Chapter 2: Gijima (Out of My Life)

Hide, I tell Ciara, with steel fists forming by my sides, my nails start to turn crimson. It wasn't supposed to be today! I wasn't supposed to pay taxes until next week. What's the rush? Not only that, with the situation going on affecting people like Ciara—people who don't have their own property—Ciara had to be hidden away. She may be seventeen, ten months older than me, the law doesn't allow women under 25 to own property. I'm just fortunate my father put the store in his will. Don't you love living in a patriarchal society? Although, being seen as an "illegal shelter" whatever that means, isn't an ideal label in the land of Terikin, I still have an inevitable urge to help civilians. Tita Ana has always bore me—constantly—about how I always aid people like Ma. It doesn't matter, Ma won't help Ciara and I; she'll only help the maggots admiring her bones that feed their diminished—almost nonexistent—bellies. Maybe she'll even—

"TAXES, YOU CUNT!" I snap out of my shaming reverie; tears were about to brim from my stiff eyelids. I'm not sure how the tears materialize, maybe I'm denying that I miss Ma. Whatever, Ma can't pay the taxes, only I have that in my volition. Luckily, my tears evaporated to the sky's haven as soon as this ignorant man—no, this impudent boy—accost me in such an unnecessary language! How could a boy like him with his measure of about four feet in height speak to a lady like scum! The boy looks at me while he reaches his right hand to ruffle his dung-colored beard that covers his lump of a neck. Though, this boy with an absence of perception wouldn't make a rat flee away, he still makes the hair on the nape of my neck prick when he does such a simple, but intimidating action.

The weapon he brandishes is none other than a cudgel the size of him. A laugh almost escapes my lips from the comparison of the boy and his weapon. Then, I realize there's a man—he looks like a man, unlike his friend—about half a head taller than me. His broad shoulders could hold many bowls; his lips aren't a slim line like the boy's. His lips fly a smirk at me; I feel my cheeks flush when he instantly winks after. Male encounters aren't my fine suit, nor would I want to be acquainted with such beasts. He must think the weapon is like his friend, like how I think so. This man couldn't possibly fancy—

The boy springs to my way; my knees buckle, I may have misunderstood this boy; I may regret this. No, I won't regret my death. As soon as I see Ma in her new haven, I will make her feel my pain. I will tell her I—

"Luka! I will receive the taxes from the lady! Go to Ian!" Luka, the stout boy, almost stumbles when his partner echoes a command he doesn't—can't—resist. His mysterious partner crosses his arms as he scowls at Luka. What makes me most perplexed is how he seems to show such inevitable reverence to his partner. But not to me! Such male toxicity, I swear. After the man who speaks of Luka watches Luka squirm away like a frightened cat, he gives me a rueful smile. Why should he feel bad? I must say I would be lying if I said he doesn't look friendly. But I'm not sure if his body language is misleading.

Who are you Luka's partner? Will your wink be only an action that deceives, or will it make me naive and believe? Will your animosity make me fear you, and make me bleed?

"But Commander Seth! She is just a cunt! She doesn't deserve your generosity!" Luka snarled at me with rage and disgust in his eyes, while holding Seth's shoulder with a tenacious grip. As soon as Luka finishes his plea to Seth, Seth immediately steps away from Luka with grace. How can his gait be so calm when I was called a cunt not too long ago? Men are so confusing. Seth glares at Luka, with an eyebrow raised to the sky; I don't believe Luka will test Seth again. With Seth's towering height compared to Luka's height, Luka then whispers something to Seth. Something that won't make anger fill Seth's veins. While Seth is listening to Luka's mysterious words when crouched to Luka's head—he's that short—Seth has a look of understanding when he looks at me. He licks his lips with just one swipe of his tongue. Stop blushing, Gijima! Skies! He's part of the Regimen; they're filthy men that want to only get in your pants! Unfortunately, I can't match words to his lips, I can only speculate. I'm not good at reading people's lips, but I'm not blind to what Luka is speaking of to Seth, he must have malicious intent.

