Chapter 3

The awaited time had finally come, I was now allowed free range of the library. I was hoping some research would help take my mind off what happened during the party. 

"Katarina, what do you know about the library here," I asked when she brought me my dinner in my room.

"I've only been in once during my first tour of the palace but from what I remember, it's absolutely huge. Oh, there's also a section of forbidden books, it was also quite large."

"Do you know what's in it?"

"It's the forbidden section, Kitty. Why would a maid know?"

"You have a point."

"Why are you suddenly so interested in the library? You have a sizable collection of books here in your room."

"Katarina, do you believe in magic?"

"Ms.Vera always said that it wasn't impossible for it to exist but that it's more likely that people in the past probably just mistook natural phenomena as magic. Ms.Vera is very smart so I agree with her. Besides this is technically a heresy, although people tend not to care about it quite as much nowadays."

"Ah Katarina you're an excellent exposition machine. You knew me in the past, what would you say if I told you I'm not Kitty Bezuheva but instead another person from a different world who took over her body?"

"First I'd say thank the lord you've changed and then say that it's more likely you just had a change of heart or hit your head."

"Well what if it was true?"

"Well is there really a need to think about it? Even if you were a different person you're still inhabiting the body of Kitty so the physical reality of you being the Princess hasn't changed."

"Very philosophical of you, Katarina."

"Ms.Vera always said that I had a strange way of thinking of things. If you believe yourself to be a different person and believe magic to be the culprit then I guess I understand why you'd want to go to the library."

"Thank you for not freaking out about this or calling me crazy."

"Well I never said you weren't crazy but in all honesty I prefer this version of you to what you were before. It's only been a day and I've already gotten to have so much fun. Promise me that when you wake up you won't change back. I think I'd die if I had to face the real Kitty."

"Well all of this was against my will to begin with anyways, so no promises."

"Do you want me to call you something else when we are alone? You've treated me so kindly so far, it would be a small thing for me to do."

"Let me see, back in my world I was called…I don't remember."

I felt the blood drain from my face and my palms start to sweat. Why couldn't I remember? I thought about all I could remember of my world. It was certainly more technologically advanced than this one, we had computers and cars and air conditioning. I could remember broad things about it, and minute things but any time I thought about myself my memories went fuzzy. I couldn't remember the faces of my friends and family. My age, what I did for a living, everything that was connected directly to me was just…gone. All I was left with was my personality, the knowledge I didn't belong here and a growing need to escape.

Katarina noticed the sudden change in composure this question caused and asked,"did I ask something I shouldn't have, I'm sorry."

"No, you couldn't have known. I didn't know until you asked just now but I don't remember anything about myself from the other world. I don't know if it's just staying in this world for too long, I was so worried about the fact I had changed worlds that I didn't think about myself when I woke up this morning. I keep trying to break past this mental barrier but I get this terrible feeling of unease."

"Maybe you should go to bed for the night Kitty. Let's save the library for another night."

"No, I need to think about something else right now, let's go."

*****

Katarina was right, this place was absolutely massive. Old tomes and brand new novels mingled on shelves that towered over the two of us. The only thing that rivled the amount of books in here was the staggering amount of dust on everything. Just looking at it made me feel like sneezing.

"They say that this library has a copy of every book in the country," Katarina informed me helpfully.

"Such a huge library must have a sizable staff too. Let's find someone who can help us."

"Oh I knew I was forgetting an interesting fact about this library," Katarina suddenly exclaimed,"there's only one librarian in the whole place!"

"What? That makes no sense, unless it's some sort of wizard."

"There's little need for library staff when very few people come here to read in the first place," a strange voice replied to me.

I whipped around to look at the source of the voice to find a little old man in a cloak standing behind me. He seemed to be covered in the same layer of dust that everything in the library was. I was surprised by how quiet he was since he was walking around with a large walking stick and putting all his weight on it. 

He chuckled at my surprised expression and continued,"one of the Tsars from long ago decreed that this library have all the books in the country in it. That was a time before there were printing presses, look at her now," as he said this he gestured around and started walking, not wishing to interrupt him, Katarina and I followed behind him quietly,"this was once the largest ballroom the palace had to offer but now it's a library. Truly a shame how nobody but this old man uses it anymore. All the royals have their own personal collection and the servants have no time to read. The only work I have to do any more is to put away the new books that are delivered to me on a monthly basis."

