Chapter 3

<p>Shot after shot. <br/>    Endless hits of marijuana.<br/>    An ecstasy pill in between.<br/>    The rolling sensation as I sucked in a bong hit lit by Lena, who cheered me on to clear the bowl in one go. I coughed and sputtered, making them both crack up at my neophyte execution. <br/>    I didn't know this was normal at senior parties. Ryan had a pharmacy in his backpack that sat atop the coffee table in front of the couch that Lena held me on and stroked my hair foolishly. Euphoria overtook my wanting to feel anything but positive vibrations as I stumbled on my words and made a fool of myself. The three of us laughing at the simplest sentences that weren't meant to be funny caused me to giggle until my stomach hurt.<br/>    I went into the restroom to try to get a grip on myself, as I couldn't handle laughing any longer and Lena had told me my eyeliner needed a touch up. Slipping me some makeup wipes, she pointed me to the bathroom and told me to take my time and that they would both wait for me to finish before they dropped the next hit of E. I assumed that was a courtesy rule amongst partygoers. <br/>    I stared at myself in the mirror, observing my eyeliner that had began to run down my cheekbone. The ecstasy had made me laugh too hard I cried for a few seconds. I guessed when I had wiped my tears I smudged the kohl liner a tad too much. <br/>    In the mirror, my eyes looked cartoony and foolish. Playful. I chewed my inner cheek as I focused on applying my new layer of eyeliner after I removed the previous cluster of smeared makeup. I made sure I looked my very best. <br/>    Stumbling out of the restroom drunkenly, I headed back to the couch to see Lena look over in my direction with a serious look in her eyes. I could have sworn I heard her mutter the word "Fuck". <br/>    This only provoked me to hurry over.<br/>    "What's going on?" I interrogated. <br/>    Lena put a hand over her forehead ashamedly. Ryan, on the other hand, did something different. Something taboo. He pulled out a fucking syringe from his arm and placed his finger overtop of the injection site. He raised his arm up and laid back, smiling ear to ear and repeatedly saying, "She's home, she's home..." as he closed his eyes in what looked to be pure bliss. <br/>    Whatever he was having, I instantly wanted it. <br/>    "Courtney, you should go." Lena said in an apologetic tone that I did not understand. <br/>    "Why?"<br/>    "That's heroin." <br/>    It wasn't like I had no idea what people shoved into their arms. I had been to sixth grade health class. I also had bipolar disorder. I simply did not care about my health in moments I wanted to feel the forbidden thrills of life. And this was one of them.<br/>    "I want to try it."<br/>    Lena scowled. Her face changed as soon as Ryan interacted with her, a gesture I didn't see since I was not facing him. Her scowl quickly morphed into a placid expression that kind of threw me off guard. I turned to Ryan who was smirking at a spoon that he dumped brown powder onto. <br/>    I watched him. I watched him prepare the shot, my eyes fixed on the drug changing into a liquid form as it came into contact with the water he squirted out through the syringe. A cold hand met my forearm. I met Lena's penetrating, solemn gaze. She really knew how to look cold when she wanted to. <br/>    "I no longer care about you anymore if you do this." She said gravely. "I'm only letting you because it's better here than surrounded by a group of assholes." <br/>    Her voice, full of disappointment, nearly broke my heart. I felt bad for myself. As immature as it was to admit, being humiliated by Lena felt worse than deciding to get high on heroin out of manic impulse. <br/>    Beside me, Ryan flicked the needle around with his finger. He attentively focussed on the top of the syringe with his dark eyes. When our gazes met, he gave me a crooked smirk. "Just making sure I don't kill you."<br/>    I laughed out loud. <br/>    Lena stood up from the couch and groaned. "Hurry up," she commanded. "She wasn't even supposed to do this." Her leather low ride pants shone in the light, as did her bellybutton piercing. Her dreadlocks reached her butt, which Ryan spanked playfully as she strode by him impatiently.<br/>    For a second, I assumed they planned this out beforehand. But it was most likely just my overactive imagination and possible mania causing me to think like a lunatic. I had known Lena through my sister, who basically grandmothered the next group of cheerleaders that Lena was part of. She often held seminars for leadership and how to win competitions at our house on the weekends, despite being in college. Personally, I believe she did it for community service hours; mentoring a group of self-absorbed girls into succeeding at outshining each other. With that, it was hard to distrust someone like<br/>Lena Davis who I'd always known to be genuine. She was just simply upset I was risking my life. <br/>    I watched Ryan approach me. He clasped his hand around my forearm and rubbed it gently.