95. Northern Lights

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95. Northern Lights

~ The couples that are meant to be are the ones who go through everything that's designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger ~

In addition to feeling betrayed, there were several other feelings seething inside of Erin when she watched her pregnant sister-in-law in their garden. It was August 19th and they'd returned from Wisconsin a little over a week ago and today they were celebrating Rylie's 22nd birthday and her highschool diploma with a huge barbeque in the big backyard of their house. Nobody other than Jay, Erin, Robert and Maggie, who was Natalie's best friend and made sure she only got patients that weren't a jeopardy for her unborn child, did yet know about the pregnancy as they'd only told their families last weekend. And Natalie didn't even show yet but the thought alone that there was a baby growing under her heart, that her baby bump would soon grow whilst Erin's had never grown past these 11 weeks was enough to mess with her state of mind and she couldn't hold back the feelings of anger, resentment and jealousy from surfacing. Which wasn't fair. But life was never fair. Not to her anyway.

If life was in fact fair, she would now be around 27 weeks pregnant, her hand caressing her round stomach all the time as the baby in there kicked up a storm. But she wasn't pregnant, never would be again. And her sister-in-law was. And that right there was the problem, the reason for the scarily cold expression on her face, for all the bitterness and resentment breaking through, making her feel like the worst person in the entire world.

″Erin,″ Luke startled her from her daze by calling her name and tugging on her shirt.

″What's up?″ she asked, turning her gaze away from Natalie to look down at him.

″Are you mad?″ he asked bluntly.

″Uhm...no,″ she lied. ″I'm not. Why should I?″

″Because you only look like this when you're mad,″ he answered casually. She actually had to give the 5-year-old kudos for figuring her out that well and reading her gaze like an open book.

″I'm not mad, okay Lukey,″ she forced a smile and ran her fingers through his blonde hair, that was already falling in his face. ″You could need a haircut, buddy.″

″Noooo,″ Luke shook his head. ″I like it,″ he grinned and ran his hands through his hair as well to make it even messier. ″Can we now do the surprise for mommy?″ he changed the topic.

The surprise, or at least the one part of it that Luke knew about, was a huge cake, a real masterpiece, that Kim and Erin and Luke – or rather chef Kim with Erin's assistance and Luke just being Luke - had baked together yesterday. This was the first time that someone really made an effort to celebrate Rylie's birthday and they all wanted it to be something super special, something she would remember forever.

″Yeah, I guess it's time now,″ she said with another forced smile. ″Can you go and get Kim and we meet in the kitchen?″

″Yaah,″ Luke nodded eagerly and turned around on his heels to run to Kim, who was standing in a group with her fiancé, Kevin and Will.

The three of them all gathered in the kitchen to make sure that their masterpiece was still a masterpiece – it was a chocolate-banana-cake with icing, Happy Birthday Rylie written on top, along with any kind of embellishments that had to do with her work, like a red cross, the medical sign and the line of a heartbeat – and then enlightened some sparklers and candles before they proudly carried it outside together, some awww's and owww's escaping from their guests lips when they stepped out on the patio with this very special cake. And without that Erin or Jay had given them any instructions beforehand, they all started to sing happy birthday, which let tears spring into Rylie's eyes.

″Oh my god, guys,″ Rylie sobbed afterwards, wiping the tears away with her hands. ″I don't even know what to say,″ she whispered, her voice barely there as she was completely overwhelmed by all the love she was receiving from all the people who were only there for her today, to celebrate her birthday: her family.

″You don't have to say anything,″ Erin smiled. ″Happiest of birthdays, Ry,″ she said and wrapped her arms around the blonde girl.

″This is the happiest birthday for sure,″ Rylie whispered into her ear. ″Thank you so much.″

″Mommy, mommy, look at the cake we made,″ Luke exclaimed impatiently, making sure that not too much time was being wasted with hugs.

″Of course I do,″ Rylie chuckled and Luke pulled her to the patio table, where they'd put down the cake.

″Wow, this is amazing,″ she smiled even brighter than before, her eyes roaming this wonderful and perfect cake. After 22 years, it was in fact the first time someone's made the effort to bake her a cake. Though her brother Ty had at least always tried to make this day special by buying some donuts since he'd been scared to burn the apartment down with trying to bake something.

″I made the cake,″ Luke said all proud.

″You did?″ Rylie laughed the pain about her brother not being here to celebrate with them away.

″Yeah,″ Luke nodded eagerly. ″And Kim and Erin helped me.″

″Well, at least we got some of the credits, huh?″ Kim murmured to Erin as they both couldn't help but grin by Luke's enthusiasm.

″He always tried the batter and the icing, which was quite an important job,″ Erin chuckled slightly.

″Sure,″ Kim laughed. ″Most important job of all of them.″

″Do you want to blow out the candles and make a wish?″ Luke asked as excited as if it was his birthday.

″Definitely,″ Rylie smiled and of course her son was allowed to help her with blowing out the candles.

More hugs followed, everyone wishing her the best for her new year of life and all the upcoming challenges with handling work, college and being a mom. Everyone offered help whenever she needed them, telling her that she just had to ask and shouldn't be shy with asking for help. Once everyone had hugged her, it was Jay who rose to speak and tell Rylie about her present, which was the second, much bigger part of the surprise, the one Luke had no clue about either.

″Well Rylie, there's more,″ he smiled warmly at the young girl. ″We all thought about what we could give you, what would make you happy and in the end we came up with something we think is perfect. We all chipped in for your birthday and your highschool diploma...and well, here you go,″ he said and showed her a yellow envelope. ″Can you give that to Rylie, Em?″ Jay asked his daughter, who he was carrying on his hip.

