73. Stronger Than You Know

Thanks for your continuing support, here comes your weekly update, enjoy! :)

73. Stronger Than You Know

″You can't even tell me why I'm here, can you?″ Rylie snapped when Erin didn't answer right away because she was still thinking about how to notify the young girl, how she should go from this heated atmosphere, that was just as much on her as it was on Rylie, to tell her about her brother having been the victim of a brutal and icecold murder. Telling Luke had been hard and absolutely heartbreaking but telling Rylie was just as hard because Erin knew exactly how it was when the only family you had left was your little brother.

″We were called to a shooting in Pilsen on Friday night,″ Erin started to explain, swallowing nervously but never taking her eyes away from Rylie. ″Neighbors reported shots coming from one of the apartments. My colleague Adam and I went in there and that's where we found Luke hidden under your bed,″ she said, inhaling a deep breath before dropping the devastating news that would shatter Rylie's already broken world even more. ″We found Tyler in the kitchen. But we couldn't do anything anymore. I'm sorry.″ She's always hated to do notifications but this one felt like the worst for many reasons.

″No,″ Rylie whispered and shook her head vehement, the last tiny bit of light in her eyes disappearing. ″No. You're lying!″

″I wish I was,″ Erin said quietly.

″No! No! No! Not Ty!″ Rylie screamed and just like that she broke down in front of her, sliding down from the chair onto the cold floor, crying bitterly and Erin's heart broke into a hundred pieces for her, a lump building in her throat as well.

Helplessness filled her as she looked at the young girl that had lost her brother forever and her son at least temporarily, if not forever as well, and as she didn't know what else to do, she joined her on the floor and wrapped her arms around her shaking body and just held her, hoping that she could give her comfort but knowing that nothing could make her world, that's fallen apart, right again at the moment. She could vividly imagine what Rylie was going through right now, in what kind of pain she was because if someone had told her that her brother was dead back when she'd been a teenager and Teddy had been the only real thing in her miserable life, her world would've fallen into pieces, to a point of no repair, as well and this thought really brought tears to her eyes as the lump in her throat grew.

″It's fine, let it all out and don't hold anything back,″ Erin whispered and she didn't know how long they were sitting on the floor before Rylie started to calm down and then lifted her head to look at her, really look at her for the very first time tonight, her grey eyes red from all the crying and possibly from first signs of withdrawals.

″Does Luke know?″ she asked, her voice as faint as it could come, and she wiped her tears away with her hands so her make-up was all over her face.

″Yeah,″ Erin confirmed. ″My husband and I told him this afternoon.″

″Your husband and you?″ Rylie frowned.

″Luke's been staying with us. He heard the shots and when I found him he was shocked and scared and rattled and just needed a safe place with someone he could trust in that moment. And that was me,″ she explained.

″How's he doing?″

″He's okay. Some moments he's fine, some not. He's confused and still scared and sad. But he's also laughing like a normal 4-year-old from time to time, especially when he's with our dog.″

″I need to see him,″ she demanded.

″I'll see what I can do for you, okay? But right now you first have to answer some questions because we really wanna find out who did this to your brother. You feel up for that?″ Erin asked softly.

″Yeah,″ Rylie nodded mechanically.

″Okay, then let's sit down again,″ Erin said and helped her up so they could sit down on their chairs again but it was easy to say that the atmosphere was completely different now, that all the fire in Rylie was gone, leaving a defeated, devastated, broken girl behind.

″Do you have any idea who would want to hurt your brother and why?″

She hesitated for a moment, long enough for Erin to recognize it, and then shook her head. ″Tyler is...was...the sweetest kid,″ Rylie said, tears still looming in her eyes. ″We had our differences sometimes but usually he was simply such a nice kid and tried to help me whenever he could.″

″There are hints that this is connected to a gang,″ Erin said, playing out the cards she had right away, more or less implying that Tyler wasn't the nice kid that Rylie described him as to check her reaction.

″A gang?″ she echoed.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded. ″Is there any chance that Tyler was in a gang?″

″No, no way! He was a good kid, a great uncle. He loved Luke and Luke loved him,″ Rylie said, biting her lower lip and turning her gaze away as if there was more to say, which Erin of course recognized.

″Rylie, if there's anything you should tell me, now would be the time,″ she said meaningfully. ″Are you connected to a gang?″

″I'm not. I'm into a lot of stuff but not into gangs,″ she made clear and Erin only needed to look her in the eyes to believe her. Rylie had a lot on her plate but gangs weren't a part of her life. Still, there was something she was thinking about and holding back.

″I...I told him to let go...told him to stay out of that...and I thought he did...he never mentioned it again,″ she stammered, biting her fingernails in addition and therefore giving Erin some trouble to follow her.

″To let what go, Rylie?″ she dug deeper.

