Squirrelly Funerals and Nutty Neighbors: Part I

Early on Saturday morning, three weeks after the "miracle soap" incident, Cory and Shawn were tossing a football around in the Matthews' backyard. Though still not allowed to talk to each other outside of school during the week, they were finally able to see each other on weekends again.

Cory was greatly relieved to have his weekend free time back as he had been able to do nothing but homework, chores, and baby-sit Morgan over the last twenty-one days. He had never been so happy to do nothing again. Shawn, on the other hand, had not minded his grounding as much due to the fact that Audrey was over so often.

During his time cooped up in the apartment, as he had told Cory, Shawn noticed that the amount of time Jon and Audrey spent working on schoolwork was continually decreasing and the time they spent just "hanging out" was continually increasing. He also reported with a certain level of satisfaction that Audrey's phone number had bumped Miss Tompkins's number down to number two on the speed dial. He also said that it had been over a week since Jon and Katherine had last gone out on a date and she hadn't been over lately. Cory got the distinct impression that his friend was more than a little happy that Miss Tompkins was not around so much. Though Shawn never said anything directly, Cory could tell that she made him uncomfortable. Shawn did once tell him that, while he liked Miss Tompkins as a person, he didn't think she was right for Jon.

"So," Cory jogged backwards to catch the pass Shawn threw him. "When are Mr. Turner and Miss Andrews coming to get us?"

For months, Cory and Shawn wanted to go a Six Flags amusement park, but no one had the time to take them. They had been unusually well behaved during their punishment, so Jon and Audrey with the Matthews' blessing had surprised them with a trip to a nearby theme park in New Jersey. Cory and Shawn had been looking forward to it all week. They had, in fact, almost driven Mr. and Mrs. Matthews crazy with their incessant chatter about the upcoming outing.

Shawn glanced at his watched. "They ought to be here in fifteen minutes."

"Cool." Cory flung the football as hard as he could. It spiraled nicely and sailed over Shawn's head, landing somewhere behind the tree that grew near Cory's bedroom window.

Shawn disappeared behind the tree to retrieve the ball and didn't come back.

"Hey, Cory?" he finally called.

"Yeah?"

"You remember the day Jon said I could stay with him?"

"Yeah," Cory replied slowly, wondering what that had to do with anything.

"You remember how you tried to climb down the tree and got caught?"

"Yeah," Cory said again, recalling the details of that day.

Did I loose a shoe or something and Shawn found it? he wondered. He couldn't remember loosing anything.

"That nasty little squirrel kept coming at me," he added with a scowl.

"Well," Shawn said with an odd tone to his voice. "I think that nasty squirrel kicked the bucket. Literally."

Cory ran over to the tree to see what was going on.

Shawn was standing over a red plastic bucket of Morgan's that was half- buried in the sandbox.

Cory peered into the bucket to see what had caught Shawn's interest. He jumped back when he did. A medium-sized squirrel lay tail up in the pail. It looked petrified. Whatever it was, one thing was certain- it was dead.

"Yuck," Cory said. "Wonder what happened to it?"

"I don't know," Shawn replied absentmindedly. He reached for a nearby stick and poked at the animal.

"Dead?" Cory asked.

"I don't think it's sleeping."

Shawn dropped the stick and gave the bucket a kick.

"Definitely not sleeping," he confirmed.

"Yeesh," Cory muttered. "Why'd have to die in there?"

"Let's bury it," Shawn said. He dug the pail out of the sand and picked it up. With his free hand he began to dig a grave.

"Whoa, whoa, wait," Cory said, taking the pail from him. He held it at arm's length.

"What?" Shawn stopped digging.

"You're not going to bury it there, are you?"

Shawn looked at him. "That was the idea."

"But my sister plays in there." Cory paused a moment. "So do I for that matter."

"So where should we put?"

"I don't know." Cory turned around in circles looking for a spot to deposit the corpse.

"Cory! Shawn!"

The boys could hear Mrs. Matthews calling for them from inside the house.

"Your ride's here."

"Yeah, coming, Mom," Cory shouted back.

"There," Shawn pointed to the barbeque grill. "Why don't we put the bucket on top of that? Your dad'll know what to do with it."