Katarina and I had followed the old librarian to what was apparently his desk. It stood tall and opposing in contrast to the short tables for reading that filled this section of the library. I questioned how he would manage to lift himself up into the high chair behind the desk but it proved little hindrance to him. He lit the candle on his desk and a golden light revealed all the open books he had on it. 

"So then Princess, what could this old librarian help you with this evening?"

"Umm I would like to go into the restricted section," I asked, somewhat meekly.

He laughed,"now there's a request I haven't heard in a long time. Unfortunately for you only the Tsar and those he gives express permission to can enter that place and as far as I know the current Tsar hasn't stepped foot in there nor expressed any interest in doing so. The last time that place was opened was when your great grandfather had some remodeling done, I was a young man back then. It's unfortunate, but I can't let you in there without your father's approval. That said, this library is vast and surely I can find you a book that answers your questions."

"Do you have any books on magic or just unexplained phenomena? If that doesn't work, how about early history or a biography on a historical person who had a sudden change in personality?"

The librarian raised an eyebrow at my request," well magic is certainly something you'd only find concrete answers about in the restricted section. You best be careful Princess, the current Tsar is relaxed about the heresy of mentioning magic but you're sure to cause some alarm from others with more traditional ways of thinking by brazenly searching for answers. As for the other topics, if you don't mind reading some more difficult texts I have just the books for you."

The librarian lept off the chair and walked around the library with surprising swiftness. He returned with three books: A Look Into the Early Years of Tolstoya, Travelogue of a Stranger, and The Life and Times of Arthur Mildrech: a Psychological Perspective.

"These three books are my recommendations. Early Years was lauded by historians in my day as the most comprehensive book on the subject. I've read more modern books on the subject but they tend to ignore evidence in order to push whatever narrative they feel like pushing. Travelogue is the rewritten notes of an early explorer. Some of it is fictionalized but the vast majority is true. Your last request was the trickiest of all but I think Arthur Mildrech fits the bill. It's a modern book from the country of Wildean but I can't fault the translation. Usually Wildelish sounds so stilted when translated but the translators really put a lot of effort into this one. It's a scientific perspective so perhaps it doesn't fit the bill of what you're looking for but it's all I could come up with at the moment. I've got nothing better to do so if you want I will comb the library for another book for you."

"That would be wonderful. Next time I will come with permission from my father and enter the restricted section," I promised.

"I will be awaiting your return princess," the old librarian said cheerfully. If Katarina and I were the only vistors to his library in what could possibly be years I didn't doubt his sincerity. 

****

Travelogue was the shortest of the books so I decided that I would start with that one. I dismissed Katarina for the night after having her light all the candles in my room. The light levels in the room seemed to be consistent wherever I was so I settled down in my massive bed and prepared to strain my eyes to read the text. That strange translator embedded in my eyes made it extraordinarily easy to read, in fact I probably didn't need any light at all. 

The book had me in its grasp almost immediately, the protagonist was a court appointed explorer sent to brave the wilds of the north. Despite presumably writing these notes in the dead of night while it was freezing cold, he was very meticulous in his documentation. Not only did he take time to describe the various forms of wildlife he stumbled across, he also made sure to note the relationships between the small expedition he had hired. The small moments of human life gave a nice contrast to the haunting insistence by the protagonist that there should be some sort of trace of human life out there but so far, after months of travel they had not found anything. 

The story came to a head when the expedition finally stumbled across the sign of human life that they had been looking for. A very poorly put together campsite and the frozen remains of a human that had been scavenged by animals was all they found. In the person's possessions was a note written in a strange script. The expedition had to stop for a few days while a blizzard raged on. In the interim period the protagonist spent a lot of time trying to decipher the note and thinking about the strange circumstances around the campsite. It was chilling to watch him become obsessed with trying to figure out how such a poorly equipped person managed to make it hundreds of miles in the vast wilderness without so much as a proper jacket. 

The lively descriptions of camp life became terse observations and theories. Any mention of his fellow members was negative, he noted he was annoyed by their constant pestering. There was a large argument when he insisted on dragging the corpse back to the campsite despite the weather. When they wouldn't let him, he decided to go by himself in the dead of night. His last message was, "I'm close to figuring this out, if I can just see that thing again I can finally rest. I know the path ahead is dangerous and if I never find my way back: God help us all."

