85. Mood Swings

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85. Mood Swings

March in Chicago was usually the time of the year where last signs of winter and first signs of spring collided and fought against each other and some days winter would win the battle and turn the whole city into winterwonderland once more while sometimes spring beat winter, making some days pleasantly sunny and warm after another long, cold winter. And March 2018 was exactly that, a constant mix between snow and sun, warm and cold, almost like the third month of the year had some split personality and couldn't decide whether it wanted to be a nice or ugly month. For Erin and Jay spring couldn't come soon enough so Emmy's and Luke's backyard adventures in the big sandbox wouldn't end with these two rascals covered in mud and dirt, that usually also found their way into their house, no matter that rain pants and rain jackets covered in sand were taken off before anyone stepped inside the living room. Walking through their living and dining room and kitchen after these two had spent time outside, their socks always found the sand that should actually be outside. It was another thing to add to the long list of things that couldn't be avoided with having a one-year-old and a five-year-old.

It was a Tuesday evening almost three weeks after Justin had left when Jay came back home from work around 9pm and found his wife sleeping on the couch, Crispin lying by her side, his head resting on her stomach, the TV still running. He looked at her for a moment, a smile forming in the corners of his lips, and then decided to let her sleep. Heading to the kitchen he heated up what was left from dinner and while he digged into the chili to satisfy his empty stomach, he heard Crispin jumping down from the couch and seconds later, Erin joined him on the dining table.

″Hey sleepyhead,″ Jay grinned when she sat down next to him.

″Hey workaholic,″ she grinned back and kissed his cheek.

″How was the rest of your day since you left the bullpen?″ he asked, putting another spoonful of Chili into his mouth.

″Insane,″ she answered dryly.

″How's that?″ he raised his eyebrow at her.

″I picked Emmy up from Carol and Luke from preschool and once I was home, I started with dinner. When Rylie came home from Med, she went outside with them and they played in the sandbox for a while. By the time dinner was ready, they were still outside and Emmy threw a tantrum when I wanted to carry her inside because she wanted to stay in the sandbox. Then during dinner, she threw her bowl on the floor because she didn't want to eat and only when I bathed her she seemed to be back being herself and not a little nightmare,″ Erin sighed with a small laughter. ″Tucking her in took forever and once she was finally sleeping, I came back downstairs to clean the mess of sand and food in our entire living and dining room. Seriously, I didn't even have time for Luke. How do parents handle a life with more than one kid on a day like today?″

″I think they just try to survive,″ Jay chuckled.

″Well, good news is, I survived,″ she said and ran her hand through her hair. ″This day just killed me. First chasing this idiot through a dozen alleys this morning and then Emilia throwing two tantrums in fifteen minutes. Welcome to the life as a working mom.″

″Come on babe, it's not this bad every day,″ Jay winked, placing his hand on her thigh supportingly.

″Yeah, thank God it's not or I would quit on either the working part or the mom part,″ she joked.

″Uhm guys,″ Rylie's voice suddenly appeared from the doorframe and their heads spun around as they haven't heard her coming at all.

″Ry,″ Erin said, scanning the young girl who looked like she had something on her chest. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yeah, everything is fine,″ she answered instantly. ″There's just something I need to tell you,″ she added and bit her lip with her teeth.

She was fired. She did something stupid. She failed a class. Those were the first things that rushed through Erin's mind by Rylie's choice of words and for some reason, she assumed the worst, assumed that Rylie would break news to them they didn't want to hear.

″Take a seat,″ Jay said, motioning his head to the empty chair across them.

″Thanks,″ she smiled nervously. ″It's nothing bad, okay? You can breathe.″

″Yeah, we'll see whether I can breathe once you told me what's going on,″ Erin answered dryly and she could tell that Rylie had to give her best to not roll her eyes by this statement.

″Whatever,″ Rylie shrugged instead. ″You guys know that as from April I'm allowed to spend the weekends alone with Luke and probably in May or June I will get custody back, of course only under certain conditions.″

″We know that. Two weeks ago, Clara talked about it with us,″ Jay confirmed.

″Good, that's good,″ Rylie nodded. ″The thing is, now that it seems like it's all working out for me...″ she said and then took a deep breath. ″I can't live here forever. At some point I need to have my own place. For me and Luke. And it turns out that there's a perfect opportunity coming up.″

″What does that mean?″ Erin frowned.

″Kim is moving in with Adam by the end of this month and I could have her apartment. She would even leave me all her furniture and stuff she doesn't need and I will pay her for it in a couple of years. She talked with her landlord and he would be fine with me moving in. I also talked with Clara and she thinks that it's a great idea to have my own place before Luke permanently lives with me,″ she explained with a smile and if she'd expected Erin to flung her arms around her and tell her how proud she was, she was being disappointed now.

