84. See You Again

Thank all of you sweet souls so much for your ongoing support and feedback! Here we go with chapter 84, enjoy! ;)

84. See You Again

When Erin had first learned about traveling to San Francisco, she'd been sure that she wouldn't need any winter attire like beanie, boots, scarf and gloves because she'd somehow assumed that it would be nice and sunny in California, even in February. But when she and Jay walked from the terminal to the rental car office after landing, she was thankful that Teddy had told her that nice, sunny and warm weather in San Francisco in February was a popular misconception and that she'd thanks to this info decided to take her winter jacket with her. Not her Chicago-parka though, but even a beanie and a scarf have found their way in her carry-on bag and as she now felt the fresh wind against her skin, she was more than happy about that.

It was mid February, one day after Valentine's day, and both Erin and Jay had looked forward to this little trip with a whole lot of anticipation. They'd left Chicago early this morning and thanks to the time difference, it was only 9.30am now, they could use the day for some sightseeing before driving to the ranch Teddy worked at tomorrow afternoon. And while they enjoyed some rare time as just the two of them, Robert was staying at their house to take care of Emmy and Luke, Hank helping with entertaining them on the weekend. Since Clara had required a blood relative to take care of Luke while they were gone for four days, the kids couldn't stay with Hank, which was one of the stupidest things Erin's heard in a long time because Hank was her father in every possible way, but thankfully Robert had been ecstatic when they asked him whether he felt up for taking care of these two rascals and even suggested that he could stay at their house so Luke and Emilia didn't have to adjust to a new environment. In addition, Rylie was by now allowed to spend a couple of hours a day with her son without that Erin or Jay had to be there, which meant she could now pick him up from preschool after work or bring him there herself in the morning, though they still had custody and according to Clara, it would stay like this for at least two or three more months, maybe even longer. But things were definitely evolving into the right direction and the chances of Rylie getting her son back looked better with every day that passed.

As soon as the keys of the black SUV were theirs for the following days, they drove to their hotel in downtown San Francisco and as they couldn't check in yet because it was too early, they went for an extensive brunch to fill their growling stomachs and then started their day as typical tourists right away. They took the famous cable car to get to Fisherman's wharf, bought some souvenirs for Emmy and Luke in one of the shops there and watched the seals for a minute, taking a couple of videos they could show at home because animals were always a big hit.

Though it was a windy day, the sky was blue and it was sunny, as sunny that Erin traded her beanie against sunglasses, her hair wildly waving in the wind, her hand warm in Jay's hand anyway. They quickly decided to walk all the way along the beach to the Golden Gate Bridge and once they reached San Francisco's landmark, they took lots of pictures, some goofy, some normal and some that showed how deeply in love they were as they didn't hold back from taking some selfies while they kissed each other. Once their photo session was finished, they of course walked all the way over the bridge just to take more photos on the other side and enjoy the view on downtown.

Jay, who'd of course planned this day perfectly – this was Erin's Christmas present after all – suggested that they could keep on walking to Sausalito, a beautiful little town directly by the bay, and then take the ferry back to San Francisco. Of course it didn't need Erin much convincing to agree to his suggestion and although at some point her feet hurt because this little town wasn't as close as she'd imagined, she soaked these moments in, walking clunged to him, the sun shining on their backs, everything around them refreshingly green, exchanging tenderness with her husband all the way along.

By the time they finally reached Sausalito, their stomachs were all empty again and so they went for a very late lunch or very early dinner in a charming little restaurant that apparently offered the best sea food in town, Jay's eyes sparkling and forming into heart eyes, that he usually only looked at Erin with, when the server brought the lobster they were about to share.

Despite the lobster, that Erin joked was Jay's highlight of the day, the day offered them another highlight later when they were on the boat back to San Francisco, as the sun set behind the Golden Gate Bridge, the sky showing of a real play of colors in yellow, orange, red and purple and once more many photos were taken, some of them immediately sent to their people in Chicago to let them know that they had a great time.

Returning to the harbor of San Francisco, the city started to light up with the sun having set and by the time they finally reached their hotel to check in, it was almost completely dark, their room on the 14th floor providing them a great view over downtown and in the distance, they could still see the enlightened Golden Gate Bridge.