″There's this girl at his school. Jaz or Jess or Jen or something, I can't remember exactly. She's two years older and I don't know how they met but he liked her and she liked him and you know...that kind of teenager-love-thing,″ Rylie said, a sarcastic laughter escaping from her lips, probably because she had as much experience with love as Erin had with quantum physics. ″Problem is, she turned out to have a boyfriend. Whose brother is high into some gang...G-Park Lords. The boyfriend is in there as well, naturally. She wanted out and Tyler wanted to help her, be her hero but I told him to let go and not get himself into trouble with a gang because this never ends well. He promised me...-″ At this point her voice was breaking and she swallowed down some sobs. ″He promised me,″ she whispered. ″And I believed him...do you think it was them?″ she asked, looking at Erin like a doe in the beam of the headlights.

″There's a likelihood, yeah,″ Erin confirmed, being already sure that this tip would help them tremendously to solve the case. ″He kinda came into their territory and they usually don't like that.″

″I had no idea he was still trying to help her, that he was still seeing her,″ she said more to herself. ″I should've been there for him more, take care that he doesn't get into trouble,″ she blamed herself.

″Hey Rylie,″ Erin said and placed her hand on her lower arm. ″This is not on you, okay? There's nothing you could've done because against love we're all powerless and there's nothing we can do about it.″

″Love,″ Rylie laughed sardonically. ″He paid a high price for that love. We all did in fact,″ she said bitterly and Erin knew what she meant. Without Tyler trying to help that girl out, he would never have been shot and she and Adam had never found Luke. Forensics had never found traces of cocaine that was the reason that her son would grow up in a foster family, seperated from his mother.

″Rylie can you tell me any more names? Anything I can work with?″ They would go to Tyler's school tomorrow to find the 17-year-old girl name Jaz, Jess or Jen. But usually, when cops showed up, asking about secret relationships and gang relations, the person was not keen to talk and give any further information, being scared of getting into trouble themselves being the main reason for it.

″She was here once. Nice girl. Black. Beautiful. She didn't tell me her last name. I think Ty mentioned her boyfriend's name at some point...″ she said, covering her head in her palms. ″It was something similar to Tyler...Ty said he's around 20...″

″Keep going Rylie, you're doing great,″ Erin encouraged her.

″Tyrell. It's Tyrell,″ she exclaimed and looked at Erin. ″That's all I know.″

″That's a lot more than we had before. Thank you,″ she said, giving her a faint smile.

″Can I see Luke now?″

″He's probably already sleeping and seeing you but not being allowed to stay with you would only confuse him but-″

″You promised!″ Rylie interrupted her furiously.

″I didn't promise anything but I wanted to promise you one thing right now if you'd let me finish,″ Erin answered, her voice rising a little as well. ″Do I have your attention now?″

″Yeah,″ Rylie said meekly.

″I'm honest with you, things are not looking good for you right now. So far, DCFS hasn't been notified because I wanted to wait until the woman I know is back in the office tomorrow. There's no way I'm not going to call her but when you want me to put in a good word for you so you can see him again or call him before he's placed with a foster family, there's conditions,″ Erin explained, expecting Rylie to protest again but to her surprise she stayed silent, her attention focused on Erin. ″I'll bring you to a hotel now and you will show up here tomorrow morning at 10. Sober. If I see in your eyes that you used, that's it for you. If not, I promise you that I will help you to get a better life by getting you into a facility and once you're completely clean, I'll help you to get your son back.″

″You say that now but when I really need you, you won't be there. Just like everyone else,″ she snorted and shook her head.

″Hey, didn't I just give you a promise?″ Erin asked. ″Take it or leave it, that's up to you. I'll bring you to that hotel and then you can decide whether you want to get another fix or whether you're son is more important to you than a line of cocaine. That's your choice and about the only chance you will get. But I'll give you one little hint: you're a mother. Act like one.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Erin came home, she didn't hold back with telling Jay every little detail about her encounter with Rylie, from how she'd opened up to her after a couple of minutes to the ultimatum she'd given Rylie and the promise she'd made in the end. And no matter that Jay was both, proud and impressed of how she'd handled the situation, something about this whole thing didn't settle well with him. Erin helping a girl to get clean, to get a better life, sounded all too familiar to him. Of course this was who Erin was, always trying to help, especially girls that remembered her of her own past, girls she could take under her wing like Hank had done with her, showing them that there was a better life, that there was a way out. But he couldn't help but somehow be afraid that it would wound up old sores due to what happened to Nadia and how she'd blamed herself for not leaving her alone in the first place after her death. And in general, everything that had to do with Nadia would always be what she was absolutely vulnerable about and this was kind of a Nadia-situation now that would remind her of the young brunette, who had been something like a sister for her, on a daily basis. And though he of course didn't expect Rylie to get murdered by some psycho, he wondered what it would do to Erin if Rylie's rehab failed and she would end up taking drugs again and working what she did right now instead of living the life Erin obviously wanted her to have, if she simply couldn't fix her and make everything alright.