Erin's face was almost scarily unimpressed by these plans and Jay only had to look at his wife to figure out that she wasn't a fan of this. At all.

″Okaaaay,″ Erin breathed out. ″Let me ask you a couple of questions about this brilliant plan.″

″Sure,″ Rylie nodded but insecurity started to overshadow her face by Erin's sudden change of attitude.

″Rent.″ She almost threw this word at her. ″Let's talk about rent. How will you pay rent and have enough money for food and everything else you need?″

″I saved the money I've earned since January, so that will cover the living costs for now and the money I make at Med will cover the rent. I will start working weekends and nightshifts because that's part of the job and it gives more money and Goodwin-″

″Hold on,″ Erin said, her voice rising. ″So basically within two minutes you went from being allowed to spend weekends with Luke and eventually getting him back permanently to work weekends and nights,″ she noticed, a whole lot of challenge in her voice as she asked: ″So tell me how does that fit together? Because you sure as hell can't leave your son alone during the night or over the weekend. Been there done that, huh?″

″Erin,″ Jay said with a voice that should signalise her that she was going too far. Whatever was going on with her right now, this was not her usual self.

″Huh, wow,″ she murmured and shook her head slightly. ″I know that I made mistakes, Erin. And you can trust me when I tell you that I'll never make them again. I learned my lessons, mainly thanks to you. So no, I will not leave Luke alone. I thought that's where you guys come in, where you can support me like you promised. The nights and the weekends that I have to work, he can stay with you. He loves you and he adores Emilia and you did so much for him and even with us not living here anymore, you will be an important part of his life. I also talked that through with Clara and she thinks that's a great way to keep everyone involved.″

″I have to agree with Clara. It's a great plan with benefits for all of us,″ Jay threw in, hoping that Erin would agree on that but it seemed like for whatever reason, his wife was on the warpath today.

″It's the stupidest plan I've heard in a long time. And I have to listen to a lot of crap every day,″ Erin snapped.

″You're not being reasonable right now,″ Rylie fired back.

″I'm the one not being reasonable?″ Erin echoed and raised from her chair. ″If you want Luke to grow up being shunted between you and us, be my guest. You're an adult. It's your child. And apparently it's your decision.″ With these words she turned around on her heals and stormed out of the dining room, leaving a perplex Jay and Rylie back.

″What the hell was that?″ Jay murmured out loud what he was thinking and he couldn't believe what just had gone down here. This was more than Erin having gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

″I should probably talk to her next week, when she's not having her period,″ Rylie noticed dryly, trying to hide how much Erin's behavior actually hurt her.

″It's not been easy for her since Justin left,″ Jay tried to explain and justify her behavior because this was the only explanation he had. ″Cut her some slack.″

″Jay, we all have our package to carry,″ Rylie noticed. ″I know Justin being deployed is hard for her but come on, you gotta admit that she's been in a terrifying mood lately.″

″Yeah,″ Jay nodded. ″She's edgy.″

″Edgy,″ Rylie echoed. ″She didn't even want to listen to what else I wanted to say,″ she said quietly, her voice breaking.

″Is this about Goodwin?″ he asked.

″You recognized that?″ Rylie asked, her face lighting up.

″Of course I did,″ he grinned. ″I'm not that bad at catching up on such things.″

″Well, then you deserve to hear it firsthand,″ she smiled back at him. ″Next to my highschool classes, I already started on some online college classes from nursing school three weeks ago and those classes are paid by Chicago Med. They gave me a scholarship which means I will continue to work there beyond my internship until I'm a fully trained nurse. I always waited for the right moment to tell Erin but it just never came.″

″Rylie, that's amazing,″ Jay beamed. ″Am I allowed to be proud of you and hug you?″

″I guess,″ Rylie smiled back faintly. She still wasn't used to others being proud of her although by now this was a regular circumstance.

Jay got up from his chair and pulled the blonde girl into a hug. ″I promise I will talk to Erin and we will figure this out.″

″Thank you,″ Rylie answered after the hug and then admitted: ″You know, no fight with my mom ever felt as bad as this one with Erin.″

″Hey, this is not on you, okay?″

″I know. But Erin is the reason I'm here today. She made all of this happen and it just feels wrong to end a day like this.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″I'm such a bitch.″ Those were the words Erin welcomed him with when he joined her in their bedroom where she was pacing up and down in front of their dresser and wardrobe.

″I hate to say that, I really do, but I honstely have to agree with you,″ Jay answered.