"Good idea," Cory responded. He carelessly set the bucket on the grill as he and Shawn ran into the house.

Amy had hoped that it would take the boys awhile to come inside; she wanted a chance to talk to Audrey. Though she had spoken with the student teacher briefly in the past and had heard much about her from Cory, Amy had never sat down and really talked to Audrey.

Unfortunately, she would not have that chance today.

The boys rushed in almost immediately. Shawn ran to Audrey and hugged her as though he hadn't seen her in days. Amy couldn't help but notice the grin on his face that stretched from ear to ear. It had been a long time since she had seen a smile like that on Shawn.

"I'll tell you what, Jonathan," Alan said, smiling at the giddy boys. "You and Audrey are incredibly brave to take those two on a two hour road trip."

Jon smiled. "We may regret this," he said lightly.

Alan smiled in amusement. He had much experience with Cory and Shawn on road trips. "Oh, you will," he assured him. "You will."

Cory and Shawn were practically dragging Audrey to the front door.

"I think they want to leave," she said over her shoulder.

"Guys," Amy scolded them. "Be careful with her. You'll leave soon enough."

Cory let go of Audrey long enough to hug his parents and say good-bye. Shawn kept a grip on the redhead, pulling her with him as he also hugged Amy and said goodbye to Alan.

"I'd really love to get together with you sometime soon, Mrs. Matthews," Audrey said as she was being led to the door again. Cory and Shawn stopped short of the door causing Audrey to trip. Jon caught her before she could fall.

"Would you two let go?" he said as he helped Audrey regain her balance.

"We will get together soon," Amy promised the girl. "And call me Amy."

Audrey smiled and waved goodbye as the four of them headed out to the truck.

Amy shut the door and leaned against it with a secretive smile on her lips. Alan looked at her suspiciously.

"And what would that look be for exactly?" he asked walking over to her.

"Audrey's a beautiful girl, don't you think?"

"Yes," Alan said slowly, wondering what his wife was getting at. She seemed to be off in her own little world.

"And really sweet, too."

"Mmhmm."

"And she's been so good for Jon."

Alan frowned. "You mean Shawn?"

"What?" Amy looked startled. "That's what I said."

"No you didn't," he said accusatorily. "You said Jon. Amy-y-y."

"What?" she said again. "It is true. She's been good for both of them."

Alan shook his head. "Please stay out of this."

"I just think that they'd make a cute couple that's all." She walked pass him towards the kitchen.

"No," he said following her. "That's never all. Please, don't try to play matchmaker."

"I wouldn't think of it," she said innocently.

"Promise me."

Amy rolled her eyes at him and he took her by the shoulders.

"Amy..." He looked into her eyes. "Promise me."

"Oh, Alan," she said in exasperation. At the look on his face, she smiled. "All right. I promise."

"Good." Alan kissed her nose and wrapped her in a hug. "That's my girl."

"Look," Jon said slightly irritated. He glanced in the rearview mirror. "We are not stopping again."

"But it was a really cool looking gas station, Jon," Shawn protested with a hint of a whine in his voice. "Besides I have to go."

Jon gave him an annoyed look in the mirror. "That's impossible. We just stopped ten minutes ago. We're driving at least another half an hour before we stop again."

Audrey shook her head. In the last forty-five minutes, they had stopped at nearly every gas station on the way to Jackson, New Jersey. Shawn also insisted on taking a tour of each station before leaving. He seemed fascinated with them.

Cory sat quietly, for the moment, staring out the window with a grin plastered on his face. Suddenly he broke out into song.

"Ninety-nine cans on Pepsi on the wall..."

"Not again," Audrey groaned, rubbing her forehead.

Shawn grinned and joined in.

"Take one down, pass it around. Ninety-eight cans of Pepsi on the wall..."

Jon glanced at Audrey. "You'd think they'd get sick of singing the same thing over and over again."

"You'd think," she muttered and slid down into the seat.

"Guys," Jon interrupted their tune. "Could you sing something else? If you have to sing."

Cory and Shawn exchanged looks. Cory shrugged and Shawn took a deep breath.