″You think she will show up?″ Jay asked after he knew the whole story. They were resting on their couch, her head resting against his chest, his arm wrapped around her shoulder, his hand traveling up and down the soft skin of her arm.

″I don't know. Right now I don't know whether she's strong enough,″ she sighed. ″But I hope so.″

They fell into silence, the strong beating of Jay's heart slowly lulling Erin to slumber after what has been another eventful day, the light headaches she had possibly the best indication that it had all been a lot for her today because this case soaked up her energy on a personal and emotional level. In her semi-conscious state of mind she recognized how Jay turned the TV on but the background noises didn't bother her at all, even let her drift to sleep further. Sleep that was short-lived because the ringing of her phone jolted her awake unexpectedly. She let out a deep sigh and adjusted her position so she could reach for her vibrating cell on the coffee table, a unknown number showing on the screen.

″Erin Halstead,″ she said when she answered the call.

″Erin,″ she heard Rylie's panicked voice and was therefore wide awake in a heartbeat. ″I'm really trying but I can't,″ she cried into the phone, her voice shaky. ″Ty, Luke...it all hurts too much.″

″Rylie, listen to me,″ Erin said emphatically. ″You're stronger than that, okay? You can get through this, I know it.″

″I don't know how,″ Rylie cried desperately. ″I need to take something. I'm sorry.″

″No you don't! You can do this. Do it for your son, you're all he has left. Think about Luke. That's what you're doing it for and he's the reason why you'll stay away from that line in front of you!″

″I want. I want so badly but...but...,″ she sobbed, her body probably shaken by withdrawals.

Erin didn't even need another second to decide what to do because in her opinion there was only one right thing. ″Hang in there Rylie! I'm coming and we're going through this together.″

″I don't know how much longer..-″

″You can! Hold on for a couple more minutes. I'm on my way, I promise.″ With those words, Erin ended the call and jumped up from the couch like her life depended on it.

″You gave her your private number?″ Jay asked, following her to the hallway where her shoes and jacket were. Giving Rylie her card was one thing but giving her her private number was kind of a different story. In his opinion she was too involved into this. Way too involved, way more than she should and this still made him anxious.

″I gave her my card and scrawled it down there, why?″ she asked back while slipping into some sneakers.

″You really wanna go there now?″ he asked instead of answering her question and checked the time on the watch around his wrist. 9.17pm.

″I promised her that I'll be there for her, so yeah, I'm going,″ Erin said, her voice showing hints of being annoyed.

″Can I expect you coming back home at some point tonight?″ Jay asked more snappishly and challenging than he'd intended.

″Probably not in the next couple of hours,″ Erin answered shortly while taking her red leather jacket on. ″And I honestly don't know what your problem is right now.″

Just trying to save you from another possible heartbreak and protect you from getting too involved into something you probably should stay out of, he thought but didn't speak it out loud but the words he chose instead kinda had the same, anything but great effect. ″You know, you leave me here with two kids for the whole night while you are with a drug-addict you barely know, so excuse me that I'm just trying to figure out why you're doing this.″

By these words, her head snapped up and what Jay saw in her eyes made him swallow hardly. Sheer disappointment. And hurt. Of course the atmosphere between them has been tense because he's gone into protective mode but he hasn't expected her to look at him like she hasn't in a really, really long time.

″Why I'm doing this?″ Erin echoed, her voice incredulous. ″Because this girl - it could've been me. Without Hank saving me this would've been me in fact. She's living the life I escaped from. That's why, Jay,″ she said scarily cold and gave him another glance that somehow broke Jay's heart before she turned around on her heels, slamming the door shut behind herself, in the heat of the moment forgetting that two children were already sleeping in this house. The aftermath came instantly as Luke's cries resounded from the guest room, which would at least give Jay some distraction from what had just gone down between them.

It only came to him while walking toward Luke's room why Erin felt especially connected to Rylie, her words still resounding in his ears. She's living the life I escaped from. With this kinda perfect life they were living, he sometimes tended to forget bits and pieces about her past, especially the ones they never talked about. Like her having been pregnant at the age of 15, trying to overdose to lose the baby and eventually getting an abortion with the help of Hank because she didn't want an innocent baby to be born into her world, that it would eventually have the same future ahead she thought she had. It was something they never talked about for obvious reasons but it was still a part of her past. One that was coming up now, with meeting a 21-year-old girl that had an almost 5-year-old son and was taking care of her brother as well because her father was dead and her mother a runaway, a girl that was working in a business no woman or girl should, a girl that was into drugs because this was probably the only thing that helped her bearing the things she had to do. Though Erin hadn't taken care of Teddy anymore when she'd been 15, the similarities to her past were truly scary and in fact Rylie was a young girl alone against the world, just like Erin had once been. He only wished he'd realized it earlier.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″You came,″ Rylie said half-conscious, crumbled into a ball on her bed, when Erin stormed into her hotel room with the extra key she'd gotten downstairs thanks to her badge.

