76. Lifesaver

Sorry for putting you through this cliffhanger (I know it was eeeeevil) but here comes the chapter you've been waiting for...

76. Lifesaver

There were two scenarios of time standing still. Number one was when something extremely positive and joyful happened and a moment just felt all sorts of unreal and too good and beautiful to be true. Number two was when something extremely negative happened, something that ripped your heart out of your chest and splitted you in two, panic creeping up inside of you, the air trapping in your lungs, the whole universe closing in around you, everyone around you moving while you stood there, unable to move, to think, to speak, to breathe, all those moments of time standing still in the most positive way flashing right in front of your eyes. Moments that could probably never be repeated again and would soon only be memories from a time when life had been wonderful. From before. Before some psychos had run into Maggie Daley Park to shoot innocent children and their parents that just wanted to enjoy a beautiful fall day there. Before there had been a shooting spree at one of Chicago's biggest playgrounds, leaving a massacre and countless victims behind. Before you had probably lost someone you loved with all your heart, someone who was the reason you lived for.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Hank's Escalade speeded through the side roads of Chicago to get to Maggie Daley Park as fast as possible, the main roads full of cars, panicked drivers trying to turn around before getting to close to the area where the shooting spree had happened, creating an absolute chaos by doing so and keeping first responders from getting to the location as fast as possible. Erin was sitting on the passenger's seat, her facial color still resembling the one of a ghost, and frantically tried to call Jay. But neither did she even get connected, nor did any message she wrote him go out. The service was completely down as too many people tried to reach the people they loved, the people that would probably never be able to answer any phone call or text message ever again.

Over their radios they constantly got new information. Information Erin tried not to listen to but she couldn't turn her hearing off like some light and so she heard about all the horrifying things first hand. They were talking about lots of bodies and called for more ambulances and helicopters as they had too many victims with shooting wounds and too few medical people around that could keep those who were badly injured from dying. So far, they'd declared 13 dead, without saying whether it were children or adults, and countless with bad injuries that could turn fatal quickly, letting those number of dead people rise even further. The shooters seemed to be on the run and whichever police officer was not needed on the scene was out looking for the two shooters so they couldn't continue their shooting spree through Chicago downtown to take many more innocent lives.

″They'll be alright, kiddo,″ Hank said, reaching for her shaking hand to squeeze it and give her the comfort his voice couldn't as it sounded like a desperate wish and nothing he was totally convinced of. Because how could he possibly be convinced that his son-in-law, his granddaughter and his foster-grandson were not some of the victims? All he could do was hoping that tragedy hadn't caught up on Erin once more and trying to stay positive for her sake although it wouldn't change anything for her right now. He knew she was at a different place, one she shouldn't be at, dealing with things she shouldn't be faced to deal with.

Erin didn't answer anything, only nodded her head mechanically as she tried to keep herself under control, telling herself over and over again that Jay, Emilia, Luke and Robert were not amongst those who'd caught a deadly bullet, that they hadn't caught a bullet at all and were fine. Rattled and shocked but fine. But how high were the chances for such a scenario really? For sure smaller than the chance that fate was throwing another rock at her by robbing her of her family, taking away everything good in her life. Different to all the things life had thrown at her before, losing Emmy and Jay was something she could and would never recover from and somebody could just simply take her life then as well.

The thoughts of what she would see at the scene made her stomach turn in one never-ending circle but she'd insisted on coming along as she couldn't stay back at the 21st, waiting for someone to deliver her the news no one deserved to receive. She had to be there, had to be involved, had to find Jay, Emmy, Luke, Crispin and Robert, had to wrap her arms around them and hold them close, feel them all breathing against her body. If they were indeed still breathing and not amongst those whose bodies were covered by some blankets and body bags.

Pictures flooded her mind, cruel pictures that shouldn't be there but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't do anything against it, couldn't hold them back as she saw Jay and Emmy lying on the ground in their own blood, their blue eyes wide open, bullet wounds to their heads and chests, their lives gone, taken by some psychos, only leaving their bodies behind. By these thoughts and pictures, she couldn't hold the feeling of nausea down any longer that had settled in her stomach the moment the plate had fallen to the ground and her heart had stopped beating.

″Pull over,″ she managed to say through gritted teeth, her breathing heavy yet too fast and Hank only looked at her for a second before he slammed on the breaks just in time for her to jump out of the car and empty the contents of her stomach on the side of the road.

″Erin!″ Hank called and jumped out of the car as well to be by her side, his hand finding a spot on her back in an attempt to comfort and calm her. ″They'll be okay,″ he helplessly said once more, trying to keep his own fear down so he could be strong for her and handed her a tissue so she could clean her mouth.

