80. A Hole In The Heart

Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. I can't say it often enough: you are the best and your reviews always make my days so much better, so keep them coming and enjoy chapter 80 ;)

Also, I uploaded this chapter yesterday already but for whatever reason posting it was a mess, so I hope it works now!

80. A Hole In The Heart

″Where's Erin?″ This was the first thing Rylie asked when she saw Jay standing in the hallway of the Center of Hope on Sunday morning, a backpack on her back and an overstuffed duffle bag, that looked too heavy for her, in her hand. It wasn't exactly the kind of greeting and tone Jay'd expected if he was being honest with himself. With all that Erin had told him about how Rylie's changed for the better in the last few weeks, he'd expected to meet a new person that was full of life but right now her attitude reminded him of the time nine weeks back, when they'd first met her. In fact, back then, after battling against withdrawal symptoms the whole night, she'd seemed shy and weak while now she seemed feisty and up to any challenge, just like Erin'd gotten to know her first in the interrogation room.

″Emilia threw up this morning, so she stayed home with her and sent me to pick you up,″ Jay explained and opposite to Rylie his voice was all calm. Their morning had been insane, almost worse than just their usual chaos on weekdays, with Emilia throwing up right after breakfast. They'd cleaned up and changed her together and Erin had then asked him whether he could go and pick up Rylie because she wanted stay with their sick daughter and of course she hadn't had to ask him twice.

″Okay,″ she shrugged as if she didn't really care. Jay sensed that her current attitude had to do with a whole lot of insecurity she was dealing with and tried to hide by acting the way she did. But this insecurity nonetheless encased her like an invisible cloak, no matter her efforts to not show it.

″You ready to go? Or is there anything you still have to do?″ he asked, ignoring how she kind of was giving him the cold shoulder.

″Uhm...no. I did all the paperwork so we can go I guess.″

″Alright,″ Jay nodded and gave her a little smile, not expecting to get one in return. ″Should I carry this for you? Looks heavy,″ he noticed and eyed her duffle bag.

″I'm good,″ Rylie assured him. ″Let's just get out of here.″

They walked to the car in silence and Jay didn't miss the look on her face when they approached the Audi and he almost expected her to make a comment about them having this quite fancy and expensive car but her lips stayed closed and she loaded her stuff in the trunk without saying anything. The ride back to Beverly was just as awkward and the only thing that broke through the silence was the music playing on the radio. There was no doubt on his mind that this girl still had her walls up high. At least in front of him which he couldn't blame her for since he hadn't seen her since the day in the bullpen all those weeks back. So with Erin it was probably a different story and she wasn't usually as withdrawn around her.

″Hey, this is Luke's favorite song,″ he said when Despacito started to resound from the radio and he was thankful that there was finally something he could tell her. He looked at Rylie and her facial expression told him that it would've been better to keep his mouth shut in first place. ″Sorry, you of course knew that.″

″I didn't actually.″ She shrugged it off like it was nothing but Jay could see her fighting with her emotions because it was anything but nothing for her. Her son meant the world to her. ″We never listened to music a lot. Just occasionally.″

″He really likes that one. The other day Luke and Emmy danced together when it was on the radio, it was adorable.″ Once again he tried to cheer her up somehow and once again he'd said the wrong thing. Instead of lighting up the mood, the atmosphere got more tense and he literally made it worse by the second and apparently couldn't say the right things. That's when he decided he should probably better shut up and let the radio do all the entertainment.

″Bet it was,″ Rylie answered, once again as if she couldn't care less and turned her head to the side so she could stare out of the window, signalising him that she wasn't in the mood to talk with him at all and didn't want to hear any of his stories either.

Parks, trees and houses covered in snow passed by as they drove to the suburban area of Chicago and once they were in Beverly, Jay almost expected some kind of remark again, about them living in one of the best areas of Chicago, but just like when she'd seen their car, her lips stayed sealed though he was sure he could literally hear her thoughts in the silence of the car. Parking the Audi in their driveway in front of their house a couple of minutes later, some words finally left Rylie's lips without Jay trying to get her into some kind of conversation and it was exactly what he's expected, what he's somehow been waiting for.

