94. Breathe Again

Thank you for your continuous support! Here we go again, chapter 94...

94. Breathe Again

″I just got off the phone with Hank,″ Erin said to Jay on yet another sunny and hot Sunday, one week before their first anniversary, as she joined him and Emmy in their backyard where their daughter – with some help - 'baked' some sand-cakes for them in her sandbox. In the beginning, Jay'd been playing along in the most adorable way by always acting like he really tried them and telling Emilia how delicious her little cakes were though he'd figured pretty fast that this wasn't the smartest idea since Emilia wanted to try her sand-cakes now as well and of course the one-and-a-half year-old didn't just pretend to try. She was in that age where they had to be super careful because she picked up on everything, so she would really put the sand in her mouth if it wasn't for Jay keeping her from doing that and telling her that she couldn't eat sand.

He turned his head around by the sound of Erin's voice and tried to read her expression to figure out whether Hank had told her good news or bad news. The fact that she wasn't crying and seemed emotionally stable made him hope that it wasn't the latter. But then again, after sharing so many tears in recent weeks, she probably just couldn't cry anymore and accepted the fact that fate used her as a punching bag whenever it had the chance to do so.

″He's coming home,″ she answered his unspoken question and sat down next to him, nestling her head against his shoulder.

″Does this mean Justin is doing better?″ he asked, the tiniest bit of hope for a happy end flickering in his eyes. Hope that Erin wouldn't lose her little brother. Hope that they would finally be able to breathe again. Hope that Justin would make it out of this without any longterm consequences. Hope that after three months of constantly living on the edge, they could finally try to find their levity and normality and serenity again, two things that seemed to hide at some place that they yet had to discover.

″No,″ Erin denied, taking this hope away with one simply word that only consisted of two letters. ″He's still in a coma but his condition is as stable as it could be. And Hank said it doesn't change anything when he sits on his bedside every day, playing the waiting game. He can't do anything for him, so he rather comes back and distracts himself with work and brings justice to his city. And with Olive, her parents and the boys there are enough people over there,″ she shrugged.

″Yeah,″ Jay nodded in response. ″I'm kinda glad that I don't have to be the boss for too much longer,″ he chuckled slightly, adding: ″That's really not my thing. At least not yet.″

″Come on, give yourself some credit,″ Erin lifted her head and smiled faintly, being more than grateful for this change of topic into a lighter direction. ″You were not that bad.″

″I take this is a compliment,″ he winked.

″Sergeant Halstead. Doesn't sound so bad, does it?″ she smirked innocently and he only raised his eyebrows by her statement, giving her quite the look.

″Just saying though,″ she shrugged with a little laugh that made Jay's heart beat faster. He wanted this little moment, that they were just having, to last forever. Because it was one of the few times in the last few weeks that they had such an easy conversation, that Erin smiled and laughed, although it still wasn't her famous, healing laugh that had the ability to make the world alright, that everything seemed somehow normal, that tiny bits of their banter made it to the daylight.

″Maybe one day,″ he said with a boyish, mischievous smile, gladly playing along with her. ″Maybe not,″ he added with a chuckle.

″Daddy is silly today, isn't he, Em?″ Erin asked her daughter, who was filling one of her sand molds with sand for at the least the 20th time this afternoon. It was always fascinating to witness how the toddler got mesmerized by the easiest things, like emptying and filling her sand molds with a little shovel or her hands over and over again.

″Yaah yaah,″ Emilia babbled lightly.

″Hey Emmy, that's not nice,″ Jay laughed. ″Daddy's not silly, okay?″

″She doesn't exactly care,″ Erin mentioned as Emilia just kept on filling her sand molds without paying special attention to the conversation of her parents.

″Nope,″ Jay laughed. ″So that's it then. I'm the silly daddy,″ he sighed dramatically.

″There are worse things I guess,″ she smiled. ″Emmy loves her silly daddy,″ she said, her gaze shifting from him to Emilia, and the next words that followed were nothing more than a whisper. ″And I do, too.″

In this moment, his heart stopped beating. But not like the last few times, when it had stopped beating because it shattered into a million pieces. This time it stopped beating because it was swelling with an overwhelming amount of joy. This was the very first time she told him she loved him ever since they lost their baby, ever since drama after drama has hunted them down and let them spiral downward into an overwhelming, all invading darkness. And while he's always wondered when she would finally tell him those three little words back after they'd left his lips, he's never been disappointed when she didn't say them. Because he'd promised himself to give her all the time in the world and waiting for those words to leave her lips had been included in this promise. Only now, after she'd finally spoken them out loud, he realized that he hasn't known how much he needed to hear them.

How fucking much his heart has ached for these words in the last three months.

″I love you,″ he whispered back, swallowing down his emotions and pressed his lips against hers so they could melt in more than just a peck and that, if it was up to Jay, could very well last forever.

″Me luv,″ Emilia giggled, making sure to interrupt their little moment quickly so it couldn't last longer than a couple of seconds.

″Now we're interesting again, huh?″ Jay shook his head slightly as he laughed and scooped the toddler into his lap. ″You're lucky that we love you a lot,″ he grinned and tickled her belly which made her squirm in Jay's arms and giggle heartily.