She turned her head to him, her forehead covered in cold sweat and she glanced at him like she's never had before, with eyes full of fear and doubt and something else: grief. Grief for what she was very sure she'd lost although she didn't know anything so far. ″And if not?″ she asked back weakly, her voice barely a whisper and without waiting for an answer, she walked past him and took the spot on the passenger's seat again.

Not that Hank could've given her an answer anyway.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Massacre was an understatement for what the Intelligence Unit and any other cop on scene had to deal with. Bullets, blood and bodies all over the playground, dozens of paramedics trying to safe lives, firemen taking care of those who weren't as badly injured and of those who were under shock, psychologists taking care of those who'd lost a child or a parent.

″Jay!″ Erin yelled as soon as she was out of the car, running across the playground without waiting for any instructions or anyone to follow.

″Spread out,″ Hank told the rest of the unit, Erin's heartbreaking calls for her family hearable in the distance. ″Al, I want you to follow Erin.″

″Sarge, what if...?″ Kevin asked quietly, not daring to speak out loud the option of them finding their colleague and friend and the little girl, Hank considered his granddaughter and they all loved like their own, dead.

″Hey! Jay's fine, okay?″ Antonio called. ″He'll be back with Erin tonight and back with us next week. And the same goes for Emilia.″

″Everything goes through me,″ Hank answered Kevin's question. ″Let's all just pray there's nothing that has to go through me,″ he added and towards the end his voice almost broke, the emotions evident in his face and voice and everyone nodded silently, praying inwardly that they didn't have to tell their boss that they'd found his granddaughter's and son-in-law's lifeless bodies.

″Let's go,″ Antonio said and gave his younger colleague a pat on the back. ″Once we found Jay, we'll start investigating and talk to witnesses. Alright?″ he asked, still trying to stay positive and looked at his boss to make sure that it was in his interest that he was taking the lead on this one.

″Yeah, that's what we'll do,″ Hank agreed, giving the younger detective an appreciative nod.

While the unit was spreading out to look for their own, Erin was already running over the playground, screaming Jay's name but so far, she hasn't gotten any answer, only some compassionate glances from paramedics and firemen that were taking care of victims and saw her running around and screaming for her family desperately. Pulling the sheet back to see the person or child whose dead body was covered always made the air trap in her lungs and once the body was revealed and she realized that it was neither Jay nor Emmy, Luke or Robert, her heart was breaking for those who'd lost a loved one but at the same time starting to beat again as there was hope that her own loved ones were still alive. Though she knew very well that not finding them here didn't mean that they weren't already on the way to one of the city's hospitals with a bullet in their body, one of the doctors later telling her that they were sorry but that there was nothing they could've done anymore.

″Oh my God,″ she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand when pulling back the sheet revealed the dead body of a little girl that wasn't older than three years, her teddy bear lying next to her in a puddle of blood.

″Erin, come on,″ Alvin said and got down on his knees as well, placing his hand on the small of her back. ″Don't look at this too long. It only destroys you.″

″When her parents dressed her in these clothes this morning, they didn't think she would die in them,″ she said quietly, her eyes, that were full of tears, staring at the adorable dress the girl was wearing. ″When I said goodbye to Jay and Emmy this morning, I didn't think I wouldn't...-″ she added, her voice breaking by a sob before she could speak her thought out loud.

″Don't, Erin,″ Al said and got up, pulling her up as well. ″Don't do this to yourself. We'll find them, okay?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded and wiped her tears away with her hands before turning around and running into the direction she hasn't been so far, Al following her but giving her some space.

″Jay!″ she screamed once more although with helicopters flying over them, sirens of ambulances, fire trucks and police cars everywhere and dozens of people that called different things, chances were slim that he would hear her screaming his name in case he was anywhere near.

″Jay!″ she called again, wheezing heavily, the world around her spinning from running and screaming and everything she saw, her lungs not doing the best job anyway as she felt another panic attack coming up that she tried to suppress.

She rounded a corner and got to the area where the climbing walls were and when her eyes fell on the scenery in the distance, the scenery that made her stop in her tracks, she wasn't sure whether she was hallucinating, her brain playing with her as she was close to collapsing, her knees as weak as they could get. Maybe it was just wishful thinking and her eyes showed her what she desperately wanted to see, but then again, she would recognize this silhouette from a million.

″Jay!″ she yelled, nervousness crawling up inside of her and almost making her throw up again. She ignored it, gulped it down and started to run even faster, right into the direction where the man she loved was kneeling on the ground with two paramedics and doing CPR on what seemed to be a little girl, around 5 years old.