″Should've known you guys live in a manison,″ she said, a sarcastic undertone in her voice.

″Manison?″ Jay echoed. ″It's just a house, Rylie.″

″Yeah, for you of course,″ she almost snapped and wanted to open the door but Jay was faster with putting the central locking in. If Rylie thought she could act like this, he could too, because two could play this game. It wasn't what he'd wanted to do, starting off like this, but the young girl didn't leave him a chance right now.

″Hey! Let me out!″ she called furiously, shooting him death glares, and kept on trying to yank the door open that Jay was afraid she would break something.

″No, you listen to me first!″ Jay called back, his voice louder than usual as well and this little bit of authority plus his not-so-amused face were already enough that Rylie didn't try to yell something back instantly and instead even stopped with her attempts to open the locked door. ″Erin and I pulled a lot of strings for you in the last couple of weeks, you being allowed to live with us and your son instead of living in a group home with a bunch of other troubled kids probably being the biggest of all of them. Not to forget that Erin got you that job interview at Chicago Med. So I don't actually know where this attitude comes from and I don't exactly care. If that's how you want to talk with me, be my guest. But what I care about is Erin and she doesn't deserve to be treated like this from a girl she moved actual mountains for. So this attitude, it has to come off the moment you pass the threshold of this house. You understand?″

Rylie's attitude indeed didn't hurt or bother him and he was sure he could handle it. But it was a different story for Erin. She would be devastated and heartbroken if Rylie acted like this in front of her, so he had to make sure that this wouldn't happen, even if it meant he had to be a little harsh.

The blonde girl didn't dare to look at him and then murmured ever so quiet that her lips almost didn't move: ″Yes, Sir.″

″Good,″ Jay breathed out and unlocked the car so they could go inside the house. But instead of jumping out of it instantly, like he'd expected her to do, Rylie stayed in the passenger's seat like she was suddenly glued to it.

″I'm sorry,″ she whispered, this apology being about the last thing Jay'd thought to hear. ″I'm sorry...I didn't...I didn't want to...it's just...,″ she rambled as she fought with the tears that suddenly loomed in her eyes. ″What if...what if Luke doesn't want me anymore?″ she asked him quietly and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time, some silent tears running down her cheeks. Now he saw the broken girl that had nothing left anymore, not the feisty one that was up to any challenge. ″I mean, he now lives in that fancy house with his own room and all the toys he ever wanted. You drive around in this fancy car while with me he always had to use public transport. You and Erin are like mom and dad for him and Emilia is his little sister...so how...how will I ever be able to compete with that?″

″Rylie,″ Jay said softly and of course he understood the problem now, understood why talking about Luke in the car had made everything worse. The young girl was scared that the only person she had left that she still truly loved didn't need her anymore, that her son would show her the cold shoulder because the life he lived now was so much better than the life he'd used to live with her. ″You don't have to compete with us because you are his mother. His only mother. His only parent. This is not a competition and even if it was one, you would win anytime because neither me or Erin can replace you. Ever,″ he tried to convince her. ″You know how many times your little guy asked us about you in one day? How many times he talked about you and the things he wants to do once you're back?″

″He did?″ Rylie sobbed and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″Of course,″ Jay confirmed. ″There's someone in that house who's so eager to see you and who will get the biggest surprise possible in a couple of minutes while you sit here and think this exact someone doesn't want you and need you anymore when he in fact missed you more than anyone of us can possibly imagine.″

″So you think...you think he'll be...excited?″

″You kidding?″ Jay asked and gave her a faint smile. ″He will be absolutely over the moon. There is no reason for you to be scared, trust me, Rylie.″

″Okay,″ breathed out and nodded.

″You need another minute?″ he asked as her tears weren't dried yet and her hands were still a bit shaky.

″No,″ she answered and shook her head, a smile appearing on her face. ″I wanna see my boy.″

″Then let's go inside,″ Jay smiled back.

This time, Rylie let him carry all her stuff and when he put his key in the lock to open the door of their house, the blonde girl almost started to hyperventilate next to him. ″I'm so nervous, I could throw up right now,″ she chuckled slightly.

″Uhm, we already had a throwing-up accident this morning and one is enough for today,″ Jay winked. ″You ready?″

″Yeah...yeah, I guess,″ she nodded, inhaling another deep breath.

