Vulnerability

Niiganii and Clint are foraging for nuts, mushrooms and wild plants in the woods nearby. She picks up a mushroom, "See this one good. See this one?" She showed the mushroom to Clint.

"Wow, that one looks so pretty. The red color on that thing is exquisite." he exclaimed.

"NO! You eat this and you die. See red with white circles, no eat."

"You mean, 'don't eat the red ones with white specks on top' GOT IT." Clint nods. "Grandma, what will happen after you find your family? I mean, what if you find your family, but we don't find Lady Sereen…what if these people decide to…" he glances around and then whispers to Niiganii, "...what if they decided to hurt your family?"

Niiganii's eyes widen and she contemplates her situation.

"How about this? When we get closer to your family, you should make a run for it. I will help you. I don't want any harm done to you or your family, grandma."

Suddenly, some branches and leaves ruffled at a nearby bush. "Shh." Clint shushed Niiganii. "Someone is here." Clint grabs hold of his seax and snuck over to the bushel of leaves and swung his seax down, splitting the bushel in half. On the other end of his seax was a hare. "Well, looks like we've got your fresh meat for supper."

After eating a nice rabbit stew with all the herbs and wild plants they had foraged today, Clint and Niiganii sit to talk in her hut.

"Why you name me grandma?" she asked him.

"Because, you look like one." he smirked.

"Kint, you are dearest." she pats his head. "But me…I am older than grandma. I am 100 years more old." she tells Clint. Clint's eyes widened.

"No way you're more than 100 years old, grandma. Everyone knows how rare it is to even live past 50." They both laugh.

After a little while, Clint turns to Niiganii and begins to tell his life story.

"You remind me of my grandma. She was a personal maid and was given a more luxurious life than most. My ma was a whore in a brothel and my pa… well, no one knew who he was because she was a whore. Anyways, I lived with grandma and she loved me. She never deprived me of her love. Then one day, her master moved away and she couldn't take me with her. I ended up in the slums of London. But I'm a sneaky little bloke, you see and I was able to survive by stealing my way around. Pane found me and recruited me years ago. I've been with them since."

Niiganii pats his head again, "You are good boy."

*

It's been over a week since the ritual. I have been working on filtering out my visions and spiritual encounters. I'm getting better at it, but the aggressive ones still get through sometimes. I, also, haven't seen or heard anything from Jerell, but I can't help but sense he is out there, watching me.

At night, when Giken I lay together as one, I can't help to feel that it keeps getting more and more intense. Our yearning for each other never ceases to stop in the night, but during the day it is like we are strangers. I felt as if he is embarrassed to be seen around with me." I shake off my bad thoughts.

"Alright, meditate Sereen. Let your mind carry you to find calm." I said to myself and closed my eyes in meditation.

My visions bring me to the cloak on Jerell. He is climbing a rope and making his way to a campsite. It's the same riverbank that I was in while fetching water for Lei, but it's different. There are wooden homes built all around and people, lots of them. I zoom in into Jerell, he's drawing a map marking our location. Now, he is consulting with a few other men and then there is Pane.

Behind Pane was a small little hut. I am being drawn to it. I entered. I see Niiganii! She turns to gaze at me as if she could actually see me.

"Sereen?" Niiganii murmered my name.

Her hand reached for me, but just then Clint popped out from behind Niiganii and he transformed into Bjork. His hands are now clenching my throat and strangling me.

"Help…help…" I struggle to push the words out. Lurking from behind Bjork, I see a few slim fog-like figures. They lunge at the both of us and I gasp opening my eyes and breaking out of my meditation.

What in the bloody hell was that? Who were those things? What were those things? For some odd reason, I didn't feel threatened by them, whatever they were. Instead, I felt grateful and most appreciative that they helped me break free.

"Wah, they are very strong." Wawa exclaimed from behind me. "Those are your personal spirit guides. It looks like you've managed to organize things in your head, enough to single them out from the clutter."

I look around the hut and realized that I was still at Wawa's hut, learning to calm my mind. "Spirit guides?" I asked Wawa.

"Yes. I can't see my own, but they whisper to me. You, on the other hand, your spirit guides are so strong, I can almost see them…more like their presence are overwhelming."

