Wait

I was in my late freshman days when I first met you. You were nothing to me back then. A stranger. You were just a friend of my sibling. A stranger that took my attention.

We didn't start like any other people out there. We didn't say hi or hello. We didn't even say our names yet when I said "You're my type."

It all started with a joke. "I like you"

I was thick-faced to say that to someone. It was no big deal when it was really not true. You didn't took my joke seriously which made us closer.

Sophomore days started and from strangers we became friends. Greeted each other on a daily basis. It was so frequent that I got so used to it. That's when I didn't notice that I started to wait. Wait for your daily routine to pass by my class. To wave and say hi.

We were friends but I didn't notice that I didn't want that anymore. I became greedy. I waited for something more.

In the middle of the year, I confessed and you weren't surprised at all. Was it that obvious? But in the end you didn't accepted nor rejected me. I waited for an answer which never came.

After confession, I didn't know how to face you again. I was getting ready to be ignored when suddenly you came to me first. You noticed me and acted as if nothing happened. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But back then, I always looked at the bright side.

"We could still be together... Even as friends." I said to myself. That's when I realized that I was already at the friendzone and strangely I was still happy about it. I became really close to you and open about my feelings that I looked like a fool.

I waited for hours just for a reply. I waited for days to see you again. I waited for months to see if there would be a change of heart. But it seems like you've forgotten about my confession.

Junior high, I was the foolest of them all. I wanted to confess again when clearly you wouldn't say the answer I wanted.

It was near your birthday when I decided to make a letter accompanied with a small gift for you. A gift which was actually intended to be received by me. I'm selfish. I wanted you to return half of what I gave you for your birthday. It was a two keychains shaped like a heart when put together. It was like a puzzle piece without one another. Like you to me.

Unfortunately, only the letter was left inside my palms, crampled and hidden. But I still waited. Waited to receive the other half.

"Give the other half for your significant other."

I know that every action you do comes with an illusion made by my mind but I still choose to look pass the reality. I hoped for something that isn't there.

The most memorable Christmas came to me. It was not exactly the 25th but it really felt Christmas to me. It was my first time receiving an airfreshener from someone. Even though I hate the aroma of air fresheners, I cherished it like it was a diamond ring. You planned to give it to me in a special way, I knew it because you told me but failed to do so. Knowing that you planned it, I was still happy for that. At the end of the day, you fetch me a cab and told the driver to take care of me. I will never forget such caring eyes you set on me. Lastly, I will never forget that warm hug you gave me(I stole from you) before going inside the cab.

Senior high, you've gone so far away but you still contacted me like I'm someone very dear to you. I know it's just a friend's duty to ask how his friend is doing but my mind gave a meaning to it and I waited... Still waited for my happy moment with you.

"Hi" or "Hello" was unheard for a few months when suddenly a new girl arrived. It was the last thing I wanted to hear from you. I was relieved that she was nothing to you. But you were also nothing to me at first. How can I stop myself from thinking weird things? When you were so close to her and I was miles away from you?

Why am I complaining about that back then? When I didn't even have the right to question you about her because I was just a friend to you.

Through my frustrations about that new girl. A good news came to me. She was moving somewhere far away. Very faraway. You didn't seem to be affected at all which made me celebrate. I was selfish I know.

After a couple of months, you became so busy that our communication faded away and still I waited for a confirmation that you're still alive and well. I didn't want to look desperate so I stopped myself from calling you.

College days came and I miraculously almost forgot about you due to school. But almost is never enough especially when you suddenly come out of nowhere and talk to me again.

Hope has risen again. How are you so good with words that it has swayed me again?

Remember back then when you came by and ate dinner with me and my family? I was the happiest girl that time. Just to sit and eat beside you was enough for me.

Also, do you remember when I invited you to my birthday party and you promised you'll come. I waited and lost hope but you did come. You were late but I was happy. I tried my best not to look obvious that I almost mistaken myself as an actress. I tried to look like I was the busiest person there even if it was my birthday. I ignored you but my eyes was always glued at you. You didn't noticed it but I waited for you to talk to me first. And so you did.

"Do you have a boyfriend already?" That question can't leave my mind ever since you uttered those words. It's like you were sending signs but I didn't know that it was just my brain. I tried to brush away the signs and answered jokingly with a "Yes, I've got plenty!"

It looked like it didn't bother you which made my little heart ache a bit.

Did I really not matter at all? After 5 years that's when I realized that I should stop my foolishness. But then... How can I do that when after the party, you became more active in my life. Your visits were frequent that it sent me a different message.

I remembered back then when you said...

"Do you remember your first gift to me?" Yes. I wanted to say yes. How could I forget my supposed-to-be second confession?

I acted dumb trying to get away from the topic but you still tried to push through. That's when I gave up and suddenly say... "Ahh that gift. What about it?"

"I still have it."

What's the point in telling me that when you didn't intend to give it to me? I thought it was the moment of truth but it was actually just another scenario of me hoping for a miracle.

Should I still wait for the answer or should I just give up? I kept on saying that when I already know that there's really no question to be answered. I confessed years ago. Does it really need to be answered?

In the middle of contemplating, I received a news about you. Someone told me you were waiting for someone.

I denied it the first time I heard it. I wanna hear it from you. So I went and tried to confirm it.

After years of waiting, I finally received a rejection. An indirect rejection.

You were already waiting for someone but why didn't you just tell me? You didn't told me to wait but you should've just rejected me right away.

That's when I realized what I have done so far for this guy. I was such a big fool. This is way worse than thinking about how I should face him after confession. I didn't think I could face him again after hearing about whom he likes.

He likes someone and it's not me. Just accept it.

I waited for an answer and now I got it. Even if it's not the answer I want, I just need to accept it and end this foolishness I kept for years.