Jay opened the door and stepped inside their hallway with all those pictures of their friends and family on the wall, Rylie following behind him. ″Er, we're here,″ he called.

″Coming,″ Erin called back from somewhere in the living room and the next thing he heard her say, as her voice came closer, was: ″Come on Luke, you wanna take a look who's here? What do you think, who is it?″

″I don't know,″ the boy answered just before they walked through the door.

What followed was one of the most beautiful, emotional and heartwarming scenes the two of them have ever witnessed.

″Mommyyyyy!″ Luke screamed excitedly as soon as he saw her, his little feet doubling up their speed as he ran toward his mom, who knelt down on the floor, ready to embrace her son after being seperated from him for too long, and never let him go again.

The 5-year-old old fell right into his mother's arms and she wrapped them around him as tight as possible, her head falling into the crook of his neck as she couldn't hold back the sobs from escaping her lips.

″I missed you so much, mommy,″ Luke whispered.

″I missed you so much more, Lukey,″ Rylie said, running her hand through his hair just before she lifted her head to place a couple of kisses on his cheek. ″So so so much more.″

Jay motioned his head toward the living room, signalising Erin that they should give them some privacy and that they'd already watched this reunion between mother and son for too long. Erin nodded her head slightly and without saying anything they left Rylie and Luke alone so they could enjoy this moment as just the two of them, giving them all the time in the world to celebrate their reunion.

″You have something in your eye?″ Jay smirked as they both sat down on their couch, Erin's hazel-green eyes sparkling suspiciously.

″And you?″ she teased him, his blue orbs having this special sparkle as well.

″Just a snowflake,″ he winked with this adorable smile on his face.

″Uh-huh, sure, a snowflake,″ Erin chuckled and slightly shook her head. Of course she'd almost teared up witnessing Luke being reunited with his mother. Of course Jay'd almost teared up as well because he simply was a bit of a softie.

″How's Emmy? Is she doing better?″ Jay changed the topic.

″She's still sleeping but she hasn't thrown up again, so I hope this means she's better,″ Erin sighed. ″Thanks for picking up Rylie, by the way,″ she smiled at him. ″I hope she was...nice?″ She knew Rylie, and she knew how she could be sometimes, so she hoped that her husband and the girl that would live with them for the next few weeks haven't started off in the worst possible way, by Rylie showing him some of her not-so-nice attitude. The last thing they needed was a tense atmosphere in their house on a daily basis because Jay and Rylie didn't get along.

″Yeah, she was,″ Jay confirmed, holding back from telling Erin about the conversation he'd had with her in the car. Maybe he would tell her one day when this was old news and they laugh about it. But not today. And anyway, they'd worked the situation out rather quick and he was sure Rylie wouldn't show this attitude again. ″She's a great girl.″

″She is,″ Erin agreed. ″We will make this work, with her, here, right?″

Jay sensed that some of her insecurities about this being the right thing were coming up again, so he placed his hand on her thigh and squeezed it gently. ″Damn sure we will,″ he said, hints of determination in his voice.

″It'll be a challenge,″ she noticed.

″When has something ever not been?″ he chuckled.

″Yeah right,″ she laughed. ″I love you.″ Of course she made sure to emphasize this statement with a sweet and lingering kiss.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Winter mornings were the most stressful in the Halstead-household, the Monday right after Rylie'd moved in with them proving no difference. It always took Erin and Jay a village to make Luke and Emmy ready for the day and dress them in all their winter clothes – scarf, gloves, beanie, jacket and boots - and even though they were already getting up earlier in the mornings, they barely ever left the house in time.

″Luke, where's your backpack?″ Erin asked when she wanted to put his lunch box into his backpack and found its usual spot abandoned. Of course on mornings that were already stressful enough, things were not at their supposed place and she had to look for them.

″Uhm...upstairs...maybe,″ he called back from the hallway where Jay was dressing Emilia, who was thankfully doing well again, and Luke tried to tie his shoes himself, just how they'd taught him.

Erin sprinted up the stairs to his room like some wild animal was haunting her and fortunately, the backpack was actually there. Coming back down, Emilia was completely dressed, once again of course pulling herself up so she could stand or walk, and Jay was now occupied to get Luke ready.

