77. For Better Or Worse

You lovely people, thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapter! :) The other day I realized that I started writing this story two years ago. Two years later and I'm still here and so are you, so I think it's only fair to say that you're the best! I don't know whether I will keep this story going for another year but I can promise you that it won't end before I reached 100 chapters, so happy new year! :)

77. For Better Or Worse

″Come on! Come on! COME ON!″ Jay yelled, absolute panic and sheer desperation in his voice, and Erin was wide awake from one moment to the other, the sudden screams of her husband in the middle of the night making her heartbeat skipping a beat. She didn't even have to adjust her eyes to the darkness as the TV in the bedroom was still running on low volume, the news channel reporting about nothing but the shooting spree and its aftermath. When they'd gone to bed a couple of hours prior, Jay'd refused to turn the TV off even though she'd begged him multiple times as she didn't want to see the pictures anymore, couldn't hear about the stories of the victims anymore, the number of deaths by then increased to 20 with countless in critical condition, and at some point she'd fallen into some kind of slumber that had surprisingly turned into real sleep.

Until now, 3.14am. When she discovered that her husband must've fallen asleep at some point as well and was currently battling a nightmare or more or less processing the happenings of the day, fighting against demons she had no idea how big they actually were.

Because he wouldn't tell her.

″Jay!″ she called quickly, turning on the lamp on her bedside table so the room was illuminated by more than the flickering of the TV that she turned off, the remote lying in between them in the bed. But as soon as there was enough light so she could really see Jay, she couldn't hold back the sharp breath that escaped her lips. The old police academy shirt he was wearing was soaked, sweat was covering his forehead and his face was full of pain she guessed didn't come from his cracked ribs. His breathing was erratic and nowhere near of being normal. She didn't need a second to figure out that this wasn't just a nightmare. This was what he was battling with that he held back from her. This was the reason why he was far from being okay. This was the first time in all these years that she saw him like this and it scared the crap out of her. And made her feel endlessly helpless because she had no idea how to handle the situation, how to approach him, how to help him to get better. Because she'd not been there the last time this had happened. He'd been battling his demons alone. Or with the help of Mouse at the best.

She didn't have time to think too much about it as she needed to get him out of this nightmare, this battle, as fast as possible, and so she simply did the only thing she was sure couldn't be wrong: placing her hand on his wet shirt, right above his heart, rubbing soothing circles onto it and calling him by his name softly.

″Jay,″ she said, trying to hide the nervous undertone in her voice as good as possible and increasing the pressure on his chest. ″Wake up, babe. You're fine. I'm here and you're not alone.″

He didn't seem to hear her, his breathing staying labored and she could feel his heart pouding under her hand in a rhythm that was anything but healthy. ″Jay!″ she said more emphatic, her voice louder than before in an desperate attempt to get through to him. ″Jay, wake up!″

″Jay!″ she called and finally his eyes flew open, his body shooting up wheezing, his wide pupils adjusting to the surroundings that were different than the surroundings that he'd expected. A soft mattress, even softer pillows and a warming comforter instead of the dusty, sandy ground of the Afghan desert and the torrid sun burning down on him. His wife sitting next to him, her hand gently right above his heart, instead of the young boy lying on the ground, bleeding out in front of him. His hands sweaty but not wet of the deep red liquid called blood.

″I...I...,″ he stammered, his blue eyes wide as he looked at her, not being able to form any sentence of the English language. ″I'm...sorry,″ he breathed out and untangled himself from the blanket, sneaking out of the room faster than Erin was able to hold him back, to realize what he was doing.

″Jay!″ she called, a feeling of overextension settling inside of her as she watched him disappear, as she had the feeling the man she loved was about to disappear, as she had the feeling he was somehow slipping away, walking out of the life they'd built.

She gave herself another minute to take a couple of deep breaths and calm herself down, telling her worst-case-scenario-creating brain that it should shut the fuck up and stop picturing a future where he became a different man, and once she had herself more or less under control, she threw the blanket back as well, slipped into the cozy socks that lay on the ground next to the bed and took off Jay's blackhawks shirt she was wearing, slipping into a fresh one from her dresser on her way out of the bedroom.