"This is the song that doesn't end..."

Jon groaned.

Audrey looked at him. "Had to say something didn't you?"

Jon gave her a helpless smile.

Audrey laughed.

Fifteen minutes later, the boys were still at it.

"Yes, it goes on and on my friend..."

"Okay, okay!" Jon had had enough of the eternal song. "If you stop, I'll stop at the next station."

The truck was instantly silent.

The next gas station they came upon was a large, bustling truck stop. Shawn was thrilled.

"I'll bet they have a huge gift shop," Cory remarked, more to himself than to anyone else.

Jon put the pickup into park and then turned around in his seat.

"What exactly is it with you and gas stations?"

Shawn looked as him as though he couldn't believe that Jon didn't get it.

"They're neat," was the only explanation he offered.

Jon glanced at Cory who regarded his friend with a perplexed looked.

"Wanna help me out here, Matthews?" he asked.

Cory nodded. "Sure." He gave Shawn a funny look "What is it with you and gas stations?"

Shawn understood the question when Cory asked it. "A couple of summers ago me and my dad toured all the gas stations around Philly. We checked out all the cool museums in them..."

The other three passengers in the vehicle exchanged confused looks.

"Museums in a gas station?" Audrey asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Shawn said. "You know the ones that have all kinds of foods on display. And those bottles behind the glass doors."

"You mean the convenience store?" Audrey still wasn't clear on what Shawn was talking about.

"Is that what they're calling museums nowadays?"

Audrey was completely baffled by the direction the conversation had taken. Jon sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Anyway," he urged trying to get pass the whole museum thing. "You and your dad went to the different gas stations and.?"

"Right," Shawn said, apparently unaware of the confusion he had caused. "That was the best vacation ever."

Cory glanced at Audrey who looked to Jon. Jon covered his mouth with his hand. He and Audrey exchanged looks that said "Uh-oh, a connection to his dad who still hasn't called. Maybe we should indulge him".

"Well," Jon said finally. "Let's go in and, uh, check out the museum."

Alan had been looking forward to this weekend for quite awhile. Cory was gone for the day at an amusement park and wouldn't be home until late. Eric was at the mall and had a date later in the evening. Morgan was at a friend's house until dinner. Amy was out shopping with some friends. He had the house all to himself with nothing to do. The only problem was... he had nothing to do.

He shuffled through the contents of the refrigerator and came across a steak buried beneath several TV dinners in the freezer. Today was as good as any for cooking outside. He might as well make use of the cool weather before it was too cold to barbeque.

Minutes after exiting the house he discovered the "gift" that was left on his grill by Cory and Shawn.

"What the-?" He jumped back in alarm after glancing in the bucket. Further inspection of the pail determined that the squirrel inside was no longer living.

"What in the world did they do this time?" Alan muttered aloud. Gingerly, he picked up the bucket, wondering what had possessed the boys, for he had no doubt that the culprits were anyone other than Cory and Shawn, to do such a thing. Alan knew they had not killed the animals themselves, but rather found it, probably by scouring a neighbor's yard. But why they had left it on the grill was beyond him. Perhaps it was better that he didn't understand.

Unable to decide what to do with the dead creature, he scanned the yard for a discreet burial spot. His gaze fell on the rose bushes at the far end of the yard. Alan hoped that burying them behind the bushes would prevent any of the kids from accidentally uncovering it.

Well, at least it'll make good fertilizer, he thought morbidly. Poor animal. I wonder what did it in?

Cory was thrilled to be at Six Flags, but not so enamored with the thrill rides that Shawn wanted him to go on.

"I thought these rides didn't bother you anymore," Jon said as they stood in line for the Batman. "After the huge one you and Feeny went on, I wouldn't think that this little one would scare you."

Cory swung his arms back and forth, smacking the fist of one hand together with the palm of the other. "Yeah, well, after riding that big one, I no longer feel the need to prove myself by riding the small ones," he gulped as he stared up at the roller coaster. "Besides," he went on. "I think someone ought to keep Miss Andrews company while she waits for you guys."

Shawn laughed. "She's going, Cor."

Cory stared at the student teacher in surprise. "Really?"