″We good to go?″ he asked as Erin put the backpack down on the floor next to where their dog was comfortably resting and watching this chaos, and reached for her own jacket and boots.

″Almost,″ she sighed and started to tie her winter boots.

″I already bring these three in the car,″ he said and scooped Emmy from the floor up into his arms. ″Luke, don't forget your backpack. Crispin, let's go.″ Jay was always so calm and organized, Erin seriously admired him for that. No matter the chaos that surrounded them, he seemed to be relaxed, even seemed to have fun.

″I'll be there in a minute,″ Erin said and threw him a thankful smile.

″No rush, we're still in time,″ he winked and disappeared toward their garage with their baby on his hip and a 5-year-old and a dog in tow. They would drive with two cars anyway, simply because Jay usually left the precinct later than she did and the 300 was still the car they used at work, so it had to be at the 21st as long as they were working. But they preferred to drop Luke and Emmy off at preschool and daycare together nonetheless. At least on the mornings when they actually left the house together and Jay wasn't called to a crime scene in the early morning hours.

″Where are you guys going?″ Rylie's familiar voice suddenly appeared in the hallway as soon as Erin was alone. She looked up and saw her standing in the doorway, looking like she'd waken up only a couple minutes ago, wearing sweats and a hoodie, her braid quite messy.

″Uhm,″ Erin frowned by her question. ″Emmy goes to daycare, Luke to preschool and Jay and I to work. Why?″

″When do you get back?″

″I usually leave the precinct around 5.30pm mondays. For Jay, it depends on the case,″ she answered and finished tying her other shoe.

″5.30pm?″ Rylie echoed. ″What about Luke?″ Erin almost felt like being in interrogation with all the questions Rylie was throwing at her and she figured that it would've been wise to talk their day through during dinner last night.

″Emilia's nanny will pick him up from preschool in the afternoon and I will pick the both of them up in the evening.″ She reached for her beanie to put it on her head.

″Huh,″ she only nodded in response, the fact that there was another person involved in Luke's life probably not sitting too well with her. ″What about my job interview at Med later?″

″What about it?″ Erin asked back and slipped into her thick winter jacket. Now she was good to go as well. Almost.

″How do I get there?″ It was obvious that the young girl hadn't expected to be on her own on her first day after rehab. But she'd talked this through with Jay and they'd agreed that it was the best for Rylie to kind of being plunged in at the deep end. No sugarcoating her new reality.

″I'm sure you know how to use your smartphone to ask Google Maps for directions, Rylie. So whatever it tells you, you take the bus, the El, whatever,″ Erin explained, not exactly as friendly as it should've been. But being no morning person at all combined with this kind of stressful morning where she barely had time to drink her beloved first cup of coffee was seriously the worst combination possible and it was always a miracle when she didn't bite anyone's head off until the caffeine in her system finally made her mood more bearable.

″Do you know how much depends on that job interview?!″ she asked incredulously, snappishly, and pulled her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie.

″I do know that Rylie,″ Erin told her, her voice a little softer now as she gazed at the young girl. ″That's why I'm sure you'll find out how to get there in time without Jay or me playing shuttle,″ she said, giving her a meaningful glance that should tell her not to screw this up. ″Listen, you may live with us now but you are responsible for yourself. Jay and I are here to support you whenever you need us but it's up to you to get up in the mornings. It's up to you to get to work in time. It's up to you to study for your classes. It's up to you to get your feet on the ground without Jay and I babysitting you.″

″Babysitting me?″ she echoed but Erin didn't react to it, only walked past her to get her coffee-to-go from the kitchen so she could at least get her first dose of caffeine on the way to the precinct as they didn't have time to stop by their favorite coffee shop on mornings like today. ″I don't need babysitting.″

″Glad we agree on that,″ she winked when she walked past her again to get to the car. ″Have a nice day, Rylie.″

″Erin, it's like an hour to get to Chicago Med with public transport,″ she complained as she looked at her phone in disbelief. ″Two busses and the El. Plus walking.″

″Great, get used to it. Because I can't remember I have cab or Uber tattooed on my forehead.″ She threw Rylie a sweet smile before she turned around and left the speechless 21-year-old alone in their house.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Is it okay that I'm scared she burns the house down or something?″ Jay chuckled when they walked up the stairs to the bullpen, Erin still sipping on her coffe that was lukewarm by now. At least it was better than no coffee at all. After mornings like the one they'd just masterfully managed to survive, coming to the precinct almost felt like going on vacation, no matter which case they would be faced with in the next hours.