″Does she hate me now?″ Erin asked without stoping to pace.

″No,″ Jay denied. ″Hate is such a strong word.″

″I wouldn't blame her,″ she shrugged.

″She's hurt,″ he told her and then approached her to make her stop pacing around like some apathetic zoo animal. ″Erin stop.″ He grabbed her by her shoulders and then pushed her back down on their bed.

″What was going on down there?″ he asked as he knelt down in front of her, his hands finding spots on her knees.

″I don't know,″ she answered and bit her lip.

″Help me to understand...Luke staying in our lives is exactly what we wanted so I don't know how you can find this idea anything but perfect for all of us,″ Jay said all calm, his confusion about her demeanor still written all over his face.

″It is perfect,″ Erin agreed and inhaled a deep breath. ″But maybe I'm not ready to think about Luke not being here every day anymore. Maybe I'm not ready for Rylie not living here anymore. Those two, they are family.″

″I think that's something you should tell Rylie, babe,″ Jay encouraged her.

″I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't want to see my right now,″ she admitted. ″Jeez, I errupted like some volcano in Iceland that hasn't errupted for two hundred years and I don't even know why.″

″Honestly, that's something I'm still looking for an explanation for as well, but if you don't know I doubt I'll ever find one,″ Jay said with a chuckle accompanied by his trademark smirk.

″It's just been a lot lately and I had a bad day with this idiot this morning and Emmy's tantrums and I'm honestly just beat,″she tried to explain herself.

″I know you are,″ he said and got up a little so he could kiss her forehead. ″But the thing with Rylie, that's something you shouldn't postpone to tomorrow.″ He reached for her hand and pulled her up into his arms, kissing her lips softly when she stood in front of him.

″Thank you for loving me even on the days I'm not actually lovable and hate everything, even myself,″ she smiled faintly.

″Hey, that's my job as your husband,″ he winked. ″Loving you when you hate yourself and making sure that this changes again. And you being this kind of nightmare doesn't change my love for you.″

Her heart melted by his words and she thanked him with another kiss before she excused herself to go downstairs and make things right with Rylie. In the kitchen, she grabbed a container of cookie-dough-chocolate-chip icecream from the freezer and two spoons from the cutlery drawer and with her heart pouding in her chest nervously, she knocked on Rylie's door, knowing from hearing the TV that the 21-year-old was still awake.

″Yeah?″

″Rylie, it's me. Can I come in?″ she asked, not wanting to step into her room without permission.

Silence was followed by a weak ″yeah, come in″ and Erin let out a breath she didn't know she's been holding. She pushed the door open and found Rylie sitting on her bed cross-legged and after hesitating for a moment, she decided to sit down on the edge of the bed.

″This your peace offering?″ Rylie asked, motioning her head to the ice-container in Erin's hand.

″No. That's part of my apology,″ Erin answered. ″Rylie, I'm so so sorry. What I said...that wasn't fair in any way. My behavior wasn't fair. It was plain mean and I can't think what came over me. I know I hurt you and believe me, that wasn't my intention. I'm sorry,″ she apologized again and her voice was trembling.

″Erin,″ Rylie sighed. ″What's been going on with you lately? One moment you freak out over nothing and the next moment you're back being the sweet person I idolize so much.″

″If I had an answer to that question, I would do something about it. But I honestly don't know. It's all just a lot these days. Justin lives in a warzone, work is crazy and Emmy is throwing one tantrum after the other. Every little thing that goes wrong brings me close to freaking out and I don't know why. But I promise I will give my best to fight against these mood swings,″ Erin smiled faintly.

″Yeah, that would be awesome,″ Rylie agreed, adding with a small smile: ″Because I want to have my chill Erin back.″

″I'll work on that. As from Thursday, Cruz's zumba class finally resumes, so that might help,″ she shrugged and she really looked forward to burn off energy to hip music again. She's missed spending one day a week with her friends while doing this sport she'd never thought she would love as much. ″You wanna join? Natalie, Kim, Sylvie, Maggie and Sarah will be there as well.″

″Sounds like fun. I'll definitely consider it,″ Rylie grinned. ″And I guess I will need it in case we kill that ice-cream now.″

″Nah,″ Erin chuckled and handed her a spoon so they could dig in before the ice would melt. ″Who's counting calories anyway?″

″If I'd start counting calories I had to stop eating all this sweet stuff I can't live without,″ Rylie laughed. ″So cheers.″

″Cheers,″ Erin grinned and digged in as well.