She found his soaked shirt discarded on the stairs, which was absolutely unlike him as he was usually the neat freak, always placing the things where they belonged and never leaving a mess behind. Making her way downstairs, her thoughts swirled around how to approach him, how to talk to him but by the time she reached the kitchen, her mind, that was all over the place, hasn't come up with any brilliant masterplan. She glanced around and found him sitting on the step that led from the patio in the garden, a glass of whiskey or any other hard liquor in his hand, an almost full bottle on the floor next to him. It was a scenery that somehow made her swallow hardly and she decided to give him another minute even if that meant he could pour more of the burning liquid down his throat.

A minute turned into three as she heated up water to make him a calming tea and on her way out, the blackhawks shirt thrown over her shoulder and the mug in one hand, she grabbed the cozy blanket that lay on the backrest of the couch. She managed to open the french window and placed the blanket and shirt on the table for now so she could try to make him exchange his current drink for the mug of hot tea she was carrying in her hand.

″Take this,″ she said gently as she sat down next to him, putting the whiskey bottle away and out of reach for him.

″Huh,″ he almost laughed sarcastically. ″That's not the same,″ he said, taking an extra long sip from his whiskey to prove his point, a gesture that hurt her more than she'd expected.

″Exactly. That's why I want you to drink that instead of that,″ she answered, motioning her head to the glass in his hand that was almost empty for the second time.

″That doesn't help,″ he said, motioning his head to the mug and bringing the glass to his lips again, ready to empty it with one long sip although the refill was out of his sight.

″So doesn't this.″ Erin brought her hand up to the glass before it reached his lips and softly pushed his hand down so the liquid would hopefully not come close to his lips again tonight. ″And we both know that, right?″

He turned his head to her, looking at her with those ocean blue eyes that seemed so lost, that were full of a pain he didn't want to share with her. Erin completely wrapped her hand around his hand that was holding the glass, hoping that her touch could give him the comfort her presence right now couldn't. ″Please,″ she pleaded quietly, her voice nothing more than a whisper that almost disappeared in the darkness of the night. Her eyes, that were burning with tears she didn't allow to fall, never left his and after what seemed like minutes of intense staring, he handed her the glass without saying another word.

″Thank you,″ she breathed out and offered him the mug of tea instead. He took it with reluctance but at least he took it. She got up and gave their flowers a quick whiskey shower by emptying his glass before placing it on the patio table together with the bottle, grabbing the shirt and the blanket instead.

″Here,″ she said as she took the spot next to him again, handing him the black shirt with the logo of his favorite ice hockey team she'd worn until a couple of minutes ago.

For a moment she had the feeling that a confused glance was all she would get, but then: ″This is your shirt,″ he noticed.

″Well, basically it's still yours,″ she smiled faintly. ″You know, I don't only regularly steal your shirts and wear them because they're huge and hella comfortable. I wear them because they smell of you and this makes me feel safe, especially when you're at work during the night. So I thought now that it smells of me, it could probably...make you feel safe,″ she explained, giving him a meaningful glance with eyes full of concern.

″Thank you,″ he said and reached for the shirt without the reluctance he'd taken the mug a minute ago. He even tried to give her a small smile. The fact that it stayed with a try didn't go unnoticed by Erin of course.

He placed the mug down on the step and carefully slipped into the shirt, Erin watching his slow movements and dark purple bruises on his ribcage sternly and once the fabric covered his bare torso, Jay could somehow feel Erin's warmness on his cool skin, the smell of vanilla and raspberry invading his nostrils and for a moment everything seemed so perfectly normal.

Despite the fact that it wasn't. Neither perfect nor normal.

Silence started to surround them as Erin wrapped the blanket around them so they wouldn't get sick by the chilly breeze of this fall night and for a while the only noise was Jay trying to sip on his tea while Erin just sat next to him, trying to show him that she was there for him, that he wasn't alone and that she was ready to help him carry whatever he's obviously been carrying around for a while already.

″Talk to me Jay,″ she somewhen said shyly, hesitatingly, being afraid of getting another lie or anything else, that would do nothing but hurting her, in response.

Her request neither made him move, his eyes still peering down on the mug in his hand, nor did it make him open his mouth and share this dark chapter of his past with her and just when Erin had the feeling that she's never heard a silence that deafening before, when she thought that they were taking so many steps back to a level she didn't want them to be, some words left his lips.