″Oh my God,″ Erin sighed when she saw their giant bed with all the pillows and without taking shoes or jacket off, she let herself fall on it, being completely beat by walking over ten miles today. ″This is heaven.″

″And here I was, thinking we could end the day with a bath in the big bathtub I know this room is equipped with,″ Jay chuckled, shaking his head slightly by the sight of Erin lying on the bed like some starfish.

″You made me walk more than ten miles, this is your fault, babe,″ she teased him because she of course knew exactly what his suggestion of taking a bath together meant. Scrabble deluxe.

″Guilty as charged,″ he laughed and joined her to sit down on the edge of the bed. ″So how about I take a shower and I fill that bathtub with hot water for you, give your shoulders and your back a massage and then we watch some movie while drinking beer? Does that sound more appealing?″

″I honestly hate to say that, but right now, yes,″ Erin admitted, gazing up at him. ″I swear, it's the jetlag,″ she added with a laugh.

″Jetlag?″ Jay laughed. ″You can hardly call these two hours jetlag.″

″Of course I can,″ she pouted with the most adorable and innocent smirk on her lips.

″Okay, then I'll now prepare a bath for my poor jetlagged wife,″ he winked and leaned down to place a lingering kiss on her lips.

″Thank you,″ she smiled sweetly and pecked his lips again.

Jay went to the bathroom and while the bathtub filled with hot water, he took a quick shower and was completely finished by the time the tub was full of water and foam and the bathroom smelling of lavender and seabuckthorn. With a towel wrapped around his waist he went back to the bedroom, letting Erin know that the tub was waiting for her and while she took a very long bath – Jay at some point wondering whether she fell asleep in the warm water – he turned the TV on and made himself comfortable on the bed.

″You didn't forget that massage, did you?″ Erin's voice appeared after a lifetime and he turned his head around so see her leaning in the doorway, her hair wet, only a towel covering her skin, just like a towel was all he was currently wearing.

″Would I ever?″ Jay smirked and got up. ″Come here.″

Erin sat down on the bed, close to the edge so Jay could stand behind her, his hands unwrapping the towel skillfully, the fabric falling into her lap and leaving her exposed skin. He started to knead her uptight shoulders and massage her back all soft but yet with just the right amount of strength.

″This is so good,″ Erin moaned, a sound that found its way right to his groin and didn't make this situation, of her sitting in front of him basically naked while his fingers touched her soft skin, any easier for him.

″So I'm hired?″ he joked.

″Absolutely,″ she laughed. ″Can you please never stop?″

″All good things come to an end, babe,″ he teased her and leaned down to place some gentle kisses along her neck and on the sensitive skin in the crook of her neck. ″But sometimes they are replaced by even better things.″

″Yeah, I guess,″ she breathed out, shivering slightly by his hot breath against her skin, aroused by the low growl and husk in his voice and suddenly she wasn't at all tired anymore as this very well known adrenaline and anticipation rushed through her body.

″Way better things,″ he whispered as he kissed her shoulder blades and encouraged by knowing that he was the one to cause her shivering and her voice being this kind of raspier than usual, his hands traveled to her bare breasts, his fingers playing with her nipples which was enough to make her body jerk.

″Jay please,″ she whimpered and he reluctantly let go of her breasts but only to turn her around and kiss her hardly, mercilessly, so he could continue this foreplay in a different way.

As their lips parted, her eyes were dark with passion, a mirror of his own eyes, and she reached for his towel to unwrap it with one move, revealing his manhood. He pushed her back down on the bed to continue to torture her as long as his own body allowed him to torture her before he finally gave in, giving his and Erin's bodies what they craved for, this special high building up as they picked up the speed and the both of them finding the sweetest of releases simultaneously a little later.

They would find this sweet release a second time that night as panting, moaning and other exclamations filled the air of this charming hotel room in San Francisco once more.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″It's so great to see you again,″ Erin flung her arms around her little brother in the afternoon of the following day, Teddy already waiting for them when they arrived at the ranch that was located one hour outside of San Francisco.

″I missed you big sister,″ Teddy smiled as he hugged her tightly.

