Fear of pain

Irina.

"In the Name of God, merciful Father, we entrust the body of Elliot Flores to the peace of the grave. From the dust you came to the dust, you will return. Jesus Christ is the resurrection and the life. Lord God, our heavenly Father, Lord God, the Son and Savior of the world, Lord God, the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. At the moment of death, and on the last day, save us, Lord God, compassionate and merciful" the words of the priest resound in the deep silence generated around Elliot's grave. December 27th, it's been three days since his death. There are no words to describe the hell we've been through these last few days, it's impossible to describe the suffering on the faces of everyone here.

We find ourselves at Wolfach's cemetery, at Elliot's funeral. The cemetery is totally deserted, we are less than 10 people present here. My family, Mrs. Flores, and a priest. No family member of Elena, other than her mother, lives in Germany. She is originally from Venezuela, but most of her relatives are in other countries, mainly in Spain, Argentina, and the United States of America. That's why I think the same thing happened to Elliot. Surely the reason no family member has come to his funeral is that they do not live in Germany. With all this, the important thing is that we are here. If before Irineu barely spoke because Elliot was hospitalized, now that he is dead, it seems that he has died too.

"Our sincerest condolences" that's how we've said goodbye to Mrs. Josefina. Normally a banquet would have been held in honor of Elliot, but no one has the strength and desire to do so, not even his mother. Surely what she wants most now is to go home and rest, like everyone else, although it is impossible for us to calm down. Since that day I see it all gray, we're all dressed in black, no one smiles anymore, the urge to move on has died along with Elliot.

Every night I go to sleep thinking about how sad my life is, in all the dimensions that I have been, I have always suffered. In my world I am a depressive, in the other world I have been murdered for no reason whatsoever, besides that Elena has died in that dimension too and Ludwig has been murdered. And in this world Irineu losses his best friend. God, it seems like my destiny is to always suffer, regardless of the dimension I'm in.

The days fly by, but our pain is still there. Today is December 31, the last day of the year. Mom was the first to try to put Elliot's death behind her.

"As a psychologist, I know that staying stuck on the same page is useless. We all feel bad for Irineu and Mrs. Josefina because they lost Elliot, but we need to put the past behind us. Is it worth it to lament every day of our existence for the loss of a loved one? No, nothing will be solved, we must move on. Life is full of suffering, but it is not eternal suffering, pain is temporary, just like happiness. That's why we should enjoy what we have because nothing lasts forever. So please, I beg you, spend time with the people you love the most now, because maybe tomorrow you won't be able to"

Her words are inspiring, but the wounds don't heal so quickly, they take a long time to heal. But I'll try, honestly, I've perceived Elliot's death as Elena's death, which is why I'm so upset, although I also feel bad for everyone who loved Elliot.

We are all at the table in the living room, eating. It is 1.30 pm. After my mother's talk, we were all silent, but it was a thoughtful silence. None of us were looking at each other's faces, we all had our eyes fixed on the bowl of soup in front of us. I'm starting to get dizzy and a lot of flashbacks go through my mind.

"Get out of the house now!" I heard screams, however, it was all in my head.

"You are my worst mistake!" I can't get these screams out of my head. They are accompanied by images, specifical scenes of an argument between mother and daughter. I have no idea why I'm seeing and hearing these things. I can perceive how the mother hits her daughter, the next thing I see is darkness.

"Brigitte" I hear my father's voice. I'm no longer sitting at the table, I'm lying on the couch. Everyone is around me, with worried faces. I get up and open my eyes widely.

"Are you all right? You passed out in the middle of lunch," my father tells me. "I think it would be better to take you to the hospital, you don't look good," adds my mother.

"I'm fine," I get to say. "I'm just feeling dizzy," I add, holding a hand to my forehead to rub it.

"Do you want to go outside for fresh air?" my mother suggests, the worry has not yet left her face. I nod, slowly moving my head. She asks Irineu to accompany me, because it is better not to leave me alone.

As soon as I leave the house I feel the cold air filling my lungs, I think it's one of the best sensations when you get dizzy. Irineu stands to my right and we start walking. For the first 5 minutes, we remain silent, but then he decides to create conversation.

"Are you feeling better now?" he asks.

"Much better," I replied, smiling and somewhat relieved. He smiled, too. "What about you?" I ask him too, I'm concerned about his mental health after his best friend's death.

"On average a person can tell 200 lies a day, but this time I'm not going to lie, if I told you that I'm okay, it would be the two hundred one" he answers hurt, I understand him perfectly, I also used to say that I'm okay when I was clearly not.