″There's...I...I can't...,″ he stammered. ″This...this is my burden. Not yours.″ He didn't even dare to look her in the eyes, being scared of what this words have done to her. But it was better like this. And soon everything would be fine again. Without her having to carry this burden as well. He just needed a little bit of time. That was at least what he was constantly telling himself.

″Hey,″ she said softly and very much to his surprise after how he'd just rejected her help, her reaching out to be there for him, and she placed her hand on his lower arm before she added: ″For better or worse, you remember?″

For whatever reason, these words, these remembrance of their wedding vows somehow caught him off-guard. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he'd promised all of these things to her at Lake Geneva, back in a life when he'd been on cloud nine. Before this well known darkness had started to surround him again, threatening to swallow him whole. Before this morning in fact.

Always remember your wedding vows. They are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep. Suddenly, beyond all the horrible pictures that were still making themselves a home in his head, he clearly saw the picture of Camille Voight right in front of his eyes and heard her voice directly speaking to him, like she'd had in the video they'd gotten from her on their wedding day. This had been her only advise and probably the best they could've gotten.

It was only in this moment that something clicked inside of him. He wasn't alone anymore. Other than the other times when he'd fought battles no one should be forced to fight, he wasn't alone anymore. And he didn't have to fight this battle alone. Yes, he wanted to protect her from all these horrifying things, but for what price? He'd married this wonderful, kind woman with the biggest heart, had given her a promise for eternity. To share his joy with her in good times and his struggles in bad times. What was the worth of their vows if he didn't keep them? If he tried to keep on fighting this battle alone instead of letting her help him? He wasn't alone anymore. She was a part of him now, too. And just because he thought she was better off without knowing the whole story didn't mean that she couldn't feel his pain. Because this was what happened when two people became one: they could feel the pain regardless. And by not telling her he was most likely putting her through more pain than sharing this chapter of his past with her would.

He always wanted Erin to open up to him when things got rough, when she was building up walls again, after all this time of being together somehow even expected her to open up to him whenever there was something that would usually make her crawl back into some kind of hole of burried feelings. But in favor to protect her from the things he was going through, he'd totally forgotten about the fact that it was the same for her, that this was mutual. That he had to let his walls down as well instead of building them up as high that at some point they would probably become too much of an obstacle for them.

And in fact, he hasn't held this back from her because he couldn't actually tell her. He's held this back from her because he loved her as much that he was too afraid of what it could do to her. Because he loved her as much that he just wanted to protect her from knowing about this chapter of his life and everything that came with it.

And so he'd pushed her away. The woman who was the reason why he hasn't had a single nightmare in forever, her presence being enough for him to sleep like a baby, like she was shielding him from all these demons. The woman who would make it her task to lift this weight off his shoulders so they could carry it together and at some point simply discard it somewhere. The woman who was in fact the only person in the world who could help him through this.

″Today brought back a lot of memories...,″ he started to tell her, his voice low and his eyes fixated on some dark spot in the back of their garden.

″I know,″ Erin said quietly, her hand moving from his arm to his back to draw some soothing and encouraging circles onto it.

The fact that she'd known that this was about his past didn't surprise him. Yet, it made him feel even more guilty for leaving her in the dark for so long. While she naturally couldn't read his mind to figure the story behind it out herself, she could read his feelings, emotions and behavior like an open book, so the last couple of hours she's probably suffered as much as he had.

″It was during my third tour in Afghanistan...quite early on...″ he finally found the courage to tell her. ″It was summer, the sun was burning down on us every day and we had our camp in a valley between the mountains. It was our task to observe and check out all those homesteads and villages around there. Rumor had it that some Taliban commanders were hiding in that area,″ he said, inhaling a deep breath and Erin knew that now something was coming up that had to do with his nightmare. ″From time to time locals came by, mostly women and kids. We would give them water and sometimes candy or other food. One day, there was this one kid...his name was...his name was Nael. He brought this super old soccer ball with him and when I wanted to give him candy he only shook his head and put his ball on the ground instead, kicking it to me. He couldn't speak English but I understood his request and so I played with him for a while. From this day on he came every day and he smiled so bright when he saw me. He made those days better. His smile, his laughter, it was a little bit of life out there. At least for a week...″ Jay's lip was trembling, tears brimming in his eyes, his hand forming into a fist and once more he had to inhale deeply to keep himself together.