Other than some mmmmhhhh's they ate the icecream in silence, a conversation that needed to be made still in the air, and eventually, Rylie asked the one question that's been on her mind ever since Erin had stormed out of the room after their fight. ″Do you really think moving out is a stupid idea?″

″No,″ Erin answered instantly and gulped down her icecream so she could explain herself. ″Not at all. I've known that this day would come. That you would move out. That Luke would move out. And it anway took me by surprise. I'm so used to you guys being around, to watch a movie with you in the evenings when Jay's not home, to bake cakes with you and the kids. You and Luke, you're family. And I'm probably just not ready to let this part of my family go.″

″Erin,″ Rylie whispered, her voice emotional, tears forming in her eyes.

″Don't you dare to cry or I'll cry with you,″ Erin chuckled slightly. ″I'm proud of you, Ry. You made it and you're so ready for this new chapter of your life. I guess it's just me who's not.″

″Believe me, I'm a nervous wreck thinking about living on my own and not having you around. These last few months, you not only gave Luke and me a family, you've been there for me when I needed you and other than a role-model, you're like a big sister for me. And I will need your support in the years to come. Just because Luke and I don't live here anymore doesn't mean we're out of your life. You will stay one of the most important persons in our lives. Forever. And when I need advice, you will be the first person I ask. When I'm sad, you'll be the first I come to because it's not like Luke and I move to another city. You now have bear with us,″ she said with a laughter in the end, some single tears streaming not only down her cheeks but Erin's as well.

″There's no one I'd rather bear with,″ Erin winked and wiped her tears away before they both continued to empty the icecream container while Rylie finally told her about the scholarship from Chicago Med, about staying there beyond her internship and about working on the Labor & Delivery floor for the next two weeks, the last few days working there making her consider to specialize into midwifery.

Erin's mood swings from earlier seemed to be forgotten and she was back being the person Rylie cherished as much, the two of them talking almost until midnight before they realized how late it was and that they only had around six hours of sleep left before their merciless alarms would end the night unpleasantly early.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Old blood was surely one of the most disgusting smells in the world and it was on Monday of the last week of March when the Intelligence unit found the bodies of five hispanic women with cut throats during a bust, the lifeless bodies basically swimming in blood that seemed to be about a day old. Not only did those pictures burn into everyone's head, the nauseating, revolting smell invaded their nostrils, making them all swallow hardly as they covered their mouths with their hands, Erin's stomach turning to a point where she was sure she couldn't keep her breakfast down any longer.

″I gotta get out of here,″ she said through gritted teeth, trying to breathe through her mouth and not through her nose, and then turned around on her heels to storm out of the warehouse building to get some fresh air and avoid throwing up in front of her team.

″Uuuh, I guess someone's throwing up,″ Adam grinned dorkily.

″Can you blame her?″ Jay raised his eyebrow at his younger colleague. They were all battling against this sickening feeling in their stomachs, Adam was just trying to be funny anyway, which was something he almost had to give him credit for. ″I go and check on her.″

He found her in front of the building, doubling over and emptying the contents of her stomach into some bushes and of course he was by her side in a heartbeat. Since he couldn't rub soothing circles onto her back due to the vest she was wearing, he placed his hand on her neck and massaged it gently.

″You alright?″ he asked and handed her a tissue once she seemed to be done.

″Not right now but I will be,″ she answered and let him guide her to some rock where she could sit down while he went to the 300 to grab a bottle of water.

″You look like a ghost,″ he noticed when he returned and handed her the bottle.

″Why, thank you. Isn't that what every woman wants to hear?″ she asked and rolled her eyes at him, taking a long gulp of water to swallow the disgusting taste down. ″I just hate the smell of old blood. And there was like a lake of old blood in there.″

″I know. My stomach wasn't happy either. So thanks for giving me a reason to get out of there,″ he chuckled.

″You're welcome,″ she laughed, the color slowly returning to her face and being up for jokes seemed to be a good sign.

″You feeling better?″

″Yeah. I just don't wanna go back in there,″ she grimaced.

″You will totally stay here,″ Jay ordered. ″I will go back in and tell them you're alright.″

″Okay,″ she nodded. ″We happen to have one of these chocolate bars in the car?″

″You serious?″ Jay frowned by her being able to eat something now. And by her new addiction to this new creation of chocolate bars. She'd first discovered them two weeks ago, when they'd been grocery shopping, and by now they were not only constantly to be found in their fridge at home but also in the fridge at work and in the 300.

″Absolutely,″ she smirked sweetly. ″I could really use some sugar right now.″

″The addiction you have to those chocolate bars is probably not healthy but whatever you want,″ he laughed and went to the car to get her the chocolate bar her body currently craved for.