″A lot lot lot,″ Erin grinned and only her attempt of tickling Emmy as well made the little girl squeak even louder. It was their favorite sound in the world, music to their ears.

″Maybe we should stop before she hyperventilates,″ Jay mentioned, being a little scared that Emilia would choke on her own laughter. ″Right, princess? Catch your breath again,″ he said and kissed her hair softly. ″Do you think we should tell mommy about our plans though?″

″What plans?″ Erin frowned instantly, curiosity in her eyes.

″Seems like mommy wants to know,″ Jay chuckled, giving her a kiss on the cheek this time. ″Should we tell her?″

″No,″ Emilia answered and shook her head.

Jay couldn't help but laugh loudly. ″Sorry babe, Emmy wants to keep this a secret I guess,″ he smirked innocently.

″Jay,″ she narrowed her eyes at him. ″Spill it. Now.″

″Well, when you ask that nice,″ he grinned. ″You remember how I suggested to go to the cabin in August?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded, remembering with a shudder how he'd suggested this just a couple of minutes before Olive had delivered them the devastating news about Justin.

″I thought about antedating this, so we could be there for our anniversary. Which I think would be nice,″ he explained. He hasn't told her about this plan so far. Because after deciding for himself that he wanted to take her to Wisconsin rather sooner than later, he'd realized that with being in charge of the unit, he couldn't simply leave for two weeks. Those two days last week had been okay, but two whole weeks while Hank has made him the man responsible for Intelligence was just not how this worked with the certain, extra responsibility he was carrying around as long as their boss was gone. ″And now with Hank coming back, we could easily leave on Friday evening.″

″You have no idea how much I would like that,″ she smiled faintly, the prospect of leaving Chicago and all the drama behind in five days already being a very welcome one.

″Maybe as much as I do,″ Jay winked and just before their lips could meet for another sweet kiss, they got interrupted again. Not from Emilia this time. But from the ringing doorbell, that was fortunately – or in this case unfortunately - loud enough that they even heard it in their backyard.

″That must be Rylie and Luke,″ Erin concluded and got up to open the door and let these two in. Luke would stay with them the next three nights because Rylie had the pleasure to work the graveyard shift.

″Lu Lu,″ Emilia said excitedly and reached out for Erin.

″You wanna come to open the door with me?″ Erin asked as she picked her up from Jay's lap and then took her by her hand.

″Yaah,″ she nodded eagerly and pulled her towards the patio and inside the house.

While his two girls were gone, Jay settled in one of the comfy chairs on the patio, knowing very well that now that Luke was here, Emmy wouldn't need her parents in the sandbox anymore and rather played with her five-year-old pseudo-brother.

″Come Lu Lu,″ Emilia said as she stepped back on the patio, now pulling her best friend with her and Jay had to laugh by the demanding undertone in her voice. Barely 18 months old and this kid knew exactly what it wanted and how to boss around Luke, who was almost four years older. And it wasn't too hard to figure out where she's got that from.

Like mother, like daughter , he thought with a smirk, watching Luke and Emmy settling in the sandbox.

″And just like that we're chopped liver again,″ Erin laughed when she and Rylie joined Jay on the patio a couple of seconds later, the two women carrying a couple of glasses and cool drinks.

″Yup, that's how it goes these days,″ Jay laughed.

Since Rylie didn't have to be at Med until 8pm tonight, she stayed for the whole afternoon and they quickly decided that they would later cook dinner together. Or probably just order something. At some point, Emilia and Luke changed from the sandbox to the big kiddie pool that was filled with shallow water, the squeaking and laughing even louder now that they splashed the water around, while Erin and Jay told Rylie about their plans of going to Wisconsin on Friday.

″We could take Luke with us,″ Jay suggested in the end.

″Yeah,″ Erin agreed. ″Otherwise it will get really complicated for you with us being gone for almost two weeks.″

″Guys,″ Rylie smiled gratefully. ″That's very sweet of you. But Luke and I will get it handled. I have Carol who takes care of him throughout the day and I will talk with Maggie that she'll only put me on dayshifts for the time you're gone.″

″You sure?″ Erin asked the young girl who's become so mature that she still sometimes couldn't believe that this was the same person she'd met as a drug addicted girl who worked in a business no young girl should have to work in not even a year ago.

″Absolutely,″ she nodded. ″This vacation is just for the three of you. You really need and deserve that and Luke and I will be fine.″

″Okay,″ Jay said. ″But I'm sure Emmy will miss her best friend,″ he chuckled, his eyes falling on the two kids that were currently rolling in the water like some crazy seals. If they continued like that, there wouldn't be any water left in the pool soon. Watching these two, he couldn't deny that his heart ached because Emmy would grow up being an only-child, would never have a sibling she could play with every day. But on the other hand, even if Luke didn't live with them and wasn't around every day, he was her brother in every way that mattered, and this was better than not having a brother or sister at all.

The buzzing of a phone brought his attention back to Rylie and Erin and just a moment after Rylie had reached for her phone on the table, any color fell from her face.

″What's going on?″ Erin asked slightly confused and definitely a bit scared, the fact that Rylie looked like a ghost out of a sudden not going unnoticed by her.