″It was a week after I met him for the first time when intel told us that three very high ranked Taliban are fortifying in an old homestead, that was more of a ruin than anything else, around 3 miles south of our base. Word was that they've been hiding there for weeks. That day we were told to bomb them out during dawn on the following morning. The thing was...my team and I had been there only two weeks before to observe the place for three days and there hadn't been a single sign of any Taliban...but you know what you do when you're fighting a war on the other side of the world and any minute the enemy could raid you?″ he asked rhetorically and shook his head slightly. ″You don't question things. Although you sometimes should.″

He still stared into the darkness of the night, not being able to look at her as he knew he would break down then. ″So we got there before the sun was rising. We were a small team and I was the highest ranked ranger, so naturally I was the man in charge...the one to make the call...″ His voice trailed off and Erin saw him swallowing hardly.

″I somehow had a bad feeling about that...but it didn't...it didn't hold me back from...making the call,″ he said, his voice disgusted by himself, by the things he'd done. ″We bombed this homestead out just like we were supposed to and only when we removed our earplugs after the detonation we heard the screams. Of women. And kids. I've never heard people scream like this before and I knew instantly that something's gone terribly wrong there...″ Once again his voice broke and Erin didn't know how much longer he could hold back the tears that were filling his eyes, when he would completely break because this wasn't a matter if he would break, it was only a matter of when.

″We went in there...and found a massacre caused by us...by me. We found ten children and four women, some of them as injured, mutilated and burned that you wouldn't even see their faces anymore. One of the women was heavily pregnant but there was nothing we could do anymore...she was dead and so was her unborn child... They were victims of the war, nomads, their homes taken by people like me. They were just looking for a safe place where she could give birth to her baby...and then...″ His fists were absolutely white by now, almost like there was blood running through them right now, the tone of his voice bitter yet devastated.

″I...I gazed around, we all did, looking for anyone that we could still help...and my eyes found a familiar face...″

″Nael,″ Erin concluded whispering, all those pictures slowly but finally falling into place.

Jay nodded absently in response, battling with his emotions, with the pictures that flooded him, that flashed right in front of his eyes. ″He...he had a huge wound on his stomach...his entrails were already-...but he was breathing,″ he stammered, not being able to form full sentences as those pictures almost made him throw up. ″I...I tried to...to stop the bleeding with my hands...I talked to him...he opened his eyes and looked at me...he tried to smile at me...he fucking tried to smile at me. And then his heart stopped beating...just like this.″ He was whispering in the end and Erin knew that the breakdown wasn't far now and as much as she tried to be strong for him, she was as close to breaking as he was.

″I started CPR, tried to get him back...I don't know for how long...at some point Mouse told me to let go...they needed two men to pull me away from him. There...there were no survivors that day...four women and ten children killed by, how we later learned, wrong information,″ he rambled and shook his head as if he still couldn't believe it and exhaled deeply. ″This boy walked more than 6 miles every day only to play soccer with me for not even 30 minutes. And I killed him,″ he whispered. ″The way he looked at me in this short moment...I was his hero who was there for him, trying to save him. But he shouldn't have to be saved in first place...he needed salvation because of me,″ he said quietly. ″I killed them all. I killed him...I fucking killed him.″

That was the point when he couldn't hold anything back anymore, when he finally broke and she broke with him. Because she was at a loss of words. Because there were no appropriate words. Because there was nothing she could do to make him feel better, to take his pain away. Because there was no gesture that could make this okay, that could give him the comfort she desperately wanted to give him.

Her hand was still on his back, her other hand covering her mouth as she tried to swallow down the heavy sobs that threatened to escape her lips, tears running down her cheek. She couldn't see his face as he was covering it with his hands but she could hear him crying, could see it. And feel it. How his sobs made his whole body shake.

They sat there, on the step of their patio, in the light of their garden lanterns, in the darkness of this October night, no further words being exchanged for a while. But she was there. Next to him. And she would stay there for the rest of her life because this was exactly where she needed to be.

