You’re Not my Virgin Son!

Title: Getting Hit by a Truck Made Me Handsome

Reads: 1

-

"And now we wait…." Kline said nervously.

[Lithco: I wouldn't get your hopes up, Kline.]

The teen rolled his eyes and stared at the reads ticker.

Less than a minute later, he developed a massive grin.

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Getting Hit by a Truck Made Me Handsome

Reads: 378

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"It's going viral!" Kline declared excitedly, pumping his arms in the air, "What now, Lithco!?"

[Lithco: … ]

"I mean! Really, how are you going to talk shit when…."

Kline's eyes widened in shock, and he stared at the screen in disbelief. "Wait, it's only been three seconds…."

-

Getting Hit by a Truck Made Me Handsome

Reads: 98,132

-

He tried to pull up the page, but it was blank white and wouldn't load.

—

Warning! Requirement conflict detected.

Requirement: Fast Growth Enterprises: Social Media Influencer

Details: A competent hacker has targeted your blogging account.

They hit your article with a DDoS attack to prevent others from reading it and have already broken into your account and deleted the post.

Searching for available solutions. Please wait.

…

Conflict Resolution Options

Situation Severity: 10 | Due to the severity, A+ to F- moves from least bad to irreparable damage.

1. Meet with your hacker and utilize them as a resource. (A+)

2. Create a new account and use content moderation standards to prevent future attacks. (B)

3. Murder your hacker. (C+)

3. Create an anonymous account (D+)

4. Counterhack the hacker and start a criminal investigation (F-)

—

Kline jumped off the small bed in his prison-cell-style room and stared at the screen in disbelief. "How do grades these grades make sense!?"

[Lithco: Ask for the conflict resolution rationale before questioning it. Now sit down unless you want further study; people are watching you talk to dead space.]

The teen looked up at the black camera on the ceiling. "That's a line from my favorite school drama.

I'm thinking of becoming an actor now that I'm handsome. How were my acting and passion?"

The intercom in the room sharply sounded. "Terrible."

Kline's eyes glazed over at the instantaneous reply from the lab members. "I thought we were cool, Steve."

"Honesty is a sign of respect." The voice over the intercom stated bluntly.

The teen turned away bitterly and laid down again.

"How the fuck does that make sense, Lithco?" Kline thought aggressively, "It says that meeting my hacker is an A+, but killing them is far better than sending them to jail!"

[Lithco: It's not a mistake. Ask for the conflict details to see that rationale.]

"Conflict resolution details." Kline thought in annoyance.

—

Conflict Resolution Details

Your hacker is highly competent, unstable, and obsessively watches you over multiple channels. She "loves you" and will resort to kidnapping or murder if the law tries to take her away from you.

Her love ensures she'll stop at nothing to prevent you from starting a harem. However, it also means she'll do anything it takes to make you a multi-billionaire.

Choosing between death, murder, useless paranoia, compromising, and utilizing her skills for half your goals, the obvious route is to accept her help.

—

Kline's eyes widened in surprise. "Wait, the hacker is a woman? As in, there's a woman obsessively in love with me? One that could be my first harem member?"

[Lithco: Are you serious right now? You're being stalked by an unstable woman who may kill you, and you're focusing on her harem potential?]

"Getting rid of her is impossible, even with the system's help." The hopeless virgin teen laugh-scoffed, "So if she's fucking me, it might as well feel good, right?"

[Lithco: I'd consider your hyper-rational mindset admirable if you were cold, callous, or stoic. But you have a raging hard-on right now.]

Kline looked down at his little brother, pitching a proud tent in his white scrubs. "Fuck me."

The intercom sounded with a sharp pitch. "Now that! That's great acting!"

"If my unenthusiastic sex performance connects to you, I'm sorry for your girlfriend, Steve." The blonde-haired team replied dryly.

Steve hit the intercom button again. "And [this] is why everyone in the lab looked forward to your testing periods."

Kline's eyes glazed over. "Fuck you, Steve. I hate you so much. I hate you all so much."

He stared at the screen for an hour, mulling it over before finally choosing his option.

—

Path Confirmed: Meet with your hacker and utilize them as a resource. (A+)

The Soonest meeting time has been established. An invitation has been sent to the hacker, inviting them to the Swanson Spa Female Leadership Retreat.

—

"NO! No-no-no-no-no! Not there! Anywhere but there!" Kline cried aloud.

The intercom sounded. "Things are getting kinky. Your taste in school movies is… cultured."

"So, has my acting improved?" The hopeless virgin asked, looking at the camera.

"For a porn parody, it's fantastic. Keep up the good work." The intercom replied sassily.

"I hate you all so goddamn much." Kline growled, lying on the bed and regretting his decision.

A new window popped up.

—

Your hacker has accepted the invitation.

Good luck, Kline. May your pain and hard work overcome your misfortune.

—

"You say that, but you're adding to it." The blonde-haired teen laugh-scoffed internally, "I went through hell for this retreat.

Now you've invited a harem-preventing stalker to a harem-building event? It's like a joke."

...