Audrey nodded in confirmation. "Yeah. I kinda like these rides." She turned to Jon. "Don't you?"

He shook his head adamantly. "No. Which is why I'm waiting here for you."

Cory seemed relieved to know that he wasn't the only in their group who had no intention of going on the roller coasters.

Audrey pushed out her bottom lip in a mock pout. "Will you go on the Dragon Fly with me then?"

"Sur-" Jon stopped short of committing himself. "Wait. Is that the one where they drop you from a really high point and you swing on the stretcher thing?"

Audrey nodded.

"Are you crazy? There's no way I'm going."

"C'mon, Cor," Shawn pleaded. "Would you at least do that. It's not a roller coaster."

Cory pinched his brow together. "Shawn, that's up, like, really high off the ground."

"So?"

"You remember that movie with James Stewart we watched last year in English? You know Vertigo?"

"Yeah."

"Watching that movie made me dizzy and sick. I'm sticking with Mr. Turner on this."

Despite taking such a stand, Cory somehow found himself being strapped into a seat next to Shawn on the Batman. A sense of dread and desperation came over him. He hoped there was a trash can nearby when they got off of the ride. He had the unpleasant feeling he was going to need it.

After ride was over, Cory stumbled woozily over to Jon. Shawn was riding an adrenaline high and Audrey didn't seem too impressed with the roller coaster trip.

Jon and Audrey let the boys lead the way through the park, stopping wherever they wanted. It was a perfect autumn day; the sun was out and shining brightly, the air was cool and crisp. Audrey took Jon's arm as they followed Cory and Shawn to the rock-climbing wall.

At the top of the wall the boys had their pictures taken by Audrey. Shawn hung onto to the wall with one hand and Cory pretended to be falling off. As they climbed back down, something not far beyond the rock-climbing wall caught Audrey's eye.

"Oh, we have to do that!" she squealed in delight, pointing at a simulated wood structure.

"What is it?" Jon asked, peering in the direction she was pointing.

"It's the Olde Tyme photo booth. It's the coolest thing here."

"Oh, yeah," he said. "Those pictures are pretty cool."

"Uh-huh." Audrey's eyes shone with excitement.

The boys joined them and caught Audrey's enthusiasm for the unusual pictures.

"Race ya there," Shawn told Cory.

A grin spread over Cory's face. "You're on."

Without waiting for an official start, Shawn took off with Cory at his heels.

The phone rang for the fourth time without being answered. With a sigh, George replaced the receiver on the base. He had been trying to reach Audrey for the last hour. The professor at the New York City University who oversaw her studies was coming to town on Monday. There were things that George needed to go over with the girl before the conference that was to include himself and Jonathan. She needed to be briefed before Monday and it was frustrating not to be able to get a hold of her.

George picked up the phone again. This time he called her cell phone. Surely she would answer that. No such luck, however; he only received her voice mail. Either her phone was turned off or she didn't have it with her.

George drummed his fingers against the table. It was imperative that he get a hold of her. He wondered who might possibly know where she was.

Jonathan, of course, he remembered suddenly.

The thought was unsettling for some reason. Despite having been repeatedly reassured by Jonathan that there was nothing going on between him and Audrey, George couldn't shake the feeling that something could. He tried to discourage such a thing as much as possible. It was his experience that inter-colleague romance led to nothing but trouble. At least the split between Jonathan and Katherine had been amicable or so it seemed- that was something to be grateful for. George tapped his index finger against his mouth. Now that he thought of it, he had heard nothing from either Jon or Katherine about the breakup, though it was apparent they were no longer together.

All the more reason to be concerned about the direction the relationship with Audrey could go, he thought petulantly.

It wasn't that he disliked either of them. On the contrary, George felt rather protective of both them and didn't want to see either hurt. And, he had to concede, they would be a well-matched pair. Unfortunately, the age difference between them was too great. Problems they couldn't foresee would present themselves if the relationship went beyond professionalism and friendship. It was better that such a relationship never get started for the well being of both parties. And he should know- he was once in the very situation. And it did not end well.

Alan was coming out of the garage with a shovel when a second dead squirrel caught his attention. It was lying stiffly by the edge of the driveway.