″Me can,″ Emilia answered and reached for the envelope. Jay let her down on the floor so she could carry it to Rylie, and the one-and-a-half year old was the nicest girl today, not trying to bunk off with the envelope but doing what Jay'd told her.

″Thank you, little lady,″ Rylie smiled, taking the envelope from Emilia's hands and opening it quickly.

It only took a couple of seconds for her eyes to widen and her jaw to drop which was kind of the reaction everyone had expected. ″You can't be serious,″ she murmured, her eyes flying over the birthday card once more. ″I...I can't take that.″

″You can,″ Maggie said, joining the young girl and wrapping her arm around her shoulder. ″You totally can.″

″No,″ she shook her head. ″This is too much.″

″It's not,″ Erin smiled, wrapping her arm around her shoulder from the other side. ″We wanted your birthday present to be something special, so don't you dare to tell us you can't take it.″

″Guys,″ she breathed out, tears looming in her eyes again. ″You're crazy. You're the craziest, best people. Thank you so much.″

″What is it, mommy?″ Luke asked curiously and it was obvious that he didn't understand how a simple piece of paper could be such an awesome present when for him the biggest presents were usually the best.

″Well Lukey,″ she said and knelt down in front of him. ″You and I, we'll go to Disneyland next week.″

″We go to Disneyland?″ he echoed, his facial expression turning just as stunned as his mother's had been until a couple of seconds ago.

″Yes, we'll fly to Orlando on Wednesday and fly back on Saturday,″ Rylie smiled brightly.

″We're going to Disneyland! We're going to Disneyland! We're going to Disneyland,″ Luke danced and it was the most adorable thing to witness this real and rare kind of excitement that too often only children had. ″We'll meet Olaf and Pluto and Mickey Mouse. Right?″

″Yeah,″ Rylie nodded and everyone could see how she still couldn't believe it. ″We'll meet them all.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

While everyone was still outside, the children playing with the massive amount of toys that all belonged to Emmy, and the adults chatting, Hank and Jay already getting the barbeque ready, Erin retreated inside the house and into the kitchen under the pretext of already starting to prepare some things for later. Mainly though, she just wanted to be alone. She's tried her best to put on her brave face all day, just like she'd done so often lately, but for some reason she couldn't do this for so much longer and rather felt like breaking. And since she didn't want to ruin this day for Rylie, the best solution was to distance herself from all the people who were there to celebrate the girl that's become a beloved family member.

″Hey.″ She instantly froze when she heard the voice behind her, the cucumber in front of her not longer being cut as her hand stopped moving. She'd just wanted to be alone and now the one person she absolutely couldn't face because only seeing her hurt in every fiber of her body, was standing right behind her, just as if she wasn't being tortured enough already.

″Uhm, hey,″ Erin said back after the inital shock but abstained from turning around. Slowly, her hand found its ability to move again and the knife cut forcefully through the cucumber, cutting it into the smallest pieces.

″Erin,″ Natalie said softly and suddenly she was standing next to her. Which made it all just a hundred times worse because it made Erin feel like she was caught in a situation she couldn't get out of without doing any damage.

She just wanted to disappear, wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole but it didn't do her the favor.

″What do you want?″ she asked, not even trying to hide the bugged and snappish undertone in her voice. ″Because I don't need help.″

″I'm not here to offer help,″ Natlie answered all calm. ″It's just...″ she said and inhaled a deep breath. ″You've been avoiding me and your glance has been saying it all...but I just want you to know that...,″ she rambled, ″I know how you feel, Erin.″

At this, she set her knife aside and it took a lot of self-control not to slam it on the counter with a force that could split the granite top in two. ″No you don't,″ she said dryly, snappishly and a sardonic laughter escaped her lips as she shook her head and shot her sister-in-law an almost scary glance that could put her more than just six feet under.

Natalie was completely unimpressed by her attitude and behavior and when she spoke again, her voice was still all calm and gentle and understanding. And Erin hated every bit about that.

″There's this bitterness inside of you. Resentment. Anger. Jealousy. Hate. Sadness.″

It caught her off-guard. As it was definitely not what she'd expected. And for a moment, she just stared at her in disbelief, wondering how the dark-haired woman in front of her knew exactly which feelings were invading her mercilessly. ″How do you know?″ she whispered hoarsely, trying to swallow the knot in her throat, nothing of her attitude left out of a sudden.

″When Jeff died and I was pregnant, I felt the same,″ Natalie explained and inhaled a deep breath. ″Suddenly everywhere I went, I saw pregnant women. But none of them were alone. They were grocery shopping, the man pushing the cart. They were walking in front of me, holding hands. All the time I seemed to see men caressing the baby bump of their wives out in public like they were haunting me. No matter where I looked, they were always there, jumping right into my face,″ she said and her voice was low and full of emotions now. ″Those happy couples, expecting a child. Together. And then there was me. Alone against the world when all I wanted was sharing these moments with my partner. It felt like a stab in the heart every damn time and it made me feel like I'm falling and will never stop. I wanted to hit them with something or tell them they should go the fuck away and do their PDA somewhere else,″ she told her and swallowed hardly as she relived this time in her life.