″Jay,″ she somewhen said quietly, her own voice still shaking a bit. ″I know you don't want to hear that and you probably won't believe me but this wasn't your fault. You did what they told you to do. You were following orders and there was nothing you could've done to prevent any of this. You weren't in a position to disagree.″ She knew this was not nearly enough to make him feel better, mainly because there was no better tonight, and just when she'd spoken it out loud in a helpless attempt to help him, she wondered whether those words rather had the capacity to make things even worse.

″I had a bad feeling,″ he said slowly. ″I told them that two weeks ago nothing indicated that any Taliban were there. I should've...tried more...that they let us check it out again before throwing bombs.″

″And get yourselves killed in case the information was right? Or ending up as prisoners of the war?″ Erin asked. ″No Jay, you were right when you said that you don't question things when you're in a warzone because you don't expect information to be wrong. You did that because you thought you finish off some bad guys.″

″And still, their blood will forever be on my hands,″ he answered quietly and looked at her for what felt like the first time in a lifetime, his blue eyes even bluer than usual. That's when she realized that the biggest demon was probably himself.

″Jay,″ she whispered, her hand traveling from his back to his jaw so she could cup his cheek. ″I know there's nothing in this world that can make this okay. There are no words that can make you feel better. But I will tell you this for the rest of our lives if I have to and someday you will maybe accept it: This wasn't your fault. You were the good guy, fighting a war on the other side of the world against the bad guys and you did what this war required you to do. We both know you would never have thrown those bombs in this building if you'd known that there were innocent children and women in there. But you didn't know.″ She pressed her lips against his, as somehow expected not getting any response, and then leaned her forehead against his, the salty taste of his lips still on hers.

″Thank you for telling me,″ she murmured into the silence.

Jay lifted his head and looked at her. She shouldn't have to thank him for something like this. It should be a naturalness that he was telling her stuff like this. But yet, it wasn't. And she knew that. That's why he didn't answer anything, because he didn't have the words and maybe his glance could tell her more than words anyway.

Whatever his eyes were telling her that his mouth couldn't, she seemed to understand. ″Let's go to bed,″ she said and reached for his arm to pull him up.

″I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight...I should probably just-″

″Jay,″ she said softly, knowing that he was afraid of closing his eyes because all the pictures would come back with full force then. ″You will.″

That was all she said and there was something in her eyes, in her voice, that made him believe her and so he nodded and got up and when they walked inside and upstairs, her fingers laced through his, he felt like the weight on his shoulders wasn't as heavy anymore and that even though he hadn't felt it in the first moment, telling Erin about it, has changed something.

They lay down in their king-sized bed and she snuggled up as close to him as possible from behind, her hand traveling under his shirt and resting on the bare skin of his stomach, her fingertips occasionally tracing some random patterns onto it. She held him close to her own body, hoping that she could give him back the comfort he was usually giving her after a particularly hard day when the only thing that could make her world right was his presence, his scent, his embrace. At some point, his hand joined hers under his shirt and he laced his fingers through hers, squeezing her hand gently. It was an unspoken thank you, a way of saying without words that he was glad that she was there. Naturally, Erin understood the unspoken and snuggled even closer to his strong body, hoping that she could be the human shield for him tonight that protected him from all those demons, most of all from his own.

Sleep didn't come easy but at some point it came. And the only thing one could consider a nightmare was when Emilia decided around 6am that sleep was for the weak.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

When there was another thing that could help Jay to get better, it was family time. An endless amount of family time. Because even though he was doing a lot better after sharing his story in their backyard the other night, the events at Maggie Daley and this very personal aftermath have left their traces and just because he'd talked it off his chest didn't mean it was also out of his mind. He would carry this around for some time but he wouldn't carry it alone. Erin would carry it with him, for him, as much as she could. Just yesterday, on Saturday, so merely 24 hours after the shooting spree, he'd told her that he just wanted to protect her from his demons and had apologized for lying to her in first place, for pushing her away and had then thanked her that she'd somehow pushed him into this direction of telling her, that it had helped him to share this part of his past instead of keeping it to himself and together they'd once more concluded that even though they were both not really big talkers when it came to problems and their pasts, sometimes talking was the best out of all options, the only one that actually helped. And probably they should for once simply remember this from the very beginning next time.