Seth going back to his towering position nods to Luka, with a friendly grin. A deceiving grin at that. Luka nods with such optimism in his eyes, so hopeful. "So, may I after you're done?" Luka speaks with such pride when covering the Regimen medal around his neck. "Yes, now leave, Luka. Go. To. Ian. Now." Seth nods to Luka to dismiss him, I hope Ciara won't show his hiding spot while I deal with these fools.

"I'm sorry, soldier," his eyes dilated when I didn't call him by his name, he must think we're friends with that first name basis, "but I can't give you taxes until next week. Don't you try and get respect from me, respect for you is ludicrous." I cross my arms while looking into Seth's golden eyes. I see a mysterious, not to mention confusing, man in you. Seth, what do you see in me? He brushes off loose hair that falls on his left eyebrow. He looks away from me as he releases a calm exhale, and steps closer in the store. His eyes are then redirected at me with a smirk. "Ma'am, I would never ask for your respect, you seem to only give it when you choose. But." A genuine smile traces over his face, "I would like to make some pleasant conversation with you." While I subtly make our distance longer, I roll my eyes at this fool, with my eyes challenging him to repeat another flirtation. "Sure, let's just ignore the fact your friend called me a 'cunt.' Let's ride the Terikin River and drink red wine while we're at it." I distract myself by cleaning the table where the customers enter.

"Shall we, my lady?" He places his right arm through my left and holds me close—I didn't even hear his footsteps. But, My lady, I have to admit, that's the most charming thing a man has done—has said. Either he's persistent or he's an idiot. And I'm naive to believe his words. "What's your name, ma'am?" I spoke too soon, but I'm glad he shows somewhat respect with ma'am. Unlike other villagers, it's not something I favor, nor fancy being addressed that way. I don't really know why it annoys me, it just does. I take a quick second to relieve myself from this fool's charade at being a gentleman. "Look, soldier, I'm sixteen and my name is none of your business, I have my own lover to go to the Terikin River." I pulled away from his grasp, his eyes widened in surprise, with a following smile. "Now, you must not be aware of sarcasm, because I would never join you in anything, even if my life depended on it." My arms crossed in a condescending position. He better take a hint and let me be. At first, a frown is fabricated on his face, with his shoulders slumped. Leave, soldier, no business for you here. Out of the blue, he smiles and straightens like a tree. He strides toward me with a patient pace, from afar he looks half a head taller than me, but he's really two heads. He gets closer, and closer. He stops an arm's length in front of me, and pulls me by my waist. As soon as he grips me I tense. I want to smack him, but I shouldn't, right? He's part of the Regimen. After brushing hair off my ear, he traces my cheekbone.

"You must think your words are as strong as your cheekbones," he smiles when I scowl. Or the fact that I'm blushing. Dammit. " I may not feel your left one, but your witty tongue wouldn't allow me, given your character." Excuse me, what character? Men are so annoying I swear. Who would wed such a damn nuisance? I rather be burned alive then kiss a pig. Confidence streaks in his tone; a smug smile forms on those perfect lips. It's nothing but a ruse. Only an idiot would fall for a man's appearance.

"What are you talking—"

His index finger shuts my lips. Pulling me closer, he makes my knees buckle at his closeness. I've never been in such an intimate space with a boy. My anger melts down, then it is replaced by reluctance. Reluctant for what, I'm not sure. All I know is I feel like a rabbit in a hawk's talons. Then the hawk pulls closer, further making me uncomfortable. More helpless. I hate being in this position.

"Nah, ah, ah, miss, I shall ask the questions here." His lips graze by my ear; lust dances in his words, which makes me nervous. "You shall answer them." He flicks his snake-like tongue while he pulls away from my ear. How repulsive!

I thought you were decent, soldier. Perhaps, not. My hands curl to tight fists by my waist. "Get away from me." Exasperated, I mutter, "I'll just pay the taxes later."

