Chapter 8: Mae Kazimi

Last night was the night I almost shat my pants and dug my grave with my own hands.

My own bare hands.

Alek freaking Russo followed me all the way to the Crimson Bar and I didn't even know? What the hell?

Ever since I've run into Alek, my mind has been off. I've been thinking more about him than I've been focusing on myself. And it's driving me insane.

INSANE.

"Are you listening?" It's Alek Russo again, and I think I've finally reached the point where I am so utterly sick of him and his stupid voice that I'll shoot myself with my own gun.

"Will you shut up for five seconds?" I snap, rubbing my pounding head with my index and thumb. "I just woke up ten minutes ago after you practically broke down my door!"

"Yeah well, we have a mole to catch and the faster we catch the mole, the faster I get to get rid of you so, once again, are you listening to what I've been saying this past six minutes and twenty seconds?"

I want to rip out his eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.

"Yes, something about the mole's correspondent and a party."

Alek and I sit in his office. Apparently, Alek's office is attached to his bedroom, which by the way, takes up half of the third floor which is the floor I also happen to be in. His office is nothing like his fathers. It's full of bookshelf after bookshelf filled with books of all sizes and colours. It's warm with a couch and a soft rug. His table is so neat, a computer in the center and a cup of steaming coffee on the left.

And there, on the chair, sits the annoying piece of shit himself, glaring at me.

He's the only piece of decoration in the room that belongs in the trash.

As if reading my thoughts, a scowl replaces his pursed lips, "What I was actually saying, is that I've gotten a message from one of my men talking about the mole's correspondent who will be also attending a party of a friend of mine. And we both are attending."

"A party?" I groan and bring my head down hard onto his table to bang it a couple times. "A freaking party?"

"This is why your parents left you in a dumpster, Mae."

"And this is why everyone likes Lorenzo better than you," I snap, leaning back.

Alek shrugs, as if it doesn't bother him, "The younger sibling usually gets the most attention. But I can't say you know what I mean because you've never even met your brother."

Okay, I see. This is what we're doing. Fine then. I'll play along.

"Well it's a good thing I don't want to meet him or my parents," I say smoothly, crossing my right leg over my left. "I mean, at least we both can say our mothers are dead to us, except yours is really dead while mines….well...she's dead to me."

This does not seem to faze Alek either and he simply takes a long sip of his coffee, "You would thrive in the Russo Mansion basement, Kazimi."

I don't know whether he means I'd thrive as a torturer or….as the person getting tortured.

I don't want to know.

"I'd love to see this famous basement," I shoot back.

"Oh you will," this time, there's a dangerous glint to his eyes when he looks at me. "And quite soon. In fact, after this party, we both will be paying it a visit."

"We will?"

"Unless you can't handle all the blood of course," he shrugs. "Perhaps this is the reason your parents tossed you out."

He's really starting to get on my nerves.

"Oh don't act all high and mighty, Russo. I bleed from my vagina every month, a little bit of blood has got nothing on me."

This makes Alek's face pale and he sets down his coffee with a slight thud. Without replying, he turns to the door and calls, "Guardie! Prepara la macchina! (Guards, prepare the car!)"

I can't help but relax in the chair across from him in triumph.

"Meetings over, Kazimi, get out of my office," Alek says suddenly, bored eyes traveling down the length of my body from where I sit. "I'm sick and tired of your face."

Excuse me?

"Yes, Master, I am your most humble servant and I will do as you please," I mutter. I don't have the energy to fight with him and the pounding in my head just got ten times worse.

I stomp out of his office and slam his office door behind me. My head is like a thundering drum and I barely make it back to my bedroom.

"Signorina, are you alright?" one of the guards asks me.

I grit my teeth as I unlock my door, "Shut up."

And slam the door in his face.

_______________________

It's been three hours since I've locked my bedroom door and refused to open it, forcing Alek to leave for the party himself.

I am tired and I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from slitting his throat If I had tagged a long. Lucky for me, Lorenzo volunteered and after cursing me in all the possible cuss words in every single language that could possibly exist, Alek left me alone in my bedroom to sulk.