″You up for this adventure?″ Erin asked Jay one day later, on Sunday morning after breakfast, when they were in the hallway, she helping Luke to take his shoes and jacket on properly and Jay kneeling on the floor as well, dressing Emmy in her little shoes and her jacket. As the sun was shining brightly from the sky today there was at least no need to bring scarves, hats and gloves along for this adventure that they attended together as a family for a very first time, that Erin attended for the very first time at all: the Pumpkin Patch. They'd cancelled the World-Series-Evening with their friends, everyone of course understanding their reasons after what happened on Friday, and were now off to enjoy some very precious, healing family time.

″Absolutely,″ Jay answered with a smile. It wasn't his trademark Halstead smile so far but given the fact that just on the night from Friday to Saturday she hadn't thought she would see him smile again anytime soon, she took this smile in a heartbeat. ″Right Emmy, we're ready to find some pumpkins?″ he asked his daughter and scooped her from the floor into his arms, grimacing a little as he'd once again forgotten about those ribs that didn't like this kind of movement.

″Easy Jay,″ Erin reminded him, shooting him a concerned glance.

″I want the biggest pumpkin,″ Luke exclaimed excitedly.

″Of course you do,″ Erin laughed and ran her hand through his blonde hair. ″Everyone ready to roll then?″

″Yes yes yes,″ Luke giggled, jumping up and down in front of them, Crispin barking in joy and running around them as well.

″Alright, then let's get out of here,″ Jay said and with all the stuff they loaded in the car, stroller, diaper bag, toys and a picnic basket with tons of foods and drinks one could almost think they were about to leave town for a couple of days when it was in fact only a daytrip that led them about 60 miles away from Chicago and into the countryside.

The car ride went surprisingly smooth, without any meltdowns or other catastrophes they might have expected, just as they had expected Luke to constantly ask how much longer they had to drive. But the young boy seemed to be mesmerized by the story he was listening to on the iPod and even went all big-brother-like when Emilia had her little moment because she wanted her bottle with cold fennel tea. He reached for her bottle and held it for her so she could suck on it, her tiny hands wrapping around the bottle as well because their little Miss Independent had to prove a point that she was perfectly capable of holding her bottle on her own.

They arrived at the farm in the countryside of Illinois after a little over an hour of driving, ready to enter the countless pumpkin fields and pick up the best ones. But before they looked for the pumpkins that should decorate their porch in the next two weeks until Halloween, they went on a wagon ride through the hayfield, visited the children's zoo where Luke couldn't stop to pet all the various animals while Emilia was completely fascinated by having other animals than their dog around. Their bright smiles and joyful giggles made Jay's smile grow bigger and his laughters louder and when Erin gazed at him as he knelt on the floor, Emmy and Luke standing in front of him to pet a shetland pony, one arm around Emilia's waist so she had the stabilization she needed to stand and his other arm around Luke's waist, the brightest of smiles spread over her face. Seeing him like this, like this amazing father, was everything. Seeing him happy was everything. Especially after everything that had happened in the last 48 hours, after fearing to lose the man she loved to his demons, to lose this man.

Their adventure continued with the corn-maze, a picnic in the sun and eventually with picking up some pumpkins they could give all kind of scary faces later.

″I want this one,″ Luke said, running to a particular big pumpkin in the Cinderella field, where the best pumpkins were supposed to be.

″Don't you think that's a little too big for you young man?″ Jay asked as he joined him.

″Nooo!″ Luke giggled and shook his head.

″Alright, then this one for Luke,″ he agreed and picked the pumpkin up to put it into the cart that was already half-occupied by Emilia, who was sitting in there, having an obvious blast.

″Look at that, a pumpkin with a pumpkin,″ Jay grinned when Emmy started to explore the pumpkin with her hands immediately.

″How's that Emmy?″ Erin asked and Emilia babbled something in response in her own language and clapsed her hands against the pumpkin, looking at her parents with that big smile that was half Jay's and half Erin's with those dimples from her mom as a bonus.

″Very much into pumpkins I'd say,″ Jay laughed and pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans to take some pictures of their little sunshine, of Emmy and Erin, and Luke and Emmy before he handed his phone to Erin so she could take some silly photos of him and Emmy and Luke and Crispin and those orange vegetables.