″And I tell you something Erin. It's okay they feel like this. Those feelings aren't famous and they aren't nice. But they are part of the process and there's nothing we can do against them,″ Natalie said softly. ″I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through and how you feel when I'm around. And it's okay when you rather want to avoid me for a while in favor to protect yourself.″

Only thanks to her steel resolution she didn't start to cry. And she didn't feel like crying because of Natalie's words. At least not only. She wanted to cry because suddenly she realized that she was the worst possible person, because she was ashamed of who she's become. And because there was nothing she could do against it. Maybe she would stay this bitter person, that could never be happy about a friend's or family member's pregnancy, for the rest of her life.

However, she didn't admit anything of this, or speak it out loud. She kept it to herself and therefore only commented Natalie's monologue with the words: ″But you could eventually find a new partner and you can now experience all of that with him. I can't just simply have another child.″

There were a few people who knew about Erin's diagnosis and this 15% chance of the fetus surviving the first trimester. Natalie was one of them. Will, Hank, Kim, Rylie and the unit belonged to these people as well. But that was it. No one else knew about the circumstance why Emilia would stay an only child.

″Just because you can't have a baby doesn't mean you can't have a baby,″ Natalie said. ″There are other ways. And when you and Jay decide that you want to walk a different road that leads you to a second child I'm sure you'll find a way. I mean, only look at Luke. You fostered him for months. Why not doing it again but going one step further?″

″That's not the same,″ Erin noticed bitterly.

″It never is,″ Natalie nodded. ″So don't assume it's same for me now either, Erin.″

Those were the words she was being left alone with. And only then her steel resolution fell apart and she let the tears fall.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay used the moment when his father-in-law was standing at the barbeque all alone, taking care of steaks, sausages, hamburgers and baked potatoes. There was something he needed to do and because Hank was not only his father-in-law but also his boss, he needed his permission, as stupid as it might sounded. And the best way to approach him was by bringing him a glass of scotch. Every conversation was easier with some scotch.

″Here,″ Jay said as he joined him, offering him one of the two glasses.

″Thank you,″ Hank answered after frowning shortly and took the glass he was being offered. ″Cheers,″ he said and raised his glass to clink it with Jay's.

″Cheers,″ Jay echoed and took a long gulp, the liquor burning down a throat in a way that probably wasn't healthy.

″How's Justin doing?″ he asked, his hands playing with the glass, his eyes focussing on the swirling liquid.

″He's still the same,″ Hank shrugged, not looking at Jay either as he turned the steaks to keep them from burning. ″He's stable, so they could do another surgery on his leg and they think they now only need to do one in a couple of weeks to remove the external fixators. They say he's lucky that he didn't lose his leg.″

″I know many that came back with a limb missing,″ Jay said quietly.

″Huh,″ Hank breathed out. ″You know Jay, in case he doesn't wake up anymore it doesn't matter what they did to save his leg.″

″His condition hasn't changed?″

″His eyes respond better to light than they did in the beginning but they still don't know how long it'll take until he wakes up. Or whether he will wake up completely,″ Hank answered and the amount of pain on his face was heartbreaking.

″Justin is a fighter. He will wake up,″ Jay said emphatically and brought the glass to his lips again.

″I don't know what I would do if he doesn't,″ Hank murmured quietly and took another long sip as well. Jay knew that he was still blaming himself for what had happened to Justin. Because all those years back, he'd been the one who sent Justin to join the Army. And now this decision, that he'd made to protect his son and bring him back on the right way, has come back to haunt him.

″But I can't change it now, I guess. I can't undo what's been done.″ Jay wasn't exactly sure whether Hank was talking with him or rather with himself. ″So how are you and Erin doing?″ he changed the topic, looking at the young detective for the first time.

It was the one question he struggled to answer these days though he was sure Hank could tell how they were doing. Probably everyone could tell because there wasn't much left from the couple they'd been until April. Their Wisconsin bubble had already started to get some small cracks on their last evening, when she'd pushed him away, and ever since they'd returned home and with reality catching up on them quickly, this bubble had gotten more and more, deeper cracks and it had bursted no later than when he'd had to tell her about Natalie's pregnancy. He'd literally seen Erin falling apart right in front of him.

″We're...struggling,″ Jay answered honestly, after a short moment of considering coming to the conclusion that there was no point in saying anything but the truth. ″And there's actually a favor I need.″

″What's going on?″ Hank asked, his expression stern and worried and his full attention on his son-in-law now.

″I thought with going to Wisconsin, I can fix her, heal her. At least as much that we can move on, move forward, you know...″ he started to explain. ″But no matter that we had a great time there, I had to accept that she needs more time. Which is okay. She went through so much shit in her life that she's at a point where she doesn't trust her own fate anymore, where she doesn't allow herself to relax because she's waiting for the next punch hitting her any second. And then when we came back...″ he breathed out, contemplaiting whether he should really tell him this when it weren't his news to break.

″Please keep this to yourself because I'm actually not allowed to tell anyone...,″ he rambled and ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes meeting Hank's expectant gaze. ″My brother and Natalie are expecting a baby in late February. And those news...they knocked her off her feet...and I...I stopped counting how many times I've seen her breaking down right in front of me in the last few months,″ he admitted quietly, his voice and eyes full of raw emotions. ″And I'm tired of having to watch her falling apart. I'm tired of not being able to help her properly. And I'm tired of feeling so helpless every minute of every day...″

There was another moment of silence as Jay inhaled a couple of deep breaths, as Hank just listened to the man, who was a shadow of his usual self as well, and patiently waited for learning about the favor.