″Who? Rylie?″ Erin laughed and keyed her code in. ″She took cooking classes during rehab, so I hope this is one of the last things we have to be concerned about.″

″Good. I was a little worried she sets our kitchen on fire while trying to fry some eggs or so,″ he laughed as he'd meant this question more figuratively than that he was really scared about Rylie not being able to fry some eggs.

″I think she will be fine,″ Erin answered, knowing exactly what he'd actually meant. That she didn't think they had anything to worry regarding Rylie being alone in their house.

″When's her job interview at Med?″

″2pm. She was up earlier, when you already brought the kids to the car. You should've seen her face when I told her that she has to go there by herself.″

″I bet it was priceless,″ Jay chuckled.

″You bet it was,″ Erin laughed, their conversation finding a sudden end as soon as they reached the top of the stairs and everyone else was already busy with putting on their jackets, Hank telling Erin and Jay that he'd just gotten the call about a new crime scene and that they would roll out any second, so they literally turned around on their heels to go back to the 300. This Monday morning surely didn't give them one dull moment.

Thanks to their new case, Erin didn't have too much time to think about Rylie and what she was probably doing right now but whenever they were in the 300 on the way to ask people, that had known their victim, some questions or had a minute to breathe in the bullpen, she found herself tempted to give Rylie a quick call and ask her whether she was already on the way to Chicago Med. So much for not wanting to babysit the young girl. It was easier said than done.

It was in the afternoon, when Erin and Jay returned from paying their victim's sketchy employer a visit, that Antonio welcomed them back with the words: ″There's someone who wants to see you.″ He motioned his head to the breakroom and their eyes found Rylie sitting on the chair. Erin's heartbeat immediately doubled its pace as she struggled to figure out whether this was a good sign or a bad one.

″Did she seem...devastated?″ Erin asked her colleague. When she went in there, she at least wanted to be prepared for the kind of news that were waiting for her. She couldn't tell in words how much she hoped that Rylie was here because she had good news to share. Because everything else would be a gigantic setback and she wasn't sure whether Rylie was already stable enough for that.

″Uhm...no...I don't know,″ Antonio shrugged.

″Extremely happy?″

″Uhm...no I guess,″ he answered, looking at Erin with a piercing glance as if he tried to figure out why on Earth she was asking him those questions.

″Great,″ Erin muttered under her breath, only loud enough for Jay to hear it.

″You need backup in there?″ he murmured.

″No, it's okay, but thank you,″ she smiled at him, her nervousness visible for him. With these words she made her way to the breakroom, closing the door behind herself as soon as she was inside.

″How did it go?″ she asked even before she sat down next to Rylie. The reaction that followed was enough of on answer as a bright smile appeared on the girl's face and she jumped up from the chair to hug a pretty perplex Erin.

″I got the job!″

″You got the job?″ Erin echoed in disbelief, making sure that she'd actually heard right.

″I got the job!″ Rylie repeated her words as she lifted her head and ended the embrace, her smile more genuine than ever.

″I'm so proud of you, Ry,″ Erin said and now she was the one who pulled Rylie into a hug. ″I wanna know everything. Every detail, come on,″ she added and pulled Rylie to the chairs so they could sit down, Erin being eager to hear the whole story, how Rylie had pulled it off to convince Goodwin that she should give her a chance.