″It's from Tracy. She said the results of our finals are online,″ she breathed out, her voice shaking nervously. After doing all the classes required for her highschool diploma in literal light speed, the girl that would soon turn 22 had written her final exams four weeks ago.

″Check them out,″ Erin encouraged her with a soft smile.

″What if I failed?″ she asked quietly, not being to able to look Erin in the eyes by speaking this thought, this fear, out loud.

″You didn't,″ she answered entirely convinced.

″How can you know that?″

″I just do, Ry,″ Erin said softly and placed her hand on her lower arm. ″But of course you're totally free to check them later, when you're all by yourself.″

″Yeah, I might die of curiosity and a racing heart then,″ she laughed shortly. ″You know what? What the hell!″ she exclaimed and her fingers swiped over the screen of her cell.

What followed was a moment of everyone holding their breath and Jay was sure if the kids weren't as loud, he could easily hear both, Erin's and Rylie's hearts beating. And probably his own as well. Because this was a huge moment for all of them.

″Oh my god,″ Rylie whispered before her quiet voice was followed by an outburst of joy. ″I passed! I passed them all!″ She jumped up from her chair like a bouncy ball and fell into an embrace with Erin and Jay's suspicion that she was crying into the crook of Erin's neck while his wife hugged her tightly got confirmed when she lifted her head and those grey eyes were sparkling with happy tears.

″Congratulations, Ry,″ Erin said just as emotional because in this moment she definitely felt like a proud big sister. ″I'm so so so proud of you.″

″Thank you so much,″ Rylie said and hugged her once more before Jay was the next person in line for some hugging.

″Congrats, Rylie,″ he smiled as he wrapped his arms around her. ″Way to go.″

″Thanks, Jay,″ Rylie smiled back. ″Thank you two so much for all your support. I couldn't have done that without you.″

″We weren't as much of a support in the last three months...-″

″You were,″ Rylie interrupted Erin instantly. ″Regardless of what you went through, I could still always count on you and whenever I had to work the night or had to study on a Sunday, I could bring Luke and you would always give him a home. So no, I could not have done that without you. Never,″ she smiled faintly.

″We would do it again anytime,″ Jay answered.

″You will have to,″ Rylie smirked innocently. ″Because nursing college won't be a walk in the park.″

″You can always count on us,″ Erin emphasized Jay's statement.

″I know,″ Rylie smiled, more tears sparkling in her eyes. ″And there's nothing I'm more thankful for.″

″How about we go out for an early dinner to celebrate your highschool diploma?″ Jay suggested once their emotional and proud moment was over. Usually they didn't like going out for dinner with Emilia. Because whenever they were at a restaurant, she rather wanted to explore the new territory than sitting in her highchair and since a meltdown in a public place wasn't high on their list of things they liked to experience, one of them always had to run after her and could then only eat when the food was only lukewarm and when the other's plate was already empty. Today though, they would make an exception to celebrate this joyous occasion.

″I think that's a brilliant idea,″ Erin agreed, making a mental note that they had to celebrate this, and the upcoming birthday of the blonde girl, with all of Rylie's friends once they would be back from Wisconsin. Something like a surprise party. Something she could plan while being at the cabin. Something that would take her mind off and distract her as much that she wouldn't feel the heavy weight that has been on her chest for weeks now.

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The horizon stretched across her entire field of view, a massive amount of crystal clear water being all she could see as Erin let her gaze wander over Lake Lindsay in front of her. It was Saturday and they'd arrived last night, as always with Emmy driving into the night so she could sleep most parts of the 6-hour drive and now the first day of their vacation, that they'd mainly used to go grocery shopping and swim in the lake and just do nothing at all, was already nearing its end.

A soft breeze caressed her skin, keeping it pleasantly warm in spite of the slowly fading sun and a mix of orange and red and pink and purple filled the blue sky, coloring the puffy white clouds. But despite the beauty and peace of this place, she was still waiting for some effect to kick in. Some effect she'd expected to kick in, to hit her now that they were here, at this beautiful place that usually made her heart flutter. Some effect that would allow her to breathe again.

As she watched the red sun dive deeper into the water with every minute passing, she wondered whether she would ever be able to breathe again when not even this place could lift the weight off her chest. This had been her hope, that she would finally get better here, but now she had to accept that not even the magic of this place could heal her this time, had to bury the hope that soon everything would be fine again. It wouldn't. Not in the near future. And probably never.

″Hey Er,″ the voice of her husband startled her.

She turned her head around to find him standing behind her, carrying Emilia on his hip and Crispin following him on his heels. ″Hey,″ she forced a smile. A smile that Jay could see was fake in a millisecond.

″Are you alright?″ he frowned.

She swallowed hard by his innocent question. Because no, she wasn't. Hasn't been in a long time. ″I will be,″ she breathed out, this time not being able to tell him she was fine although she was still so damn far away from it. Before Jay could dig any deeper though, she skillfully changed the topic by focusing her attention on Emmy.

″Hey sweetheart,″ she said and reached out to take her from Jay's arms. ″Are you ready for bedtime stories?″ she asked her and the little girl immediately hid her head against Erin's shoulder.

″I take this as a yes,″ Erin smiled. ″All this swimming made you tired, huh?″ she asked and kissed her hair lovingly.