″I tried to take her mind off with family adventures, like going to the waterpark or going to the zoo. I tried to heal her by taking her away from Chicago for almost two weeks but it was probably a place with too many beautiful, happy memories and she got reminded of certain things from before we lost the baby all the time. So I...uhm...I want to take her away from the US for a couple of days. Go to some place she's never been before. A place without any connections or memories. Just something new and far away from everything here. And I don't know whether it'll work or whether it's a stupid idea but it's worth a try and I would do anything for her and...-″

″Jay,″ Hank smiled faintly, placing his hand on Jay's shoulder before he would choke on his own waterfall of words. ″Do whatever you need to do to bring Erin back. You are the only one who can do that and you can be sure that I'll have your back.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″You remember how we wanted to go on a honeymoon-like vacation every year?″ Jay asked Erin as they sat in the 300 and observed the house of a suspect. It was September, his 34th birthday only a week away. The last three weeks since celebrating Rylie's birthday had been a blur. Hank had celebrated his birthday with the unit, hosting one of the famous Voight-barbeques although Justin's condition was still uncertain and he actually didn't feel much like celebrating, and before Luke had started kindergarten a week ago, he and his mom had spent the most awesome days in Disneyland. Meanwhile, Erin and Jay had lived their life yet, they hadn't lived. Emilia, their happy little sunshine, and work, with the crime rate rising simultaneously with the humidity level in the city, had given them enough distraction, enough to do so they hadn't had a chance to talk about their problems. Or the fact that Erin has been distancing herself again, including building up walls and making sure he didn't come too close. It was like they were caught in one never-ending doom loop that they couldn't escape from and it was wearing them both out. And as if all of this hasn't been enough already, Denny, Allie's dad, had passed away two weeks ago, leaving Jay in a state of heartbreak no matter that he'd been there in July to say goodbye.

″Uhm...yeah,″ she nodded slowly, her gaze still focussed on the house so they wouldn't miss their suspect leaving it. ″Why?″

″I thought it's time to put this plan into action,″ he shrugged casually and suddenly he had all the attention. To tell her expression wasn't impressed or excited was an understatement. But he brushed it off with a sweet smile accompanied by a wink. It wasn't like he hasn't expected this.

″Why would we go on a honeymoon-like vacation now?″ she asked the obvious. They were as far away from being a honeymoon-like couple as the Earth was from Jupiter or any other planet.

″Why not?″ he asked back lightly. He had enough of them struggling. So he had a plan. And he would put this plan into action no matter what. Of course he couldn't force her to come. But he hasn't considered the possibility of her not coming at all, so he would have to convince her somehow because kidnapping her wasn't an option. Or was it? Probably at least considerable, he thought.

″Because I neither feel like honeymoon nor vacation. And we only came back from Wisconsin about a month ago, so there's no way we can go on vacation again,″ she argued.

″Look Er,″ he said softly, placing his hand atop hers, the tips of his fingers caressing her skin. At least he was still allowed to do that. ″I think we could really need some time just for ourselves. You and me and some place we've both never been before. And don't worry that we can't go again. I asked Hank weeks ago and he's fine with it.″

″Weeks ago?″ she echoed skeptically. ″When exactly do you want to go?″

″Our plane takes off Thursday afternoon,″ he answered like it wasn't a big deal.

″What?!″ she exclaimed in disbelief, her voice rising dangerously. ″How can you just book a trip without telling me about it?!″

″I tell you now,″ Jay said, still being all calm despite her attitude. ″If I had told you about this weeks ago, you would just have said that you don't want to go. So it might not have been nice but I figured it's better to present you with a fait accompli,″ he explained and squeezed her hand as his voice turned into a whisper. ″Give this a chance, Erin. Please.″

″Jay.″ The anger was still evident in her voice but decreasing by his soft, pleading tone. ″You can't just do this and think it'll all work out!″ she said, inhaling deeply to keep her voice under control. ″And even if I said yes to this stupid plan, what about Emmy? We have a kid, Jay, we can't just simply leave because you feel like going on some crazy adventure.″

″Do you really think I would book us into some flights if I hadn't it all figured out?″ he asked back, raising his eyebrows at her and his ocean blue eyes were filled with softness and an overwhelming amount of love that made her knees weak every single time.

Touché.

Chances were really really really slim that Jay would decide something like this percipitately. Like non-existent slim. Basically impossible.

″Carol is on vacation,″ she noticed but the resistance was breaking. This perfect man had the perfect plan. Her perfect man. That she still loved more than she could show him at the moment, more than she could put into words, and that she knew loved her more than any other human could possibly love someone, no matter that she didn't give him to many reasons to love her these days. And maybe she should just stop hesitating and jump in. Maybe she should just stop acting like she didn't care about the current state of their relationship. Maybe she should just stop worrying that she couldn't give him what he wanted and needed and let him love her again. Maybe they could then leave those last couple of months behind them.

″I know,″ Jay nodded. ″Hank will take her over the weekend and my dad will come over all the other days and he will even take care of Luke when Rylie's schedule requires Luke to stay with us.″

″It's your birthday on Monday.″

″And that's a reason because you planned a surprise party?″ he chuckled slightly.

″Not exactly, no,″ she shook her head. In fact, this was the first time in years that she didn't have anything special planned for his birthday.

″Then I don't see a reason why I can't turn 34 in a different country and celebrate with our friends and family once we're back.″

″When would we be back?″ she asked, gnawing on her lip and her questions along with her behavior were enough for him to know that she wasn't as reluctant anymore, that the idea was probably even growing on her.