″Jay!″ she called again, a whole lot of desperation still in her voice, and finally he lifted his head as he heard her panicked voice. Things seemed to happen in slow-motion and she saw how he exchanged a couple of words with the paramedics, probably that they should take over, and got up, running into her direction while holding his hurting ribs with his hand, her own vision blurred by the tears of relief that were welling in her eyes.

She didn't care about his hands that were covered in a terrifying amount of blood and when she was close enough she collapsed right into his arms to seek the long awaited solace, sobbing uncontrolledly as he pulled her close against his body, as she wrapped her own arms around him, her fingers holding onto the fabric of his henley frantically as if he would disappear if she didn't hold him. He kissed her hair soothingly and she buried her head under his chin as she continued to sob, tears running down her cheeks like water the Niagara Falls.

″I thought...″ she murmured against his chest where his heart beat right next to her ear so she could feel and hear it, her own heartbeat coming back with every thud of his heart.

″I know,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her forehead, the feeling of his lips against her skin giving her comfort. ″We're all fine.″

″Where are Emmy, Luke, Robert and Crisp?″ she asked, her voice still shaking and her head not yet leaving the safe spot on his chest.

″Dad's on the way home with them. They're all fine,″ he assured her again.

″But how?″ she asked and lifted her head to look at him. She had so many questions though right now nothing really mattered other than that the man she loved was holding her in his strong arms.

″We had a lifesaver called-″ he started to tell her but got interrupted by one of the paramedics calling for him.

″We have a heartbeat!″ he shouted. ″You wanna come along?″

″Yeah, I'm coming,″ he called back, pulling Erin with him to where the ambulance was, the brunette turning her head around again, only now remembering that Alvin had accompanied her. The older detective gave her a relieved smile and she was able to smile back at him, giving him a thumbs up in addition and she could see how he reached for his radio to deliver the news the rest of the unit's prayed to hear.

″Will she make it?″ Jay asked when they loaded the young, intubated girl into the ambulance, her clothes covered in blood.

″We have to wait and see how big the damage is but right now I'd say you saved this girl's life,″ the paramedic said. ″Hell of a job, Sir.″

″Uh...yeah,″ Jay nodded almost absently. ″Too many I couldn't save,″ he added quietly, only loud enough for Erin to hear.

″Hey, there was no way you could've saved all of these people,″ Erin said softly and just as quiet and only as she looked at him now, without tears in her eyes and with slowly calming down, she saw that something in his face had changed compared to his usual facial expressions and it seemed like there was a shadow on it, his eyes hard yet full of silent pain. And it wasn't the kind of pain he probably was in because he'd done CPR for so long, bringing his damaged torso to its limits. It was a different kind of pain, one that somehow scared her even more.

″Didn't necessarily mean today,″ Jay shrugged and glanced at her only for a second, but long enough for Erin to get an idea what was going on, before following the paramedic into the ambulance so they could finally drive off, Erin following him, her eyes scanning him sternly.

Everything that had happened today, has triggered something inside of him. Something from a long time ago. Something she thought he'd come to terms with. Something they together haven't really dealt with so far as it's seldomly been an issue, as this was one of the things he tended to keep deep down inside just like she'd done with some things in the past. But being involved into this massacre today, that totally could be described as a warzone with bodies and bullets everywhere, being one of the first to help, trying to save lives, has brought up all sorts of dark memories and feelings from the time when he'd been in an actual warzone and seeing and witnessing things and situations like this had been his daily life.

Instead of telling him that he shouldn't do this to himself, which she knew wouldn't change anything, she chose her words advisedly, her hand resting on his shoulder as they sat tightly in the back of the ambulance, the paramedic occupied with the girl and not paying attention to their murmured conversation, the beeping of the machines swallowing their words anyway. ″Jay, whatever it is that you carry around, just know that I'll be there whenever you feel like you can't carry it alone anymore.″

He turned her head to her, his eyes not even showing the tiniest bit of surprise that she knew what he was going through right now, and instead those blue orbs softened, looking a little more like she used to know them though this pain she didn't like to see and pulled on her heartstrings was still there.

″I know,″ was all he answered but the squeeze he gave her hand with his own should assure her that he was thankful for her being there and that he would come to her whenever he was ready.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Dad just called,″ Jay said when he sat down next to her, handing her one of the coffees-to-go he'd brought from the cafeteria. They were in the waiting area of the Rush Hospital as Jay wanted to wait for the doctors that were operating the little girl to tell him that she was going to make it. They'd told him that the surgery could take hours but he'd insisted to stay anyway and of course Erin had agreed to stay with him though she wanted nothing more than going home to Luke and Emmy with him, especially after the emotional rollercoaster she's been through today. But he shouldn't be alone right now and making sure that the girl was alright was important for him and so it was for her, even without knowing the whole story.