″We could read the book we bought in the store earlier,″ Jay interposed, pushing his worriedness over Erin aside for now, as always keeping up the fascade for Emmy's sake. ″Giraffes Can't Dance. Would you like that, princess?″

″Yaah,″ Emilia nodded slowly, her light blue eyes already full of sleep.

″Then let's do that,″ Jay smiled and together they walked inside the cabin and settled on the couch for some evening cuddles.

And while reading her the story of Gerald, the adorable giraffe that couldn't attend the yearly jungle dance because he was really bad when it came to dancing, but eventually stunned all the other animals, that had made fun of him before, with his newly found skills, Emilia fell asleep on Erin's chest, her eyelids with the dreamy long lashes losing the battle against sleep and her breathing evening out slowly but steady until it was obvious that she was in dreamland.

They tucked her in together and when Jay suggested to go outside with a couple of blankets and pillows to lie down in the grass for some stargazing, he only hoped that she would say yes but didn't exactly expect it. So the mumbled ″yeah why not?″ accompanied by a slight nod of her head was quite the surprise for him and they grabbed the blanket from the backrest of the couch as well as some pillows to comfortably settle outside.

For a while, it was absolutely silent and they listened to the clittering of the crickets while gazing up to the stars without exchanging a single word. He didn't yet want to ask her about what had been going on earlier - he could very well imagine what this was about anyway: it was the same battle every day - but at some point he reached for her hand and laced his fingers through hers. She squeezed it back gently and as if his touch was giving her courage to speak about her feelings, she hesitantly and quietly started to speak a couple of minutes later, her voice trembling slightly.

″I...I gaze around and I can't see the colors...because there's a shadow lying over everything beautiful and the colors are taken away. I eat and everything tastes the same and it's like I don't know anymore how strawberries or cheese or chocolate taste. And I...I feel like I'm suffocating,″ she breathed out, still gazing up to the dark sky that provided them so many more stars than the Chicago nightsky did, and inhaled a deep breath. ″Like I'm diving and suddenly there's not enough oxydgen coming from the oxydgen bottle anymore,″ she tried to explain how she's been feeling in the last few months. ″Like there's a weight on my chest or a chain around my lungs and the weight gets heavier or the chain tighter all the time.″ Her voice broke and the words that followed were nothing but a whisper. ″I just want to breathe again, Jay,″ she choked.

In this moment, all he could do was wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close so his body could give her the comfort his words couldn't give her right now. Because they failed him. Because this was one of the rare times – or in the last few weeks not-so-rare-times – that he had no idea what to say, that he didn't know what to do to make her feel better. He's wanted to make her fly again but in this moment, for the first time, he realized that he probably didn't have the power to do that. Because these wings seemed to be too broken. Broken beyond a point of repair.

″You will,″ he murmured into her hair and kissed her head gently. ″You will be able to breathe again. I promise.″ Yes, against better judgement he'd just promised something he didn't know he could keep. He'd promised something although he felt as helpless as seldom before, although this seemed like a lost battle. But not ever would he surrender or give up when it came to Erin. If he had to, he would fight this battle for the rest of his life, and who knew, maybe one day he would get rewarded with getting his Erin back. Maybe one day he would be able to lift the weight off her chest, to untie the chains around her lungs and to color the world for her again. Exactly 364 days ago he'd given her a promise for eternity, to weather every storm together and to love her in bad times as much as in good times and no matter how long the storm and the bad times took, he would stay right by her side, showing her that she could always count on him, proving her that nothing would ever gonna change his love for her.

″I love you, Er,″ he said emphatically and kissed her hair yet again. ″I love you so much.″

It didn't surprise him that her lips stayed sealed this time, that she didn't say his favorite words back. He only felt her body shaking even more, his shirt getting wet right where she buried her face against his chest telling him that she was crying.

And as he tightened his embrace even more he couldn't help the chills running down his spine by realizing that this could very well be their new normal.

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When Jay was waking up with the first rays of sunshine making their way into their cozy bedroom, he was still holding her in his arms. Even after they'd had to flee inside last night because the mosquitoes had attacked them, Erin had seeked solace in his arms as soon as they were in their bedroom. She'd snuggled into his side and his arms had happily found their way around her tiny frame. This was the first time they'd slept like this in months. This was in fact the closest they've been in months. And it was the best he'd slept in months.

Given that the only time they'd been up was when Emmy'd had a nightmare around 2am was proof enough that this was the best Erin's slept in months as well. Ever since the miscarriage, she's regularly been awake at least twice a night, when her nightmares had turned too real. She'd tossed and turned and cried in her sleep until she'd woken up wheezing or until Jay'd ended her nightmare by waking her up. She'd never really told him what her nightmares were about though. She would give him bits and pieces but not the whole story. But he didn't need her telling him to know what her nightmares were about. The fact that she was crying ″don't go″ and ″no″ and ″please come back″ in her sleep along with other things she sometimes murmured told him most of the story and formed a pretty clear picture: the miscarriage was haunting her in her dreams. Just like it's been haunting him at night every now and then as well.

Tonight, however, he hadn't had a nightmare either. Tonight the warmth of her body and the soothing scent of her shampoo invading his nostrils had shielded him from all those demons that over and over took their unborn child away in his dreams. Just like his arms had probably provided her exactly the safe haven she's needed.

