Sleepless days

Insomnia by Chris Yellow

"Thoughts pop out unordered,

I can't repress or control,

nor make sense of it all.

The endless restless tiredness.

Though my eyes are shut,

forms and silhouettes dance,

my pour neurons grasp

unshaken for conscience.

The time passes in shots

Too still to reduce the anguish,

too ready to ease the fatigue.

Visited by the sun

I assume now defeat

allowing awakeness."

It was late when I left the house to college, it was later when I arrived home and even later when I hanged up on Sonya... but somehow, my tiredness was still not enough to last a full peaceful sleep.

I tried changing my biological clock during the summer. Though I have been having classes early in the morning ever since I could remember, I was sure I could convince my stomach to eat breakfast at five in the afternoon and dinner at one in the evening, and my brain to awake and to go down with the moon instead of the sun.

I couldn't open my eyes, but I couldn't shield all the light from them either. I would lay down on my bed, try to focus on nothing but my own body. I would feel one by one my muscles mold to the mattress and as my body relaxed I would lose the grip on my own thoughts. I would be revisited by that awful feeling of being watched, the eyes would follow me to my own space and would transform the stillness of sleep in the restlessness of the hollowness, the frightening unknown thought of those penetrating orbs. The simple look of a pair would hunt me as a nightmare without any justification. During classes something escaped that expressionless look and bathed me with despair for no good reason. It made no sense that the feeling was that intense when he was around, even less when I was alone, when no soul could get to me in perfect light of day while I rested on my bed.

The nights followed each other like ordered train wagons, without much change or relaxation. Without stops to revive and resume the pace, the days followed up without any rest either. The problem is that the less you sleep... the more tired you get... the more anxious you get for a day of good sleep... the more you can't let go of your own thoughts to find your dreams... and the more impatient for sleep you get ergo not relaxing to sleep at all.

I couldn't believe that we would have to take gym classes, obligatory for all from next week on until the end of the degree. The main subjects, such as therianthrope history, therianthrope rights, law and economics were for every student during the first year, but gym didn't sound like a main subject for all. When school was finished, I thought I would have to find another way to exercise. I always needed exercise. While moving from school to school I managed to try a lot of different sports, but never really wanted to keep still. Still I was having mixed feelings about gym classes. Surely I was curious enough to see the freakshow in action, but at the same time I didn't know what to expect. I was solely sure that it would be out-worldly and that I was out of control as it was on regular classes.

I don't know if that helped or my mind wasn't convinced that I had this late schedule, but my stress was increasing and I couldn't wait to start exercising. I always slept much better after burning a significant amount of calories.

The eve of the first gymnastic class arrived, after a weekend of forced calm. I went to the beach with Sonia this weekend and tried living my normal ex-life. The days seemed to work in calming my spirit, but I couldn't sleep as well. The nights were filled with studying and tv so my rhythm wouldn't be lost. I couldn't let myself sleep during the night or I would go back to these months of unsuccessful self-disciplin. Also, I know that complaining about sleep to regular people was ridiculous but I was useless after 7 hours of sleep, I needed at least 10 good hours of drop dead sleep to replenish my body and mind and nowadays it was more like 8 hours of sleep and 2 hours of fighting with the sheets.

I am not in favor of pills when they are prescription of a doctor, even less so when the prescription comes from my mother, however desperate times ask for desperate measures... I could tell my father's enthusiasm was replaced by worry in the last few days and that my mother was already considering an intervention. After my mother insisted persistently that continuing to get stronger blacks around my eyes would result in madness, she got me to try her sleeping pills.

I got to my bedroom as usual, when I was ready to fight my mind and concentrate on my body relaxation. I grabbed the water glass and pill on the nightstand and in a zip they were both on the way down in.

I waited with my eyes closed, thinking of all the thoughts I couldn't allow and continuously reaching for the emptiness of mind. A pair of eyes focused on me from the nothingness surrounding, then they turned as if he heard something that caught his attention. My eyes followed his and I saw a person in the distance. Brown curly hair fell down her back. I could tell that she was a she because of the curves of her back and legs.

I started zooming in on her in fast interrupted jumps. She turned to look back as if I made some noise and I could tell she was frightened as hell. She jumped back and fell down on grass, she shook her hair fast of her face and looked frozen into my eyes. My zooming in continued and I could now see her face perfectly, it was Sonya. She looked healthy and undamaged by her fall, so it was puzzling to see her panic expression. She must have seen the pair of eyes that were in the back, I almost forgot them.