They loaded more pumpkins into their cart, Luke choosing them proudly and Jay picking them up until Erin at some point asked what they even wanted to do with six pumpkins that were all quite big. Jay agreed that probably six pumpkins were enough to carve, especially since Erin has never carved one in her life before, and so they left the farm in the early afternoon with six pumpkins in their trunk and two sleeping children on the backseat that were completely tuckered out from the adventures of this sunny October day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

By the time they returned to the familiar streets of Chicago's suburbs, Luke was wide awake again and Emilia woke up from her sweet dreams when Jay carefully picked her up from the car seat into his arms. In the first moment she was anything but happy about that circumstance and hid her head against Jay's shoulder, something she used to do when she was either tired or not content with the current situation. As soon as she was reunited with all her toys in the living room though, her good mood returned and so Erin, Jay and Luke could start the second part of their adventure on the patio: the carving.

″How is it?″ Jay asked, smirking mischievously as he eyed Erin who had her whole lower arm inside the pumpkin.

″Gross,″ she grimaced and pulled her hand back to throw more of the slimy stuff into the garbage next to her, Crispin always making sure that the stuff that fell on the ground wouldn't stay there for too long.

″Oh come on, it's not that bad,″ he chuckled, finding amusement in her facial expression.

″Seriously I have the feeling I have this slimy stuff everywhere,″ she complained, looking at her arm and hand that were indeed orange and full of pumpkin insides.

″That's probably because you have it everywhere,″ he laughed heartily and reached out with his hand that hadn't been inside the pumpkin, to swipe away some of the stuff, how she called it, from her cheek with his thumb.

″Great,″ she chuckled. ″I bet there's some in my hair as well.″

″Uhm, positive,″ Jay smirked. ″You probably need a long shower later,″ he murmured with a low growl and the effect on Erin came immediately as she felt heat crawling up inside of her body.

″Huh,″ she breathed out and looked at him sheepishly, her eyes telling him the answer he wanted to hear: hell yes.

To keep his mind from going to this place, their shower, now already, imagining how he would worship her body under the steamy water to make love with her, he turned around to Luke, who was sitting in one of the patio chairs and skimmed through a book with carving templates. ″You already decided for one, buddy?″

″Yes, this,″ he answered and turned the book around to show them the picture of a spider that looked quite complicated to carve.

″Jay's going to do that one with you,″ Erin laughed as she looked at the picture as well. She had no idea how she should even carve a simple scary face into the pumpkin's surface and the template Luke's chosen surpassed her carving abilities many times over.

″What, why me?″ he half-complained.

″Because you're the perfectionist and I know that you'll make it look exactly like that,″ she winked at her husband, giving him an innocent smirk as well, knowing that he couldn't even argue about that.

Carving six pumpkins and giving them all kind of scary faces took exactly the endless amount of time Erin had expected, especially since Jay was somehow obsessed with making it look like the templates, just as expected as well. In between their project, they ordered pizza, Erin not having the nerve to stand in the kitchen and cook something herself, and by the time she brought Emmy upstairs to bathe her and tuck her in, Luke and Jay were still on the patio, Luke giving strict directions and Jay being as concentrated and ambitious, it was actually hilarious.

Coming back downstairs after Emilia was sound asleep, the end was finally in sight and after some last carvings to perfect the faces, all the pumpkins were done, the ones Jay'd carved naturally looking like masterpieces, especially compared to Erin's simple faces. Her first one had been an absolute disaster and instead of a face it only had one big hole.

″I knew you're a pumpkin-nerd,″ she laughed when she surveyed the results of this hours-long work.

″I prefer the term genius,″ Jay chuckled and pressed a short kiss against his wife's smiling lips.

″Can we put the lights in?″ Luke asked, interrupting their little moment quickly. ″Please?″

Jay gazed at the watch around his wrist and the numbers showed him that it was already past Luke's usual bedtime, even though only a couple of minutes. But given that tomorrow was his first day at preschool, it was about time for him to go to bed. ″We put in some lights quickly so you can see them and then tomorrow evening, we will put them all on the porch, okay?″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly.

″Here you go,″ Erin said and helped Jay to put the candles into the pumpkins. She then turned the garden lanterns off so the only light on the patio was the flickering of the flames they saw through the pumpkins' faces.

″Wow,″ Luke whispered fascinated.

″You like it?″ Jay asked.

