The Voices

I'm not crazy, I swear. I just gave my emotions names. Which those names make them feel more human. The thing is, after I did that, the more real the felt. They felt like actual people arguing inside my head or in fact in front of me, one of them always winning, who is never me. They were loud, powerful, and painfully annoying. It was hard to tell people that I hear voices, because I know they would think I am insane when I know I am not. I'm not insane, it's not me. I turn into another person when they take over and then when they leave, I sit there, staring blankly and numb. I'm not crazy.

I was sitting in my first class of the day, everyone was silent, because we were doing the daily warmup when I suddenly heard someone say, "They all hate you, they think you're annoying." My head shot up, looking around the room with fear in my eyes. "Did you hear that?" I whispered to one of my classmates. He looked at me confused and like I was crazy, shaking his head no and looking back down at his paper. I hear voices, I hear them telling me things they want me to believe.. and I believe them. When I try and ignore them, they get louder. They get so loud, it's unbearable.

When the school day ended, I walked out to my sister's car. I heard them throughout the whole day, I just wanted to get home and sleep at this point. I kept randomly like this, sometimes it will lasts an hour or days. It's not something I was able to control, I didn't have control over it. I would be told countless times to take control and I am stronger than them, but it wasn't as simple as that. When I take control, they just get louder.

Though, other days, they are quiet and there cooperate. I don't feel suffocated nor do I feel like I am in a dark room, alone. It seems as to be I am okay and perfectly fine, like nothing is wrong with me. The thing is, I never see it as a serious issue so I don't ever say anything to anyone about it. "How was your day at school?" I buckled my seatbelt and looked at her, shrugging my shoulders. "Fine, I guess. The same as always. Nothing really new happens anymore. How was work?"

"Fine, I am going to drop you off at home then we are going to look for furniture and stuff for the house. What do you want for dinner?" I shrugged my shoulders and put my headphones in, deciding not to let our conversation go any further. I needed music blasting to cancel the voices out. It helped me focus more.

Once I got home, I waved bye to my sister and her husband, going inside to do my chores. It was odd not having my brothers and mom around, but I knew it was something I needed it get used to. After I finished my chores, I grabbed my book bag and headed up to my bedroom. Now, my room doesn't have a door, They took it off. For obvious reasons, I went psycho on them and it was the only solution. I fell onto my bed and rolled into the covered deciding to take a nap. It was very much needed, even though I had a lot of school work to do. I took my headphones off and put my phone on the charger, calling in my cat to come cuddle and take a nap with me. Her name is Taco, she was like my best friend and really helped me with my anxiety. Just as I called her name, she came running in and meowing. Taco hopped onto my bed and snuggled in the blankets, me cuddling up to her. "Let's take a nap, then we can play."

I woke up from the sound of my sister calling my name and the smell of food. I was guessing she made dinner. I sat up tiredly and rubbed my eyes, checking the time. "It's almost eight!?! Did I really nap that long?" I let out a little whine and quickly changed into something more comfortable before heading downstairs. "Did you do homework yet?" I shook my head no. "I did chores as soon as I got home then took a nap. I didn't know I was going to nap that long, what did you make?" I leaned over her shoulder to see what she had made, Fried Chicken and rice. It smelled really good, wasting no time to grab a plate. She grabbed food for her and my brother in law then heading upstairs. I made sure to yell out a thank you before she fully got up the stairs and into one of the rooms. I grabbed my food then also headed upstairs.

I knew I would be up very late doing homework, because I had a really hard time focusing and sitting still. It didn't hurt to try, even thought the outcome is always the same. I settled. in my chair and began to start doing my math work, putting on something random to watch. I always seemed to do multiple things at once, knowing I can barely focus on a single assignment I am given. That is probably also why it takes me so long to do it, because I get distracted and focus on what's playing in front of me or who is texting me on my phone. Though, I somehow finished earlier than I thought I would. I was really proud of myself, but I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do now.. it was almost three in the morning. I sigh, deciding I would just lay down and scroll through my phone, and right when I was about to fall asleep... the voices came back, making me not be able to sleep the rest of the night.