8. Chapter 8

A/N: Hey everyone! So I have to let you know now, some of the points made by Erin in this story are actually from real life. Not mine, but in my community and family studies class we've been watching this short film called 'polly and me' and an interview about different kids who have been in that situation, and it kind of made me think of Erin's situation. Just wanted to offer full disclosure :)

Also, the italics are flashbacks, most are little things that Jay's said to her at one time or the other or vice versa.

Enjoy!

~Another Broken Heart You've Left Behind~

*One Week Later*

"I don't really know where to start" Erin's voice was uncharacteristically nervous. Her hands sat in her lap, her fingers constantly fiddling around.

"You're here" Dr Charles smiled "I'd say that's a pretty good start"

Erin smiled slightly as she looked at the therapist. They'd had a few sessions when she returned to work, under Voight's strict rules. They hadn't really talked much though, Erin wasn't really ready to start talking soon and Dr Charles wasn't the type to force a patient into discussing something they didn't want to.

"How about we start with last week. Why did you ask to see me?" Dr Charles started

"Ben developed RSV, he was rushed to the hospital" Erin explained "and Bunny decided that was the right time to show up again"

"And?" He pushed

"And we had a huge argument. And I kicked her out of my life, again" Erin shrugged like it was no big deal.

"And how do you feel about that?"

Erin snorted "Don't shrinks get tired of asking that question?"

"Erin"

"I guess ... I know it's what needed to be done, for my family. But she's my mother, I always hoped that she would clean up her act and be there for me. I guess I just wasn't enough for her"

"Tell me more about your childhood. We've talked about Hank coming into your life, but you never really told me what made you start taking drugs"

Erin sighed "I was always surrounded by addicts, basically my entire life. I remember my dad used to take me and Teddy out every Sunday when Bunny would get absolutely shit-faced with all the neighbours. He used to tell me that Teddy and I, we were destined for something more than the life we had"

"What happened to change that?" Dr Charles asked

"He went to prison. And suddenly there wasn't anyone to protect me from the environment I was in. I wanted so badly to connect with my mum, to have her love me, want me. And I remember when I was 15, all the girls were taking drugs, staying home with their mums. They all got along. I thought that maybe if I started taking drugs, my mum and I would connect too"

"And did it? Bring you two closer together?"

Erin shook her head.

"Ok, tell me about your family" Dr Charles changed subject "Your unit, your son, your partner"

"My unit's amazing. They've had my back since day one, and they didn't judge me even after I left and fucked everything up" Erin paused "I've never really understood why they did that. I hurt them all so much"

"You said it yourself in our first session, they're your family" Dr Charles replied "Keep going"

"Ben, is everything. He's the one good thing I ever truly did. He's been babbling a lot more lately, Jay reckons he's going to start talking any day" Erin smiled brightly

"Tell me about Jay"

"He's my partner. He's been there for me for everything, even when he didn't agree with me, he still stood by me. Supported me"

"You know, we've never really discussed your relationship with him. You've said he's your partner, but from what I gather from his brother and Hank, the two of you have always been a lot more than just partners, enough that you created a child together"

Erin's smile faded to a sadder one "We had been trying the whole professional relationship while raising a baby thing, and then when I moved to the task force we started seeing each other. Hank didn't really seem to mind when I moved back to intelligence. We moved in together, we were happy. I finally had the family that I had always dreamed of...And then Nadia died"

"What did Nadia's death have to do with your relationship?" Dr Charles spoke

Silence.

"Erin, We have to talk about this. You evaded it the first time we did this, but if you're serious about wanting help, you've got to talk to me instead of pushing me away"

"You've got to talk to me Erin. I can't keep doing this with you. You've got to stop being so hard on yourself. You push everyone away because you think you deserve to be punished. But it's what holding you back. It's what's tearing us apart"

"I blamed myself" She spoke softly this time "All I could think about was that if I hadn't gone anywhere near her, if I had just left her where I'd found her, she'd still be alive. I thought that, maybe if I just left the people I cared about, I could protect them. If I wasn't there to cause them pain then they would be safe. I didn't want to lose anyone else in my life"

Dr Charles frowned "Nadia was a drug addict when you met her, correct?" Erin nodded her head

"I think it's safe to assume that there is a very good chance she would have been dead from drugs a lot sooner, had you not saved her from that" He said "Erin, you gave her a better quality of life. Even if it was short-lived, Nadia was much happier, and she had a life worth living, because of you. You can't blame yourself for the actions of a serial rapist"

"I know that now" Erin agreed "It took a while, but I do understand that now"

"And what made you realise that?"

"Jay"

Dr Charles smiled "Mr Halstead seems to be a very big factor in your life"

"He's my best friend"

"Is that all he is?" he inquired

"That's all he can be" She spoke sadly "He made it very clear that the two of us were partners, and friends, and parents to Ben. We couldn't be anything more" she shrugged.

Dr Charles raised an eyebrow "Why don't I believe you?"

"He really did say that" Erin promised "But, lately some of his actions have just been the opposite of what he's saying. And I don't know how to interpret that. Do I put myself out there? Do I wait for him to change his mind? I'm a mess here doc"

"That's what love does to you unfortunately" Dr Charles laughed "Do you? Love him?

"Yes, with all my heart. I want us to be a family, to be partners in every sense of the words not just in the professional capacity. He and Ben are my family, my whole world"

Dr Charles nodded, writing notes on his paper pad. He took off his glasses and placed them on top of his pen and paper on the table next to him

"We've only got a minute or two until our session ends, so can I make a suggestion?" Erin nodded "How about we focus on you, and your relationship with Jay as well, for the next few sessions, and maybe in a couple week's time you can invite Jay in here to talk with us?"

Erin thought about it for a moment. Did she want to drag Jay into this? She had promised him she'd let him in, maybe this was the best way to do that.

"Ok, let's do it"

"Are you sure you can look after him?" Jay asked as he handed Ben to Hank.

Burgess, Ruzek, Dawson and Atwater had decided to have dinner and drinks together at a new restaurant Burgess' sister had opened in Chicago. They had invited both Erin and Jay along as well. Both parents were feeling overwhelmingly nervous, since this was the first night they would be leaving Ben since he had been in the hospital.

"You realise I raised a boy myself? Not to mention that little hellion of yours" Hank said flicking his chin in Erin's direction

"Hey!" She frowned "I was not that bad!"

"I bet" Jay snorted as Erin hit his shoulder.

"just go, I'll call if there are any problems"

"You promise?" Erin questioned, leaning in to kiss Ben's nose for what Hank felt was the hundredth time in the last couple of minutes.

"If you two don't get out of my house right now I'm gonna throw you in the cage" He grumbled "Leave me and my grandson be, and go have fun with the team. We'll be fine"

Jay sighed and nodded, leaning and to kiss Ben as well before taking Erin's hand and dragging her out the door to the car. He chuckled as Erin grabbed the keys from his hand, skipping around to the driver's side of the car, a cheeky smile on her face.

"He'll be fine with Hank right?" Erin asked as they began their drive to the restaurant.

"Of course, tonight will be fun Lindsay. Trust me, I've got a feeling about this" he smirked at Erin as she smiled in return. Tonight was looking hopeful already.

A/N: So, I hope you liked the little insights of Dr Charles and Erin's session. I'm not the greatest with that kind of stuff in terms of my writing so I tried to use as much of my own experiences and from what I've seen on different shows and stuff to offer as realistic an example as I could.

Next will be more of the dinner and some Grandpa-Grandson time for Hank and Ben.

As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think!

Have a good week!

- Maddie :)