″The flight back is on the 21st and we would be back in Chicago in the afternoon of the same day.″

″Timezone traveling?″

″Maybe,″ he smirked.

″Where do we go?″ For the first time she directly asked where they went, not where they would go and no later than now he knew that they would board this plane on Thursday afternoon to leave for some kind of fresh start, to try rebuilding their relationship once more and come back stronger.

″Wait and see,″ he chuckled innocently, knowing very well that it would drive her nuts. But this was also part of the plan. He didn't want her to google anything about this place, just wanted her to go there without any expectations or anything else.

″Do I need bikinis or pullovers?″

By this question, his smirk grew even bigger and with a cocky wink he answered: ″Both.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin was staring at the screen on the wall as they waited for their flight to board and the name of the city that was written there, the name of their destination, was giving her quite some trouble. Not because she wasn't excited to go there but because she was sure that never in a million years she would ever be able to pronounce this word correctly. Or any of the names of all the places they were about to visit in the following 8 days as all those words seemed to be right out of some fantasy movie.

Reykjavik.

They were about to board a plane to Iceland, this little island in the North Atlantic Ocean, somewhere between Europe and Greenland. The land of fire and ice, a beacon of nature's majesty, that provided countless stunning places and a scenery that was one of a kind.

She didn't know much about Reykjavik. Or Iceland. All she knew was that there were some spectecular things to see, that it was supposed to be one of the most stunning countries in the world. And that's why she was honestly curious, why there seemed to be some real excitement brewing inside of her. Excitement that felt weird and strange because she hasn't felt it in such a way in a very long time.

″Are you excited?″ Jay asked as he wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple. There was no way this man could not read her mind. He always seemed to know what was going on inside of her, so it wouldn't even surprise her if he'd known how much she needed such a trip while she hadn't known.

″Yeah,″ she nodded and snuggled deeper into his embrace. ″Yeah, I guess I am.″

″Me too,″ Jay smiled and pressed another kiss against her head. So far so good.

They boarded their plane not even ten minutes later, being lucky and getting the seats right behind the business class which meant they had some generous leg space, and they had the most pleasant six-hour-flight, no turbulences or anything as they flew over Canada and Greenland, from daylight into the night.

It was 6.30am local time on Friday morning when they landed in Iceland's capital and after being up and watching movies for the duration of the flight because they'd been wide awake, they were only getting tired now as it was after midnight in their hometown. But they still had a full day ahead of them before they could hit the cushions in the evening and their jetlag would surely mess with them today.

After getting their luggage from the baggage claim, they went to the rental car office – of course Jay'd booked a rental car as well, he hadn't exaggerated when he'd told her that he had it all figured out - and soon enough they were driving from the airport towards Reykjavik although they would not even stay there tonight as there weren't too many special things there to see according to Jay.

In fact, they only spent around three hours in the city that wasn't bigger than any average American town and after seeing the few highlights, walking through the streets with the neat colorful houses and having an extensive breakfast in some restaurant in what the Icelandic people called downtown, they were back in the car to drive to their next destination as they started to explore the country that was known to be magical.

The famous Blue Lagoon was the place where they would spend the first day and night, this tourist spot providing not only a hotel and the lagoon with its geothermal seawater that was over 100°F warm, but also any kind of other spa treatments and massages that could help them to relax and take their minds off.

As they were both tired and beat from being awake for over 24 hours now, this day of just chillaxing was perfectly spent as they sipped on smoothies from the swim-up bar, as they enjoyed some massages - that were performed on some mattresses in the lagoon - to loosen all the knots in their uptight shoulders, and as they lay in the hot water, that was supposed to have healing powers with its active incredients like minerals, silica and algae, being surrounded by the extraordinary environment and pure Icelandic air definitely being a unique experience for their bodies and minds and souls.

And no matter whether it was just the placebo effect or whether this water really had some freaking healing powers that could even repair a broken heart and broken person, Erin couldn't help but admit that she felt better than she's felt in weeks when she put some jeans and a shirt on in the evening, after using the sauna and taking a long shower. It felt like the fresh Icelandic air she'd been surrounded with all day has cleared her lungs so she could breathe again. And in addition she just felt utterly relaxed, like the hot water has washed off all the demons that have been glued on her for months now.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Their place for dinner was a restaurant close by that was known to have some excellent seafood and so they ordered something they both already struggled to read – though thankfully there was at least an English explanation what exactly it was they ordered - and before speaking it out loud would end in a total embarrassment, they simply pointed on the menu to show their server what they wanted. Almost like at some tapas bar, they got a variety of small seafood delicacies to try – some of them tasting excitingly new and delicious while some of them they surely never needed to eat again – before the server brought them grilled langoustines with potatoes and spinach for their main course. A couple of years back, Erin had never pictured herself to eat something like that but because Jay'd convinced her that she wouldn't regret it, she'd agreed on sharing the platter with him.

″How is it?″ Jay, the lobster-lover, smirked when she was chewing on the first bite.

″It's...different,″ she answered, not being entirely sure whether she liked what she was eating or not. ″Weird somehow.″

″Oh come on babe, how can you call something like that weird?″ he chuckled. ″This meat is just perfect and tender and absolutely delicious and just so damn gooood...″

″So that's how it sounds when someone has a food orgasm, huh?″ she joked, raising her eyebrows at him. Only then she realized that she was flirting, actually really flirting. But she didn't mind. Because damn did it feel good.

