No Will Of Our Own
When I wake up, I forget where I am for a second, and then after turning over to see that some of the food I left out for the girl had been eaten and the nightlight is off, I remember everything.
The fact that everything rushes back into my head in an instant makes me feel slightly anxious, confused as for how I should best interpret the situation.
However, I decide to not give it much thought and freshen up for the day at least.
I turn to the clock on the wall, and notice that it says that it's 6AM.
Although the sun is up, since school won't start until 8:30, I woke up a little early.
'Must be because I went to sleep right away.', I think to myself.
With the free time I have, I decide that there isn't anything really important that needs to be done on my end, so I may as well enjoy myself for the next couple of hours.
The first thing I do is get out of bed and clear the floor of the girl's dish.
'…she barely touched it.'
I quietly put the food into the bottomless bin, which converts matter into renewable energy.
It then gives me an option to select what type of energy I would like to convert it to.
I go through the options and select "Life energy" as usual, since food was once a living organism, and my philosophy is that a spirit should have a second chance of living in the physical world again.
Once the life energy is secreted from the bin into somewhere in the universe, not exactly sure where, I then head to the bathroom to wash up.
I grab my new school uniform that is still in my luggage and place them on hooks next to my towel.
Once I begin to undress myself, I notice how strange it is for me to be naked in a place I'm not used to, and then start thinking about how the girl is still in that wardrobe.
Instead of getting shy, I'm too uncertain about the situation to actually have any feelings about it, and my tendency of undermining everything as a cliché has lead me to not being as reactive as I used to.
…
[Author Note: It's actually bad not having emotional associations towards things, since even under an embarrassing circumstance, one doesn't feel embarrassed, and that's no normal.
Our protagonist definitely needs hurry up and decide what things matter to him, because if nothing matters, how could he possibly do anything that he wants - which is the basic requirement of a main character.
After all, you can't do what you want if you don't want anything, and wants are based in emotion.
He is dead inside, because he thinks too much.]
…
I decide that during this quick shower, I will try to focus on what exactly my heart wants, out of this unique set of circumstances, rather than be purely logical.
'I don't have any particular objective after all, so there's no way in hell I could actually do something that really matters just yet.', I analyse.
As I have my shower, I then think about the sad face of the girl, and how genuinely upset she was, '… Strange, I can't seem to emphasise with her…? I wonder why? What's wrong with me??'
"Never count on me.", a man's voice rings in my head. It sounds familiar, but I don't remember where it's from.
"I'm not waiting for you to come back.", the cold tone of a woman's voice.
"I want to be like you.", a shaky voice of a younger man.
"Let go!", a voice of a raging man.
"Just hold onto me.", a soothing voice of a woman.
"It's a lie.", the same familiar voice from the start.
All of these voices echo in my head, and I have no idea where they come from.
My head begins to throb, and my heart feels like it's on fire.
'Do I have a fever?', that's what it feels like, but far from the case.
"WHATEVER IT TAKES!!", finally, these final words riddled with a sense of despair sends a shiver down my spine.
*trickle trickle trickle*, there is nothing left to hear by the sound of the shower and the beating of my heart and my batted breath.
I'm silent on the inside at long last, my mind isn't reckoning and calculating, but what the heck was all that about?!
Whatever it was, I don't think I can think straight, and that lingering sense of despair tightens my chest.
I feel like I'm about to cry, which is rare, and I feel like there is something important I must do.
Something inside of me is pulling me out of the shower, and I quickly get dried and dressed.
I don't know what I have to do, but I have to do something, and fast.
Why am I in a rush? There's nothing in my life that I'm even committed to.
"LET GO OF EVERYTHING!!", the voice of the raging man returns.
I freeze after opening the bathroom door, and try to calm myself.
With this moment of slight clarity, I try to figure out what is happening to me as I open the door,
'Are these the voices of things in my past lives that this body of mine can still remember? Is the familiar voice myself, or is it someone else? If I had a life before and the people in those lives also hit rest, shouldn't I reunite with them? What if I didn't have anyone all these years? No, that can't be, where else did these voices come from? Wait, this is all just speculation, I can't be for sure that my first theory is the fact of reality, I need to calm down- Wait, is calming down preventing me from making the most of this rush? What does that even matter actually? Being productive without actually having something to fight for is meaningless… What did I need to do again?', the more I think in circles, the less I am able to control my anxiety.
My batted breathe seems to have been loud enough to wake up the girl in the wardrobe, and her curiosity has gotten her to finally open a crack to peak through the doors and see me.
I notice this of course, but that isn't my concern right now.
This is a completely different narrative to what was going on yesterday, and I have no idea which of these two realities I'm supposed to be apart of.
Am I to take on the responsibilities of what's around me, or obsess over the potential future that is being influenced by… God knows what this is.
…
Suddenly, the girl busts through the wardrobe in my panic attack, at least I think it's a panic attack, and she walks over to me while stretching out her hand as though she has no will of her own.
Her wings frail out and she places her left thumb in between my eyebrows.
And the next thing I knew, my eyes suddenly rolled back from the pressure, and I think I collapsed soon after.