″I missed you, too,″ she said.

″I'm so sorry I couldn't come for Christmas and Emilia's birthday,″ he apologized as he ended the embrace. ″Things were just crazy here and it wasn't a good time to leave.″

″Ted, I understand. What you do here is so important and those kids, they need you,″ Erin smiled.

″I know,″ Teddy nodded. ″But since I missed Christmas and my niece's birthday, I decided I don't want to miss my sister's birthday, too, so I hope it's okay that I asked for a couple of days off in April,″ he winked.

″You're coming to Chicago?″ Erin beamed.

″That's the plan, yeah,″ he confirmed.

″That's great,″ Erin hugged him again.

Once they finished their embrace, his gaze fell on Jay, who'd watched this reuion silently, finding joy in the siblings's joy of seeing each other again after six months of only skyping and texting. ″I'm sorry Jay, you must feel like chopped liver,″ he laughed and hugged his brother-in-law.

″Something like that, yeah,″ Jay joked.

″Sorry, partner,″ Teddy grinned.

″Partner?″ Erin frowned.

″Teddy was my partner in crime when I organized this trip,″ Jay winked at his wife. ″I had to make sure that it's okay that we're coming. Find a weekend that suits him best.″

″Sneaky,″ she laughed.

″I prefer brilliant,″ Jay laughed as well.

″Whatever,″ Erin chuckled and rolled her eyes at him. ″So Ted, you wanna give us the grand tour?″

″Absolutely,″ he answered. ″Take your bags and I show you the cabin you stay at and then I'll show you the property.″

They brought their bags to the small but charming cabin with a bedroom, a bathroom, a small kitchen, a table and a fireplace in front of the couch and Teddy told them that this was one of the cabins guests stayed at, when for example family of one of the teens stayed here and they tried to reconcile them. Showing them around, they learned that there was a second cabin like this while there were eight even smaller cabins that only had a bed, a dresser and an oven. No electricity and nothing. These were the cabins where the teens stayed at, most times alone and only occasionally they shared one. The bathrooms the teens could use were located in a bigger cabin that also provided a huge games room that everyone could use anytime as well as a room they used for any kind of classes. The main building was surrounded by a big garden with a greenhouse and it was a huge house with kitchen and common room downstairs and the employee's rooms upstairs. Every room was charming and beautiful and Erin could imagine how troubled or traumatized teens could heal here, learn to breathe again and to deal with their pasts.

But the highlight was without a doubt the peaceful nature this property was surrounded with. Next to a workshop, that was also used for classes and to store any kind of tools or repair any stuff, there was a huge barn with horses, cats and dogs and chicken running around. Looking into one direction, there was a wide open space, where a couple of horses were out in the field and where some part of a field has been turned into a soccer or football field, and looking into the other direction, there were the woods, a quite big lake hidden between the trees, rope swings and boats guaranteeing fun summer days. And just when they thought they'd seen every highlight, Teddy showed them a high rope course that was built between the trees, this course being the key for the teens to gain confidence in theirselves.

Listening to all of Teddy's stories of how they worked with the kids and how they helped them to get their lives back on track after years of either using drugs and years of being abused, both Erin and Jay were beyond impressed, this whole place leaving them speechless. Erin couldn't tell in words how proud she was of her little brother, that he'd made it out of this miserable life and was now a role-model for these young kids that have been through the same, that he could help them getting a life that was worth the word because he's been there and knew exactly what they were going through, what they needed and didn't need to hear. He was the one person on the ranch who could understand them like probably no one else could. And that was the reason why he most times was the first person to break through to them and make a connection with them.

″I signed up for online psychology classes,″ Teddy told them when they were strolling back to the ranch. ″Not because I want to become a shrink but because it surely doesn't hurt to know some facts about the human mind although I can already communicate with those kids on a different level.″

″That's great, Ted,″ Erin smiled at her younger brother and once more there was a whole lot of pride in her smile. ″I'm proud of you, you know that?″

″Maybe,″ he smirked, his cheeks blushing a little.