″Shut up,″ he winked, feeling his heart flutter by realizing that their banter seemed to make a comeback after months of being burried. ″Just don't think about this as something weird but rather something delicious.″

″You know what would be delicious now? A burrito. Damn would a burrito be delicious now,″ she teased him, laughing slightly.

He grimaced dramatically by her words and shook his head. ″You're the worst.″

″I know,″ she shrugged casually and took another bite from the langoustine meat. ″But I guess since there are no burritos to be seen here, I have to give these perfect and tender and absolutely delicious langoustines a try,″ she mimicked.

″Good,″ he smiled and gave her another twinkle. ″You won't regret it.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

They both did – regret it.

It was while sitting on the balcony of their room, covered with a blanket as they waited for the northern lights to appear – though the server had earlier told them that it was probably too cloudy tonight but that they could at least give it a try – when Jay started to feel unwell. Despite the chilly Icelandic air, sweat was suddenly covering his forehead and his stomach was turning until at some point inhaling a couple of deep breaths didn't help to swallow the feeling of nausea down anymore and a run to the toilet was the only option left.

It was only ten minutes later – Jay still hovering over the toilet bowl – when Erin felt first signs of her stomach rioting as well. She left the room so she didn't hear Jay heaving, hoping that this was enough to help her stomach to settle but the fresh air didn't help at all and so it was almost exactly when Jay got up from his spot in front of the toilet bowl to clear his mouth with water that she took his spot and emptied the contents of her stomach into it.

And that was how their first night in Iceland went. In between 10pm and 2am they constantly took turns with occupying the spot in front of the toilet. They more or less stayed in the bathroom for four hours straight because they were afraid they couldn't make it to the toilet fast enough as the short distance between bed and bathroom seemed to be too long, and their facial colors resembled the white tiles of the bathroom as their foreheads were covered in cold sweat. In addition to feeling nauseous and having to vomit every ten to fifteen minutes they battled some intense abdominal cramps and when they finally dared to leave the bathroom to lie down in their bed long after 2am, they felt like zombies because they were running on zero sleep and zero energy.

″You look like hell,″ Erin noticed when Jay appeared in the doorframe, his silhouette illuminated by the light of the lamps on their bedside tables.

″Thank you. You too,″ he smiled weakly and shuffled through the room, feeling as bad as seldomly before.

He was concentrating on not to fall over and instead actually make it to the bed when for a second he wondered whether he was hallucinating as he was as dehydrated and overtired that his brain was probably fooling him or not functioning anymore. Because Erin was giggling. She was giggling heartily, in a way he hasn't heard her giggle in months, though the weakness due to her current condition was still obvious. But this didn't change the fact that her giggles sounded like music to his ears, music from another lifetime.

″Huh?″ he frowned and looked at her: she was really actually fucking giggling like she'd inhaled laughing gas or something similar. Despite her condition and her most probably having to run to the toilet again in less than fifteen minutes she was giggling as if they had the best time, as if this was the funniest situation.

″I don't know. I don't know, Jay but isn't this just so us that it's actually hilarious?″ she chuckled. ″Our life is one damn joke and out of all the people in this world it's gotta be us that get sick on a trip that's supposed to be healing. Out of all the people in the world it's gotta be us that eat foul fish and end up getting some form of food poisoning after traveling halfway across the world to take some time off. We have one amazing day and end up spending the whole night with emptying our stomachs although we can't empty them anymore and who knows whether we will spend the majority of this trip embracing toilet bowls. One day we will tell the story how we went to Iceland to see the beauty this country provides everywhere but instead of being able to tell about all those waterfalls and geysers and glaciers we can only tell about all the toilet bowls we saw. And this is just so us, Jay. This is us. This is our life. It's not what we signed up for but it's our life.″

In this moment, Jay might have looked at her like she was out of her mind. Completely out of her mind. But already in the next second, he had to admit that she was right. There was no way this would happen to anyone but them. And maybe it was hilarious that they were shuffling through their hotel room, waiting for the next run to the toilet, looking and feeling like crap. Maybe it was hilarious that they probably wouldn't see much more than hotel rooms because their health didn't allow them to leave the security that their bathroom provided. And as he thought about all the possible reasons why this was hilarious, he realized that this moment right now – as weird as it may seemed - was probably Erin accepting that sometimes she couldn't influence life. Accepting that sometimes she just to accept certain things, that she couldn't change them for the better but just had to let go of everything she couldn't change.

And when they'd needed this stomach bug or food poisoning or whatever the hell it was for her to heal in some way, then he would take any of these diseases again in a heartbeat. After losing the baby he'd struggled with still believing that everything in life happened for a reason, but now he was sure that what had just happened in the last couple of hours, happened for a reason. And maybe this was their turning point now.

″Seeing it from that point of view, it's hilarious,″ he chuckled as well. ″We travel to Iceland and all we see are toilet bowls. Maybe we could make a bestseller out of that. Or a blockbuster.″

She chuckled slightly by his words. ″Yeah, we should give this a shot.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

They were both only up two more times that night as all they could do was dry-heaving and when the abdominal cramps finally decreased they got even got a couple of hours of fine, undisturbed sleep. Naturally, they didn't go for breakfast in the morning – only the thought of eating almost made them run back into the bathroom – and they considered whether they should venture to follow their plan and leave the hotel or simply stay another day and night to be on the safe side because this virus or whatever it was could make a comeback anytime and they would be really screwed if a restroom wasn't close by then.