-``It's OK Sonya, it's just my mental college. He won't harm anyone.''

Sonya's expression didn't change, maybe there was even more fright in her eyes and I couldn't understand. Couldn't she hear me? Couldn't I bring her back from her trance as she did so often by now with me? And it hit me, he must be out of the dark, she must have seen a wolfman with those penetrating eyes looking beyond the field between them. Poor woman must be experiencing my Halloween discovery and with him, the guy was frightening enough without showing himself I can't imagine the whole of him.

I turned and searched for the wolf. Turning I stopped, a run I didn't know I was doing. That was why I was zooming in on her. I couldn't find him though, nor his eyes, only dark nothingness. I couldn't have run that far, but if he wasn't there then why was she still so afraid? Why couldn't she come out off shock when she wasn't seeing his eyes and I was telling her everything was alright? I resumed my run to meet her, maybe I could shake her out of it. Nevertheless when I turned back and started running again now in a fast pace she winced. Her all body reacted in a deeper fear. I looked down and saw that I was on four paws and that I wasn't myself. She was frightened by me! I was her haunting eyes. I was running towards her to help, but I was only scarring her further.

-``I didn't mean to. I am sorry, it's me! It's me, can't you see? I won't hurt you, I never would. There is no reason to get scarred.'' - In all confusion I realize all that left my mouth were barks of a strong powerful and terrible echoing sound.

I woke up sweating, my hands were shaking, well, my whole bed was shaking. I could feel the trembling under the sheets. My eyes were wide open and my breath uneasy, like I was preparing to jump on someone. I went to the bathroom, driving my shaking body through the dark because I knew the way by heart... but under the sunlight that breached the blinders and reached the hall, I was mainly guided by instinct. I had never felt so alive and so terrified, not even when I discovered that I would wear fur for life.

The bathroom was lighter than the hall, the small window between the sink and the tub enlightened the whole room, as if there was never a reason for the silly man to invent artificial light. I took a deep breath and found a pallet of odors that made me regret that habit immediately.

A loaf of fresh air can really reboot your whole system and travel your mind for miles, releasing all your tension and lowering your anxiety. If you close your eyes and breath deep, forcing your lungs to regulate your breath it can work miracles. But in a small bath room even as clean as this one was, it wasn't the right place to let yourself fill with the sound and colors of the air.

My stomach revolved as my mind was filled with images of mushrooms growing in steamy dark corners and bawl movements my dad had probably hours before in that same lavatory that sit on my right and my mother morning toilet habits of soap, mousse and creams. Too many fragrances to fill such a tiny room, such a small moment of time in such a crowded head as mine was.

As a result my throat shut, coughing most of the air, my eyes opened wide and fast again. I opened the bathroom window at once to refresh the air still in my lungs. I breathed three times now, just to cleanse my lungs and mind. I gave up on the breathing and put the water running to wash my face. -``Oh, give me a brake!''- Filling my hands with water, the hair on them got smooth and I learned I had waken in my hairy state. I looked into the mirror in front of me and saw my huge face, my long hair and all else I wasn't used to seeing yet.

My nose was darker at the tip, and it felt wet. My ears pointed at the roof from between my hair only to bend down and they were longer than usual. My chin was brought under my nose and rested with a cone-like shape on my cheeks. I couldn't recognize half of it, but at least I could see my eyes were similar and my hair too. I laughed at myself thinking of how exhausted I must have been to actually find any similarities with me in that furry dreadful figure looking back. The wolves eyes tightened and the corners of the mouth raised up a little with a smile. Like this my reflection didn't look so frightening... if I could laugh at it, then my face wasn't such a horror movie. Nevertheless, I got carried away. My laugh showed so many huge teeth and the small eyes hidden in all the fur brought me that first impression right back. ``I am dreadful! Hateful! No wonder I am my own nightmare!''

When the tiredness would win the anxiety this nightmare would re-visited me, with the distinction that I would no longer not understand what Sonya was running from or why. ``I was my new and continuous nightmare.''. The only positive side was that those terrible bleach staring eyes would not make me as uncomfortable anymore. They scarred me, don't get me wrong, they kicked the air right out of my lungs, the strength out of my legs and kept me apathetic all the way home, like their range would end where my own hairy nightmare begun. But all and all, their power was reduced.