"Miss, don't you want to know what my partner whispered to me?" I shake my head in response. I couldn't care less about that disrespectful midget. Like the old saying goes, those closer to the ground, are closer to hell. No wonder that Luka was so insolent.

"No, I believe you do. After all." He glances at me fervently. "You seemed very interested in what he was telling me." Another one of his preposterous smiles takes my view.

I attempt to understand what he's trying to say, but it can't be true. Did he see me looking? But he was looking at Luka all the time, except for when he and I glanced at each other. Wait. He snake eyed me. He looked at me from the corner of his eyes. I swallow the bile that raises in my throat from how Seth used his looks to deceive me. I hate to admit it but he's handsome, but that's not an excuse for me to be vulnerable. Resignation hits me when I think how a mere boy played me. With his looks. Curse him. Looking away from his glance, I hope he'll change the subject. But it's a lost cause.

"If you'd stop being so stubborn, will you listen?" Rolling my eyes, I peer back at him. Whatever, this will probably be our last time seeing each other, I might as well cooperate. I nod my head to show my submission. At first he finds it difficult to ospeak. I don't why it's such a difficult task when he's an idiotic flirt. He puts his left hand on his left ear, as if he has a migraine. What's troubling this fool to speak? Shouldn't I be exhausted from him wasting my time? He sighs with exhaustion—as if he was the one being called a "cunt"—then he looks at me. No. He looks at me as if he can see right through me. For a moment, a sharp sensation takes my gut. But as soon as it arrived, it left. I tell myself it's just some trance that men do to get what they want, but my heart tells me it's genuine. At this point, I don't know what I should favor: my heart or my mind?

"He wanted to… um—what's your name? You didn't tell me, even though it is my business." Feigning a relaxed position, he then smiles. A smile like a wolf's grin, an attempt to make me oblivious to his terrible composure.

"Maybe we should go out with—"

I smack him, like a machine: automatic and without emotion. As soon as my hand made contact, though I instantly regretted it. His face turned away from me, then slowly turned back to me.

"You know what, just because Luca called you a cunt; and wanted me to rape you where you stand, and let him have you after, I will let you obtain a pass to hit me."

(AUTHOR NOTE: Yes, I know rape isn't the best word in the books, but you have to understand, that's just how the world is in this book. That's why Layla was smacked by Lenix. I don't like stories with rainbows and unicorns. I like stories that have struggles and hardships. Like how people believe it's always easy to be successful, even though success is just the tip of the iceberg of the whole process.)

Seth gets behind me with a powerful grip on my left shoulder, then pulls my right arm behind my back. The slim of his lips get closer to my ear. Fire burns my head just by his breathing, like a dragon. Anxiety takes a hold of me; being in this position never goes well with women, like me.

"Next time, love, if you touch me, in a way I don't approve of, you'll regret it." His leer shines with a threat to his words. A promise.

Gijima! He's just a fool, don't let him see you vulnerable! I swallow the bile of fear that forms in my dry throat. His hair smells of sweat that's yet to be displayed, like dew not yet a liquid. I face him with only eyes of no defeat, I can't let this fool win. I pray my eyes make at least a spark of intimidation. "Fine, my name is Gijima Abara; my father is an advisor for the palace. You must have heard of him, everyone has." Using my father as an excuse for my harassment with this boy isn't something I'm proud of. But how else can I not be a victim of… a terrible act. Reputation is something I have to use as a way to buy me some time of my life. I don't mean to sound so arrogant, but this fool's ego will be challenged. He won't steal my pride, I'll create my own if I have to. After all, reputation is like currency. Seth glances at the skies like this conversation isn't occurring, and chuckles. "Love, I know an arrogant soul when I see one. You, love." He smiles and shakes his head. I cringe each time he speaks, wishing I was already dead. "Are only taking your pride for your father. Your pride would be genuine, if I actually heard of your father." I don't understand, I'm supposed to be unreadable. Emotions aren't conspicuous badges for someone like me, well, hitherto. "You want to know what else I know is not real? Your lover."