The new-and-improved super virgin accepted a paltry $8,000 to sign another NDA that closed every loophole for criminal or civil liability for his treatment.

His words to Lithco were: [trauma guarantees life-long suffering, but this $8,000 is an investment in my short-term happiness. You need to learn to enjoy little victories, Lithco.]

Kline took the money and went clothing shopping with Lithco's recommendation. He asked for tips on how to dress like a charming playboy and ended up leaving wearing slacks and a medium-grey button-up.

He also got a proper Chad cut and advice on jelling his hair for maximum texture, ignoring all of the system warnings that his appearance was a C+ with effort.

Post-Chadification, he strode up the driveway of his house as a walking chemical weapon, killing mosquitos with the carcinogenic chemicals in the cologne he bathed in.

He was a full anti-inhalant advertisement, complete with a stupid smile that showcased the short-term brain damage the drugs cause.

His house was a brick house in a suburban neighborhood. There was a lush green lawn, a garden, and a large concrete porch in front of the front door with outdoor seating on it.

"Okay, where's my key?" Kline asked, checking his pockets, "Oh yeah, they told me I needed to leave behind anything that gave me hope of survival… I'll just knock then."

Knock! Knock! Knock!

The sound of footsteps resounded, and a kind woman with long blonde hair and gentle blue eyes opened the door.

Her warm smile instantly shifted, with her eyes trembling slightly from the instant hallucinogenic effects of the chemical weaponry assaulting her.

"I'm sorry, I'm not interested in becoming a Jehova Witness." She said, trying to shut the door.

"Hey! Hey, hey, wait!" Kline cried, pushing the door open, "I'm not a Jehova Witness!"

The woman collapsed on the stairs, overwhelmed by his toxic smell.

"I-I'm not interested in vacuums or knives." She stuttered, "You don't look like a father, so if you're here to sell Girl Scout Cookies, I know a good therapist that may help you fight your impulses to get near little girls."

Kine's eyes trembled in offended disbelief. "It's Kline! Kline Noble, mom!"

Her eyes snapped open, and she fought against the drug-fueled party raging in her mind.

"Yes, I'm Kline's mom. Sarah. Sarah Noble." Sarah said with tearful eyes, "What happened with my Kline!? Did something happen at the program!?"

"It's me, mom!" He cried, "I'm Kline!"

"Impersonation isn't funny!" She snapped angrily, "My Kline's fighting for his life at a dangerous program.

He's a kind, good-hearted, geeky loner who hasn't even kissed a woman. He's not a... wow, I don't know how to describe you."

Kline's eyes filled with horror and indignation. He now understood his appearance was so different she didn't recognize him. That wasn't the problem! He couldn't believe she offered that description of him to a [stranger]!

A voice came from the top of the stairs. "Who is it, Sarah?"

"It's someone impersonating my Kline!" His mother huffed, "I'm waiting to get confirmation on his death because he's in a dangerous experimental program.

My son is a weak, frail boy that's certain to die. Yet this little imp dares to mock him!"

"Mom!" Kline cried, "Do you have so little confidence in your son!? Ms. Peterson, please come down here and listen to my voice. Help my mom get some common sense!"

"What? That sounds like Kline." Ms. Peterson remarked, walking down the stairs. She was a voluptuous milf with lush brown hair, a Double D rack, and a justified love for yoga pants.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too." Sarah laughed dryly.

"Then what's… oh…." The busty woman gasped in pleasant surprise, "Well, hello there.

I'm not sure why you'd want to impersonate Sarah's melancholy weeb of a son, but I'm not opposed to it."

Kline's eyes widened in shock. "Woah, Ms. Peterson! It's really me, Kline!"

"Oh, yes, and I'm Ms. Peterson, Mr. Kline." Ms. Peterson replied with a slight predatory growl, "If you're the hush service gigolo, can I request some service, too?

I'm not a fan of the creepy incest fantasy you're attempting to sell, but to each their own, Mr. Kline. Just this once, I'll make an exception if Sarah lets me join."

Kline and his mother's eyes shot open in horror, listening to her words in shock and disbelief.

"Ms. Peterson! I'm not trying to sleep with my mom, you sick woman!" He cried, "Also, sexual harassment! It's 2023! How aren't you acclimated?"

"Sexual harassment?" She scoffed, "That's how I [know] you're a fake. The virgin downstairs would never experience an advance, let alone complain about it."

His eyes glazed over, looking at the approaching woman's rack with a slight chub. "Yeah, you're right about that, but… wait, no! I don't have time for this!

I just came here to tell my mom I'm alive and going to a leadership retreat. That's all—"

"Becky!" Sarah cried when Ms. Peterson reached forward and unbuttoned the top button of his grey button-up, "This [teen] is impersonating my son, and you're trying to get laid!?"

The brunette blinked twice and looked at Kline's shocked face with wide eyes. His heart was beating, and his face was uncomfortable… but not unwilling.

Seeing that slight consent, Ms. Peterson smiled. "Because this [man] has made a serious effort to look and smell good for his trip to help us mourn. It'd be a shame to let his good efforts to waste."