″Thanks, babe,″ she smiled at him and while Jay went back inside to work the case, she stayed sitting on the rock, drinking her water and eating her chocolate bar, her stomach completely settled by the time her team members were ready to roll back to the precinct to put the puzzle pieces of this case together.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Their case quickly turned out to be connected to some Columbian heroin ring and so the following days consisted of the Intelligence team working together with Narcotics as close as never before and although there didn't seem to be a whole lot of sympathy for each other, especially because Intelligence had their own way to handle things, they solved the case after four endless days. In favor to help busting the drug ring, Erin even worked on Thursday, the day she usually had off, but she was glad when everything was done in the afternoon so she could still spend some time with her daughter before the zumba class tonight. In return, Hank anyway allowed her to stay home on the following day and Erin of course agreed on that. She needed her day at home, not only to spend time with her daughter but also to do any kind of housewifely stuff.

″God, this Narcotics sergeant was a real bitch,″ Adam said when the young folks returned to the bullpen after their successful bust, everyone settling on their desks to finish up their reports and go home early.

″So a female cop outranking you is automatically a bitch just because she's at a point in her career where you might never be?″ Erin asked, her voice snappishly, and suddenly all eyes were on her. Not because they expected another of their famous, funny verbal fights but because Erin has been a little edgy lately, her mood changing from good to bad and back from bad to good in the split of a second, and they might needed to support their male colleague and calm their female one down.

″What? I didn't say that,″ Adam defended himself. ″But come on, nothing we did was right, she was just yelling at us, was mean in any way and couldn't even say thank you that we helped her team of idiots to close a case they've been dealing with for two years.″

″Doesn't make her a bitch, does it?″ Erin fired back.

″Geeee Erin, yesterday you said yourself that she's quite something. And not in a good way,″ Adam said. ″What's your damn problem now?″

″My problem are men like you, that refer to women that don't act in the way the male world prefers them to, as bitches,″ she snorted and got up from her chair, ready to storm out of here and leave her paper work to the others because she didn't have the nerve to keep this conversation going. ″And you know: you saying something like that makes me wonder whether I'm just one of these bitches for you as well,″ she snapped at him, shooting him a glare that could easily put him six feet under and then left by storming out off the bullpen.

″You know what: right now you might as well are!″ Adam called after her.

″Adam!″ Jay called and once more he was trying to process what had just gone down here.

″No Jay, this is not on me,″ Adam said furiously. ″And honestly, do something about that. Take her out for some fancy dinner or just fuck her, I don't care! Do whatever you need to do because I will sure as hell kill her soon if someone can't already get those mood swings under control.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Before Erin left for the zumba class in the evening, her mood was back to normal and after considering Adam's advice, or however one should call it, Jay approached her while she was changing into her sports gear, the idea of taking her out for some fancy dinner not the worst as it's all been a lot lately and she really seemed to be stressed out to the max. Leaning on the doorframe of their bathroom, he watched her pulling her hair up in a high ponytail and he couldn't hold back the smile on his face when his eyes took her in because regardless that her character resembled the one of a beast these days, she was still the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on.

When Erin turned her head around and saw him staring at her, her cheeks immediately blushed a little. ″Stop staring,″ she grinned.

″You're my wife, I'm allowed to stare,″ Jay smirked.

″Is that so?″ she raised her eyebrows at him as she approached him, her hands tugging on his shirt once she stood in front of him.

″Yup,″ he simply answered and pressed a kiss against her lips. ″By the way, tomorrow night is date night. You and me, some fancy food, a stroll along the lakefront to the planetarium...we haven't done that in way too long, so you in?″ he asked with a wink.

″What kind of question is that even?″ she chuckled raspily. ″Hell yes, I'm in.″

″Good. I wouldn't have accepted a different answer anyway,″ he laughed and melted his lips with hers again.

While Erin and Rylie were at the zumba class, Jay stayed at home to be the doting dad, although his task mainly consisted of tucking both, Emmy and Luke in since it was bedtime already.

″Okay Luke, today it's your turn to choose a book,″ Jay said after finding both of the kids in Luke's room, wearing their pajamas and playing peacefully together.

″Can we read from the pirate book?″ Luke and pirates, this obsession was probably unhealthy and seeing his face lighting up whenever the word pirate came up was the cutest.

″Of course we can,″ he smiled.

″Can we read it in my pirate fort?″

″Sure,″ Jay confirmed. For weeks, half of Luke's room has consisted of a big fort that he of course called the pirate fort and he spent quite some time in there.

″Will you wear a pirate hat and do all the things with your voice?″ Yes, Jay was definitely the king of bedtime stories since he always tried to imitate the voices of the characters differently.