This is just bizarre, Alan thought he walked over to inspect it. Carefully, he slid the shovel under the animal and carried it to the backyard, depositing it next to the other one.

Must have gotten into rat poison or something that someone threw out, Alan decided as he dug a shallow grave. He scooped up the two rodents and dropped them into the hole. He covered them in the rich earth of the flowerbed, hoping that they would decay before Amy tended to the roses again. He would hate for her to find them.

Brushing the soil on his hands off on his jeans, Alan whistled a cheerful tune despite having become a squirrel undertaker. He returned the shovel to its place on the garage wall over the wheelbarrow. He decided to check the mail before going back inside. On his way back to the house, he saw the third squirrel on the front porch.

Audrey was just a bit uncomfortable in her Olde Tyme photo costume. It was a red flapper's dress from the 1920's with black fringe that swayed and swished with her every move. The bodice was slightly large in the hips and the skirt was short. A little too short for her taste.

She adjusted the feathered headband she had been given as an accessory around her head. She felt incredibly self-conscious being so exposed. She was positive that all her flaws were accentuated in the costume and she did not want to step out of the changing room.

Audrey could hear Shawn and Cory laughing and hollering over their outfits. Hesitantly, she stuck a foot outside of the stall and quickly jerked it back. It was cold without her socks. With a burst of bravado, she pulled back the curtain and stepped into the main photo area. She was greeted by a wolf whistle.

Whirling around on her heel, she saw Jon grinning at her. She shook her head and laughed, hiding her crimson cheeks behind her hair as much as the headband would allow.

Jon looked every bit the part of a '20's gangster. He wore a black pinstriped zoot suit with a black shirt and wide white tie. For props, he had been given an old-fashion machine gun made out of wood, a sack of fake money, and a plastic cigar. With a white banded, black fedora hat cocked smartly on his head, he looked as though he stepped out of a Dick Tracy comic. The only thing broke that illusion was his bare feet.

"Hey, check out Miss Andrews," Cory said. He and Shawn were also smiling appreciatively at her.

Audrey couldn't help but laugh when she saw them as she understood they were teasing each other earlier.

Neither quite pulled off the gangster look. Cory's outfit was far too large. With sleeves that hung way below his wrists, a collar that was too big around, and pant cuffs that lay in fold about his ankles, he looked like a five-year-old who had tried on his father's suit. Shawn didn't look much better. While the jacket and shirt fit him better, he had to hold the waist of the pants up with one hand. He also had to keep pushing the hat back as it repeatedly slid over his eyes.

The photographer obviously enjoyed his job. He handed Audrey a black and red feather boa and directed them over to the "getaway" car- the front half of a black '20's Ford prop.

"All right then," the photographer name Sid said. He pulled a small stool over and told Jon to sit down. Sid stood back an assessed his canvas. "Okay, Miss," he said to Audrey. "Let's have you sit on his lap."

At this Cory and Shawn exchanged looks, but said nothing.

Audrey gave her skirt a firm down before taking her place. Sid further posed the two, instructed Jon to put one arm around her waist and hold the gun in his free hand. He had Audrey put her arm around Jon's neck and hold a wad of cash in her hand. Sid gave her a small handgun to hold in the other hand and hold it against her knee. Audrey and Jon could barely keep from laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

Cory and Shawn were added to the picture next.

"Okay, Sly," Sid said to Shawn. "You stand next to yer mom."

Shawn did as he was told and didn't bother to correct the photographer.

Audrey wasn't sure if she should be insulted or not. Did she really look old enough to be the mother of a teenager?

Shawn stood by her with a machine gun across his chest, a bag of money in hand, and a hat that once again slid down over his eyes. Cory was on the other side next to Jon with a cigar between his teeth and a pained expression on his face. The cigar tasted gross.

Sid took several shots and posed them all over again, occasionally calling out directions like "Okay, you just robbed a bank- give me yer gruffest look"; "Look real bad, Red- you're a ganstas girl." He took several group pictures, ones of Cory and Shawn, and Jon and Audrey.