"What are they supposed to do?"

"Many things, but their main role is to protect you, guide you, and at times use your body as a vessel when you need their help, physically. They can't harm others, only spirits, souls, demons…non physical things like entities.?"

I stare at Wawa as I soak in all this new information.

"Don't worry," Wawa said reassuringly, "eventually, you'll get it. It takes time." We paused in silence for a little bit and then Wawa asked me the question that we had both been avoiding. "What did you see that was so horrible? Usually, spirit guides don't let out that much energy unless threatened."

"Bjork." his stupid name slipped off my lips and I am disgusted by it.

"Bjork?" What's that?" she asked.

"Bjork is the coward that tried to… he tried to…" I choke on my words and tears start to form in my eyes. "He hurt me!" I was finally able to say after so many weeks had gone by since the assault.

"I have been unable to say anything to anyone, not even to Giken. I feel so dirty and tainted by him and his touch. My every thought of what he did and could have done to me…" my voice now screeching, "makes me so disgusted by him! Makes me disgusted with myself! He haunts my dreams and my self confidence. I can't help but question my every move without the fear that he might pop out somewhere to hurt me."

Just then, the fur blanket next to Wawa begins to move around and Giken sits up to look at me. My heart drops to the floor.

(Oh no. He's never going to love me now that he knows I've been tainted. This baggage of disgusting feelings that I drag around with me… he will NEVER be able to love this about me.)

I stare at Giken while sobbing, my arms wrapped tightly on top of each other, embracing myself. His expression is one of dismay.

(He probably hates me now that he knows I ran away from my own people. He wedded me and I never told him, but instead I told Wawa. I showed Wawa my vulnerability.)

Giken walks towards me slowly and lifts his hand.

(I deserve to feel his wrath. I have stolen his life because of our fate and I never even told him about me.)

I close my eyes and brace myself for a slap, but it never comes. Then his arms encased me into a warm embrace. I gasped in shock and looked up at him.

Drip~ Drip~

The tears on his face released little droplets splattering onto my forehead and cheek. He's crying.

"You kept all of these horrible things to yourself all this time?" he said slowly, struggling against his shaking voice to get the words out.

"Why didn't you share the burden with me?" he asked, holding me even tighter. "Why hold on to so much pain, suffering and fear? I can help you. I can protect you. Niin zaagi'neta".

His words to me blur as it becomes the tipping point for me and I let out a loud, painful cry. I cried for everything.

I cried for my mother.

I cried for being a slave.

I cried for being sold like an animal.

I cried for feeling forced into a relationship I didn't want.

I cried for having to ever feel vulnerable to an extent where I felt little and incapable. That I allowed a person to make me feel defenseless, vulnerable and worthless.

(BUT THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME WILL ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL THAT WAY.)

*

"Grandma?" Clint called out to Niiganii. One minute they were conversing and the next minute her whole demeanor changed as if she had seen a ghost. She whipped her head to the left, glaring at the door as if something or someone was there. Then she reached out a hand and her voice became raspy, full of air then she let out one word, Sereen's name.

"Grandma!" Clint grabs hold of Niiganii's shoulders and shakes her hard. "Grandma!" He yelled. "GRANDMA!!"

Niiganii gasped for air and glared at Clint.

She starts to mumble in her native tongue, speaking very very fast. Clint steps back in confusion. "Grandma, what happened?" he asked again, but Niiganii continued mumbling. An expression of shock, anger and then sadness is emitted from her face as she grows quiet.

"Grandma?" Clint called out, one last time in an almost whisper.

"Someone has been chosen… but I am not even dead… I AM NOT DEAD!" she yelled.

"You are very much alive, grandma." Clint responded to Niiganii in confusion.

"This not right. I must go! When can I go, Kint, when can I go? Must go back to Ma'iingan. Must fix." Niiganii declared.

"Wait, wait, wait…hold on." Clint tried to calm Niiganii down. "Grandma, first you need to breathe and calm yourself then we can talk about leaving.

"No, I go NOW! Must be now!" Niiganii darts out of her huts, Clint hot on her tail. She stealthily looked around and no one was paying attention, she sprinted into the forest and disappeared.

And for a second, Clint swore he saw a giant tail wagging behind Niiganii.