12 Mixed Feelings

When I woke up the next morning, Bai Ye was gone. I was lying alone under my blankets, clean and tidy. He must've used a cleansing spell to remove all the blood and mud stains from my clothes and sheets.

I sat up in my bed, dazzled by the bright morning sunlight. Everything looked the way it always did. If not for the strong spiritual power flowing through me and the dull soreness in my lower body, I might've thought the previous day was only a dream.

Or was it? I touched my lips. He had kissed me there. Now that my senses have fully returned, I remembered the trail he planted with his lips down my neck, my collarbones, my breast. I remembered his hand grazing over every inch of my bare body, lingering on the softest and most sensitive spots. My skin burned even now as I recalled the sensation of his touch.

And I remembered the sharp pain when he entered me.

It shouldn't be real, but it was. I had dual cultivated with my master.

I was too close to death yesterday to think properly. Now, sitting alone in the quietness of my room, alive and well, I was finally able to process what had happened.

A guilty pleasure hit me first. For the past five years, I had been hiding my feelings and admiring Bai Ye from the shadows. I yearned for his attention, but I couldn't tell him, and I could never be certain how he would react if he knew what I had always hoped for.

I had imagined that he might be angry, disappointed, or in the best case, patiently and kindly try to guide me back onto the right track. I didn't dare imagine that he might indulge me in my wishes and … give me everything I could ever ask for, and more.

But then a wave of mortification consumed me. No matter the reason or necessity behind it, we had sinned. Someone as perfect and impeccable as Bai Ye couldn't have such a blemish on his reputation. Needless to say, this was an accident that would have to stay a secret between us forever.

How would I face him in the future? Pretend that yesterday never happened and that we were still just like all other masters and disciples? I shivered. I knew I would never be able to look at him again without thinking of his kisses, his touch, his powerful thrusts. How could I seal up all those memories and play along for the rest of my life?

I slipped out of my bed, feeling lost. Maybe I'd be able to find an answer as the day moved on.

My hands paused when I reached for my clothes. I remembered wearing my usual light blue robe when I left for the hills with Lin Weiwei, and I hadn't gotten a chance to change since then. But it was my white nightgown draping over my shoulders right now, and the light blue robe was hanging in my wardrobe, fresh and clean.

My heart fluttered. Bai Ye had helped me change while I was in a coma. Why? He didn't need to do any of this if he was only saving me from the venom …

A shuffling noise at my door interrupted my thoughts. "Yun Qing-er?" The voice sounded a bit hesitant. "It's Qi Lian. Are you there?"

I hurried out of my nightgown and put on a different robe. "I'm coming," I called back.

Qi Lian seemed to have let out a breath. "You're fine then. We haven't seen you for over a week and are getting a little worried … Senior Xie said you got into some trouble with Zhong Yilan the other day, and he asked me to come check if everything is alright with you."

A week? I wasn't aware it had been that long. Was I lying unconscious in the mountains all this time, or had Bai Ye been trying for days to save me?

"It wasn't her …" I said, then realized that it was the wrong words. I didn't want to suggest without proof that someone tried to kill me. "It wasn't a big deal, actually," I corrected myself. "I … misstepped and fell while collecting herbs."

I had donned my clothes while speaking and opened the door. Qi Lian greeted me with a polite smile, and I saw the relief on his face. I didn't expect him or Xie Lun to care so much about what happened to me after we just met, and a sense of gratitude touched me.

"Were you hurt?" Qi Lian asked. "I hope it wasn't too serious … I'm still looking forward to sparring with you again!"

The warmth in his words made me smile. "I'll be fine very soon," I replied. "But …"

But I had lost my swords when I rolled down that hill.

I was too busy thinking about too many different things afterward, and I had pushed this into the back of my mind. Qi Lian's question finally reminded me of it. I'd have to go back there and look for it. With a rope, I should be able to climb down the slope and search the area. Hopefully, Twin Stars were still lying safely somewhere in the bushes … What would Bai Ye think if he knew I lost his most precious blades?

"What's wrong? If you need any help, just tell us. Especially if it has to do with Zhong Yilan …" Qi Lian smirked. "She's been hitting on Senior Xie constantly these days, as if she thinks we are complete fools and have no idea how much of a hypocrite she is. We wouldn't mind helping you reveal her true nature to more people."

I found his suggestion surprisingly satisfying, and I smiled again. "Thank you … But I really didn't run into any trouble with anyone. It's just that …"

"It's just that she misplaced her weapons." A cool, solemn voice came from beyond the door. I stiffened at the sound of it, suddenly feeling my whole body burning.

Bai Ye stepped in. He ignored Qi Lian's confused stare and walked straight towards me, Twin Stars in his hands. "Here. Careful not to lose them again."