CHAPTER 57

"So, I'm guessing you made up with Megan." He suggested as we both got in. I put my face in my hands. I already explained the whole thing to one person, and I was not ready to do it to another.

"Yup," I simply stated. "We sorted out our differences. Now we're together."

"Wow, that was quick." Paul remarked. "You grade nines do move fast. I mean, just last week you were-"

"Sorry, when you offered to give me a lift was it you being kind or was it an excuse to judge me?" I interrupted.

Paul said nothing as he started the car. "Point taken." he admitted. "I apologize."

"I'm sorry too." I mumbled.

"Why?" He asked me.

"I was mean to you when you first gave me a lift, and now I'm being mean again." I said, looking straight ahead. "These last few weeks have just been hell and I've just been really frustrated. I guess I kind of took it out on you."

"No worries." Paul waved me off. "We all have those moments in our life. You've just got to love teen drama, don't you?" He laughed sympathetically.

"I hate it." I said immediately, not even bothering to mirror the humorous nature of his comment.

"Yeah, it would just be better if you could avoid it altogether, wouldn't it?" Paul asked, pulling out of the parking lot.

"No kidding." I agreed.

"Yeah, I mean, life would be so much better if you… Avoided misunderstandings." Paul suggested. "Were never in an awkward situation. Never had people mad at you. Never been in compromising or vulnerable positions. Avoided dumb people. Never made mistakes. Never got invited to parties. Always did the right thing. Never did drugs or alcohol. Stayed abstinent. Didn't talk to anyone ever. Died alone, without ever really understanding people." A mischievous smile was on his face when he finished.

"What, are you regretting your high school life?" I quipped bitterly.

"Ha ha." He replied sarcastically. "I'm just saying, what you're experiencing right now is real emotion. It feels bad, I know, but it prepares you to be a better person in the future."

"And what if I want to be a better person now?" I asked him. "All of a sudden it's like I'm the bad guy, the asshole. And it's not just now. I feel like I've been the asshole for a while now and couldn't see it. What can I do to change that?"

"I think you already have. In fact, just now." Paul answered. "Ever played Spec Ops: The Line?"

"I don't play video games." I simply answered.

"Oh." Paul simply answered, then smiled. "Wow, you're quite the minority. At any rate, you can still make the changes. You just need to be aware of what you're changing."

At that point, it clued in to me that Paul was going in the wrong direction. And had been for quite a bit. "Um, Paul… My house is in the other direction." I said hesitantly.

Paul's back stiffened and his eyes widened. "Oh. Crap. Right." He murmured as he slowed down, then pulled into a random driveway. He turned around and started going the other way. "Sorry about that. I've gotten so used to driving home this way I guess I just did it out of reflex."

"It's okay." I said.

"See?" Paul asked, smiling again. "Not an asshole. You're being a bit hard on yourself, man. You're a freaking grade 9. Sorry, you're going to be immature. By grade 12 you'll see just how much it shaped you as a person. And yeah, the only thing that can make you a better person is actually trying to be a better person, but I think you're on that path now."

I nodded, but stayed silent.

"And go ahead and text Nicole if it makes you feel better." Paul added. "Apparently being sad or angry makes you an asshole by your logic. You talk like she made you happy."

"She does." I remarked.

"Then do things that make you happy. You might make mistakes along the way to doing happy things, but you can apologize and learn from those. Doing things you don't love out of obligation then being bitter about it isn't going to make you a better person."

"Weren't you the one who told me not to text her last time I got a ride with you?" I asked him.

"You're talking as if I'm always right." He retaliated. "Besides, that was so you could grow as an individual. If you're going to be sad, it's not worth it. I'd rather you be happy and a little shallow rather than your own miserable person. You can work on your individuality in many ways. My suggestion was just one way. But if you find it isn't working, maybe you just need a friend in your life, one you know well, one that makes you feel better. Maybe that's what Nicole provides for you."

The folksy wisdom of the ancient senior rang true as far as I was concerned. I whipped out my cell phone and looked up Nicole in my message history.

Hey. I'm sorry. For everything. I texted her.

But even after Paul dropped me off and said his goodbyes, she didn't answer back.

***

I was a bit quick to assume I would enjoy classes. As I found out, I really only enjoyed them because I enjoyed life at the time, and had something to look forward to. When I went to classes the next day, a Tuesday, I found that classes were turning dull, fast, and the only thing I had to look forward to was working out for an hour straight at the end of the day, then waiting for my mom to pick me up since Nicole still refused to talk to me. God, I hoped whatever Megan planned to say would work.

That said, I didn't let that show at all in drama class. I didn't even know if Salvador was right about my low energy negatively impacting the class, but the guy sat and listened to his student explain how he felt bad about straight-up fucking another student in an English classroom without judgement. I felt liked I at least owed it to him to adhere to his class' rules in exchange for that.

I don't think he noticed, but I attached Paul's mask to my backpack. More specifically, I asked mom to sew it on when she had a minute. Mom, who loved it when I expressed my individuality, was all too happy to comply, and even remarked how proud she was of me for keeping the mask when I gave her the story behind it. Friends came and went in this new fast-paced life of mine, but my parents were always there for me. Especially in a time like this, I couldn't express in words how grateful I was for that, nor how much I loved them.

Apparently, though, tucking my emotions away in drama class was working. After school, all Salvador did was give me a nod, then looked back to his clipboard.

Getting out of the mentality of drama and into the mentality of working out, I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked out of the aud. Each step felt heavy, but I expected it would feel that way until things got better. My mind grew hopeful as I pictured Nicole, waiting for me outside of the weights room, smiling at me and saying, "Sorry, squirt. Let's just put this behind us." I would forgive her, we'd hug, she'd push me away yet wink at me, it would be like nothing ever happened.