″Good,″ Erin grinned, giving him a little nudge with her elbow. ″So what's the plan for tonight?″

″Well, I actually have to work but I thought you might want to join me and Mitch making pizza with the kids. And on Friday, we always have our campfire night, so if you're fancy to do that,″ he winked.

″You don't think it's a problem, you know, strangers being here?″ Erin asked.

″No,″ Teddy denied. ″They have been here for a couple of weeks now and they are constantly doing better, so it's even good for them. Our latest addition, Dylan, came here three weeks ago and he was a lot of trouble but now he's slowly getting better. He's the reason I couldn't come for Emmy's birthday. He went through a lot of crap and it was big challenge with him.″

″What happened to him?″ Erin asked carefully, not knowing whether Teddy was allowed to share Dylan's story.

″The usual,″ Teddy shrugged. ″Probably more than just the usual in his case. His dad was in the army and got deployed again when Dylan was 13. He didn't make it back and then his mother died of the broken-heart-syndrom. In the years that followed he became a victim of the system and went through abuse, drugs, prostitution...he had it all.″

″Oh my God,″ Erin whispered, tears brimming in her eyes and her heart breaking for the kid she didn't know.

″He's here now and that's a good thing,″ Teddy said.

″You think he will make it?″ Jay asked.

″Yes, I do,″ Teddy nodded. ″I believe in every kid here. Because not believing in them is the biggest mistake you can make to begin with. They don't believe in anyone and least of all in theirselves, so you gotta do this for them.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Baking pizza in the big kitchen in the evening was a lot of fun although the seven boys that currently lived on the ranch were of course hesistant in the beginning, didn't talk with Erin and Jay and avoided any kind of eye contact. They slowly warmed up over garnishing the pizza with mushrooms, cheese, vegetables, ham and pepperoni, the boys listening to Teddy's conversations with Erin and Jay. While sitting around the table in the dining room and eating their homemade pizza, everyone became a little chattier and when they later sat around the campfire to grill marshmallows, it seemed like the ice was broken and the boys were okay with Erin and Jay being a part of their weekly Friday evening ritual, Jay, Erin and Teddy still sitting around the campfire long after everyone had gone to bed.

On Saturday morning, Teddy took them for a ride through the nature, the work with animals also being a huge part in the teens's therapy, and with Jay afterwards suggesting to try to fish, he gave the siblings some alone-time, so they could talk about everything Teddy probably didn't want to talk about with Jay being there as well. They walked through the woods for two hours as Teddy shared more stories how every time a kid opened up to him, it opened old sores for him but then working with that kid gave him some kind closure. Though he could never completely close that chapter of his past, it all came together piece by piece and by now he was able to see the positive things, to say that this road of his life, every part of this road, has led him exactly where he needed to be.

As Teddy had to work in the afternoon for a couple of hours, Erin and Jay were free to use the high rope course and use the canoe to cross the lake, which they of course both did, especially the high rope course giving them an ultimate adrenaline kick. The day literally passed by before they could blink, their little trip coming to an end rapidly, and in the early evening, Teddy took them out for dinner in a restaurant in the town close by. And while waiting for their food, some platters with all kind of mediterranean delicacies, they used the time to skype with Emilia, who was ready for bedtime and who'd spent the day at an indoor playground with her doting grandfathers, Luke, Rylie and her cousin Danny.

On Sunday, they all got up early because Teddy wanted to show them the Black Diamond Mines Regional Preserve before they had to catch their plane in the evening. They walked along some trails that offered views of Mount Diablo and, since it was a crystal clear day, the Sierra Nevada. Before driving all the way back, they had a picnic in the sun and being surrounded by ever-green trees and green grass, the news of fresh snow in Chicago almost sounded like a nightmare and Erin and Jay wondered whether winter would ever disappear in their hometown this year because this must've been the snowiest winter in the history of snowy winters.

″Thank you for having us here,″ Erin smiled when it was time to say goodbye.

″Thanks for stopping by,″ Teddy winked. ″It was great spending so much time with you guys.″

″It was,″ Erin agreed. ″Now let's just make sure it won't be another six months before we see each other again.″

″Your birthday, I promise,″ Teddy smiled and pulled his sister into a hug. ″Give my niece some extra kisses and cuddles from her uncle Teddy tonight.″

″She better sleeps by the time we're home but I will shower her with kisses and hugs tomorrow,″ she grinned. ″I love you,″ she whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek.