From there the book abandoned its first person narrative and became a history book, apparently the team never managed to recover the protagonist despite extensive searching. They never found the corpse or the campsite either. Eventually when their supplies dwindled they were forced to head back. Despite the extensive cataloging, historians are still unsure of exactly where the expedition ended up but the vast majority agree that they probably were somewhere in the current domain of Count Rostov. 

I closed the book and stared up at the canopy on my bed. I didn't bother looking at the clock, I knew it was late and the candles had long since burned out. The librarian had mentioned that parts of it were sensationalized but that it was mostly factual. The book itself mentioned that it had made up a member of the expedition whole cloth in order to keep the reader engaged but it swore that the final section with the campsite was as it was exactly the same as the original notes, just updated to modern vernacular.

Despite the fact that I was tired I couldn't help but think of what I had just read. I sincerely doubted that it had anything to do with my current situation but I couldn't help but feel majorly creeped out by the whole thing. It wasn't exactly surprising that a man would get lost in the middle of a blizzard and then freeze to death but the fact they found no trace of him or the campsite afterwards made my blood run cold. 

When I finally fell asleep I dreamt I was alone in a frozen wasteland, not too unlike the setting of the book. I should have felt cold but I didn't, instead I just felt like I needed to go somewhere. As I walked through the taiga the feeling like I needed to go somewhere became urgent and my leisurely walk soon became a run. I couldn't find what I was looking for though and the feeling became a gnawing anxiety. As I bolted between trees I found myself running on all fours, desperate to get away from whatever it was that was looming over me. Just when I thought I would burst from the strain of it all I entered a clearing. In the center of the clearing was someone face down in the snow. I knew immediately that this thing had drawn me to this place and the wild need to be close to it was replaced by a terrible cold feeling of dread. Even though I didn't want to get any closer to it I was drawn by some strange magnetic force to it. I tried closing my eyes so I didn't have to look at it but I couldn't. Just looking at it made me nauseous, it was clearly shaped like a person but I couldn't make out anything about it. Now just a passenger in my own body I watched as I crouched down next to it, grabbed its shoulder and flipped it over.

Before I could get a glance of its face I awoke with a start. My heart was pumping and I was drenched in sweat. All at once everything about the dream dissipated and all I was left with was the strange feeling that I had seen something I shouldn't have.

Katerina was in the room dusting and arranging things on my desk in preparation for me to wake up. This room was already spotless but having only been my maid for a day she was unsure if it was proper for her to wake me.

Noticing the fact that I was now awake, she quickly sprang up and fetched me the breakfast tray so I could eat. I checked the clock, it was only eight in the morning, luckily I hadn't slept in too late. 

As I forced myself to eat, Katarina prattled off my schedule for the day and looked a bit nervous when I told her that I wanted my entire schedule for the day cleared off.

"Well the head maids won't like it but I'll see what I can do, oh but you can't skip dinner."

I was dreading this dinner, but there really was no getting out of it, I was the guest of honor after all. It was a dinner to celebrate my proposal to the Count, of course this proposal also came with a big party that I would be attending so I failed to see why this dinner was necessary. I was mostly nervous because this dinner was to be attended by Kitty's immediate family. I supposed I was grateful that it was just a small dinner between my family and not another party for me to be bored out of my mind at. Although such an intimate get together meant there was a larger chance of them suspecting something. There was also the deal with dismissing my handlers for Katarina which I wasn't looking forward to being scolded for. It wasn't all bad though, if I played my cards right I could get permission into the restricted section of the library.

Ignoring my own unease about dinner I picked up Mildrech and began reading. Much like Travelogue it had nothing to do with my current situation. Unlike Travelogue it was incredibly boring. I made it through 30 pages before giving up and tossing it across the room. The only book left was the history book, so I picked it up off my desk and settled back into bed.

To call this thing a mere book was a disservice, it was for things such as this that the word "tome" was invented. It differed from other tomes in that it was brand new, I could hear the glue in the spine protest as I opened it up for the first time. I was not enraptured by it like I was Travelogue but I did find it interesting.

Tolstoya was originally a small village with under a hundred inhabitants. Given the weather in the area, eternally snowing and freezing, it was next to impossible to farm and so the inhabitants slowly starved to death with none being able to muster up the strength to ask for help from neighboring villages. One day, a miracle occurred. The snow and ice outside had been completely melted and what was once incapable of sustaining life was now fertile and good. The villagers, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, jumped into action. They foraged in the surrounding woods for food to sustain them in the short term and farmed to sustain themselves in the long term. Thus they enjoyed a permanent spring for many years until one day a woman showed herself in the town square.