″Of course I did. I promised, remember?″ she asked and sat down on the edge of the bed, her hand stroking over Rylie's damp hair. ″Did you take anything?″

″No,″ she denied. ″I wanted to, needed to...but something held me back.″

″Good. That's good,″ Erin sighed in relief.

″Will you stay?″ Rylie asked quietly, her body shaking, her forehead covered in sweat.

Erin pulled the sheet and the comforter over her body to keep her warm. ″As long as you need me.″

The first hours were the hardest and Rylie was throwing up multiple times, Erin holding back her hair and rubbing her back. In addition she was constantly either feeling hot or cold and shaking and sweating as her body came down from being high. The blonde girl was barely able to recognize what was happening around her for the first couple of hours but when things seemed to settle – it was 3am at this point - Erin tried to get her into a conversation that would hopefully distract her from all the withdrawal symptoms she still had and the urge to take another line and destroy how far she's come tonight already. Though the road she still had ahead was long and difficult and this was only the beginning, the first of many steps into a better future.

″Drink this,″ she said and handed her a cup of camomile tea, being thankful that this hotel was open 24 hours and even provided tea on request at 3am in the night.

″Thank you,″ Rylie answered, her voice faint and raspy from all the throwing up, and took the mug from Erin.

″How often do you usually take a line?″ Erin asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed again, her own mug of tea warming her hands.

″When I'm away for the whole weekend I take lots...but usually one in the evening around 6 or 7 before I go to...work,″ she said, and different to earlier she seemed to be embarrassed to call her job work. ″It gets me through the night. Depending on how the night goes, I take another one around midnight. And one in the morning around 4 or 5, so I'm not super high when I come home but can still make it through the day. If I can, I prepare breakfast for the boys and then I go to bed to sleep it all off. Once I'm awake again, my only job is being a mom and I always try to make it through the day without taking another line or any pills. Luke is my drug then,″ she smiled tiredly.

″The very best drug,″ Erin winked.

″He's the best thing that's ever happened to me,″ Rylie said pensively. ″I never knew how much I need him and when I was pregnant I was so sure I would give him away. This only changed the moment he was born and I saw him for the first time...even when I was in labor I still wanted to give him away as I blamed him for everything I had to go through...holy shit, those were the most painful 10 hours of my life.″

″Tell me about it,″ Erin chuckled slightly.

″You have a kid?″ Rylie asked, a surprised undertone in her voice.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″Most painful 16 hours in my life. But the moment I held her in my arms it was all worth it.″

″How old is she?″

″8 months. Just about to figure out how to pull herself up and stand with only the help of some furniture,″ Erin smiled.

″Wow, she's early. Luke didn't do that until he was 11 months old,″ Rylie said and although her voice was still not exactly strong and she was shivering, she kept on talking. ″He was a lazy one, preferred to be carried around. Only started to walk three months after his first birthday.″

″Tell me more about him,″ she encouraged her, being impressed by how much Rylie's shared so far. It seemed like some kind of trust was slowly building up in the girl that was probably not used to trust anyone, that hasn't trusted anyone in a really long time.

″He's a little rascal,″ she smiled. ″His favorite stuffy is Pluto, he would never sleep without it. We once lost it and he cried all night, so I had to go to the Disney store to buy him a new one the next day. In return I only ate a piece of dry bread per day for the next couple of days but at least my kid slept through the night again.″ Erin listened attentively to every word that left the young girl's mouth and figured that apart from being addicted to cocaine, she was a good mother that did everything for her son. ″His favorite animals are dogs, his favorite color is blue. He loves bathing but hates showering. He basically loves any Disney movie but his favorite might be the Jungle Book. And he loves Olaf and Sven from Frozen. Right now he dreams to become a firefighter one day, mainly because then he can drive the big truck,″ she laughed slightly. The first real laugh Erin's heard from her so far. ″He likes anything that's sweet. And pasta. But give him carrots or peas and he rather stays hungry. He's usually happy and easy-going but he can have his tantrums from time to time and they're bad.″

″Yep, we had one of these,″ Erin told her.

″I'm sorry,″ Rylie apologized.