″I love you, too,″ he whispered back and kissed her forehead.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Reality had them back pretty fast after coming back from San Francisco and after working three full days in a row right after returning, without leaving the bullpen before 6pm, Erin insisted on spending her usual Thursday at home no matter that their current case was one that needed to be solved. Because after being away for four days and not spending time with her daughter at all, she'd only been able to spend time with her in the mornings before work and in the evenings before bedtime in the last 3 days and this wasn't the kind of mother she wanted to be, Emilia being kind of cranky confirming her suspicion that her daughter also wasn't too excited to spend as much time with anyone but her parents.

And so Thursday consisted of lots of cuddling, of a long stroll through the neighborhood where Emmy spent more time with walking than with sitting in her stroller - their little girl definitely wasn't a lazy one - and of course with turning their living room into a children's paradise.

″Okay, now we only have to put this piece here and it should work,″ Erin said in the afternoon and completed their marble run by adding the last piece, Emilia sitting in her lap on the floor.

″Let's try whether what we built makes somehow sense,″ she laughed and reached for the box with marbles on the coffee table where Emilia could hopefully not reach it and swallow one of the marbles.

″Here we go.″ To her very surprise, the marble made it all the way through their wooden building and Emmy's eyes tried to follow the little marble in astonishment.

″Oh,″ she exclaimed with a giggle when the marble reached the end of the run.

″Once again?″ Erin asked, took the marble and placed it in Emmy's hand. ″You wanna do it?″ she asked and guided her hand up to the start of the run. ″Now you just need to let go.″

The first time, Erin had to open her fist and show her how to do it but afterwards she knew exactly how it worked, was even able to grab the marble all by herself and bring it right back up so it could go down the run again and it seemed like her giggles got bigger every time the marble made its way down the run.

″That's fun, isn't it?″ Erin smiled, finding joy in her daughter's joy, and kissed her hair.

However, the door bell ringing interrupted their little playdate some moments later and Erin got up from the floor, picking Emmy up as well because there was no way she left her alone with those marbles anywhere near her. With her daughter on her hip she opened the door, wondering whether Jay had ordered anything online, and was more than surprised when she found her brother standing in front of the door, a shadow on his face that she didn't like at all.

″Justin?″ she frowned. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yeah, sure,″ he answered but Erin recognized his faked smile instantly. ″There's uhm...there's something I gotta tell you. Do you have time?″

No later than now, Erin's heart was definitely picking up its pace because she sensed that whatever he needed to tell her wasn't good news. ″Sure,″ she nodded and let him into the house.

While he took his shoes off, she already settled Emmy in the living room, taking all the marbles with her as she and Justin sat down on the dining table.

″What's up?″ she asked, trying to read her brother's gaze. And although she didn't get the answers she was looking for from it, she didn't like what she was seeing. Something has changed, this wasn't the man she knew, the happy man he's been ever since Olive has been in his life.

″I...uhm...I don't even know how to tell you this,″ he stammered, running his hand through his hair nervously.

″Justin, what's going on?″ she asked quietly, her voice almost breaking because out of a sudden she sensed to know why her brother paid her a visit on a weekday to tell her something. Suddenly, something became a very clear, frightening picture and her stomach turned by this thought.

″I...I...,″ he took another breath before dropping the news Erin's known were coming. ″I've been deployed.″

There it was. The confirmation. Spoken out loud, making her world spin and for a moment she had the feeling that she couldn't breathe as her mind processed these news and all the possible consequences that came with it and she decided that she didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that her little brother was going to fight a war on the other side of the world, his life in jeopardy every single minute of every single day.

″When?″ Her voice was defeated and shaking when she spoke for the first time in what felt like a lifetime and she gave her best to keep her tears at bay.

″I have to leave on March 1st,″ Justin answered.