How. In. The. Skies. Name. Does. He. Know? I have to object to his assumptions, even if they are correct. Lies are my only methods of a promising defense. I won't let a man bend my mind like him."I know my lover is an incredible man!"

"Oh, really?" Seth laughs as he steps so close, our noses touch. "Tell me, will he allow this?" As soon as I realize what Seth speaks of it's too late. His lips meet mine with no hesitation. An invisible force makes my hands hold his head that's as sharp as a sculpture. His cheekbone could cut the smallest grain of sand. At that moment I felt trapped against my will. I'm not sure what was happening to me, but I hated it. I felt like a puppet, with my body feeling automatic. I've never felt such intangible force in my life. I pull away from the kiss, wanting to slap myself. Why did I do that! Only a whore would pursue such an action. Confusion and embarrassment line his facial features. Then I realize he's not looking at me like how he was before: spiteful and arrogant. No, not at all, almost… solemn. As dumb as it sounds, it's like he's truly looking at me.

Not a sobbing sixteen-year-old, definitely not a cunt. But Gijima Abara: a hopeless romantic. A girl who has mixed feelings for her mother;s demise. A girl who wishes she didn't feel like a disappointment for being… herself. Inwardly, curses take my mind. I won't let this man see me for who I am. No one can, not when I don't even know who I am myself. Ever since I saw him having a blast at making fun of me because I liked him—that's an understatement—I was head-over-heels for that bastard. I thought I loved him, and it would be mutual; my feelings were unrequited. I thought I could be like a girl, who has a man. But ever since he became, well, who he is now. There's something about me that I know, you'll never find love, Gijima. Vulnerability isn't worth such a stupid sacrifice. Those were his last words. Words that will stay in my head like a brutal tattoo, that will never lose it's pain. Since that incident, I've made a fortification for my well being. Anyone who gets close to me, only uses me. Men are only idiots. That's why friends can't be in my circle. Only Ciara: my true—and only—family can give me comfort.

I don't know why, but I pull him for an embrace. He may have been a bastard, but he's a stranger, we'll never see eachother again, so it would be like it never happened. In response, Seth hugs me with his arms flexing as if he knows me. He puts my head on his shoulder, whenever I feel how wet his shoulder is, it makes me wonder why his metal chest plate isn't dry. That's when I realize tears are brimming out of my eyes. How do I let strangers break through my shield of stone to touch my emotions? This shouldn't happen to a girl like me. Being fickle is unnecessary; I can't have a stupid boy change me! "Gijima, I'm sorry, I wasn't acting like—

"That's it! I don't care if you're part of the stupid government, you imbecile!" An unknown voice reverberates through the store. I almost forgot Seth and I were alone. It's like we were in our own world. "No one messes with my friend! Only me!" I get tossed off of Seth to the sandy ground; it bites my skin. I hate to admit I rather be in Seth's embrace. I don't know how but he felt so warm—like a new home, as if my home right now wasn't a dead-beat store. "But I call her Kale, so it's a whole 'nother story, you creep!" Ciara! She wasn't supposed to get out of her spot! While I'm on the floor Seth and Ciara's eye contact looks so intense I swore I saw a spark of lightning in their eyes. I also see Seth is glistening with water, but my eyes are deceiving me, I didn't sob that much. Ciara then puts her knuckles in action; her elbows straining for a brawl, ready to punch Seth. Ciara is fit, but not as lean and tall as Seth. Seth looks relaxed and patient like he was with Luka. His posture is indifferent while silently challenging at Ciara; like he's wasting his time. Ciara starts a steady saunter to my way—while still having her eyes pinned at Seth's each and every move—her steps are lighter as she travels to me. Whenever I'm almost completely standing, Ciara puts her hands on my shoulder to help me with my balance and whispers, "Did he… touch you?" I don't know how Seth could hear Ciara from such a distance, but I saw how Seth's eyes had flame take his golden eyes whenever he heard "you." Seth beats me to my words.