″That's so cool,″ the blonde boy beamed. ″I have to tell mommy.″

″You can do that tomorrow when she calls, okay? Then you can tell her about all our pumpkin adventures today. But now even little pumpkin adventurers have to go to bed,″ Jay said, hoping that this wouldn't end in another meltdown because anything that had to do with Rylie was still something Luke was absolutely sensitive about, especially when he was tired.

″Will you read me a story?″ he asked, obviously having one of his better days.

″Whichever story you want, buddy,″ Jay winked and picked the 4-year-old up into his arms to carry him inside.

Erin blew out the candles to avoid any possible fire catastrophe and then followed them quickly. ″Should I already get that shower going?″ she asked all innocent and casual, leaning in the doorway to Luke's room and watching Jay how he helped Luke into his pajamas.

″Absolutely,″ he grinned at her and now it seemed like that the smile, that was on his face, was his trademark one. Erin's heartbeat might doubled its pace in that moment.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Jay?″ Erin whispered later that evening, when they were lying in their bed, the adrenaline from their love-making still rushing through their bodies and keeping them awake. In addition, their bodies were not used to going to bed that early but they had quite some sleep to catch up on, so after their hot shower, they'd decided to give it a try and go to bed early, hoping that sleep would overcome them soon.

"Huh?" he asked back and subsconsciously pulled her closer to his body so he could bury his head in her damp hair that smelled of raspberry, mint and vanilla.

"Can you promise me one thing?"

"That depends," he laughed lightly.

"I'm serious," she said and turned her head to face him. "In case something from your past comes up again and for some reason I can't help you to deal with it, promise me you will get help in some other way. Through a support group or talking to Dr Charles. Promise me no matter what that you will fight and do everything possible that this darkness doesn't eat you up."

"I promise," he answered without hesitation and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″Thank you for the other night, Er. For pushing me and not giving up,″ he added quietly.

″There's absolutely nothing you have to thank me for, babe,″ she answered.

″I feel like there's a lot I have to thank you for,″ he disagreed, his eyes never leaving hers as he opened up a little more. ″Without you pushing me and being there...I don't know where I would be right now.″

″Huh,″ was all Erin answered and she wondered what he meant with this statement. Didn't he know where he would be mentally or physically? Would only be his mind at a dark place or would Jay himself be at some dark place, trying to forget, to ignore? Those thoughts made her shudder and forced her to swallow hardly. If this was the case they'd been closer to losing all they had than she'd thought and it made her realize that their life was fragile anytime, no matter how solid it seemed. Simply because fate had screwed with them in the past too often.

″What did...?″ she asked, inhaling a breath as her voice broke. ″What made you tell me?″

″Uhm...our wedding vows,″ he said, never taking his eyes away from her. ″When you said for better or worse, something clicked, something that hadn't clicked before,″ he admitted. ″I remembered what I promised you and what I told you. And I figured that this was the point where I had to prove that what I said back then wasn't just some empty rhetoric and that our vows are worth something. And I remembered Camille's advise. And when we later lay in bed and your hand travelled under my shirt to give me comfort, I remembered one more thing.″

″Yeah?″ she asked hoarsely and swallowed down her emotions. ″What?″

″Your vows. How you said that I love you even harder during the hard times. And in that moment, when your warm hand rested on my stomach and just before I laced my fingers through yours, I realized that you love me even harder during the hard times as well because I felt exactly this,″ he told her honestly, his voice low. ″So much love that I possibly didn't even deserve in that moment.″

″You deserve all the love and I love you with every fiber of my body, Jay Halstead. Anytime. And Forever,″ she whispered and pressed her lips against his all soft. ″Never forget that.″

″Only when you never forget that I fucking love you,″ he said hoarsely, his lips forming a little smile and a short giggle escaped from Erin's lips by his choice of words. I fucking love you. Now that was something new.

″Never,″ she smiled and once again their lips melted slowly, all the vulnerability they were carrying around with them lying in it.

Their kisses were delicate and unhurried, filled with a whole bunch of emotions, gratitude and love. And when those kisses deepened, probably the most vulnerable love-making just around the corner, they both somehow remembered their vows again. They would battle through the bad times together and revel in the good times. They would handle the downs and enjoy the ups. For better or worse. That's what they'd promised each other and they would give everything to keep this promise forever...

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)