He tried to change his position a little but as soon as he moved, a little sigh escaped from Erin's lips and she subconciously seemed to nestle even deeper into his embrace as if she wanted to make sure that he didn't go anywhere. And he wouldn't. He wouldn't leave this bed until she was up as well. Or until Emilia would decide that her parents had enough sleep. Which would, thanks to her being up quite a while last night as she'd had trouble to settle after her obvious nightmare, hopefully not be for a while.

Erin's hazel orbs fluttered open about half an hour later, the birds already going crazy outside as the sun was rising on the sky, and a rare smile flashed across her face when she realized that she was still lying in Jay's arms.

″Good morning,″ Jay smiled and pressed a kiss against her forehead.

″Hey,″ she murmured, her voice all raspy, and kissed his lips lazily.

″Did you have a good sleep?″ he asked.

″Really good, actually,″ she grinned and nestled her head under his chin. ″What about you?″

″Best sleep in weeks,″ he answered honestly and his statement let them fall into a moment of silence. A comfortable silence this time. And they both only listened to the birds's beautiful concert they gave outside, right in front of their open window.

″There's something I gotta tell you,″ Erin interrupted their silence and daydreaming after a couple of minutes and she left the spot under his chin to look at him.

″Yeah?″ Jay asked expectantly, curiously.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded and pressed her lips against his to give him the most lingering kiss. ″Happy anniversary.″

″Happy anniversary,″ he smiled like a kid in candystore and kissed her back. ″Thank you for being my wife. I love you.″

″I love you, too,″ she said and gave him another short peck before she nestled her head back under his chin to rest close to his heart.

Little steps. It was all about those little steps these days. Because for them they felt like milestones.

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Last year, when Jay'd headed into town to buy some groceries, he'd come back with a unicorn swimming ring for Emilia. This year, after heading into town because they'd of course forgotten a couple of important things when running for errands yesterday, he came back with a giant unicorn pool float.

″I should've known it,″ Erin murmured when Jay joined her, Emmy and Crispin by the lake, carrying the still flat unicorn proudly.

″I thought now that the princess is a year older, she needs a bigger unicorn,″ Jay winked and settled next to them, instantly using the air pump to bring the unicorn to life.

″This thing is huge,″ Erin mentioned casually, watching the unicorn grow bigger every second.

″As huge that we can probably all three share it and float over the water,″ he smirked, trying to convince her of the benefits.

″You wanna go and check it out, Em?″ she asked her daughter, who was eyeing the thing skeptically.

″Yaah,″ Emilia nodded eagerly despite not being too keen yet, and got on her feet to walk toward the unicorn, now eyeing it more fascinated than skeptically.

″Hey princess, can you say hi to the unicorn?″ Jay asked when Emmy was by his side.

″Hi hi,″ she babbled and flung her arms around the unicorn's neck, nestling her head against it like she usually did with Crispin.

″I'd say that's love at first sight,″ Jay chuckled, throwing a cocky wink at Erin.

She only rolled her eyes dramatically in response. ″Yeah, you're a hero,″ she grinned.

″Well, you don't have to float with us if you don't want to,″ Jay shrugged casually, a smug smirk tugging in the corners of his lips. ″Right, Emmy? We can do that all alone,″ he said to his daughter and reached for her little life jacket to put it on.

″No mama,″ she shook her head and ran back to Erin.

″Hah, that's my girl,″ Erin laughed and gave Emilia a kiss. ″Of course I will ride the unicorn with you.″

After they'd successfully put Emilia her life jacket on, they brought the unicorn to the water and Erin and Emilia climbed on the white thing with the rainbow tail and mane and golden horn, Emilia wrapping her arms around the unicorn's neck and Erin sitting behind her while Jay pushed the unicorn through the water, Crispin swimming next to him. For a while, Emmy was all satisfied with just riding the unicorn but at some point she started to get bored and craved for more action and so Erin helped her to stand on the edge of the unicorn, so she could jump into Jay's arms.

″Come on bug, I'll catch you,″ Jay encouraged her, reaching his arms out for her. ″You can do it.″

The girl with the two piggy tails didn't need encouragement as she had the exact same fearless spirit that her parents had whenever they put their vests on and holstered their guns before a bust. She jumped into his arms with a loud squeal, the water splashing into Jay's face as he caught her.

It was needless to say that this was now Emmy's new favorite occupation and she couldn't get enough from jumping into Jay's arms over and over again, always climbing back onto the unicorn with her parents's help, turning around and jumping right back into her daddy's safe arms.

It was without a doubt the blithest moment they shared and enjoyed in months, their conversation from last night almost forgotten. Or at least pushed to the very last corner of their minds.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Their little whirlwind was plum tuckered out when they returned to the cabin and she literally almost fell into her bowl with food while sitting in her highchair. Jay was really thankful that tucking her in would be an easy job today because he had some plans for tonight to celebrate their first anniversary, those 365 days of being married. Erin knew that he had something planned – that was the reason why they were only eating some little snacks for dinner – but that was about all she knew as he preferred to keep his plans a secret.