Eventually they decided on staying - Jay'd booked an Air BnB at their next destination for three nights anyway, so it didn't really matter when they would come one day later - and it was a good thing that they stayed because after daring to eat some dry toast in the afternoon, their stomachs immediately started to riot again and they had more meet-and-greets with their restroom only from these few pieces of bread that they'd eaten.

And even though they still didn't feel entirely well on the following day, which was already Sunday and only left them four more full days, they left for their next destination – Vik – after skipping breakfast once more. On the way there they stopped by some gorgeous and in any way stunning waterfalls, the first of them called Seljalandsfoss, and since they felt better with every minute passing, they even slipped into their rain jackets to walk behind the waterfall, especially their hair being completely wet from the drizzle afterwards anyway. The second breathtakingly beautiful waterfall they visited was called Skogafoss – surrounded by two snow-caped glaciers – and thanks to the sun shining they saw the waterfall in one of the most spectecular ways: with a vivid rainbow right in front of it. And they made sure to take lots of pictures and selfies – though they might had to photoshop them later because there still wasn't much color on their faces.

They only arrived in Vik in the early evening and the little Air BnB house Jay'd booked for them was absolutely adorable and charming, just like it was right out of some movie. It was a typical red house with white windows and a huge wooden patio that even provided a couch to spend evenings with stargazing or northern-lights watching in the most comfortable way. From the patio they had an amazing view on the black beach this region was famous for and they couldn't only hear the waves crashing against the beach, they also could see the ocean in the distance. But the greatest thing was without a doubt that they were surrounded by wide open spaces and pure nature and the next house seemed to be half a mile away, just some fields for horses and sheep everywhere they looked.

After bringing their luggage inside the little cottage they headed out again to get a couple of things from the only supermarket in town because after not daring to eat anything all day they felt their stomachs riot again – only this time they were rioting because they were completely empty and needed to be filled with some light food which they would possibly regret later, who knew.

″Look, they even have a tourist shop here,″ Erin mentioned as they left the car and walked towards the entrance. One half of the building was indeed a supermarket while the other half was some tourist shop with all kinds of souvenirs for people like them. ″I'd love to buy something for Emmy and Luke.″

″Then why don't you go in there while I buy something to eat?″ Jay suggested with a smile.

″Sounds good,″ she smiled back. ″But only buy light and stomach-friendly stuff.″

″Will do, no worries,″ he winked and then left for the entrance on the left while Erin went to the entrance on the right.

The little store provided all kinds of things, from magnets over postcards to pullovers and stuffed animals and so she bought two magnets for their kitchen, two stuffed Puffin animals – one for Luke and one for Emmy - a key chain for Rylie and an adorable little pullover for Emmy – winter was coming soon after all and with living in Chicago Emilia could never own enough thick pullovers.

″You enjoying Iceland?″ the old woman with the lovely face behind the counter asked when she put all the stuff on there to pay.

″Yeah, I do,″ Erin nodded and smiled politely.

″You already saw the northern lights?″ she kept on small-talking.

″Not yet, no,″ she answered. ″But I hope we'll have the chance to see them while we're here.″

″You will see them tonight,″ the woman answered all convinced and gave Erin a sweet and knowing smile.

″Do you think?″

″I do know,″ she answered lightly. ″You also saw fairies and trolls?″

″Uhm what?″ Erin frowned. The northern lights were one thing and when an Icelandic woman told her they would appear tonight, she tended to believe her because this woman surely knew her country. But fairies and trolls? This had to be a joke.

It wasn't.

″Fairies and trolls,″ the woman with that heavy accent in her voice repeated. ″You saw them?″

″Nooo,″ Erin denied, trying her best to hide her thoughts and not letting them appear on her face.

″Huh,″ she answered and she lifted her head to look at Erin and when their eyes met, there was a strange moment when Erin had the feeling this woman could see right through her, could see so much more than just her silhouette. ″Iceland is magical country. And magical things happen in magical country,″ she said meaningfully, never taking her eyes away from Erin.

″Well...I guess...I'll keep my eyes open then,″ Erin stammered in confusion and paid with her credit card.

″You should,″ the woman answered with a warm smile and handed her the bag with all the gifts and the next words that left from her lips left Erin speechless for various reasons. ″You know, in magical Iceland, people lose the shadows they carry around. And they let go of all the things they can't change.″

As Erin left the shop a couple of seconds later, she still couldn't believe what had just happened in there and for some reason, she knew that the words of the old woman hadn't been coincidence. She'd referred directly to her, had basically told her that she was seeing the shadow she was carrying around. And that she should let go of everything she couldn't change.

Maybe she just should.

Let go.

Of certain things.

That were what they were.

And that she would never be able to change.

Just like she'd done the other night when they'd battled the food poisoning and she'd been totally okay with it instead of continuing to question life and fate.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Their dinner was sparse as they only had some dry rice with broccoli but thanks to not going back from 0 to 100, their stomachs were satisfied and didn't dare to riot once more and so they later found themselves sitting on the couch on the patio, one blanket draped around each of them and they nibbled some saltines as they waited for the magic to appear on the dark and clear nightsky.

And the magic appeared when they almost already called it a day. At first, there seemed to be some white clouds on the sky and when Erin got up to go to bed, Jay held her back and said they should maybe just wait because he didn't think those were actual clouds. And he was right. Within the next couple of minutes they changed their color to different shades of green and a little bit of purple and what followed was one of the most spectecular displays that planet earth had to offer.

″Oh my God,″ Erin whispered, being completely bedazzled by the beauty and majesty of the northern lights. ″This is so beautiful.″

″Must be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,″ Jay admitted just as stunned and he couldn't take his eyes away from the show that nature provided them on the sky.