"Villagers," she bellowed,"for many years I have blessed thee with good land and good weather and yet I get no thanks in return. Asides from a single boy none of you dare venture into the woods to seek out the one who has gifted this boon upon you. All of you are dullards and fools and are unworthy of such riches."

Sensing that the village was about to be once again plunged into an endless winter the brave boy stepped up and said,"please Great One, let us mend our mistake. For our transgressions against you, you may once again plunge this place into ice and cold for half the year but please, allow us half the year under the sun to toil in order to produce fruits and grains for not only the benefit of the people but also to gift to you in thanks for your generosity."

The woman seemed pleased by this suggestion, saying,"I accept your compromise, though you are but a youth I sense the mind of a great leader growing within you. If you and your progeny are to lead the people I know that they will no longer be complacent idiots. From this day forward I name thee king of all lands under my dominion. Should thee ever turn into a tyrant I shall strike thee down and, your covenant unfulfilled, the land shall be plunged into an eternal winter so bitter and cold that everywhere the sun now currently touches will be suffocated by ice and snow."

And that is the legendary story about how my ancestor was crowned king by a mysterious mage. Having opened with this story, the book then takes its time to dissect and look behind the curtain in regards to this legend. For starters the "Great One" mentioned in the story is a truly enigmatic figure. Historians have found evidence of cults dedicated to her worship but Tolstoya was brought under this world's version of christianity only three hundred years after this story was supposed to take place. It's theorized that this is simply the fragment left of a much larger and complex deity that was put into this fable since it didn't mesh well with the main figure of the church. 

I lost many hours of my time reading folk legend and subsequent historical analysis after folk tale and subsequent analysis. The magic that my ancestors could supposedly control was never very concrete, it was more of a literary device that appeared only when needed which made me think that it was just that, device used to spice up parables and fairytales. Despite the obvious staring them in the face, the author of the book refused to ever completely dismiss the possibility that the royal family had magical powers. Even during the early take over of the church when it was supposedly an extreme heresy to practice magic my ancestors were performing miracles in front of large crowds just fine. I couldn't help having a small part of me believe in the possibility that the latent magical power held in the original Kitty's body may have been the reason I was here in the first place. I would be a fool to completely deny the chance of magic having a hand in this, after all I was suddenly transported to a world I thought to be a video game.

I couldn't follow that train of thought any longer because Katarina knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. In addition to her I could hear Olga and Alisa talking.

"Ah right, I have to get ready for dinner," I mumbled.

I let the three girls get me ready for dinner with very little complaint, only denying whatever makeup they offered. I was so absorbed by my thoughts that I was still spaced out even in front of my father.

"So then Kitty, I hear you have finally gotten over your juvenile habit of bullying your maids. I'm sure the entire staff of the Rostov household has felt a great weight lifted off their shoulders and do not even know why," my father, the tsar, joked.

Finally snapped back into reality by someone addressing me I murmured," I couldn't act like a child forever."

"I told you it would take some time, but she's grown into a fine adult," my mother said in response.

Now that the sparse conversation was over the four of us went back to eating in silence. I glanced at the only one who had not said anything, my brother and one of the love interests in the game, Prince Andrei. He was staring at his meal with a fixed concentration, like he was solving a puzzle. All of a sudden I felt a hand on my thigh, it was him. Startled by the sudden physical contact, I jumped in my seat a little bit.

"Is there anything wrong," my father asked upon noticing the sudden movement.

"Ah, I just bit my tongue," I responded, trying not to jump again when I felt Andrei's hand on my thigh again.

What the fuck was he doing? I shot him a glare but he was still staring at his food like it contained the secrets of the universe. 

"Say Father, would you grant access to the forbidden section of the library," I blurted out, stressed by the awkwardness of the situation. 

The queen looked like she wanted to spit out the wine she had started to sip.

My father just laughed,"and what's with that sudden request?"

"Well I'm going to be leaving the castle soon and it's one of the only places I haven't been to yet."

"This isn't really the place to be having this conversation. Why don't you meet me in my study after dinner so we can talk about it?"

"Thank you Father."

