11. Chapter 11: Discord

11. Discord

Rey met the woman's eyes and found she didn't know what to do. Something about this situation scared her more than fighting, more than politicking, and more than sharing a bond with Kylo Ren.

"Please bless her," the woman said, more insistently now. Rey glanced at the baby the woman held in her arms, then helplessly over at Poe. Poe shrugged eloquently – she was on her own. She looked back at the mother and the baby. This wasn't who she was. She wasn't a heroic figure or a savior that she should be blessing babies and receiving the adoration of people she'd never even met. "I don't... I... She's beautiful," she said sincerely, aware that she couldn't just leave, but not wanting to try to be what the woman was asking her to be.

"Thank you," the woman said, bowing her head, and Rey felt sick. This had never been how things were for her. She was a scavenger from a planet where children were scarce and, if they didn't starve to death, usually grew up to be junkers or scavengers or traders. Who was she to bless a child?

She met the mother's eyes and realized, clearly, that she couldn't be this. The legend that they all wanted. "Excuse me," she whispered, and turned and started running. She ran from the crowd of watching people and from the mother's hope and the baby's cries. She didn't pay much attention to where she was going until she found herself in the hangar. She stopped running, then, but wandered around until she found the Falcon. Clambering up into the old ship, she sensed that it was empty, so she sat down on one of the couches and dropped her head into her hands.

The way that woman had looked at her still stuck in her brain, like Rey's blessing could really protect her daughter from the galaxy's harsh twists. But it couldn't.

She wasn't the Jedi everyone wanted. R'iia, she wasn't even sure she was a Jedi. What Kylo kept saying dug at her own fears: was the Jedi Order really as good as she hoped it was? Even Luke had wanted it to end and the books she read were hardly clear. Was it possible that after all the Jedi were just afraid of what they would become if they didn't control themselves? That they, for all they said about peace, were just very afraid?

But she could not accept that. Every group, however wise, had its flaws – the scavengers she had most looked up to, the ones who taught her about history and bargaining and protecting herself, had a nasty habit of cannibalizing each other when Unkar Plutt got stingy with rations.

And even though Luke had briefly considered killed Ben, at least his character and his code of morals kept him from doing it. The Sith Order had pushed Kylo to kill his fellow students and then his own father as if it were a good thing.

Still, she kept feeling unsettled by the worry that this was all being a Jedi was: talking to diplomats, blessing babies, and secretly fearing the dark. So she got up and pulled open the drawer where she'd staged the books she'd taken from Luke. They had a presence of their own, almost like they held the memories of all the many people who'd handled them. She couldn't read all the script in them because some of it was so faded and antiquated. There were six books, one sort of like a naturalist journal, a few massive philosophical books, one book on forms, and one about creating lightsabers. Rey liked the naturalist book because it often helped her meditate, reminding her of the balance she'd felt on Luke's island. Today, though, she wanted answers, so she sighed, cracked open one of the large, worn books, and settled down in her seat.

This one seemed to be the most unique – as far as Rey understood, it was basically a massive history of the galaxy with specific focus on the founding and philosophy of the Jedi Order. It wasn't exactly a page-turner, but Rey knew it was important, so she tried hard to focus on the curling calligraphy. Still, that didn't prove to be easy, so she ended up mostly skimming the pages, flipping idly through them in search of the answers she wanted. The Jedi, she thought wryly, had a somewhat inflated opinions of themselves for a bunch of stuffy old men. She felt a little guilty for thinking that, but frankly if these were the books they looked to for guidance, they needed someone to rewrite them with some color.

Most of what she was getting from the book wasn't helpful. There seemed to be an underlying thread of reasoning that passion was to be avoided, and that you couldn't have peace and also feel things deeply. Rey tried to read it without passing judgement, she really did, but she had to admit that she was very confused and unsettled by some of the statements. She so wanted it make sense but all she had were more questions. Why had she felt that balance on Ach-To but the Jedi said to follow the light and entirely reject anything dark? The island itself had had that duality, light in one place, dark in another. And when she went to the dark, it hadn't been evil. Just frightening. Just without answers that made sense.