″It's okay. I see it as training because who knows what my little lady comes up with one day,″ Erin laughed and sipped on her tea. ″So your son wants to become a firefighter one day. What did you want to become when you were younger, when you had dreams?″

″Huh...dreams,″ Rylie shrugged and sipped on her tea as well. ″I wanted to become a doctor or a nurse, helping people to get better, heal people. And here I am, needing help myself.″

″It's not a bad thing to need help although I know very well that sometimes it's hard to accept the help other people are offering,″ Erin said pensively and with Rylie sobering up, she seemed to recognize it.

″What's your story?″ she asked sheepishly. ″Earlier, when we were at the police station...you knew exactly what it was like...you know...my life...″

Erin looked at the girl in front of her, kinda surprised that she even remembered something from their conversation earlier, and then decided to share bits and pieces of her past as well because if she wanted Rylie to trust her more, she had to earn that trust. And denying her her story now could destroy everything they've built up so far.

″Uhm...where to begin...,″ she started, searching for the right words to describe her messed up childhood. ″My dad went to jail when I was really young, so I can't remember much of him other than that he was violent against my mom. Never against me but apparently against others in his favorite bar and they booked him for aggrevated assault and other stuff. At this point my mom was already into drugs and alcohol and the men she used to date stayed the same. Abusive and violent. One of them got her pregnant and my brother Teddy was born when I was six. She tried to get clean several times but it was never successful, so I was the one who raised Teddy. Sometimes she would stay away from home for weeks and I didn't know whether she comes back,″ she told her and couldn't help but let a small sarcastic laughter slip. Even with Bunny being dead she still couldn't believe what a joke of a mother she'd been and a lot of bitterness was still involved.

″Teddy was a pain in the ass sometimes but I loved him and put his needs above my own. He was all I had and to provide him the childhood he deserved I had to earn money for us but eventually Child Services figured our situation out and took Teddy away, thinking that with 14 I was old enough to handle myself or whatever. So I was on my own, with my addicted mom, took pills and stuff myself so I could forget, ran with a shady guy and did lots of stuff I'm not proud of. I thought that's what life has in store for me, 14 years old and having more priors for solicitation, theft, posession of cannabis and simple battery than most smalltown criminals have that were four times my age,″ she said and shivered slightly by those memories. ″So there was this cop, different than all the other cops, trying to keep me out of look-up, trying to help me, saving me and my mother from her abusive boyfriend, trying to get me out of this miserable life. It took a while but eventually I accepted his help. This cop changed my life, gave me a life I never even dared to dream about, and he became the father I never had,″ Erin ended telling her story, smiling faintly by her last words, Rylie's eyes wide in shock, her mouth slightly agape. Although it only was her story in a nutshell, Rylie now basically knew her whole story, except the part of the abortion she'd had at the age of 15 but the only people who knew about this chapter of her past were Hank, because he'd been the one to help her back then, and Jay, because he knew everything about her, and it would forever stay that way.

″Wow,″ she uttered, being a little speechless. ″What happened to your family? Do you know?″

″Other than Teddy, I don't see them as my family,″ Erin made clear. Her family were other people. Many other great people she loved with all her heart. ″My biological father is in jail again and will stay there for the rest of his life and the woman that happened to be my biological mother OD'd in June. Teddy is living and working in California and he's actually doing great.″

″At least you know...,″ Rylie said pensively. ″Sometimes I wonder where my mother is. Whether she's even still alive. Whether she thinks about me and Ty or just forgot us. Sometimes I wish I could tell her what a bitch she is.″

″You need closure,″ Erin stated, sensing that Rylie needed exactly what she'd gotten with Bunny's death in June: this chapter of her life being closed permanently.

″Yeah...kind of,″ Rylie agreed and they fell into silence for a while, the blonde girl even dozing off a little and Erin being close to just allow her eyes to fall shut for one second but reminding herself that she had to stay awake and take care of Rylie. A huge dose of caffeine would hopefully do it in the morning and bring her through the day. A day she not exactly looked forward to as she had to call DCFS and give Luke to a foster home, make his world spin even more. Not to forget the tension between her and Jay. Tension she didn't even know anymore because the last time they'd had some real argument seemed to be a lifetime ago.

By the time Rylie woke up from her slumber, Erin's decided to leave her alone for a couple of hours so she could go home and talk to Jay before work so they could sort the things out that had happened in the heat of the moment earlier, when they'd both overreacted. So she could apologize for the way she'd left because deep down inside she knew that Jay just wanted to protect her and that her behavior hadn't been fair, just leaving him hanging there with two kids.

″You'll take a shower now and once you're back asleep, I will leave, okay?″ Erin asked. ″I will talk to the hotel manager that they will bring you breakfast at 8.30 and that he'll call you a cab for 9.15 that brings you to the district. I will make some calls later to get you into a facility this evening.″

″What if..-?″

″No Rylie,″ Erin interrupted her instantly. ″You don't need me to babysit you because I know that you can get through these 5 hours all by yourself. You're stronger than you know, believe me.″

″Okay,″ she finally nodded.