″Emmy is sleeping and he allowed Luke to watch a movie, so they're watching Ratatouille right now.″

″That's good,″ Erin answered, sipping on her coffee only to burn her tongue and then rested her head against his upper arm and shoulder. ″I don't think I was ever as scared in my life as I was today,″ she admitted quietly and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to pull her closer, pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

″I'm sorry you had to go through this,″ he said.

″No, I'm sorry you had to go through this.″ She tried to emphasize certain words but actually she was sure that he'd understood what she meant anyway because his whole body stiffened a little and she could feel his discomfort. Sensing that he was not ready to share with her what was going on yet, she decided to bring their conversation into a different direction until he was ready to tell her about what was certainly connected to his past.

″Earlier you wanted to tell me about a lifesaver...who was it?″

″Crispin,″ Jay said, his answer making her lift her head and staring at him in disbelief. After saving Emilia from getting kidnapped in June, could it be possible that their four-legged family member had saved their lives again?

″What? How?″ she uttered.

″It was...strange,″ he answered and from his voice she could tell he also still couldn't believe it. ″We were sitting on the bench and had just finished eating our ice cream when Crispin suddenly jumped up and started to bark...″

″Jay look at this,″ Luke exclaimed excitedly, running into his direction and carrying a cone with two scoops of ice cream in his hand and Jay was sure if the young boy didn't take care, the ice cream would land on the ground rather than in his belly, followed by a huge fuss.

″That looks awesome, bud,″ Jay grinned. ″Which flavors did you choose?″

″Cookies n' cream and chocolate,″ Luke beamed. ″We have the same for you.″

″They don't have many flavors that time of the year,″ Robert winked at his son and handed him his cone.

″These two are perfect for me, thank you,″ Jay smiled, taking a first bite from his ice cream. ″You like it, Luke?″

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded eagerly, his mouth full of ice cream and Jay wondered how often he's had ice cream before as he sensed that it had probably been a luxus Rylie couldn't afford too often.

It took Luke more than 10 minutes to eat the ice cream all up and in the end Jay wasn't sure whether more of it was on his clothes and fingers or in his stomach as the sticky stuff was all over him. He reached for the package of baby wipes in the diaper bag and started to clean Luke's fingers and face and also tried to clean his clothes as good as he could so the spots wouldn't be too bad. Just when all the ice cream was removed from wherever the 4-year-old had spread it, Crispin suddenly jumped up, barking loudly and aggressively out of nowhere, Jay even startling a little because their dog never barked, so this was kind of an unknown sound coming from the black-and-white dog.

″What's the matter?″ Jay asked, trying to reach for his neck to pet him and calm him down, but instead of enjoying how he stroked him like he usually did, Crispin jumped away even further, taking advantage that Jay had ignored the signs that dogs had to be kept on the leash. Until now, he'd lain right beside the stroller, not moving a bit, staying close to Emmy and being the good dog he always was and there had been no reason for Jay to put their dog on the leash while they were just sitting around. Their dog wouldn't leave the spot next to Emmy's stroller, neither for another dog passing by nor for any toy or chasing some pigeons. That's why this behavior now was absolutely uncalled for him, even more because he ignored Jay completely.

Crispin continued to stare at him, his barking not stopping either and instead of coming back, he ran a few meters away only to stop again to look back at his family like he was expecting them to follow.

″Crisp come back,″ Jay ordered strictly but their well-behaved dog didn't listen to the words of his master, his barking still as aggressive and loud, like a request that he wanted them to come with him.

It was only when Crispin ran away even further and ignored what Jay said once more that a bad feeling started to develop and something inside of him told him that their dog wasn't doing this without a reason, that this uncalled behavior was not Crispin suddenly not wanting to listen to him anymore but rather their dog wanting them to follow him for whatever reason. Sometimes Crispin used to bark joyfully, when he was chasing a toy or happy to see them after a long day, but like this, he'd only barked once so far as far as he knew. When Bunny had been in front of the door when she'd tried to get into the apartment to kidnap Emilia. So what if something was wrong this time as well, what if their dog was trying to tell them that they had to get away from there?

″Let' s go,″ Jay decided and got up quickly, his one hand firming around the handle bar of the stroller while his other hand reached for Luke to pull him up from the bench.

″Why?″ Robert asked confused.

″Something's wrong,″ he answered shortly, his eyes following Crispin who was running away further though still within sight.

″What?″ Jay's father asked back.