″What? You mean like the parrot?″ Jay asked, imitating the parrots croaking voice.

″Yaaah,″ Luke giggled, a beaming smile on his face.

″Shouldn't be a problem,″ he smiled. ″Where's the book?″

″I think in mommy's room downstairs. She read me a story from it last night.″

″Okay, then you get the book and Emmy and I settle in your fort already. And don't forget the flashlight.″

″Okay,″ he nodded eagerly and ran out of his room.

″Come on Em, let's get into that fort,″ he picked her up and carried her to the fort, this cozy place with all the pillows and blankets on the floor.

He sat down and settled the 14 month-old in his lap, Crispin joining them for bedtime stories as well, the black-and-white dog resting his head on Jay's legs.

″Sorry bug, no story about princesses tonight,″ Jay said and kissed his daughter's hair.

″No no,″ Emmy answered.

″But pirates aren't that bad either, are they?″

Instead of answering this question, Emilia pointed at Crispin and babbled: ″Dog.″ This was the latest addition to her vocabulary. Daaaa had turned into dog, making this the sixth word she could say without a problem next to mama, dada, no, ball and yaah.

″Yes exactly, that's our dog. Crispin,″ Jay smiled proudly. ″You might need a while until you can say that.″

″Dada,″ Emilia said, turning her head to him and this bright smile on her face had the ability to make his heart melt every time. This adorable little girl surely had him wrapped around her finger and there was nothing he could do about it.

″Yes, I'm your daddy,″ he grinned. This little person calling him daddy was definitely one of the best goddamn feelings in the world. ″And your daddy loves you so much.″

With book and flashlight in his hands, Luke returned a minute later. Snuggled into Jay's side, he held the flashlight so Jay could read and for the next thirty minutes both kids were mesmerized by pirate Pete, his parrot and their adventures on the sea. With Emilia sitting in his lap, his hand resting on her tummy, and with his other arm wrapped around Luke, he once more realized that this was the absolute best life and that there was nothing that has ever fulfilled him more than being a father. He only wished he could have moments like this more often because they filled his heart with a joy that no words did justice.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

He was in his mancave, watching some game on his 65-inch flatscreen, a bag of nachos and a bottle of beer on the coffee table in front of him, when Erin returned from her zumba class, as always looking completely beat but also satisfied, some strands of her hair falling into her face, her ponytail a mess and her cheeks flushed.

″You could blow off some steam?″ Jay laughed when she joined him in his mancave and fell on the couch like a bag of potatoes.

″Hell yeah,″ she chuckled. ″Cruz really picked up the speed now that we're all not beginners anymore. You should join some time,″ she joked.

″Zumba? No thank you,″ he laughed. ″I rather keep on lifting weights and do that kind of stuff because I know my wife likes the outcome.″

She turned her head to him and he was sure to see some passion flashing up in her eyes, that roamed his body, knowing exactly what was hidden underneath the shirt. A perfectly toned body that had the ability to make her knees weak whenever it was not covered by fabric.

″Yeah, I guess I like that,″ she answered, her voice low and husky and when he'd expected her to tackle him so they could do on this couch what they'd done almost two years back when Emilia had been conceived, he was being disappointed because she simply got up, telling him: ″I need to take a shower, I smell like...well not nice in general.″

″It's not that bad,″ Jay winked.

″It is,″ she winked back but reaching the doorframe, she turned around to him again, a sweet and ever so innocent smile on her face when she asked: ″Care to join?″

This time it was on him to answer with the words: ″What kind of question is that even?″ He jumped up from the couch in literal lightspeed and after worshipping her body under the shower, while the hot water ran down their backs, he was sure that this had blown off some steam as well because it had been a hell of a ride, one that had them left more breathless and panting than usual, the running water thankfully drowning their voices as much that they didn't have to be scared of Rylie catching up on their evening activities in their bathroom.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Say byebye daddy,″ Erin said on the following morning, holding Emilia's hand as they both stood on the porch to wave Jay goodbye as he left for work. ″And byebye Luke and Rylie.″ On his way to the precinct he dropped Luke off at preschool and Rylie at Med. While in the beginning they'd wanted the young girl to get to Med herself, by bus and train, simply because they wanted her to get more independent, they now had no problem of taking her there in the mornings because Rylie has grown a lot in the last few months since living with them.

″Ba,″ Emilia said, her attempt of saying goodbye being adorable.