″March 1st?!″ Erin echoed incredulously, her eyes widening. ″That's in one week! They give you a one-week notice for something like that?!″

″Uhm...no,″ he breathed out, adding meekly: ″I got the letter at the end of January.″

″No,″ she shook her head in denial. ″You didn't keep this from me for more than three weeks. You didn't!″

″Erin,″ he sighed. ″I had to process that myself first. I needed three days to tell Olive and almost a week to tell dad.″

″And what made you think that keeping this from me for three bloody weeks is a brilliant idea?!″ she snapped and in this moment, she was just so angry about this whole situation, not even that he only told her now but that he's been deployed at all, that he was some kind of punching bag where she could release all her anger at. ″Telling me a week before you leave: oh hey, I'm going to war in seven days. Is that how you do it?!″ Her voice was cracking and she swallowed down her sobs, still didn't allow herself to cry although this was a battle that took her everything not to lose.

″Oh Erin,″ Justin sighed, swallowing down his own emotions and pulling her into a hug. ″I didn't want to tell you before Emmy's birthday because I didn't want to ruin that day for you. And then you talked about this trip and how excited you were and I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. I guess I just waited for the right moment but then I figured that there is no right moment to tell you something like this. I'm sorry.″ He kissed her hair softly and by the time she lifted her head, she felt truly awful for how she'd reacted in the first place.

″No, I'm sorry...for how I just reacted,″ she said quietly, inhaling a deep breath. ″You just wanted to make this right and it wasn't fair to blame you for not telling me earlier. I guess I just...I don't want you to go, Justin.″

″You're not the only one,″ he answered with a weak smile. ″I always knew that this was a possibility but when the letter came...it knocked me out of the skies, Erin. Olive, the kids...″

″How did they take it?″ Erin asked, imagining how she would react if she was in Olive's shoes.

″Henry is too young to understand and we told Danny but we don't think he really knows what it means. And Olive...she was crying for days and we talked about it and by now she's accepted it. At least as much as you can accept something like this. In the end of the day that's what I signed up for.″

″No it's not.″

″It is and we both know it,″ Justin disagreed and placed his hand atop hers.

″How long will you be gone?″ she asked.

″Six months for now and then we'll see,″ he answered.

″So it could be longer?″

″Yes,″ he nodded and her eyes never left hers as he spoke out his next words. ″Erin, Olive will need you. All of you. Please be there for her.″

″I promise. She's not alone.″

″No matter what happens...″ It wasn't a question, a request, it was some kind of statement that made Erin's stomach turn once more because a lot could happen while living in a warzone.

″No matter what happens?″ she asked back, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

″My life will be unpredictable and in case the worst-case happens-″

″Justin,″ Erin interrupted him.

″No Erin, that's how it is. And I just want to make sure that Olive's not alone and that she can always count on you.″

″She can. I promise,″ Erin finally nodded and it took everything to bring herself to to say: ″No matter what happens.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Immediately after Justin had left, she made Emmy ready for a little trip, settled her in her car seat and drove straight to the 21st district, walking into the precinct without her famous smile as Platt greeted her and keying her code in as fast as possible, hoping that her desk sergeant wouldn't catch up on her bad mood and fragile state of mind. She was here for two reasons, Hank and Jay, the latter being the only one who could give her the solace she seeked for right now, but reaching the top of the stairs she figured that awaited solace wouldn't come to her anytime soon as the bullpen was completely empty, even Mouse wasn't anywhere to be seen.

With Emmy in her lap she settled on her desk and looked for a book in the diaper bag, that was her constant companion, so she could keep Emilia entertained by scrolling through it and take her mind off as well. The entertainment worked well, the thing with taking her mind off not as much and she was more than glad when she could hear her colleagues voices after only half an hour of her mind going to places it shouldn't go.

″Hey babe, what are you doing here?″ Jay smiled as soon as his eyes found his two girls but the smile fell from his face as soon as he saw her facial expression. She was pale and her eyes gave away that she'd cried not long ago.

″Uhm...nothing,″ she stammered, not knowing what to tell him. ″Can you take her for a minute?″ she asked and without waiting for his answer, she handed him Emilia and followed Hank into his office, closing the door behind her and when her gaze met her pseudo-father's she knew that he knew what this was about.

″He told you...″ he concluded.