″Sooo...I will mainly be in the Emergency Department but at some point I will also work in Oncology or the ICU or the Pedicatric ward or Labor and Delivery and all that, always for two weeks, so I get to know everything and can figure out what I like best. Ms Goodwin said I will mostly empty bedpans and change sheets and make runs to the lab and do all the stuff the nurses don't have time for. The first four weeks will be a test run and if I'm doing good, she extends the internship for another five months!″ she told her all excited, and it seemed like for the very first time, she couldn't stop talking. ″She said they will do unannounced drug tests and I will be supervised more closely than other interns but I guess that's only fair. For starters I will work Monday to Friday from 8am until 5pm, so I have enough time to study for my highschool diploma. Ms Goodwin wants to see all my grades to make sure that I'm actually attending all the online classes and Erin, she even said that once I graduated, we can talk about my future!″ she beamed, the disbelief in her voice showing that she couldn't believe in which direction her life was going, that suddenly everything seemed to work out and she had a real future ahead. ″And I haven't told you about the best thing yet. I'm getting paid! Not a full salary, but after these first four weeks I'll get paid! Isn't that awesome?″

For a moment, Erin was absolutely speechless. This was so much more than she'd ever expected and she didn't know how she could ever thank all the people who'd helped to make this come true. Maggie, Will, Sharon Goodwin. She all owed them big time. ″This is incredible, Rylie. I'm so happy for you,″ she smiled almost as bright as Rylie.

″I can never thank you enough for this, Erin and I don't know what to say other than: thank you,″ she said, the deepest gratitude in her voice. ″For everything. For pulling some strings so I get this opportunity. For talking with Clara so I can live with you. And for the kick in my butt this morning,″ she chuckled slightly, answering Erin's unspoken question before she could speak it out loud. ″What you said, about me being responsible for myself, it really kicked my butt. And I realized that next to being responsible for myself, I'm responsible for my son. Maybe not on paper right now, but if I ever want to be responsible for him again, I first have to be responsible for myself,″ she explained.

″I'm glad it had that effect on you,″ Erin grinned. She honestly hadn't thought that these words would have such an impact on her, would be this kind of wake-up call.

″Uh-huh,″ Rylie nodded, gnawing on her lip before she eventually exhaled a deep breath. ″Erin, there's one more thing I've been meaning to tell you...,″ she rambled, avoiding eye-contact with her.

″You...You are the first person who promised something and didn't let me down and kept this promise. You are the first person that makes me feel like I'm worth something, the first person that sees more in me than just a girl with too many problems to count and a life that's too miserable for words,″ she said quietly and only now she met her gaze again. ″And you know, I miss Ty, I miss him so much that it burns a hole in my heart. But if it wasn't for him getting killed, I would never have met you and I'm so glad I met you.″ At this point she was crying and Erin pulled her into another embrace. ″Does this make me sound like a horrible person?″ she sobbed.

″No. No, not at all,″ Erin murmured into her hair. ″You know, Jay once told me something and I more and more believe that it's true. Everything in life happens for a reason. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.″

Rylie lifted her head by those words, looked at her with tear-stained eyes, and wiped away her tears with her hand.

″This hole in your heart will always stay, Rylie. There will always be a missing piece and there's nothing you can do to refill this hole. Everyone has it. Some people have two or three holes or even more. But it's the people you still have in your life, the people that love you and that you love, that will make you feel complete anyway.″

More tears fell from Rylie's eyes by Erin's beautifully chosen words. Words only someone who's lost a loved one and knew how it felt to miss someone unbearably could choose. ″How do you do this? Always knowing what others need to hear?″

″I don't know,″ Erin smiled, her cheeks blushing a little. ″Jay's the kind of guy who always knows exactly what I need to hear. So I might have learned a thing or two from him.″

″You are one incredible person, a true role-model for me in so many ways,″ Rylie smiled weakly. ″And I don't know how I can ever thank you enough for everything you've been doing for me.″

″There's one way you can thank me,″ Erin said meaningfully and she could sense Rylie's nervousness crawling up instantly. ″One day, when I walk into Chicago Med, I want to be able to say: I want to talk with nurse Rylie Jackson.″

″You will,″ Rylie whispered but even without Rylie saying this and only from seeing this special glance in her eyes - one she knew too well and had seen many times when she'd looked in the mirror back in the bathroom of the Voight-house, being determined to become a cop and follow in Hank's footsteps - Erin knew in this moment that one day she would...

I know this was a bit of a filler chapter but I hope you liked it anyway! As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think :) next chapter we're heading towards the first Halstead-family-Christmas ;)