I turn to the diary in my hands, and flip to a new page. Picking up my pencil from somewhere amidst the bedsheets, I twirl it in between my fingers.

Writing letters to my family is something I do often. I know it's stupid and naive, and if someone ever discovered this, they'd laugh themselves silly.

But….it's something I do when I'm unsure of where life is taking me. When I lose control over my life and have no idea what to do.

Dear mother, father and Khadir.

It's 5:25 PM and I've locked myself inside my room in the Russo Mansion. It's cold and I've wrapped myself into my blanket that I brought from home because I couldn't help myself. I'd never be able to sleep without it if I hadn't.

Anyways, it's awfully lonely here. Last I heard, Hale had trashed his office and Avery had moved in with Rashid. Kai is still at the worn out fighting arena.

And I'm stuck.

Stuck in the mafia.

Hale was right, like he always is. Once you're in the mafia, there's no getting out. A part of me thought that I could do anything, and taking down my HIT was one of them.

Look, I don't know why you both left me in the dumpster nineteen years ago and never looked back, but if you had the chance, would you take it back? Would you hug me as if I was your daughter and tell me you love me?

Would you?

I've never felt like I belong anywhere, and I guess that's what happens when you're stuck in the center of two worlds. It's hard playing Mae Kazimi and Shadow at the same time and sometimes I wish I only had one role to play.

But it's too late. I'm far too into this world of mafia and I've ventured way too far into the darkness.

There's no one to pull me out.

I've accepted the darkness. I have still yet to accept the loneliness, I think, but soon enough, I'll accept that too.

But I can't help but think, what if in another world, I had a happy family? A loving mother and father and a younger brother? What if, in another universe, Alek and I were friends and the world of mafia did not exist in our lives?

What would life be like then?

Hale says it's bad to think of the 'what ifs' because they usually lead to something bad. I've never believed him and his superstitions but something about this one is making me feel uneasy.

And feelings. How I hate feelings! Sometimes when I'm feeling too much, I want to feel nothing at all. But when I feel empty, there's nothing more that I want to just feel something.

Anything.

If there's one thing that I've learned, then it's that the world is cruel. It's brutal in the most hurtful ways and its savage rules break even the strongest warriors.

And I am no warrior.

I may be Shadow, but I'm still just a nineteen year old girl. A girl who has wants and needs. A girl who longs for so many untouchable things. A girl who is tired of the loneliness and the vast everlasting darkness.

And I wish someone was waiting for me on the other side.

But it's alright. It's okay. Everything will be fine.

I hope you are all well.

Mae.

I put down my pencil and stare emptily at my diary. There are some days when nothing comes out when I try to write about my feelings. Other days, so much emotion and hurt erupts onto the pages that it's hard to keep up.

It seems like today is one of those days.

Someone bangs loudly on my door.

"Kazimi!" It's Alek, and he sounds angry. "Get out here!"

I rub my face tiredly before slipping my diary away under lock and key. As I make my way to my door, I flick all the lights open and unlock the door.

"What do you….oh."

Alek stands before me, hair wet on his forehead and blood all over his clothes. His face….oh my god….his face. His black demon eyes are narrowed on me and his sharp jawline is dripping water. His lips are in a thin line, specks of blood on his pale face.

He looks beautiful even in all those wounds.

"Are you done staring?" he asks in a low voice.

I open and close my mouth, and lamely say, "It's um, raining outside."

"Thank you for this unnecessary observation. Is there anything else you'd like to add before you finally put yourself to use?"

"Your nose is bleeding," I say before I can stop myself. "Again."

He blinks.

Before I can make a fool of myself further, I straighten and clear my throat, "Did you catch the correspondent?"

"I did more than that," he smirks. And I'm taken back from the sincerity in it. "I've caught another man who seems to have connections with the mole. We have two sources in our hands."

"Okay."

He unashamedly eyes my body from top to bottom before adding, "You might want to change."

"And why's that?"

With a dark grin that sets me on an edge, he shakes wet hair out of his face and says, "Because we're going to the basement."