Episode 13-Nefarious Sloth (11)

(So how am I going to bust through this Heart of Darkness? Fraggy? Any ideas?)

[No pe. I sh ow ed t he way. It 's all up to y ou no w.]

(Crap.)

I need to think fast. What am I good at it?

(...)

Okay, not a lot. I only got so far because of the help from TWSA's author, Fraggy, and my extra knowledge of this story. In retrospect, I'm very blessed. But blessings can only take you so far. There has to be something that allowed me to utilize what's been given, but what is it?

(Think. Think. What are my talents?)

I kept my hand on the Heart of Darkness (I guess we're calling it that), trying to think of a solution. I looked back on my life, and I didn't need a 4th Wall Fragment to do it . I... wasn't the coolest guy.

Wasn't into sports, wasn't into studying. I didn't have immense networks or connections. I just knew people, and some of them weren't even real. The only thing I knew for sure were the stories I read, and the bed I laid on while doing so.

(Reading. Understanding. Absorbing the information that's been given. That's it.)

If I could read this situation and understand it, then I could power through it. By understanding Marcus, I could reach him.

My hand clutched the Heart of Darkness's errant tendrils, and I felt their emotion. It was anxiety and fear, stemming from the need to hide and self-loathe.

With a resolute mind, I dug my arm deeper. I wouldn't succumb to this crap, 'cause that's what it was: bullshit.

(Pure shit that's been bogging us down.)

We all go through some tough - even traumatic - stuff. It affects us in different ways. How we react to it is valid. I think I lost that understanding in the First Scenario, when I judged others for being weaker than me.

Now I have to alleviate that burden. Now I have to absorb it into myself because it's my duty as the "reader" of this world. I knew how to do it.

(Fraggy. Help me understand and absorb this.)

No more words, just feeling. Not everything could be described. The Heart of Darkness parted even more, and I wedged my body halfway through. Negativity washed over me. Anger, resentment, you know, the usual. It was aimed at Marcus, the world, but strangely, no one else. Not even his brother. This emotional agony was weak in that regard, but stronger in others.

(A conundrum is what this is.)

[I'm sorry...]

[I'm sorry... sorry sorry sorry]

[It's my fault]

[All my fault fault all my fau-]

[I'm sorry]

[Why did I do it...?]

[Why why why why why]

Disembodied thoughts impacted my Wall Fragment. They were translated into tangible words, but I ignored them. I wanted to hear it from Marcus's mouth. I wasn't going to have a one-sided conversation where I only listened.

This world came alive. I can interact with it. Like hell I'm going to pass up the chance to talk with the people I've read and knew for so long.

(Screw hiding.)

The tendrils that touched my arm were recoiling, but grew fainter as they did. My Fragment of the 4th Wall was eating them away.

I punched again and again, absorbing and understanding more of his turmoil. I remembered George, the young soldier who would've died if he remained alone. His isolation would've killed him, and the same was happening to Marcus.

All the good within Marcus would be killed off until resentment remained. He would be a shell of himself, and if he was used as a tool to be discarded, he would suffer two deaths.

(I can stop it.)

I had to stop it. I knew that I could. I understood because I've been through it before. The person I was before the System Introduction and the person I am now are two different people. I made myself into a monster to survive this world.

I made a decision. There would only be one. No one else should share this burden.

(So Marcus...)

I clutched another mass of sorrow. By using my sensory power, I knew what it wanted: an end to all the pain.

"It's okay."

I absorbed it. The Heart of Darkness began to dissipate. That was the last of it. Through the murky mist, I saw a small form.

"So you can talk to me, alright?"

The small form shifted. Marcus was curled up in a ball like a little kid, and he raised his head to look at me. The tears in his eyes were still there. I approached and said-

"Mind if I sit here?"

***

Marcus was unresponsive, so I silently sat next to him. I emulated the way he was sitting, so now both of us looked like we were about to roll away like soccer balls.

"What did you do?"

That was Marcus's icebreaker. I didn't understand his question, so I hit him with my own.

"What do you think I did?"

He was silent for a moment but said, "It's gone..."

"What is?"

"The weight in my chest. And in my head."

A realization hit me. Marcus felt that way too? Like something was oppressing his very being, physically and mentally? I know he had a hard life, but to hear how it affected his being...

I pondered on what to say.

"I think... I just cut away all the pain you felt. All the pain you didn't need, the stuff that held you back."

(I can't say I absorbed it. That an unknown Fragment ate it.)

"Oh."

"Do you feel better now?"

Marcus shifted around uncomfortably and said, "I don't know. It's always been there. It's kinda gone, but now..."

"There's a void, right? In its place?"

"Yeah," he said while nodding.

"I think that's a good thing. Sometimes we need a little emptiness. Something needs to be gone in order for something new to come in."

Marcus didn't respond. He sat there, pondering my words. Well, I hope. It wasn't after a long moment did he say something again. 

"What now? What do I do now?"

"Well... ever-present issues aside, like the scenarios, some crazy dudes, me being one of them, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do. But why aren't you saying it?"

Marcus shifted around again, as if the very thought of what he was going to say made him uncomfortable.

"I don't think I deserve it. After everything I did. I don't want to think about it. Anything else beyond what's here now."