″Yeah, almost, Emmy,″ Erin cheered and with holding her hand, they walked back inside to start another housewifely day. While changing Emmy from her pajamas in some normal clothes, she told her about her plans for the day, that consisted of going for a walk with Crispin, changing the sheets in the bedroom, preparing lunch that Rylie, Luke, Emmy and Robert could also eat tonight when she and Jay were out for some fancy dinner, and then going grocery shopping to buy her chocolate bars on that occasion as well.

″You want to stay with mommy while she changes the sheets in the bedroom?″ Erin asked her daughter after returning from a nice morning walk in the sun, clear indications of spring in the air with birds chirping like crazy and some first flowers starting to break through.

″Yaah,″ Emilia smiled.

″That's the answer I wanted to hear,″ Erin grinned and settled Emilia in the bedroom together with some toys that kept her entertained though today was one of the days where she had more fun with cuddling with Crispin than with playing with her toys.

″You two,″ Erin laughed and shook her head slightly. These two were without a doubt the most adorable duo and the bond they shared was beyond special. Erin couldn't think of any dog that would allow a 14 month-old to crawl over him, to lie atop of him, to accidentially putting her fingers in his eyes or mouth without flinching at all. He rather seemed to enjoy all the babbling and squeaking and seemed to encourage her to keep on cuddling him, even if cuddling in Emilia's case wasn't always all soft.

″Can I leave you alone for a second while I bring those sheets to the washing machine?″ she asked, knowing that of course she could and so she went downstairs, making sure to close the baby gate behind her, to put the sheets into the washing machine and sort some more dirty laundry that she could fill the machine with afterwards. Returning back upstairs, it was suspiciously quiet, too quiet, and no noises always meant nothing good, this time proving no difference. She couldn't find Emmy and Crispin in the bedroom but heard some quiet noises from the ensuite bathroom.

″I knew you guys were up to something,″ Erin commented the scenery in front of her eyes as her daughter once more emptied one of the cabinets with Crispin being her partner in crime who approved of this. Towels and washcloths were spread around them, not anywhere near of being neatly folded anymore, and some of her toiletries weren't inside the cabinet anymore either. She pulled her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie to take a snapshot and of course sent it to Jay instantly, captioning it with the words: Another day in paradise...Oh wait.

″I can't wait for the day you are able to clean up the mess you made on your own, little lady,″ Erin chuckled and bent down on her knees next to her daughter to starting folding the towels and putting them back in the cabinet.

″You know, your dad once told me that I can do some serious damage in a bathroom,″ she said, remembering every single word of their conversation of her moving back to her place and Hank being happy to have his bathroom back like it had been yesterday. It was an evening where the sparks between them had been there more than ever when they'd been on their way back to reconcile what they'd had before.

″So I guess this is some apple and the tree kinda thing,″ she laughed and leaned down to place a kiss on Emmy's head. ″You're just as messy as your mom, aren't you?″

″Yaah,″ Emilia answered, which made Erin laugh heartily.

″Yeah, I figured that,″ she chuckled and kept on folding the towels, making sure that Emmy didn't empty the cabinet again right away. Reaching for the box of tampons and grabbing the few ones that had fallen out of it and were spread across the floor, she suddenly hesitated, a frown occuring on her forehead and her heart skipping a beat as some realization hit her.

″When was even the last time I used you?″ she murmured, bringing one of the tampons up in front of her face, inspecting it was if it could give her the answer she was looking for. Sensing that staring at the thing and waiting for it to start talking wasn't bringing her anywhere, she put it in the box and pulled her phone out of the pockets of her hoodie, scrolling through her calendar with nervous fingers until her eyes found the red X, that showed the days when she'd last had her period.

″Well Emmy,″ she breathed out, looking from her phone to her 14 month-old. ″Looks like mommy is late. As in late late.″ And suddenly, as she spoke out these words, it all made sense: her mood swings, throwing up over old blood, her cravings for the chocolate bars. They all had a reason as it seemed. A reason that had to do with her not needing to use her toiletries in weeks, a reason that made her say: ″I guess we have to make a trip to the pharmacy.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Peeing on that stick that would in a few minutes tell her whether another life changing event was around the corner for them brought up a lot of memories from when she'd done that the last time. Back then, the possibility of being pregnant had freaked her out and she'd been a mess while peeing on the stick and waiting for the result, praying inwardly that her body was just playing some mean trick on her. Back then, she hadn't been ready for a positive test, hadn't thought she could and should be a mother.

This time, in some ways, it was a different story though she still was a mess when she placed the stick on the vanity, leaving the room while waiting for the test to figure out whether there was another little Halstead on the way. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her legs crossed, her foot tapping nervously and while she had the feeling that three minutes have never been as long, she remembered a certain conversation with Jay, all these months back under their Christmas tree.