″Good, then let's get you into that shower,″ she said and helped her to get up so Rylie could first flush all the cocaine down the toilet and then take a needed shower that would hopefully help her to feel even better, but Rylie hesitated for a moment and instead just stared at her.

″Erin?″ she asked quietly. ″Why are you doing this?″

It was a question that Erin didn't take long to answer. ″Because a long time ago, someone saw something in me that was worth fighting for. And I see something in you. You have a golden heart, Rylie and you deserve a better life. I want to help you because without help I would still live that life we both know too well, wouldn't be a cop, be married and have a baby. The world has so much more to offer and I think you just need someone showing you.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Most parts of Beverly were still sleeping when Erin parked the 300 in the driveway of their house, that was one of very few where the light was on in the kitchen already. Checking the clock on the dashboard, she figured that either Jay was up about 45 minutes earlier than usual for whatever reason or that one of the kids was up already and demanded his attention. She inhaled a deep breath before getting out of the car and went into the house, ready to apologize immediately for the way she'd left earlier, for how she'd reacted in the heat of the moment, because she hated nothing more than this tension between her and Jay. It wasn't usually them to fight but sometimes they were both too stubborn and too hotheaded to avoid it.

″You awake already?″ she asked softly, leaning in the doorway of the kitchen and watching him cutting some fruits, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and croissants baking in the oven invading her nostrils.

Jay set the knife aside by the sound of her voice and turned around to her, his eyes as tired as hers. But there was something else in his face she didn't like at all. ″You think I slept?″ he asked, his voice seldomly harsh.

″Uhm...″ she stammered, this tone catching her off-guard.

″You were away for the whole damn night and didn't write me one single text whether you're okay and when you'll come back.″

″Didn't know I have to report to you,″ she answered, her voice rising slightly now as well, though still friendlier than his tone. So much for apologizing immediately.

″Report to me?″ Jay echoed. ″My wife is with a junkie all night, sorry that I'm worried,″ he snorted and turned around to the fruits on the cutting board again.

″Jay,″ she said all soft and of course her voice found the way right to his heart and he turned to her again. ″There's no reason to be worried. I can handle myself.″

″Erin, you don't get my point,″ Jay said slightly furious. ″This is not about you being able to handle yourself or not. This is about the decisions you make. I know you make a decision that feels right for you in that moment but Erin, this isn't only about you anymore. There's me. There's Emmy. And right now there's even Luke. So when you run out of here somewhen after nine, telling me you'll spend the next couple of hours with a cocaine-addicted girl you barely know and whose brother was murdered by some gang that probably has her as a target as well, sorry that this doesn't settle well with me and that I stay awake, waiting for you to send me a text or at least answer mine at some point.″

Erin bit her lower lip as she felt bad, knowing that he had a point and reached for her phone in the back pocket of her jeans at the same time. Pressing the button that usually would light up the display and show a picture of Emmy and Jay, everything stayed black. ″I didn't charge my phone before I left. I guess it died before you texted me and this night was just so busy and rough...I didn't even think about my phone for one second. I'm sorry,″ she said, adding quietly. ″For everything. The way I left. Forgetting to text you. It wasn't my intention to...I didn't think about any consequences,″ she rambled, feeling even worse now.

″Come here,″ Jay sighed, making a few steps into her direction and wrapping his arms around her. It always felt good to hold her in his arms, especially after a night like this, after this little arguement and being worried for the better part of the night. ″I'm sorry as well. I don't want to be over-protective or anything,″ he mumbled into her hair. ″You just happen to be the most important person in my life.″

By these words, Erin lifted her head to look at him. ″I love you.″

″I love you more,″ Jay smiled tiredly and pecked her lips with a short but soft kiss. ″You want some coffee?″

″I'd kill for some coffee right now,″ she yawned.

″Okay, then let's get you one before that happens,″ Jay winked. ″How did things go with Rylie?″ he asked while pouring the black liquid into her favorite mug. They would definitely need tons of that today to make it through the day without falling asleep on their desks.

″Pretty good. If she makes it to 10 and then to the afternoon, I think she has a chance. Then I get her into a facility and once she's completely clean, I'll help her to get Luke back.″

If only this would be so easy, Jay thought but didn't speak it out loud. Erin was realistic enough to know that it wasn't that easy and that rehabs often failed. But for some reason she seemed to have faith and maybe he should have, too, because it was obvious how important this was for Erin and so it was for him, too, and he hoped, mainly for Erin's sake but also for Rylie's and Luke's sake, that things would turn out the way Erin imagined right now. Because if not, this would be another heartbreak she didn't deserve.

