Chapter 12

-5-

"I'm sorry to hear of your financial difficulties," Dr. Tripp put his pad down. "Unfortunately, my bookkeepers don't let me do pro bono work, so unless you can pay for the sessions, this will be our last one. Whatever they say, this one's on me."

"We're almost done anyway," Marilyn said.

"Actually, we're just getting started," Dr. Tripp leaned forward in his chair. "but finish telling me how you got here."

"After Marlene left, I sat in the dark for hours until Mom and Dad got home.

'Robert,' Mom said, 'What are you doing sitting in the dark?'

'I'm not Robert, I'm Marilyn.'

'What are you talking about?' Dad asked.

'Remember when you watched me play Ophelia? That was me, not this." I waved my hands at my body.

'What, you're telling me you're a girl?'

'That's right,' I started shaking, 'I been fighting it for so long trying to be the boy you wanted me to be, but I can't do it any longer.'

'I don't understand," Dad unlocked the cabinet and poured himself a drink. 'I don't understand.' I shook more and more. Mom gasped for air behind me. Dad sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. 'Why didn't you talk to me?' I barely took in the words, he spoke so softly, but warmth starting moving from the knot in my gut. Tears poured from my eyes as my Dad pulled me tight. All those years I thought my Dad was like Brent.

'I'll call the hospital,' Mom's voice so flat and dead my heart shattered.

'No,' Dad said, 'not until we find someone who can help Marilyn, not just drug her.'

"They talked all night. I fell asleep on the couch while my parents argued over who I was. Mom shook my shoulder to wake me up.

'Marilyn, time for breakfast.'

"All that time I was afraid of what my parents would think, and they changed everything they knew about me overnight. Never once have they ever slipped up and called me Robert or referred to me as he. I don't know what it cost them. Mom always seemed hesitant around me. Dad reminded me every day I could talk to him."

"I wish all my patients had parents as brave as yours." Dr. Tripp smiled at her.

"Yeah, I heard some stories," Marilyn said, "Dad found me a group, and I learned my life was a walk in the park compared to some. I started dressing as girl, mostly. Dad went to bat with the School Board and got me transferred into a different high school. He hoped a fresh start would be easier than changing in my old surroundings."

"Yes, and no," Dr. Tripp said.

"So I found out. Some of the problem, I created myself. The principal heard of me from the other school. The Board didn't let me register as a girl. I had to register as a trans and have my own bathroom. I was angry, so I grew a beard and deliberately flouted my masculine body and feminine personality. As you can imagine, I didn't make many friends. Only there was one girl, Tuni, the first person to just see me as myself without needing to draw boxes around me. She almost made me want to be a boy, just so I could be with her. She figured out it wouldn't work and we were fantastic friends for the rest of the term."

"What happened to her?" Dr. Tripp asked. "That it was only one term?"

"She almost died because of me. Tuni didn't want to stay around the school after that. She just wrote all the exams, graduated early and left on an internship with some magazine. I think she's in India researching changing attitudes toward women."

"She sounds extraordinary."

"Yeah," Marilyn said, "it's impossible to keep up with her."

"So, how did the second term go?"

"Compared to the first one, it went smooth as silk. I shaved the beard and lost the attitude. Tuni put herself on the line for me, I couldn't do any less than live up to her. I met a guy named John Wayne. He was Korean and his parents were western fans. He was gay and had a thing for me. The only problem was what he loved about me were the things I wanted to change. It was fun while it lasted and we're still friends. He's playing football down east."

"And now you are here," Dr. Tripp said, "and ready to begin the journey."

"With the money gone, I can't afford the surgery."

"There are groups who do the surgery for free." Dr. Tripp stood. "As you might imagine, there is a considerable waiting list, but it is worth investigating. My receptionist will give you some information. While you wait, you may want to continue thinking about the difference between who you are, and what your body is. Good luck, Marilyn."

To her shock, she broke down in tears as soon as she left the office. The receptionist gave her tissues and a fat envelope full of information and forms.

She wandered out into the sun to wait for her bus. The poster on the shelter caught her eye. This time she pulled it down and stuffed it into her purse.