″So, the surprise is ready,″ Jay said when he joined Erin in Emilia's room, where the little girl was sleeping against her mother's chest in the rocking chair. While he'd prepared the surprise, she'd bathed her, had then read her a story and has been cuddling with her every since she's been asleep, enjoying how she now had all the time and attention for her daughter without anything or anyone interupting those precious moments.

″Okay,″ Erin whispered and together they tucked Emmy in, covering her with a light sheet and making sure that her favorite stuffy, which was still the Eeyore she'd gotten from Hank on the day of her birth, and her little lamb were close by.

″Do you trust me?″ he asked after giving Emilia soft kisses for goodnight, when they closed the door of her room from the outside

″Uhm...sure,″ she nodded slowly in confusion.

″Good,″ he smiled faintly. ″Because I need to blindfold you,″ he said, pulling some bandana out of the back pocket of his shorts.

″What? Why?″ she frowned even deeper, not sounding exactly excited about his idea.

″You'll see...well, figure it out,″ he chuckled slightly. ″Just trust me, Erin.″

″Okay...″ she nodded with a short sigh.

″Great,″ he winked, ignoring her not-so-amused attitude, and put the scarf around her head to cover her eyes.

With the baby monitor in one hand, he led her downstairs and outside in the garden, telling her to sit down once they reached their picnic area close to the lake. Originally, he'd had an entire different plan for their first anniversary dinner: cooking her linguine with salmon, her favorite dish, and having a candle light dinner on the patio. But after she'd given him an insight on her current feelings yesterday, he'd decided to do something else, buying all the things he needed for this evening when he'd headed into town earlier.

″I want you to breathe in and out in a steady rhythm,″ Jay explained after sitting down next to her and he couldn't help but feel like some life coach or something similar. ″Just concentrate on your breathing and all the things you can hear or smell or feel. Listen to the crickets and how the wind whistles in the trees and how the water softly swashes against the shore. Reach out and feel the grass under your hands. Inhale deeply and smell the scents of woods and flowers. Just try to explore the area around you with everything but your eyes.″

″Uh-huh,″ she mumbled and even though he couldn't see her eyes, he very well saw the questionmarks on her face. And probably the thought that he had to be out of his mind.

″Perfect.″

This was the last thing any of them said for the next five minutes, as Erin did what Jay'd told her to do and Jay just took his surroundings in as well, closing his eyes so they had similar conditions.

″What do you smell?″ he asked, placing his hand on one of her crisscrossed legs.

″I can smell the flowers, probably roses. And somehow there's the smell of scented candle mixed in the air,″ she told him. ″And I can smell your cologne. I guess that's my favorite smell of all of them,″ she smiled faintly.

″Your perfume is way better,″ Jay chuckled. ″Is that all you can smell?″

″Uhm, yeah...I guess...?″ she more asked than said.

″Okay. Then what do you feel?″

″Other than your hand on my thigh and the heat radiating from your body?″ she laughed and parts of this laugh almost sounded like her real laugh that he hasn't heard in ages.

″Yep, other than that,″ Jay laughed along with her.

″Huh,″ she breathed out, her hand stroking over the grass. ″Our lawn needs to get mowed,″ she smirked and explored the area around her further, her hand finding the petals of a rose. ″This could be a flower,″ she said. ″Or rather a petal. Probably of a rose?″

″You're good, babe.″

″I know,″ she answered dryly. ″Glad we agree on that.″

″Let's see how good your hearing is,″ Jay chuckled. ″What do you hear?″

She was silent for a moment, once again taking her surroundings in with her ears. ″I can hear an owl or something. But it's far away,″ she said. ″And the crickets seem as close that they probably already plan on attacking us,″ she added and then listened some more. ″There's a soft breeze making the trees whisper and...oh my god, did one of these stupid wild geese just fall into the lake?″ she laughed when just in this moment it sounded like someone was throwing a big stone in the lake – or, like Erin had just concluded – those geese were just landing on the water.

″Could be,″ Jay laughed as well. They hadn't had any geese here in years and Jay'd already celebrated the fact that they seemed to be gone. But this year they were back and they could be quite noisy sometimes, interrupting the peaceful silence they usually were surrounded with. At least Crispin had a lot of fun with chasing them and they both hoped that their loyal dog could probably send them fleeing for good.

″At least they keep their mouths shut tonight,″ she muttered under her breath.

″Don't jinx it,″ Jay chuckled, only waiting now that their winged friends would start to talk any second. ″Is there anything else you can hear?″

″Not really. Should there be?″ she shrugged.

″Naah, I guess it's fine for now,″ he answered and reached for the picnic basket with all the little bowls. ″Open your mouth.″

″What?″

″Open your mouth,″ Jay repeated his words with a soft laugh. ″Come on babe, I won't feed you grilled crickets.″

″You better won't,″ she warned him and reluctantly opened her mouth, feeling slightly stupid by sitting there, blindfolded and with her mouth wide open.

″Just like you concentrated on what you felt, heard or smelled, I now want you to completely concentrate on what you taste, okay?″

Only now it clicked what he was doing, what this was all about. After telling him that everything kind of tasted the same for her, that she couldn't see the bright colors of their surroundings anymore, this was his attempt of bringing her senses back to life. He was taking the things she currently struggled with to turn them back into something beautiful. And he did that in the softest, most well sophisticated way which made her fall in love with him even more.