″Crispin never barks, okay?″ This was all he offered as an answer. ″So come on now.″

″I don't wanna go,″ Luke protested, his feisty character showing off once more. He was the most well-behaved child when things went the way he wanted them to go but if not, his not-so-nice side showed off pretty quick.

″Luke, I really don't care about that right now,″ Jay said and pulled him with him although the little boy tried his best to make it as hard as possible for him.

″No!″ he yelled, trampling his foot against the ground like an angry steer. ″I wanna stay here!″

Jay knew they were close to another tantrum, which was about the last thing they needed right now, and he wondered whether every child in that age was as feisty and had as many tantrums as Luke had. Because then they had some fun times ahead with their baby girl who was right now peacefully sleeping in her stroller, looking absolutely innocent.

″Oh yes,″ Jay said and picked him up, holding him with one arm while he pushed the stroller with the other. Just another example how working out paid of in any life situation. Luke started to cry angrily and kicked with his feet, his weight in general not doing any good to Jay's damaged ribs that hurt awfully. But he ignored the sharp pain and started to run after Crispin instead which made his lungs ache even more, his breathing shallow as he had the feeling that his lungs couldn't deliver the air he needed.

Despite the pain he only stopped running when Crispin stopped as well but although the dog seemed at least a little more relaxed, he was still far from being his usual self, his whole body tense as he kept on walking in front of them, not waiting for them but rather still making them follow.

″What was that?″ Robert asked, looking from the dog to Jay.

″I don't know,″ Jay shrugged, gazing around whether his eyes could find any indication why their dog was behaving the way he was. But other than some people passing by on their way to the playground and some leaves falling from the trees by the wind, everything seemed peaceful and he wondered whether dogs could also overreact, seeing or hearing or smelling things that weren't actually there, just like humans overreacted in certain situations.

That was the very moment when he heard shots in the distance, this sound of gunfire he'd heard every single day when he'd fought a war on the other side of the world. That was the moment when everything suddenly made sense. That was the moment when they heard panicked screams from all over the playground behind them, screams that got right to their cores. That was the moment when they started to run.

″I don't know whether he saw them passing by before or whether he smelled the guns somehow or heard them loading their guns,″ Jay said in the end. ″I don't know how the hell he did that but I know that he probably saved our lives today because we probably would've been right where they went.″

″Wow,″ Erin breathed out, unable to say anything else as there were no appropriate words in her mind that could describe how stunned she was. The dog that had joined their family unexpectedly in June had probably just saved all her loved ones from dying or getting badly injured. ″I can't believe this.″

″Me neither,″ Jay agreed pensively. ″You know, all these movies with four-legged heroes...like Balto and such...although they say it's based on a true story, I always had a hard time believing that an animal is capable of doing such things. But now I don't doubt anything of that anymore because animals are just wonderful creatures.″

″They are indeed,″ Erin nodded, a small smile tugging in the corners of her lips. ″Especially our hero. There aren't enough treats in this entire world to ever thank him properly.″

″He's an outstanding dog, one in a million. And I will forever be thankful for the moment when I decided to bring him home and rather risk my woman putting me six feet under than bringing him to the shelter,″ he said with a little grin.

″Would I ever?″ she raised her eyebrows and chuckled slightly before she rested her head against his shoulder again. They fell into silence, the only noise being them sipping on their coffees and at some point Jay's sharp intake of breath as he tried to change his position a little. With all the adrenaline slowly decreasing, he could feel the strain of the last couple of hours, the pain definitely being worse than the day before.

″Maybe you should get those ribs checked again,″ Erin mentioned, her eyes focussing on his hand that he put onto his torso protectively as if it could take the pain away.

″I'm fine, Er,″ he assured her, giving her a weak smile. ″It was all just a lot for those good old ribs today.″

″What happened?″ she asked, biting her lower lip as she wasn't sure whether she should push him into the direction of telling her or better wait until he would do it by himself. But she wanted to know how he'd ended up being involved in saving the little girl and now seemed to be a fitting moment and the question was halfway out already anyway. ″I mean, after you heard the shots?″

He sat up straighter by her question and looked at her and once again there was something in his eyes she didn't like to see her. Something she neither knew nor could describe what exactly it was. Something that made her wonder how many demons he really still had to fight with until he could come to terms with everything that had happened overseas. Though she imagined that this chapter of his life was one he could never completely come to terms with as it had changed him as a person while it had of course also contributed to him becoming the man he was today.