<br/>    "You ready?" <br/>    I shifted in my seat and cleared my throat. <br/>    "Yes," my voice nearly shook as the fear settled in. If I overdosed, there was no going back. What were they going to do if I flopped onto the floor unable to handle my opiates? <br/>    "Keep your arm straight." He directed. Positioning the needle in his hand, he pointed it towards my skin. "Flex." <br/>    I flexed with great pressure. I saw the blue vein he was looking for. He poked me fast. I felt no pain. As soon as he began pressing down on the plunger, I gritted my teeth and said a prayer. The golden liquid went straight in. About three quarters of the way into the hit entering my vein, I started to feel my jaw relax. A warmth rose inside of me from my chest that became fuzzier and fuzzier by the second. I slowly fell into Ryan's lap, who he had sat down and pulled the rubber band off my arm, telling me to raise it. I raised it.<br/>    The intense high hit me all at once and it was the greatest thing I had ever felt in my life. The most beautiful thing. Something I instantly understood why Lena had become so crossed with me over it. <br/>    I turned to Lena. "I'm sorry." <br/>    She shook her head and turned away from me. As I tried to add to what I was trying to communicate to her, I felt lips against my ear and a hand gently fondling my breast.<br/>    "What are you doing?" I pushed Ryan off of me, meeting the dangerous look in his dark eyes.<br/>    "Relax." He said. "I did you a favour, now sit still–"<br/>    "Ryan." Lena stopped him. <br/>    As the drug took over my conscience, I gazed at how beautiful Lena was. I stared at her cheekbones. Her glossy lips. The cold look in her eyes that matched her stern expression. She was protecting me. And nothing attracted me more to her than her display of love. That, or it was the H driving my mind to such stipulation. <br/>    Suddenly, I felt my eyelids get heavy. I meditated to my crush on Lena Davis and I hugged my body and let my head slump forward. The silent kind lullaby of heroin sung me to sleep in the form of the relieving body sensations. <br/><br/>—<br/><br/>    I opened my eyes to Lena holding me again. She stroked my hair. Kissed me on the lips. I tasted the mint she recently popped in her mouth along with her bubblegum chapstick. My velvet black skirt was now off. Ryan's head was between my thighs. He ate me out fervently as Lena spread the corners of my mouth with her thumbs and stretched it gently. Her tongue met mine.<br/>    I moaned at the tingling I felt down there as Ryan gently flicked his tongue repeatedly, Lena holding my neck to make sure I was their submissive. I was restrained as he tickled me with the works of his devoted mouth, edging me closer to my orgasm.<br/>    I whimpered. As I came, I saw his tan skinned hand holding mine, squeezing it. I looked down only to see his raven hair visible while he finished me off. As his finishing touch, he shook his head rapidly, causing my legs to shudder. I moaned louder.<br/>    "Hush," he said faintly. His voice relaxed my muscles, but not my excitement. Had I not been a lesbian, I would have fallen in love. <br/><br/>—<br/><br/>    I soon came to realize they were satanists pulling a sex ritual on me. I only knew this because Lena never spoke to me again. I only understood this as I had spent the last summer researching satanism, witchcraft and ritualistic practices under the psychotic impression my sister used it to get into the Ivy League schools she attended. These practices always involved massive drugging to sacrifice something valuable in return for riches. They had me when I was vulnerable, my mania triggered by a series of drugs. <br/>    I wasn't hung up on the victimization. Lena was just a selfish sixteen year old at the end of the day, most likely trying to maintain her beauty through invasive spiritual practices. And Ryan was just a creepy junkie who enjoyed doing drugs and sleeping with girls six years younger than him; partially why I couldn't be attracted to men was because they weren't pure-hearted nurturers like females were. They were lost fools until the ages of sixty. The way Lena's guarded demeanour dawned on her personality seemed add layers to her. Guys couldn't do that without looking inferior. <br/>    I couldn't even stay mad. I understood what it was like to long for power over something you couldn't change.<br/>    With that, I was lucky they went on to have no further control over me or my energy. Perhaps it was the fact that I wasn't a virgin that protected me from having my innocence stripped away to a much higher extent. This was a romp, one I never forgot. One that shaped me for the rest of my relationships.</p>