She didn't deserve this man. But damn did she need him.

″Okay,″ she whispered when her voice made a comeback but she was still overwhelmed by this deep love that was still there. Even though she couldn't give him more kids. Even though she'd hurt him more than ever before when she'd more or less moved out a couple of weeks back. Even though all the tenderness they've been sharing in weeks were short pecks and occasional kisses that were a little more than pecks. Even though for months she's not been the woman he'd fallen in love with.

Somewhere deep down inside though, she still didn't feel completely worthy of his love. This, however, was a feeling she managed to ignore tonight. Because the feeling of being this loved outweighed everything else.

″Here,″ Jay said, feeding her with a piece of feta cheese, mild jalapeno and olive. ″How's that?″

″Good,″ she said, chewing on the food.

″And what did you just eat there?″

″Definitely feta cheese and some jalapeno and the third thing...I don't know, probably olive?″ she asked.

″Jackpot,″ he smiled brightly – although she of course couldn't see how his smile stretched from one ear to the other - and like this, they continued this little game. Jay gave her all kinds of small delicacies, like cantaloupe with gammon, avocado with tomato, hummus with bread, strawberries with chocolate or grapes with macadamia nuts. She guessed them all right.

″Now tell me in all honesty, did anything taste the same tonight? Or like nothing?″ he asked in the end.

″No,″ she answered instantly. ″Food hasn't tasted as good in a while. And I still have no idea how you did that, but thank you.″

″Always,″ Jay whispered and his hands traveled up to her cheeks, his lips finding hers before he untied the scarf.

She had to blink a couple of times to clear her vision and once she could take her surroundings in, her eyes met a sea of rose petals and lanterns that surrounded their little picnic area.

″Wow,″ she murmured in awe. ″This is so beautiful.″

″Happy anniversary, Er,″ he smiled and gave her lips another short kiss.

The first year of their marriage had been one with up's and down's. They'd been at the brightest and highest peak and they'd been in the darkest and deepest valley. They'd laughed, they'd cried, they'd loved, they'd fought. They'd almost lost it all. And they were still far away from being recovered, still far away from how things had been before that fateful day in late April when fate robbed them off their child they'd never met. But they've made it here. They were here. Together. Walking this long road, they still had ahead, by each other's side. And this was absolutely all that mattered.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The days that followed were characterized by joy and happiness, by laughters that seemed real and eyes that seemed to sparkle along with the water of Lake Lindsay and exactly those days made them breathe again, made them live in the moment and push all their problems and sorrows about Justin's uncertain condition far far away. They went for hikes in the area to discover new waterfalls and even some small canyon or just relaxed by the lake or in the garden, Emmy's Bobbycar and her new big unicorn being her favorite toys, that along with her best friend Crispin and her parents's full attention kept her happy and smiley all day.

One day Jay went fishing – other than his emphatic try to ice-fish last winter he was successful this time - and prepared his grandfather's famous salmon dish in the evening, the two of them eating too much for their own goods and Erin was sure that food hasn't tasted as good in months. They repaired Jay's old treehouse in the woods, working together hand-in-hand while always keeping an eye on Crispin and Emilia who were playing in the mud and in the end, there was a fancy new treehouse by the creek and Jay already dreamed about adding a slide and a swing next time to make this the coolest treehouse in history.

Other than spending as much time as possible outside, they cooked and baked together, built marble runs and towers with wooden bricks and read Emilia at least two stories a day, enjoying and appreciating every second they could spend with their daughter.

As usual, they visited their neighbor Bill, where Emmy once again got the chance to ride one of the ponies, and leaving the ranch in the late afternoon after coffee and pie with ice cream ended in a terrible meltdown because Emilia rather wanted to stay with all the horses, cats, dogs and chicken. Those tears were already forgotten on the following day, when their garden and the lake provided enough adventure for the one-and-a-half year-old, Erin keeping Emilia entertained or napping with her in the hammock while Jay did some gardening and weeding or chopped wood for the following winter. Because of course they would come back to this place they called home.

One day they woke up to rain but since a little rain never did any damage, they still went outside with Emilia, who had absolutely no trouble with playing in the rain. Only when it really started to pour down with all gates open, they went back inside and it was while preparing lunch that they saw a black bear casually strolling through their garden and stealing apples from their apple tree and next to being afraid that they're little adventurer would discover the lake and could therefore drown, they now had a second reason to never leave her and Crispin unattened in their garden.

As the weather still wasn't better in the afternoon, they played hide and seek, Erin and Emilia being the ones to look for Jay, who was hiding somewhere in the cabin.

″Where could daddy be, Em?″ Erin asked her daughter as they looked for him in the bedroom without being successful.

″Daddy?″ Emilia called, walking around the bed.

″I don't think he's here,″ she said. ″Maybe we should check the bathroom, okay?″

″Yaah,″ Emmy nodded eagerly and walked to the bathroom.

Erin opened the door for her and as soon as Emmy's eyes found her father hiding in the bathtub, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. The adoration this girl had for her father was the most beautiful thing to see. Emilia was definitely a daddy's girl and Jay was her hero, which Erin couldn't even blame her for.