After changing back into their regular clothes, they were able to view all of the photos via computer and choose their favorites. One in particular caused quite a laugh. Cory's attempt to look mean was comical. His chin was thrust out and his eyes were squinted almost shut. He looked like he was trying to stop a sneeze. At the instant the picture was snapped, Shawn had looked over at him and started to laugh.

As the little group left the booth with extra complimentary shots from Sid who had fun shooting them, Shawn looked over the pictures. Undoubtedly, his favorite was the one of only Jon and Audrey. An idea began to form in the back of his mind. He smiled and slid the photograph back into its envelope.

Alan was puttering around the house looking for something to do when the doorbell rang. He jogged down the stairs and into the living room.

He opened the front door and was greeted by an unhappy looking man about twice his size. The man appeared to be in his late forties with thinning salt and pepper hair that was parted a few inches above his right ear. His small eyes glared daggers at Alan. His nose was large and hooked and his jaw protruded out slightly as the result of an underbite. His ample, t- shirt clad gut hung over ill-fitting khaki shorts. Black socks were pulled staunchly up to his deeply tanned knees and worn sandals snugly clung to his large feet.

Alan had never seen the man before.

"Y-y-yes?" He asked expectantly, trying to keep the intimidation he felt out of his voice. "Can I help you?"

"You live here?" the man snarled. His breath reeked of cigarettes and his teeth were stained with the juice of chewing tobacco.

Was that a rhetorical question? Alan wondered to himself.

"Yes, I do," he replied. He briefly wondered if the guy could be a relative a Shawn's. He doubted it; none of Shawn's relatives ever tried to reached him when he wasn't living in the trailer park.

"Listen," the man exhaled heavily. "I'm Tony Koposki. Me and my wife just moved in next door."

Alan raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement. He vaguely recalled a moving van in the neighborhood earlier in the week. "Nice to meet you," he returned genially, trying to decide what to make of the hulking man before him. "I'm Alan Matthews."

Tony squinted at Alan's extended hand and ignored it.

"I want you to know that we don't appreciate you poisoning the squirrels!"

Alan stare flabbergasted at the man. "Wh-?" he sputtered.

"You heard me." Tony thrust a fat finger in Alan's face. "Muriel saw you burying those squirrels and she also found four dead ones in our yard. Whatever you're doin' to off 'em better stop!"

Tony was gone by the time a bewildered Alan was finally able to choke out, "Excuse me!"

It was nearly four-thirty in the afternoon and George had yet to get a hold of either Jonathan or Audrey. He was becoming concerned by both being unreachable. George stared absently at the stack of papers on his desk. He contemplated going next door and speaking with Alan Matthews. Perhaps Shawn was at the Matthews' and might at least know where his caretaker was. He decided against it however; had Shawn been over, he surely would have heard the boys rough-housing about.

George reached for the phone for the umpteenth time.

The phone rang several times before it was picked up.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end of the line sounded groggy and tired.

"Hello, Eli," George said merrily. "How are you this afternoon?"

Eli Williams muttered something unintelligible. "Fine," he said unenthusiastically.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Nah," he replied unpersuasively. "I like being woken up from a good dream."

"Well, then," the principal chirped. "I won't keep you from dreamland very long."

"Whatcha need, George?"

"I've been trying to get in touch with Miss Andrews without success. I thought Jonathan might know where she is, but I've been unable to reach him as well. I thought perhaps you might know where he was."

"Uh-h-h," There was a pause as Eli rubbed his eyes. He thought for a moment. "Yeah, um, Jon's with Audrey," he said finally, if not a little uncertainly. "Yeah, that's right. They took Hunter and Matthews somewhere. Amusement park, I think. I don't really know."

There was a short silence, before George spoke again. "I see." The bright tone in his voice had evaporated. "Well, thank you very much, Mr. Williams. I'm sorry to have disturbed you."

Setting the phone down, George frowned in distress. He pushed his chair away from the desk and stood up. He needed to get out of the house and think. There were so many things not appropriate about this situation.

When he returned from his walk, George had very few answers to his questions. The one thing he was most concerned about was the upcoming trip to New York City. He did not think it was wise to allow them both to chaperone. Regretfully, Audrey was going to have to remain behind