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. ″She's lucky to have you.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The first thing Erin did once they were in the bullpen was calling Clara from Child Services, begging her to come to the 21st because they had a particular difficult case as she didn't want to tell her everything about Rylie's and Luke's situation via the phone. This morning had been a challenge, with Luke asking for his mom several times and because they couldn't give him a satisfying answer, it had eventually ended in a tantrum. Now she hoped that she could finally give him some answers later, or even better, that Rylie could call him and tell him that she would be back soon because as much as she wished that Rylie could see Luke again and vice versa, she knew it was better if Luke didn't see his mom for five minutes only to be seperated from her for the next couple of weeks.

She'd felt bad to leave the 4-year-old with Carol, someone else new yet again, but with Luke not going to preschool and all the things she had to do today, working something out with DCFS, getting Rylie into a facility and solving the murder of Tyler, this had been the only option.

So while everyone was out and about at Tyler's highschool and in the neighborhood in Pilsen, Jay and Erin stayed in the bullpen to wait for Clara because they'd been the ones who've been taking care of Luke and therefore needed to be there. In addition, Erin was of course anxiously waiting for Rylie to show up and she prayed inwardly that Platt would walk up these stairs soon, telling her a young girl wanted to see her.

Clara, the woman she's worked with many times in the last couple of years, came first and mainly Erin but also Jay told her the whole story of Luke and Rylie while drinking coffee in the break room. Clara asked them whether they'd recognized any behavior abnormalities or whether they'd anytime had the feeling that the environment he used to live in did any obvious damage, which they denied. Other than the tantrums, that quite frankly any 4-year-old had, he was a happy little boy with a normal childhood. No violence. No abuse. Only a drug-addicted mother that still tried to do everything for her child.

Of course Clara said that right now on paper, things didn't look good for Rylie, which they'd expected, and that she would place Luke with a foster family no matter what and that they would pick him up from Carol together later, but she also said that she would take the time to talk with Rylie in personal. In case she showed up. Erin tried to avoid to gaze at her phone nervously every two minutes but was anyway more than relieved when Platt showed up in the bullpen, having the young blonde girl in tow.

One could still see the signs of withdrawals in Rylie's face, her eyes tired, her skin pale, dark circles under her eyes. But she looked a lot better than last night, her hair freshly washed and nicely braided and what was most important: sober. Which caused Erin to let out a breath of relief. She introduced Rylie to Jay and Clara and then left her alone with the latter so they could have a chat as just the two of them. Erin wanted nothing more than being in there with Rylie to back her up but she knew that she had to handle this situation on her own to prove that she was able to deal with this.

After 10 endless minutes, Clara begged Erin and Jay back into the room and for a moment Erin wasn't sure whether this was a good sign or not.

″So after assessing the situation first with Erin and Jay and now with you,″ Clara said, looking directly at Rylie who was just as nervous as Erin, ″I can offer you the following thing: you stay sober so Erin can get you into that facility tonight. I will give Erin the number of the foster family I place Luke with and once you're in that facility, you can call him. Providing that you stay in that facility and make progress, you can call him twice a week. We require at least a 2-months-stay and then let one of our psychologists decide whether you're ready to be on your own and can eventually take care of a child. Once you're out, there'll be supervised visits first, then you can spend an hour or two per day with him alone and we'll see how things go from there. There is a chance that you get him back but it takes a while. You'll need a job and an apartment and Child Services will keep a close eye on you for the next years, will do drug tests and all.″

No matter what Clara said, Rylie nodded mechanically, finding her voice again in the end. ″Thank you,″ she said quietly. ″I'll give my best.″

″That's what we hope,″ Clara said to the young girl. ″This is your only chance, Rylie.″

″I know. Erin kinda told me the same yesterday,″ she answered, glancing at Erin thankfully. ″What am I going to do until tonight?″

″You stay here,″ Erin decided. ″We'll now go with Clara to pick up Luke and will stop by your apartment on our way. I'll pack a bag of clothes for you and one for Luke and we'll accompany Clara and Luke when they meet the foster family. Once everything is settled, we come back, bring lunch and then I can probably get you into the facility early. You stay on this chair or on the couch over there and don't move.″

″Sounds good,″ Rylie said.

″Okay, get comfy,″ Erin said, touching her upper arm supportingly before they left. On the way to the 300 she first informed Platt that Rylie was still upstairs and begged her to check on her every once in a while and then first called Carol to tell her that they would show up in the next 20 minutes and then Hank to inform him that Rylie would stay in the bullpen until the afternoon.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Hey guys,″ Carol smiled when she opened the door, introducing herself to Clara.

″How's it going?″ Jay asked as the group of three followed her into the apartment.

″Good, we're building a zoo and a tower with Lego bricks,″ the older woman explained and stopped in the doorway to the living room so everyone could watch the scene in front of them.