Crossing her arms in front of her chest without even considering to sit down, she snapped: ″About time one week before he leaves, wouldn't you agree?″

″Erin, I know you're sad and angry and frustrated and believe me, I know how you feel. But Justin didn't want to ruin Emmy's birthday or your trip,″ Hank explained all calm.

″You should've told me,″ she said bitterly.

″It wasn't my place to tell you and we both know that,″ he answered matter-of-factly and of course he was right.

″You've known for weeks and I...now I only have one week with him left,″ she said reproachfully, tears glooming in her eyes once more.

″Knowing this for weeks doesn't make it any easier and if I could choose I wouldn't want to know it weeks before...″ he said quietly and by these words, Erin finally sat down in the chair across him.

″I don't want him to go,″ she whispered as he took her hands in his.

″You know, all the time, when I watched Justin grow into the person he is today, into a husband and a father of two, I knew that I'd done the right thing with giving him no choice but the Army. And now I can't help but wonder whether I could've handled it differently because in the end of the day, I sent my own son to war and I'm not sure whether I can forgive myself in case...″ He didn't speak it out loud but Erin knew what he meant anyway. There wasn't a guarantee that Justin would come back and she could understand why Hank was blaming himself for this whole situation.

″But let's not go there. He will come back,″ Hank said when Erin didn't answer anything.

″Physically, yes. Psychologically...this is something you never completely come back from,″ Erin said quietly, knowing how Jay still battled these demons from time to time. ″Jay might be very good at hiding it, but a part of him is still over there and it will always have the ability to wake up the demons.″

″I agree,″ Hank nodded. ″What they see over there...it breaks a person and we can't expect anyone who was there to blank out this chapter of their life. But it's on us to be there for him when he comes back and make sure he isn't at a dark place for too long. This family is strong and we will make it work.″

″We will,″ she agreed with a nod. ″All for one and one for all,″ she said and the tiniest smile formed in the corners of her mouth by these words because it's been a lifetime since she'd said them last, all those years back when she'd lived with the Voights and this had been their family motto.

″That's how we do it,″ Hank said and his attempt to smile stayed with a try. ″Now get out of here and don't forget to take your husband with you. We closed basically just closed our case and you need him more than we do.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin told Jay about Justin's deployment as soon as they were home but literally in the same sentence, she told him that she didn't want to talk about it right now and so the atmosphere was chastened for the rest of the day. Erin went for a run to clear her head and by the time she returned, dinner was almost ready and he told her that they could all eat any minute. She gave him one of those faked smiles that didn't reach her eyes and excused herself to the shower, telling him that they didn't have to wait for her because she wasn't hungry anyway.

Earlier, all she'd wanted was seeking solace in the embrace of the man she loved, the man who could always make her feel better but right now she was just mad at the world and because he didn't deserve to be the victim of her current mood, she kept him at distance and retreated into the bedroom right after her shower, leaving all the tasks of cleaning the kitchen to Rylie and making Emmy ready for the night to him.

It wasn't until very long after he'd tucked Emmy in and taken a shower himself that he approached her and by the way he hesitated in the doorway of their bedroom, she could tell that he wasn't sure how to behave around her and what kind of behavior he could expect from her.

″Hey,″ he said after watching her how she literally abused the iPad with her fingers.

″Hey,″ she answered and for the first time in a while, it felt somehow awkward between them.

″You up for company?″ he asked and only when she nodded her head, he walked through the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, next to where she was resting against some pillows and distracting herself with some game on the iPad.

″Talk to me, Er,″ he pleaded quietly. His hand found its spot on her thigh and by the way his voice had sounded, she could tell that he was afraid that she would reject him by giving him her standard answer that she was fine. When it was crystal clear that she was as far from being fine as the Earth was away from the Moon.

″Huh,″ she shrugged and set the iPad aside, a lump building up in her throat and her voice was nothing more than a whisper when she said: ″I'm afraid I will never see him again.″

Jay was sure the entire neighborhood of Beverly could hear his heart breaking for her in this moment. ″Er, he will come back. We have to believe in that,″ he said emphatically.