Gazing up at the lights on their Christmas tree, Erin's eyes slowly got tired, her head resting on Jay's chest, as close to his heart as possible being another factor that had the power to lull her to sleep. They'd talked about a lot of things while lying under the tree, the only lights in the room coming from their perfect, first family-christmas-tree but yet, Erin hasn't found the courage to tell Jay about something that's been on her mind for quite some weeks now. And there wouldn't probably come any better moment to share this with him anytime soon than right now because who knew when was the next time that they had simply time to talk, that the atmosphere was as perfect in addition.

″There's something I gotta tell you,″ she said out loud before she could find any reasons why now was not the right moment to talk about something like that.

″Huh?″ he asked and changed his position so he could look at her, curiosity and probably a little bit of nervousness reflecting from his perfect face.

″I uhm...I...″ she rambled before she finally found the courage to tell him. ″I want to have another one.″

″What?″ Jay frowned and now confusion brushed curiosity away. ″You want to have another what? Kiss?″ he smirked and leaned in to kiss her, just in case this was what she'd meant.

″Well, that always,″ she chuckled. ″But it's not exactly what I meant.″

″Ooookaaay,″ Jay breathed. ″Then what did you mean?″

″You remember the evening we decided to foster Luke? When you told me that he came into our lives for a reason and the day might come that we find out why?″

″I do,″ Jay nodded, still having no clue where she was going with that.

″You were right,″ she admitted with a shy smile. ″These last few months, I realized something. Having Luke around made me realize something. Seeing you carrying one kid in each of your arms made me realize something. And I know this might sound crazy because Emmy is not even a year old and we still don't know whether Rylie will make it and there's still the possibility that she relapses in a couple of months or in a year and we end up adopting Luke...″ At this point she had to take a deep breath because her lungs were running out of oxydgen. ″But it doesn't matter because I realized I want to have another one with you. I want to have another child with you.″ There it was. The admission that a couple of months ago had been unthinkable. The wish that had settled in her a couple of weeks back, when he'd carried Emmy and Luke upstairs after they'd danced to Despacito.

The beaming, genuine smile that appeared on Jay's face by her words overwhelmed her and it seemed like he didn't know what to say, so he placed a gushy kiss on her lips to tell her how much he loved what she'd just said.

″Erin...that's...that's,″ he stammered. ″Are you serious?!″

″Absolutely,″ she confirmed, her smile equalling his. ″I want to have another child with you. And as much as I like the bond Luke and Emmy have because he's four years older, I want them to be close in age. Like Danny and Henry. So they can grow up together and we don't have to start all over again in a couple of years.″

″So that means I have your permission to knock you up?″ he joked, his eyes sparkling joyfully in the lights of their tree.

″Basically,″ she chuckled. ″We know that Emilia was your golden shot and that it usually takes a little longer until a woman gets pregnant. So I was thinking we should stop preventing the possibility of a pregnancy and just see what happens. No pressure and nothing. We have time and it happens when it happens.″

″I'm in,″ Jay winked, pure happiness radiating from his face and no matter that he'd always told her that he didn't need a second child, she knew how much this meant to him and how excited he was about adding another one to their brood.

″Good,″ she smirked and pressed her lips against his. ″And there's one more thing I gotta tell you,″ she whispered against his lips.

″You want us to start practising right now?″ he asked with a low growl, his eyes darkening instantly.

″Well, we can talk about that,″ she teased him, smiling at him sweetly and innocently. ″But before we start practising it would be awesome if you could tell your little friends to remember that they're Halsteads and that this means that the XY-chromosome usually beats the XX-chromosome. They need to fight harder this time because I would actually die to have a little boy with your freckles and your unruly hair.″

″And your hazel-green eyes,″ he smirked. ″Then we have a deal.″

″I think I can live with that.″

Her alarm going off, signalising that the test should show a result now interrupted her daydream about the night she'd told her husband about her wish of having another child. She turned it off with nervous fingers and put her phone on the bedside table before getting up and making her way to the bathroom. Her knees were a little weak and her heart was pounding in her chest as she approached the sink with the stick because she knew exactly which result she wished for and wanted to see. She tried to spy the result before she was even close enough but couldn't see it and she then just turned her head away as she grabbed the stick, her fist wrapping around it and it was only when she was back in the bedroom and after inhaling a deep breath that she was able to open her fist and look at the result...

I know I'm mean for leaving you here, haha. What do you think, is Halstead no. 2 on the way or is Erin's body just playing some tricks on her? Please share your thoughts and let me know what you think about this chapter. Thanks :)