″We kept on running until I had the feeling we were safe...″ he started to tell her, some reluctance in his voice as all the screams from deeply desperate and badly injured people still echoed in his ears. ″By that time, Luke was at least not trying to squirm out of my arms anymore and I could leave him with dad. I gave him the keys so they could go back to the car at the Aquarium and he could drive them home. And then I ran back to the scene...I had to help...no matter how dangerous it was...I couldn't just ignore it just because I was safe...there were many that weren't as lucky as I was...″

His adrenaline was pushing him forward, making him ignore the stabbing pain in his torso that running caused. When he arrived at the playground, he felt like stepping back in time, felt like being back in Afghanistan, at this place he never wanted to be ever again and he wished no one had to be. People were screaming, bleeding, crying and dying right next to him and for a moment he wasn't even able to move as this situation was dangerously similar to the ones he'd witnessed disturbingly often when he'd been on duty, the one's that had somehow taken his life away for a while, allowing the darkness to surround him, to eat him up.

Out of all the screams around him, it was the extensive screaming of a woman that brought him back from his time in Afghanistan to Chicago, and her feared and desperate voice got right to his core, chills running down his spine.

″Kenzie!″ she yelled again, her voice full of panic and Jay scanned his surroundings to find her lying on her side on the ground right in front of the climbing walls. He started to run, assessing the situation as he came closer and figuring out quickly that the woman was at least 7 months pregnant. He wasn't a doctor and other than what he knew from Erin's pregnancy and all the baby books he'd studied, he had no clue about pregnancy and anything that came with, but even he knew that blood soaking through the jeans on her thighs and a puddle of blood right under her bottom were never good signs and that every minute counted to save mother and baby.

″Help me, please,″ she cried when she saw Jay coming her way.

″Of course, I'm right here,″ he answered and knelt down right next to her. She was absolutely pale, had a bleeding wound on her head, probably from falling, and her ankle didn't look too healthy.

″My daughter...Kenzie...I don't know where she is,″ she sobbed, wrapping her hand around his arm and tugging on his jacket, her brown eyes filled with tears and pure panic. ″You have to find her.″

″I will,″ Jay assured her in a helpless attempt to calm her down. ″But first I'll take care of you and as soon as you're in an ambulance, I will look for Kenzie.″

″She's...she's four years old...red hair...she's wearing a...a yellow jacket...and red converse shoes...,″ the woman stammered, trying to swallow down her sobs.

″Okay, yellow jacket, red shoes,″ he repeated and nodded. ″My name's Jay, what's your name?″ he asked, trying to get her talking about something else so she would calm down but of course he actually knew that there was no way to make her think about anything else than her daughter.

″Tonya,″ she answered. ″It all happened so fast...I couldn't protect her...″

″Tonya, I promise I'll look for her but right now I have to make sure that you and your baby are alright, okay?″ he asked her, placing his hand on her shoulder supportingly. ″How far along are you?″

″33 weeks.″

″Are you in pain? Does anything hurt?″

″My ankle hurts...and my head...I tried to get up but I was too dizzy...and there was this stabbing pain in my stomach...and then it felt like my water broke...but I can't have a baby now...I need to find Kenzie...″ she cried and her breathing was close to hyperventilating.

Jay knew right away that Tonya had no idea that her jeans weren't soaked from her water having been broken but from blood that came somewhere from inside her uterus and made her slowly bleed out, kept the baby from getting enough oxydgen or whatever else it needed to be safe in there.

″Tonya, listen to me,″ Jay said calmly. ″It's very important that you get into a hospital immediately. And you have to try to relax. Breathe nice and easy so your baby can get all the oxydgen it needs. Just like this, okay?″ he said and showed her the breathing rhythm he hoped she would copy.

″But Kenzie...″

″I know. I know, Tonya,″ he said. ″But we have to get your breathing under control, that's very important. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...″ Once again he showed her the rhythm and this time the young woman picked it up as well.

″That's great,″ Jay encouraged her, gazing around for any paramedics that could come and help him because right now he didn't dare to leave her alone to look for some on his own. ″Now tell me more about Kenzie. What colors does she like, what's her favorite food?″

″She ..she loves everything that's yellow, orange and red...her favorite food are chicken strips w...with mashed potatoes. She was our unplanned surprise,″ Tonya told him, smiling in the tiniest way.

″My wife and I have a daughter and she's our unplanned surprise as well. Her name's Emilia and she's almost nine months old.″

″That's a great age, they chance so fast, discover the world and learn so much new things every day. Kenzie...she was...she was...,″ Tonya said, her voice suddenly getting weaker, her eyelids fluttering.

″Hey Tonya, stay with me!″ Jay called, shaking her a little so she would keep those eyes open. He knew they were running out of time.