″No Emmy, you have to put it here,″ Luke said, taking the blue Lego brick from Emmy's hand to build some kind of fence with it. Both kids were sitting on the floor, playing peacefully, Crispin lying close by. On the days when Carol didn't have to take care of Adeline, her other daycare child, she was instead taking care of Crispin as well. ″This is where the lions will be, you see? They'll come in here, right next to the tigers.″

″Hey Luke, there's someone for you,″ Carol said and both Erin and Jay somehow wished she hadn't destroyed this peaceful moment because they would take it all away again by telling Luke that he had to live with new people yet again.

″Erin! Jay!″ he exclaimed excitedly, his face lighting up in a way neither of them had expected. ″You see my zoo?″ he asked and jumped up from the floor to run to them. ″I even built a tower so someone can watch the animals and take care that they don't escape. Come, I'll show you,″ he babbled and took both, Erin's and Jay's hands to pull them to the play area in the middle of the room. It was hard to believe that a couple of hours ago, this boy had cried because he missed his mom and uncle and it was amazing how fast kids seemed to forget about the things that had made them unhappy just a couple of hours ago. Of course things could go in the other direction pretty fast as well.

″That's so cool, buddy,″ Jay smiled, running his hand through Luke's blonde curls before sitting down on the floor.

″Hey bug,″ Erin smiled when she sat down behind Emmy, kissing the top of her head. ″Did you help Luke to build the zoo?″

″She always gave me the bricks,″ Luke nodded eagerly. ″Jay you see, that's for the lions,″ he said, pointing to his building proudly.

″They'll have the best life in there,″ Jay said, reaching for the lion and putting it in there. ″And for who's that cage you built here?″ he asked, pointing to one that was still empty.

″It's for the giraffes. That's why the wall is so high,″ Luke explained and took the giraffe to place it inside the walls of Lego bricks. ″See Erin, it's too high for them to escape.″

″You don't think they can jump over it?″ Erin asked, helping Emmy to get on her feet and holding her around her waist so she could stand.

″No way,″ Luke giggled. ″Giraffes can't jump...can they?″ he asked, looking from Erin to Jay.

″No, I don't think they can, bud,″ Jay laughed. ″But maybe those are special,″ he added and took the giraffe in his hand. ″See, it's gaining speed, it's getting faster and faster and woooow, it's jumping,″ he immitated whichever kind of moderator and let the giraffe jump over the wall. ″It's jumping to Emmy,″ he said and placed the giraffe on her shoulder for a second, Emilia giving him a confused glance before a smile broke through. ″And now it's jumping to Luke, here it comes,″ he grinned and let the giraffe rest on Luke's shoulder now.

″Hey Luke, you see I'm a special giraffe. The only one in the world that can do this.″ The way Jay changed his voice was so funny, Erin couldn't hold back a chuckle, but at the same time it was absolutely damn adorable.

″Daddy is so silly today,″ she whispered into Emilia's ear.

″Hello special giraffe,″ Luke meanwhile beamed and took the toy from Jay's hand. ″What should we do about it, Jay? Build it even higher?″

″Naah, I think you should just let the giraffe jump around your zoo, that's quite cool.″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded. ″When mommy and I go to the zoo next time, can you and Erin and Emmy come with?″ he asked and within one second, the whole atmosphere changed, at least for Erin and Jay. Gone was the moment of goofing around, of enjoying some off-time while they were actually still on the clock. They were here for different reasons after all, but it has been nice to forget about all of this for a minute and just see Luke being so happy and settled.

″Uhm...we'll work something out,″ Jay answered vaguely, looking to Erin somehow helplessly. They both knew that now was the moment to tell Luke about his mom not coming back anytime soon and that the lady in the background, that he probably hasn't even recognized so far due to his excitement, would bring him to a new family.

″Erin, Jay, can I talk with you for a second?″ Clara said while Erin was still undecided about how to start the conversation that had to be made, the conversation that would burst Luke's bubble.

″Who's that?″ Luke asked.

″That's Clara. She's my friend,″ Erin explained. My friend that will take you away from us and bring you to your foster family. ″We'll be back in a minute, Lukey.″

She got up from the floor, lifting Emmy up as well and handing her to Carol on her way out.

″What's up?″ Erin asked as soon as they were outside of the apartment, Jay standing behind her, his hand resting on her shoulder respectively neck.

″I was just wondering...″ she said, looking from Erin to Jay and then somehow at the both of them together as she spoke out the words that could change their life forever. ″Do you want to foster Luke?″

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Don't forget that reviews make my day :) I know some of you want them to keep Luke and some of you don't, so I guess not everyone will be happy with the decision I made here but all I'm saying is: just TRUST ME... thanks ;)