument.

Xuan Tianyi trembled, and his mouth created music in the form of moans and groans. Small moans, deep groans, and shrill cries.

With immense satisfaction, Hua Zhendan listened to the music. When he noticed Xuan Tianyi was close, he cupped his erection and stroked it. Quickly but meaningfully. He let it rhyme with the rhythm of his strokes. Then, he slowed the up and down movement of his hand, edging Xuan Tianyi who writhed under him and cried for release.

Hua Zhendan ignored his cries until he felt his own release knocking. Skillfully, he paced his strokes. Both strokes so that he and the man under him came at the same time.

When he finally pulled out, his heart was racing and so was Xuan Tianyi's. Both men lay on the bed, catching their breaths.

"I didn't know sex could be this good," Xuan Tianyi muttered when he could speak again. "No-one has ever fucked me like that before."

Hua Zhendan chuckled. "We already did it. You don't have to try so hard to make me feel special."

Xuan Tianyi shook his head. "I'm serious. I don't ever want to have sex that isn't like this anymore."

Hua Zhendan chuckled again, wondering what Xuan Tianyi would say had he let him have his way with him.

Xuan Tianyi sighed. Thoughtlessly, he said, "God, I wish I could have sex with you and you alone every day for the rest of my life! What more would I ask for then?"

Hua Zhendan threw him a glance, wondering if that was Xuan Tianyi's way of asking him to go out with him. He watched Xuan Tianyi as the latter pulled himself out of the bed and entered the bathroom.

As Xuan Tianyi showered, Hua Zhendan sat up and replayed Xuan Tianyi's last words in his head. As the words echoed in his mind, he became excited at the prospect of waking up with someone beside him. He became excited at the thought of good morning kisses and passionate late-night sex. Home-cooked meals and birthdays. And as the foolish thought of starting a relationship with someone he had just met invaded his senses, his heart fluttered, and he smiled stupidly. It was fast, he knew, but he could feel his heart open again after four years. Ready for a new relationship.

The stupid smile fell off his face when he heard the rustling of clothes and realized Xuan Tianyi was dressing up to leave.

"Oh! Are you leaving?" Hua Zhendan asked, disappointment pulling at his heartstrings, threatening to rip them into pieces.

Xuan Tianyi hummed a reply.

The reticent reply threw Hua Zhendan into a state of confusion. "Do you want to go again? If you didn't like it, I could do better this time around. We could try it your way."

Chuckling, Xuan Tianyi glanced at Hua Zhendan. "I told you it was the best sex I ever had. And I meant it. But I do have to go."

Hua Zhendan frowned, then nodded. As Xuan Tianyi walked towards the door, in one last desperate attempt to hang on to his stupid fantasies, Hua Zhendan implored, "Call me later."

Xuan Tianyi paused awkwardly. "I don't have your phone number."

"Oh! I'll give it to you then," Hua Zhendan said.

"Don't bother," Xuan Tianyi stopped him as he started to get up from the bed. "I don't have a phone.

"Oh!" Hua Zhendan muttered. He could see it more clearly now--he had been nothing more than a cheap, quick fuck. The realization disgusted him, broke his heart, and pained him. It was true what they said; what can bring you pleasure can also bring you pain. With a nod, he said. "You should get going then."

"I--"

"Just go," Hua Zhendan said calmly. "Your sister is waiting for you, isn't she?"

Xuan Tianyi sighed, then walked out the door.

Alone now, Hua Zhendan realized, he didn't even know the name of the person who had given him that fleeting moment of romantic optimism.

 ***

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