After that the dinner continued in relative silence, with a few comments from the tsar peppered in at random intervals. The entire dinner Andrei didn't say anything, he just kept his hand on my leg and stared at his meal, occasionally taking a half hearted bite out of a side dish.

It felt like forever but eventually the meal was finished and I followed my father to his study. He gestured at me to sit in a chair in front of his desk so I obliged and he sat down at his own chair behind the desk.

"So Kitty, tell me the real reason you want to go into the forbidden section," the tsar asked, losing his usual jovial air.

"What do you mean? I am telling the truth," I said and felt my palms sweat.

"Kitty I am no fool, if anyone in the palace starts snooping around in regards to magic, especially the princess, I'm going to hear about it. There's nothing that goes on under this roof without my knowledge. A sudden personality change and a new vested interest in magic, I don't have all the puzzle pieces but something has happened to you Kitty. 

Is it Andrei? I let the two of you do as you please up until now because I could make sure nothing bad happened to you but if you want me to step in please just say something. You looked uncomfortable at dinner."

"No, no Andrei has nothing to do with it. I'm not even sure what you're talking about, he seems to hate me," I answered, bewildered.

My answer caused the tsar to fold his hands and look at the surface of his desk in contemplation. After a few minutes of thinking he said,'' I am not sure who you are but you are not my daughter. Ah! Don't look so concerned, I'm not going to turn you out of the house. There's only one person in this house that didn't despise that woman and I am not him. It has been too long since I heard the word 'father' from those lips of yours and even longer since I've heard the words 'thank you.' This also takes care of a brewing problem concerning you and the Count, I should be thanking my lucky stars if anything."

He paused before continuing,"I still have my reservations about this but you seem like a good natured girl and it's better to tell you now before you divine it for yourself and accidentally let the secret slip. Just give me your word you will tell no one else about this."

I nodded in silent agreement at this command.

"The restricted section of the library is full of identical journals. Each one filled with dull day to day happenings. All written by the current sitting tsar. On its own this isn't enough to warrant restricting it from prying eyes. Why, I have a few years of journals sitting out in a bookcase here," as he said this he pointed at a bookcase that was mostly the same unlabeled journal,"the problem comes with the really old ones. The ones that have had to be copied a dozen times because time keeps passing and causing the copies to crumble to dust. In these journals is the secret our family has tried so desperately to hide; there is no magic in this world, Kitty,"

"Huh," I was so dumbfounded by this expected answer delivered with such gravitas.

The tsar laughed,"there are a great number of secrets hidden in those old journals but the lack of magic is really the big one. It may seem like not a big deal now but there was a time when our right to rule was based solely on the superstitions of the common people. Even though the church has a stranglehold on our country everyone, including the nobility, still hold the belief that the royal family is capable of miracles. If this were to get out, I fear that our beautiful country would simply collapse. Forget the peasants, we could handle a revolt. The thing I fear the most is the political instability caused by a flurry of nobles with the idea of being the king in the forefront of their minds. This is also why you confuse me so as well. You've suffered no traumatic injuries to the head yet seem to have simply woken up a completely different person. There's no logical explanation for that, I can't blame you for thinking it must have been magic."

"That's confusing for me as well," I offered a meaningless comment.

"Well now that we are on the same page I'd love to hear your thoughts."

"I'm not quite sure what to say."

"Not sure or can't say?"

"A little bit of both," I answered.

"Like I said, you are not my daughter. However I am sure that whoever you are, you are not some evil witch who stole the body of the princess. As long as you continue to live in relative accordance to what is asked for you you will not face any resistance from me. This is not an invitation to start acting bizarrely, I heard about the party yesterday, if you cannot behave regularly at large social gatherings I will make an excuse for you not to attend. Of course you can't not attend your own proposal party so I ask you be on your best behavior.Lastly, this isn't meant to be a threat, I can see and hear everything you do. So, please, behave yourself normally. Now then, I believe your brother is attempting to contact you. I won't hold you up any longer."

I left the tsar's study and as he said my brother's maid approached me with an envelope. Once she gave it to me she scurried away without so much as a word. I looked at the envelope, it had "Kitty" written on it in fairly nice handwriting. I turned it over to find it was sealed with wax. I opened it as best I could and read the contents. 

"Dearest Kitty,

I apologize for my conduct at dinner. Please allow me to make it up to you. I will be waiting for you in my quarters.

Andrei"