"I would never touch a woman like that!" I don't think I can believe Seth's words when his lips grazed my ear. My ears still burn from his lips' contact. Ciara looks at me to tell her what she should do next. Luckily, all I have to do is shake my head for Ciara to get the message.

Get him out of here, Ciara. I don't want him here, again.

Ciara nods at me with a pat on my shoulder. "Who is this, Gijima? I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have—"

"So you did touch her! Such nerve! I swear just, because we don't have a dick between our legs you have to bother us! Leave whoever you are! Last warning!" Ciara's voice raised gradually when she spoke; but would Seth actually leave? He's part of the Regimen: the most respected soldiers in Terikin. Ciara may be my side, and she may try to attempt to help me, but I don't appreciate her language. Is it really necessary for such vulgar language? I at least try to act like a respectable person. Then again, we were raised in different houses. And the last time I stepped in her house… blood was spilled.

Seth's eyes glanced at me for my approval if he should leave the store or not.

If he should leave my life or not.

Before I give him my decision I look at the store—my current home; the haven he was when his arms wrapped around me. Even though my original home will exist—the store, where mom taught me so many things, like how I'll live as an orphan until Tita and Tito stop wasting their money on worthless items and Father actually visits—Seth will be my new home. He'll be my new haven, my closest friend and my closest confidant. He'll be my lover. My heart flutters at our future, but it disappears as fast as it appears when reality falls upon me.

Gijima, you don't know this fool! You will never find love, not after him! You'll learn something new everyday in this store. Look at the carpets that cover the windows, who made those

You and Ma!

Who made the door—everything in and out of this store?

You and Ma!

Don't let a deceiving boy steal your heart and crush it under you as soon as you submit to him. All boys are the same, they'll never be tamed! Unless you let them go, they'll never treat you with benevolence.

Never.

I look at all the interior furniture, the chair where Ma told me how she met my healthy father. How he was an amazing man from the beginning of his life. How he was never a liability, how I should marry a wealthy and handsome man, just like my father. Seth may be wealthy—with him being part of the Regimen—but he'll never have my heart, not like my father had Ma's.

Looking into Seth, I see someone who I'll never know, who I don't want to know. Someone who I can never—love.

He made you vulnerable the first time he laid eyes on you, Gijima. Don't trust someone who makes you vulnerable.

"Leave." It comes out of my lips almost promptly, Seth looks at me, like I'm his world—

But he'll never have you.

"But—

"She said leave! Are you deaf?" Ciara confronts and spats while walking towards him. "Also." Ciara puts her right hand on Seth's now slouched shoulder—a shoulder that proves Seth is defeated. "I don't think you should try—don't even think about it—and touch Gijima." Seth looks at me, he must still be listening to Ciara, because he's sucking his teeth while Ciara speaks. But Seth's eyes turn so glossy—tears? No, Seth wouldn't do that. I bet he enjoyed seeing me vulnerable. Seeing me crumble, under his touch. Please, Gijima, that's what Seth's eyes tell me; his pleading eyes want me to believe that's what he wants. But I know his genuine intention is malicious. It'll always be malicious, like all men.

Seth looks back at Ciara and nods once I tell his eye, "I don't want to see you again." Seth then says to Ciara, "I'm sorry for my unnecessary behavior, I'll have another soldier take my place to pick up your taxes." Seth nods and says, "The taxes are due next moon." How could Seth be so generous the next time we play taxes, maybe he does—

Don't let him play you, Gijima. Men are like slingshots, they'll pull you close to them, but as soon as they don't want you, they'll release you far away from them.

"How can you do that? I know you have a status like a noble—being wealthy—but you can't change our timing for taxes. That's unheard of," Ciara questions Seth with his hands on his waist.

"I'll pay the taxes," Seth says to Ciara in a calm manner. Then, Seth starts making his way out of the store.

Out of my life.