"Why? Do you think it's your fault?"

Marcus nodded meekly. Like a little kid. Of course he thought it was his fault. No one ever told him it wasn't. Everyone that was good in his life had left him. He was left with nothing but misery in the form of people, only reaffirming the negative parts of his existence.

"You know, I felt the same. Sometimes my mother would try to change my way of thinking..."

I thought about my mother. The woman I abandoned in the First Scenario. Why did the memory of her feel so far away? I continued speaking...

"Saying stuff like 'You deserve good things,' and 'be open to positivity.' I never listened."

Marcus finally looked at me. Some of his tears were gone now.

"Why? Why didn't you?"

He was curious. Using his sleeve, he was wiping his tears away, listening to me. To my story. I looked away. I picked at my nails. It was an uncomfortable topic for me; my childhood. My memories of my mother were farther away, but it didn't mean they weren't powerful.

"It wasn't in the mental cards for me. I shut it all out. I was too caught up in my anger and resentment to think about anything else. I don't think I'm too different now."

Marcus was silent.

"But... after a bit," I continued, "I did change. Some of the bullshit in my life lessened. Just long enough for me to enjoy things for a small moment."

"Like what?"

(Is he asking me about my interests, or the problems I faced?)

"Well, I got into anime. Read stories like webnovels and light novels from different countries. Got into manga too. I felt... different. I had new goals. I wanted to visit countries like Japan and Korea... uh, the south one, not the north one. I also played games," I added, "one of them being called Blasphemous. That one made me want to go to Spain."

Marcus was still listening. He was paying attention to my words. It was a little unnerving, having someone listen to me so attentively, but I realized what I said right now would be very important to him. I inhaled.

"What I realized what I needed and wanted most was a 'change.' Plain and simple. I needed to get out of the drudgery of my life, and I needed... not an 'escape.' Imagining good things like a better life isn't an escape, per se. What I really wanted... what I'm talking about..."

(Dammit, Ethan, think and talk coherently.)

"I wanted a new avenue. A new path for my existence. Changing my way of thinking helped with that, and opened the idea of it to me. In those moments where I tried to change and envision something new for myself, that's when I felt happy."

I left it like that. Now it was Marcus's turn to say something. I didn't know what else to say.

"What did you do? To change?" He asked.

Goddamnit, it seems like I'll need to say more.

"Well... I downloaded Duolingo. It's this little bird app that stalks you and tries to hold you hostage so you'll learn the languages it can teach on the app. Like a crazy girlfriend, y'know?"

"Never had one," Marcus deadpanned.

"Right, uh... Welp, like the weeb I am, I tried to learn Japanese. I planned to learn Japanese, and then Korean, and then Chinese, and then other things that caught my interest, but well... kinda lost interest. Stress came back. School responsibilities too."

"So you stopped?"

"Well... yeah. My dreams weren't strong enough in the end. I grew tired. They didn't feel as real anymore because all the pain of my life felt stronger."

"Oh."

[Wh ere is th is st ory go ing?]

(Shush, Fraggy, not right now.)

That last bit sounded so... defeated. Where was the hope in that? Why did I say that? Where was the lesson? The takeaway? Did I really change? For the better to survive the System, or was I still the miserable kid from before? Would I have been a different survivor if I kept hope and goodwill in my heart, like the old me who wanted to learn different languages and cultures?

(Shit...)

I didn't know how change. It felt too hard. What the hell do I do with myself? How could I change? The only times I did anything nice was when...

(I saved George. Helped William and Eddie free themselves from that cult group. Ended up saving Elijah, someone who was used and could've been caught in the crossfire.)

Did I change and help for the sake of other people? I see.

"Marcus," I said. "The reason I couldn't change was due to one fact: I was alone. People are weird. We, like, reflect and bounce off of each other, sometimes for the better or for the worse. But inevitably, that'll cause a change we'll need, and with that catalyst, we'll become different."

I stood up. It was time to move. I needed to pry the final nail from this coffin and release him.

"It means the type of people we surround ourselves with will change us. So, Marcus," I held out my hand to him. "Let's find some good people."

Slowly, Marcus took my hand and began to stand up. I wanted to leave this conversation like this, but I always needed to add a little clause. What's a deal without fine print? I smiled sadly.

"I'll save them, and you can befriend them. That'll be the deal."

Marcus looked down at me in mild surprise, unsure of my words, but then a scary thought entered my head.

[(Fall of time.)]

The world began to fade into black. It felt peculiar. Like somehow I gained control of Marcus's inner world. Did I do it because I have a Fragment, and Marcus is technically a "character?" Because I understood him? Because he finally trusted me? 

(I'm just waking him up.)

That's all it was. Nothing else. The darkness was rising up around us, and I felt a little anxiety. I needed to reaffirm something.

(I am a "reader." I cannot change nor control the characters. No...)

I looked at Marcus's face, which was growing more peaceful as the darkness began to engulf him. It seemed like he knew what was happening: the loss of his painful inner world would release him into a new one. The dark times surrounding him would fall away.

The people I knew... I couldn't control them. Instead, they'd take me on a journey that'd change me - hopefully - for the better. That's my life as a reader of this world.