″I do believe in that. At least I try to,″ she said, her voice being a little stronger now. ″But what if the person I say goodbye to next week will be a different person than the one I will welcome back in six months?″ she asked and just like this her voice turned into a whisper again. ″I might never see my brother like this again, Jay.″

″I'm not going to lie to you because this wouldn't be fair and we both know better,″ he said and cupped her cheek with his palm. ″Living in a warzone, it changes you. The things you see and do, they do something to you. And not in a good way. Coming back will be an adjustment for him because he will come back as a different person and yeah, some never come back from that. But Erin, there's one important thing that Justin has that I didn't have back then. And that's his family. His wife. His sons. He will skype with them, will see photos of them, will hear their voices and listen to their stories. And that's exactly what he needs to make it through this. A little bubble of light making his days brighter and helping him that the darkness doesn't swallow him. Justin is strong and has a great backup here and all we have to do is believing that everything turns out fine.″

Tears were running down her cheeks as she soaked in his words and in the end, he wrapped her arms around her and she melted into his embrace, let this strong arms hold her tight, let whispered words murmured into her ear calm her down, let the tears run down her cheeks like a river because this was the first time today that she allowed herself to cry and all the anger and everything else she's hold back so far, was coming out now, her tears leaving a wet spot on his shirt.

Jay didn't know how long he's been holding her when the sobs finally seemed to fade, when she lifted her head and looked at him with tear-stained eyes that were greener than ever.

″Thank you,″ she whispered and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″There's nothing you have to thank me for,″ Jay said and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″I'm always there for you, even when you think you don't need me,″ he told her with a little wink.

″I always need you. Sometimes I just need some time to accept that,″ she answered with a small smile. ″I love you, Jay. And I don't know what I would do without you.″

″Be mad at the world for the rest of the week probably?″ he grinned and it was once again scary how well he actually knew her.

″I still need some time to accept that and I don't know how long it will take until I'm not mad, angry and scared anymore,″ she admitted.

″And it's totally fine to feel like this, Er. Just don't bottle this up, okay?″ he asked gently.

″I'll try not to. I promise,″ she answered with a weak smile.

″Good.″ He leaned in and pecked her lips shortly. ″Is there anything else you want to talk about? Any more things I can probably help you deal with?″

″If you know a way how to stop my brain creating worst-case-scenarios, that would be awesome,″ she said, and of course Jay knew which scenarios her brain was currently picturing. But unfortunately there was nothing that could be done about it. That was the thing about the people that stayed behind while a loved one went to the other side of the world to fight a war: their brains traveled to all these dark and ugly places, creating all these scenarios where the person they loved didn't make it back and how everything would change then. His mother and grandfather had gone through the same, his aunt and uncle had gone through the same and their nightmares had come true when Myles had been killed in action.

″I don't,″ he answered honestly.

″Then just hold me for a little while longer, please.″

She didn't have to ask him twice and he lay down next to her to pull her close to his body and kissed her hair soothingly. "I'll hold you for the whole damn night."

The warmth of his body provided comfort and his body seemed to work as a human shield as no nightmare about her brother being in a warzone dared to come close to her that night.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The days until Justin's departure flew by and since Olive, Hank and the kids would be the ones to accompany him to the airport, Erin made her farewell on the evening before he left, when she came over for only a quick visit because she didn't want to take away any of the precious time he had left with his wife and sons. They'd all had dinner at Hank's house on Sunday, so there wasn't much to be said anymore anyway, other than those words of farewell, those words that could be the last she would ever tell him.

"I'll come back in one piece, I promise," Justin said.

″You can't promise something like this. And that's exactly what's troubling me,″ Erin told him, tears in her eyes as she looked at the man that had become her little brother all those years ago, that she loved with all her heart.

″I will come back to my wife and my sons and dad and you. I promise, Erin,″ Justin emphatically said once more and pulled her into a hug, Erin's fingers clawing into the fabric of his shirt as she buried her face in his neck.

″Then I don't say good-bye, okay?″ she murmured and lifted her head to look at him, even being able to smile all faint. ″I say see you again.″

Justin nodded his head and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″See you again...″

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think. The next chapter is almost finished, so if you're lucky you might not have to wait too long for it ;)