Guilt-Trip

The day after he let her sleep over, she told her friends about it. For him, it was something more to regret than to feel happy about. Their break that time had lasted a while and he was starting to get over her. He was talking with someone else at the time. No label, but they were looking for it.

Nothing really happened, but she slept over and they cuddled, and left him feeling immensely guilty. That day, he told her that whatever happened that night could never happen again. He said he had a choice in getting together with someone else, and that they couldn't continue being in this cycle. He missed her, but they were better off as friends. This time, he was the one who set the boundary.

The rest of the weekend, though, proved that she didn't get his message. She tried to dance intimately with him at a party, called him over when he was watching a movie with friends, and asked him again if she could sleep over. While he rejected her advances, he had to deal with the consequences of his actions as he explained what happened to some of his friends and to the girl he was actually interested now.

He lost a friend because she was angry and disappointed with him for hurting the girl he was talking to. It didn't help that his frustration and guilt over his own actions translated to how he reacted when others first asked him about it. The girl he was talking to was more understanding, but he felt a clear rift between them after he explained what happened. His friends understood too but were still disappointed.

The worst part, though, came a few months later.

After getting through most of the guilt and drama, he met up with her during break. After being together for a year, he still had hopes of staying in touch with her, even though he didn't want to be anywhere near as close as before. It started off okay. They hadn't really kept in touch since she visited, which she called him out on, but he wasn't trying to argue. They were waiting for the bus when he told her that he wasn't friends with V anymore.

"What? Why?" she asked.

"Because of the night you slept over. I told you how I was thinking about getting together with someone and V was pissed that I let you sleep over, even though me and her were talking."

"What do you mean you were talking with someone?"

"I've literally told you. Why do you think I said that what happened that night could never happen again?"

"You never told me that. You said you had choices of girls you could be with."

"No. I said I had a choice to make to be together with someone."

At that point, he started to get pissed. She was acting ignorant after all her advances and his repeated rejections. She paused for a moment and could feel their whole atmosphere change. While before it felt awkward, it started to feel suffocating, like before. She was playing dumb or she didn't hear. He felt more inclined to believe the former, especially since she would have gotten the hint after so many times of saying "no." But she did was she always did before.

"No. You never told me that."

She made him doubt himself.

As they waited for the bus in silence, he could feel the stares aimed at them. She wasn't exactly quiet, and New York is already cramped enough as is. When the bus finally came, she sat away from him. He started to feel guilty again; he started to feel as if he needed to make it up to her. When they got to the hole-in-the-wall ramen place, they ordered and she stepped out almost immediately after, saying that she needed a moment. He could feel the stares aimed at him coming from the waitress and the family seated right next to them. Only after a few minutes passed after the food arrived did he send her a text. When she arrived, the food was already cold.

They ate in silence. The food had given him a huge stomachache, but he had to hold it in when they left the shop.

"Do you have anything to say to me?" she asked.

At that point, all the silence and pointed comments had guilt-tripped him into believing that he was at fault for everything. And while he did have his fair share of mistakes, she stopped him from seeing how she constantly overstepped his own boundaries at the moment.

"I don't know…. I guess I just wanna say that I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way. I thought I told you clearly what was happening, but I guess not." No, he did say it clearly, but she just wasn't listening to him. There may not have been a time where she ever really listened to him. There's a reason why he never felt comfortable enough with her to share his problems.

As before, she kept silent. His attempts to alleviate the situation seemed to get nowhere. She had a talent for making him feel like shit; he realized this much later—how many strong emotions could run through his body in front of her and how little they seemed to matter to her. This was proved to him all too much when she brought him in front of the college she attended over the summer…the place where he broke up with her.