They sat there in silence as the aurora borealis danced above them, the colors even changing slightly sometimes, and they were completely mesmerized by what they were allowed to witness, by the magic of this moment, by the universe showing them what it was capable of doing, this majesty making all their problems so small.

At some point, Erin turned her gaze away from the northern lights and stared at Jay for five minutes straight, her husband not even recognizing it because he was caught in the northern-lights-bubble. And as she took his soft features in, she just felt one thing: thankfulness. Thankfulness for this man, for this man loving her in such an intense, unconditional way every day, no matter what. It was easy to love someone when things were perfect and everything was wonderful. But to love someone when things were difficult, when they were not being perfect, when they were messing up and flaws were seen and mistakes made, that was what allowed you to see how much love there really was. Because anyone could love someone who was doing and saying all the right things, being everything you wanted and needed, when they'd got it all together, when they had it all figured out. But to love someone at their lowest, to love someone despite how broken they felt, when they were lost and you were still willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may were, that was the more beautiful kind of love. The more meaningful kind of love. The kind of love Jay's showered her with in the last couple of months. Because he loved her both times, loved her as much in the good times as he did in the bad.

″Thank you, Jay,″ Erin said quietly and emotionally, expressing her thoughts and feelings with such simple words, basically thanking him for everything he's done in the last couple of months, including this little trip that had definitely helped her to realize some things. "I couldn't walk through this life without you by my side. And I'm sorry for everything I did in the last couple of months but I just want you to know that I love you. More than any words can ever express." Her voice was breaking in the end and tears were running down her cheeks.

He turned his head to face her and tears were sparkling in his eyes as well but before he was able to form a sentence of the English language, she already captured his lips with her own to melt them into the softest kiss, swallowing all the words that were on the tip of his tongue. Their kiss started off slowly as some more single tears ran down both of their faces but it then deepened as her hands cupped his wet cheeks and her tongue delved into his mouth, turning this innocent and sweet kiss into a passionate one as long buried feelings were released. Her hands traveled to his neck to cradle his head and with every second that passed, their kisses grew deeper and more impatient until Jay pushed her back softly so she was lying on the couch and he was hovering above her, making out like two lovestruck, horny teenagers.

It felt like a firework.

The northern lights were forgotten as they started to work on each other's shirts simultaneously and they were discarded quickly, leaving Jay's torso bare and Erin's only covered with her bra. Their jeans joined the other clothes soon after and it was only then, when his boxers and her panties was all the fabric that seperated them and when Jay pulled up the blanket to cover them from the chilly air, that he hesitated.

″Are you sure?″ he asked with the softest ever expression, his voice husky anyway. The fact that he asked whether she was okay with this although they already were almost at a point of no-return made her love him even more. He was the gentlest, most caring man in the whole world. A man who loved her in a way that she didn't deserve but never wanted to be without ever again. A man that loved her even harder on the hard days. And tonight she was able to let him love her again.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded, a faint smile tugging in the corners of her mouth, a familiar but too-long-not-seen darkness in her eyes, and with her hand on his neck she pulled him down again so their lips could continue with what they'd started.

For the first time in almost five months they made love that night, out there on the patio, with the northern lights dancing above them. After not sleeping with each other in so long, one could've thought that it was hot and rough and fast. But it wasn't. There'd been many times when they'd thought that this had to be the most vulnerable round of making love but tonight was without a doubt the peak of vulnerability. Because when he finally entered her and her wet walls welcomed him they were back being one. And everything came down to that moment: the northern lights above them stopped dancing and the clocks all around the world stopped ticking and the world stopped entirely turning as the magic of this moment, of two souls becoming one again, overwhelmed them both. And somehow, this felt like their first time because it's the most intimate they've both ever felt.

He was pushing in and out of her, soon finding their familiar rhythm, and they then found the sweetest of releases simultaneously a couple of minutes later and were sent flying, sent into the most beautiful oblivion there was. And as he collapsed on top of her after letting go and releasing his discharge inside of her, tears were streaming down both of their faces because this has been the emotional healing they'd both needed.

″I love you,″ Jay breathlessly whispered into the crook of her neck.

″I love you more,″ she whispered and kissed his lips lazily.

They tasted of salt. But so did hers. And she was sure they have never tasted better.

The small couch outside was the place where they stayed for a little while longer, as they came down from this special high and emotional rollercoaster, gazing up to the ongoing show on the sky as they lay all snuggled up in each other's arms.

″You know,″ Erin somewhen said, her voice still all raspy. ″Earlier in the store there was this woman who said that Iceland is a magical country where magical things happen. And I guess I now know what she meant.″

″I guess I do, too,″ Jay agreed without knowing the full story, adding with a cocky wink: ″You feel up for more magic tonight?″

″Definitely,″ she chuckled huskily, feeling as blithe as she hasn't in months and in that moment she decided that this was how she wanted to feel every minute of every day. ″I mean, we have to make up for five months, don't we?″

″Damn sure we do,″ he laughed and kissed her forehead gushily.

They made love two more times that night – in the bedroom being the place to make those memories. And while Jay's age changed from 33 to 34 sometime between round two and three, moaning, panting and exclamations of love filled this little cottage on the south coast of Iceland, the northen lights, that had somehow led them to this moment, dancing on the sky all night, just as if they shared their joy and made sure to shine extra bright and extra beautiful tonight...

Well, I hope this was everything you wanted to happen :) Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Thanks :)