″Daddyyyyyy,″ she squealed and Jay quickly got on his feet so he could pick her up and swirl her through the air.

″Hey princess,″ Jay laughed. ″You found me,″ he cheered and lifted her up over his head. ″Now we only have to find Crispin.″

″Cis,″ Emmy babbled. Crispin was still too difficult of a word for her, so she currently called him Cis.

Together they looked for Crispin, finding him in Emilia's room where Jay'd told him to hide, and they kept on playing this game for the whole afternoon, Emilia and Erin hiding from Jay or searching for him or Jay and Emmy searching for Erin or hiding from her. Those were the days, the moments, when all that mattered was what they had, not what they'd lost.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

It happened on the last evening before they had to leave their personal paradise and it didn't come as a surprise that the bliss of the previous days made it into their bedroom, that their kiss for goodnight got deeper and was suddenly as hot and passionate that Jay could already feel his body react to it. With Erin, he's never needed much but due to the lack of physical contact in over three months, some hot kisses were enough to make his errection grow rapidly.

He wanted her. He needed her. And it wasn't until his hand started to play with the waistband of her panties, his cock already throbbing against her thigh through the fabric of his boxers, that the kisses were suddenly one-sided.

″I can't,″ she murmured quietly, not daring to look him in the eyes when those words left her lips. ″I'm sorry,″ she whispered almost inaudible and used his moment of confusion to turn away from him.

It took Jay everything not to sigh in frustration but he was miraculously able to keep himself under control despite everything that happened inside of his body in this moment. ″There's nothing you have to be sorry for,″ he said softly and grabbed her by her shoulder to turn her back around so she had to face him. ″It's okay.″

″No,″ she shook her head. ″It's not.″ There were tears looming in her eyes, he could even see them in the darkness of the room. ″I'm your wife. You shouldn't be forced to...to get relief in a different way.″

″I'll wait, Er,″ he said emphatically. ″I'll wait until you're ready for this kind of intimacy.″

Once again she realized that she didn't deserve this man. Not at all. ″Huh,″ she only shrugged in response, not allowing the tears to fall, and they fell into silence.

″I...uhm...I'll go to the bathroom real quick,″ he mumbled awkwardly and got up.

″Maybe we should just...I mean...you could...I'm here and...″ she rambled.

″Er,″ Jay said softly and sat back down on the edge of the bed. ″I will never force myself on you. Never.″

It was a promise. A promise that once again showed all the love he had for her. Yet, it didn't have the power to make her feel better. It only made her feel worse. So much worse. And in this moment, she promised herself something: that she would tell him why she couldn't sleep with him as soon as he returned from taking a cold shower in the bathroom. Which she then did when he was lying next to her again.

″I feel like I'm a failure,″ she whispered into the darkness, staring at the ceiling.

″You're not a failure,″ Jay disagreed instantly.

″I am,″ she disagreed. ″Because my body can't do what it's supposed to do.″

″Erin-″

″It rejected our baby,″ she interrupted him, her bitter voice trembling. ″I hate my body.″

Suddenly, it all made even more sense. This was the main reason why the possible reunion of their bodies had ended with him taking a cold shower instead of burying himself inside of her. She hated her body for what it had done to her, to them. And so she couldn't accept him loving her body, him using this body that rejected their baby, to make love to her, the result being her rejecting him as well. Although this intimacy was probably long overdue for any kind of emotional healing.

″I don't,″ he answered honestly. ″Because beyond all the reasons you have to hate your body, it helped to create the greatest gift I've ever been blessed with. This body grew a baby for more than 9 months and then birthed it into the world all happy and healthy. So I can't ever hate something that did something so good and so magical.″

Her answer was silence and she seemed to consider his words. This was at least what Jay thought. But when the next words left her lips, he couldn't help but wonder whether she'd accepted any of the words he'd said because she seemed to ignore all of them.

″Maybe we jinxed it,″ she said completely off-topic. ″On New Years Eve,″ she clarified. ″Maybe we jinxed it when we said that 2018 can't possibly be any better than 2017.″

Maybe we did, Jay thought but abstained from speaking it out loud.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Not all of these little steps that they'd taken while being away in Wisconsin seemed to have been for nothing. But definitely some of them and Jay constantly had the feeling that whenever they took one step forward, something came up soon after that made them take two steps back.

And it was a couple of days after returning home to Chicago, when Will delivered him some exciting news that he knew in the moment those words left his brother's lips, they would very soon probably go 100 steps back. Or even more.

He was going to be an uncle. And Erin an aunt. Emmy would get another cousin. Because Natalie was pregnant, the birth of the newest Halstead-member expected in March, not exactly planned but definitely wanted and mostly welcome. And while this would usually be a joyous ocassion for the whole family, Jay couldn't do anything against the feeling of getting stabbed right into the heart, the air trapping in his lungs by the thought what this would do to Erin. He'd been able to help her to breathe again but as he hugged his brother and congratulated him – because beyond his own heartbreak he was of course happy for him as this was the greatest gift in life and Will and Natalie deserved all the happiness – he feared that she would soon drown...

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked this chapter! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! I hope to be able to update again soon because the next chapter is one I'm looking forward to share with you...you'll see whether that's a good or a bad thing, haha!