She sighed and kept thumbing through the book. Something in here had to explain, right?

A new page began and with it, to her surprise, new writing. Someone with a different style entirely had written these pages, and they were much easier to read. Answers seemed as elusive here as in the previous section though, and she returned to flipping idly through before a variance in the text caught her eye. Something written in short lines, like a song. She frowned and stopped to read it.

"First comes the dayThen comes the night.After the darknessShines through the light.The difference, they say,Is only made rightBy the resolving of grayThrough refined Jedi sight."

"Well, that makes sense," Rey said, frustrated. This was the closest thing she'd gotten to a proper answer and it wasn't even clear. Did it mean it was important to find a balance or that the Jedi had some kind of responsibility to make sure there was no grey anymore, just Light or just Dark? Something else? She snapped the book shut impatiently and threw it down on the floor, although she felt guilty immediately afterwards. What a waste of time. She didn't know why she bothered with these old Jedi books anyway.

This was the first time in a long time that she'd been truly alone, and that wasn't without reason. When she was with her friends or Leia or even Kylo, she could ignore the nagging loneliness underneath it all. And now, without even the stuffy book to distract her, it was just her thoughts. And they weren't kind.

She was beginning to wonder whether Kylo was right, whether anyone really cared about her for anything other than her power. Luke had summarily dismissed her until she explained she connected with the Force. Leia had her telling all their potential allies how she was a Jedi and could fight for them. Even Kylo sometimes seemed to think that it was only her similarity to him that made her worth noticing. Would her parents have left her if they had known what she could do? Did that even matter? All around the base, soldiers and families and politicians alike stared at her like she was their hope. And while sometimes she was honored that they viewed her that way, she knew it was only because they didn't know her. Because she was, in many ways, nothing. Just a scavenger. Just the daughter of worthless junk traders. Not strong enough to fight Snoke, not trained, not even sure she could be what was needed.

She wasn't really alone, she knew that. Finn and Rose and Poe loved her and they didn't care if she was a Jedi, especially Finn. But it felt like the rest of the galaxy was watching her, waiting for her to be… something. Kylo wanted her to leave everything behind for him. Leia, it was clear, wanted her to be an ambassador like the Jedi of the Clone Wars had been. So many others seemed to want a legendary, fearless Jedi Knight who could defeat entire armies. Even the kriffing Force had an agenda.

But Rey was none of those things. She was just one person. One person with no legacy and no answers. She sighed, retrieved the book off the floor, and put it and the rest away in the drawer she'd had them in before. Undoubtedly, Leia would want an apology, or at least an explanation. It wouldn't look good to the Resistance at large for their savior to go running off like that without even engaging with a supplicant.

Rey knew that was bitter of her, and she also knew she was supposed to control those kinds of feelings. But she'd spent her life just fine without the Jedi Code, and if she didn't follow it now she'd be fine.

She wasn't sure if that was actually true, but right now, she didn't care.

A/N: Rey gets a chapter! This is obvsly the most in depth I've gone into her headspace so far. Sometimes I have the same issue as her, where I feel alone even though I have tons of wonderful people around me? for no reason? I feel like a lot of people probably do. She just has more reason than me, haha. Incidentally, I think "Journey to the Past" from Anastasia is a good song for her, especially before TLJ.

For the record also! I feel like it's important to note that her feelings about why Kylo and Luke and Leia all value her aren't actually accurate representations and she kind of knows they aren't. It's just hard sometimes.

The book she was reading, for the uneducated (aka me a few weeks ago), was the Journal of the Whills. Google it for info, I only have a little. XD I'm a fledgling Star Wars nerd.

I chose the situation with the mother asking her to bless her baby because I've seen that as a hero trope a few times (even in Captain America, where he's handed a baby at one point for a photo op and it's like 'geesh why me'). And normally the hero's like, okay, I accept this role and does it. I feel like Rey only acts like a hero as a defense mechanism, but she doesn't wanna accept the role to that extent. Idk.

Love y'all! Btw, to my guest reviewers: I read your reviews and I love them and smile so much. Thanks!