″Kenzie...stay with her...″ she begged him, her brown eyes staring into his blue ones intensively but in the next moment they fluttered shut and now real panic was overcoming him.

″Tonya! Wake up! You have to wake up!″ He gazed around for help once more, for anyone who knew what to do and suddenly saw two paramedics running in the distance though not in his direction unfortunately.

″Hey! Over here! Quick!″ he waved and yelled from the bottom of his lungs, the pain it caused almost making him double over but at least they'd heard him as they changed their direction to him.

He told them what had happened and knowing that things had to go fast now, the paramedics wasted no time with making her ready for the transport and bring her to the ambulance so her's and her baby's life could hopefully be saved at the hospital though the glances on their faces gave him hints that those couple more minutes it would take to bring her there would probably be already a couple too many minutes to save the baby that was growing inside of her.

As soon as Tonya was in the best possible hands for right now, Jay went back to the climbing walls to search the area for the little girl, praying inwardly that he would find her alive and didn't have to deliver Tonya some devastating news later.

″Kenzie!″ he called all the time but he didn't get an answer.

Thanks to his job his eyes were trained for the smallest details and so he didn't miss the drops of blood on the floor that led right into some bushes, hinting that the girl had probably gone there to hide.

″Kenzie?″ he called once more as he made his way through the bushes as well, some of the branches scratching over his skin where the sleeves of his light fall jacket were rolled up to his elbows.

The first thing he saw was the yellow jacket shining through and in a heartbeat he was by the kid's side, the jacket being deep red on her stomach, blood leaking through, no color in her face, her eyes closed. He closed his eyes only for a moment as this picture was all too familiar but it didn't help and when he opened them again, he saw the little dark-haired, Afghan boy, Nael, lying there in the dirt in front of him, a huge bleeding wound on his abdomen, burning wounds all over his arms and legs.

Jay shook his head, trying to make those pictures, that flashed in front of his eyes, go away and forced himself to concentrate on the things that were happening right now. ″Kenzie,″ he said and got down on his knees to check her pulse and breathing. Weak but there. ″I'll help you now, okay?″ he asked rhetorically and picked her up into her arms so he could bring her to a place where other first responders would find them and could therefore help and where he had more space to save her life than in between some bushes.

As soon as she was lying on the floor, he opened her jacket only to find a nasty shooting wound that was bleeding heavily, his hands covered in the red liquid in no time. As he sensed that one of the bullets, that had flown around, had hit an abdominal artery, he took his jacket off and formed it into a ball so he could press it against her abdomen in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding somehow and keep the little girl from bleeding out right in front of his eyes.

″Come on Kenzie,″ he said and checked her pulse again but this time he found nothing, his own heart dropping to his smallest toe when he didn't find the aorta pulsating, when he got no indication of life.

″No, no no, don't do this, okay?″ he almost yelled and started CPR right away. As she was so small, he could even do it with one hand while his other hand could still press the jacket against her stomach to keep the bleeding under control.

″You gotta keep fighting, girl!″ It weren't his ribs or lungs that hurt while he tried to get her heart and breathing going again. He was numb to that pain. It were once again those pictures that flashed right in front of his eyes every time he pushed her heart that made the air trap in his lungs. With one push Kenzie's ginger hair changed to Nael's black hair and tar became sand, her white freckled face changing into his olive teint. With the next push it went the other way around, from Nael to Kenzie, so one moment he would see Kenzie in front of him and the next moment, the little boy from all those years back. The little boy he'd killed.

″We can do this together, alright Kenzie?″ Jay asked her through gritted teeth, sweat running down his temples, his arms getting heavy, his strength decreasing but he kept on going. Because this girl had to live. He couldn't lose this girl as well. He couldn't tell Tonya that her daughter was dead because he'd failed.

He didn't know how long he's been keeping her heart beating with his CPR, has been trying that her brain wouldn't be deprived from oxydgen for too long, when suddenly two paramedics were by his side and he was as concentrated and focussed and somehow absent that he didn't even recognize them at first. They asked him whether he could keep going for a little longer and that was the moment when he realized that he wasn't fighting for her life alone anymore. He nodded mechanically and grimly kept on trying to save Kenzie's life, nothing and no one really getting through to him just as if he was in a different world right now.

This changed the moment he heard her voice, the only voice that could always, always find a way right to his heart and speak with his soul. Today it mainly got his attention because it was so full of panic and desperation and the woman he saw in the distance when he lifted his head, the woman that was the reason why he hasn't been at any dark places for a very long time, looked like she would break down any second.

Finally, he allowed the paramedics to do their jobs and got up, running into her direction, the pain in his torso only now noticeable again but nothing could keep him from wrapping her arms around her. Now everything was going to be okay.

If only he knew.

Telling Erin about what had happened in between hearing the shots and her finding him, he deliberately omited the part of his flashbacks to Afghanistan and what all of todays happenings had done to him. Were still doing to him. She'd been through enough today and when this was something he could protect her from by not telling her - because he knew this would do exactly the same to her what it did to him as whatever he felt, she felt, too - then not telling her the whole story was something he chose over telling her every detail and making her worry about him. He had to. This was his battle to fight, his burden to carry. Not hers.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

It was only in the early evening when those big doors finally swung open and not only one surgeon but three stepped through the doors, telling them that they'd won the fight for Kenzie's life and that chances for a full recovery were good although it would take a while and she had a long road of recovery ahead. The relief Erin'd expected to see on Jay's face came instantly, but not the magnitude she'd hoped. There was something that held him back from being happy, from allowing others calling him hero, lifesaver, although this was exactly what he was. There was something he held back from her. She's been knowing this for quite a while now.

She didn't have time to think too much about the reasons why he couldn't open up to her as the third surgeon told them that they'd delivered Tonya's baby via emergency c-section earlier and that the preemie was now in the NICU, doing absolutely well so far and that it was Jay reacting so fast and getting her into a hospital as fast has saved both Tonya's and the baby's life as she'd had a placenta abruption from the fall that could've ended fatal for both of them.

Of course Tonya wanted to see Jay now, thanking him for all he'd done, and so they went to visit her quickly after the surgeons had told her and her husband that their daughter was going to make it. Although the young woman was of course still groggy from the surgery and everything else she'd gone through, she couldn't stop thanking him under tears, her husband crying with her and thanking Jay over and over again for saving his whole family today. Erin, who Jay'd insisted should accompany him, was in the background but she saw the forced smile on his face anyway when he said that he would do this for anyone anytime.

″We wanted to name our baby Adrian,″ Tonya said as she showed them a picture of her newborn son who was connected with all kinds of cables.

″But now we decided to honor you in some way and name him Jacob,″ her husband finished.

″You saved us all today and without you neither me, nor Kenzie nor little Jacob would be here,″ Tonya smiled, wiping her tears away with her hand. ″I hope this is okay for you.″

″This is...″ Jay stammered perplexedly, searching for the right words to express his appreciation. ″This is wow, really. You didn't have to do this.″

″It's the least we could do,″ Tonya's husband smiled. "You're our hero."

Erin recognized how Jay almost uncomfortably shifted from one feet to the other. Even though he'd definitely been a hero today, he would never give himself the credit. He would stay humble at all times because he would honestly do this for anyone, without wasting one thought whether what he did was heroic in any way. ″Thank you,″ Jay answered. ″I feel honored.″

″No, thank you. There's no way we can ever thank you enough for what you did today,″ Tonya said once more and before all this thanking could continue forever, Jay said that she should rest and her husband should go and see Kenzie so she wouldn't be alone when she woke up, and that they had to go home to see their daughter as well after this eventful day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

They had to take a cab to the 21st as the 300 was parked there and other than the Indian music playing from some CD, the ride was awkwardly quiet. Arriving at the precinct, neither of them wanted to go upstairs for a short chat with their team members. They just wanted to go gome, cuddle with Emmy for hours, and have a hot shower to wash the stress of the day away.

On the short walk to the 300, Erin slipped her fingers through Jay's and quietly asked: ″Are we okay?″ It was the first time that she pushed into this direction, that she really wanted him to tell her about the things he was holding back instead of waiting for him to tell her because she couldn't see him fighting this battle silently anymore. She wanted to be there for him, really be there for him, but she only could when he would finally tell her which demons were currently invading him.

He stopped walking and turned his head to her, looking at her for a moment. She wasn't asking whether they were okay, whether their relationship was okay. She was asking whether he was okay because she only was when he was. This was the exact reason why he hasn't told her about his flashbacks, why he's been keeping them to himself. If he told her that he was far from being okay, she would, too, and so he answered: ″Of course we are.″ He squeezed her hand and pressed a light kiss against her forehead.

She almost felt his lips burning against her skin and she closed her eyes, hoping that the tears that were welling in them would be gone by the time she opened them again so Jay wouldn't see how much his answer's hurt her. The lump in her throat hadn't suddenly built up because all the stress of the day was finally vanishing and this was the result of her realizing once again how close she'd been to lose her family. This lump was there because her husband had just outright lied to her. When they'd promised each other to always be honest. And much more were those tears there because she knew one thing for sure now:

He was not okay.

He was actually far from being okay...

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)