"Don't worry it's normal for you to be like this, but the pain is temporary, your mother has said it" the worst of it is that I don't believe it myself. The pain is temporary, but who knows how long it lasts, it could last perfectly 30 years, or even 50.

"Temporary... How long is that? Because it could be perfectly half my life," he replies somewhat indignantly. I knew I wasn't going to comfort him, after all, we're the same person, we have the same thoughts.

We keep walking. We have no idea where we're going, but we don't stop. Furthermore, we are already near the outskirts of town, I do not know why but apparently all the roads lead me to the road where I disappeared, it seems inevitable. I don't want to remember anything that happened on that road, all the memories that connect me to it, I wish I could forget them all, but whatever I do, it's always going to be there to remind me that I'm lost.

I am very focused on my thoughts, but the sound of a body colliding with the ground makes me return to reality. This is Irineu, he has slipped with the ice that has been generated on part of the road surface, and he has fallen to the ground. I decide to help him, so I stretch my hands toward him to grab his. As I start to pull his hands up, the sleeves of his coat rise a bit, causing part of his arm to be exposed. What I see puzzles me, I am mesmerized by what's on his arm. It is full of scratches, very long scratches, I can see that they are recent as the blood has dried not long ago. I hold his hand, to bring him closer to me, through this movement he also approaches me. I begin to gently touch his wounds, they are not caused by a cat, but by himself. I know because I used to do that too, when I felt bad emotionally and when I had a lot of anxiety.

"Irineu..." I feel pain, pain because I know he's having a really hard time because I want to help him, but I don't know how.

He lets go of his hand and pulls down his sleeve, now his arm is covered again. We stand in front of each other. I have my gaze fixed on his face, but he looks down. I think he's upset, or maybe uncomfortable.

In the face of what I just saw, I decided to do something risky. I also lift my sleeve, unlike him, I only have a mark on my arm, but it's a 2-year-old scar.

"I did it 2 years ago, compared to the others, this one I did it with more force, the glass went deep inside" I stop looking at my wound to now look at him in the eyes. "The pain didn't go away, you can't numb the pain with more pain" he stares at me surprised. I think I did the right thing by showing it to him, maybe it will keep him from doing it. He stares at my arm for a few seconds, saying nothing.

"How do you remember?" he asks me a little astonished. I didn't realize I just revealed an event from a near past, I supposedly have amnesia.

"I keep dreaming it at night, that scene doesn't want to leave my head," I tell him, I sound very calm, I try to be convincing. Irineu nods slowly.

"I know it hurts your death and I understand you perfectly, but don't hurt yourself like that. You make it worse, you make the pain not to cease" for every word I say, comes to my mind the image of that time I did the worst of my cuts.

"I can't Brigitte, it's just impossible for me. He was my only and best friend, he was a brother to me, he made the pain not so strong. Now he's gone, I'm left alone" his voice cracks in the last words, he grabs me in his arms crying, and we hug. I miss a tear too.

"You're not alone, I'm here and if I can do anything to make you feel better, tell me," I tell him as I rub his back to comfort him. He stops leaning on my shoulder, he brings his head in front of mine. Now he rests his forehead against mine.

"Thanks, Brigitte," he says, still crying. I bring my hands to his cheeks, possibly a mistake on my part. Because in an instant his lips were stuck to mine. It was very fast, I didn't have time to react.

I start to hear some twigs in the woods and these get my attention. I separate my lips from Irineu's abruptly, looking around to see where the crunches actually come from.

From the forest appears a short figure with white hair, seeing it more clearly I realize who it is. It's the old woman who approached me in the house of the mirrors of the fair, a chill runs through my skin, I'm afraid. Seeing that she's heading towards us panicked me.

"Run!" I shout so that Irineu runs away with me. He looks at me confused for a few seconds and seeing the panic in my eyes he decides to listen to me.

We both run without looking back, we're not going to stop until we get to a safe zone, with lots of people. Halfway through I get tired, the truth is that physical education is not my strong point, nor that of Irineu, because he also seems tired. We managed to reach one of the main streets of the town, where many people pass through.

"What is it? Why did you say to run?" Irineu asks, trying to catch his breath.

"That lady was approaching us, I saw her a few days ago at the fair and she started telling me weird things. Seeing her again has given me a feeling of fear" I tell him, exhausted.

He looks at me stunned. "Which lady?" he asks.

"Haven't you seen her? She was short, gray hair, dressed all in black. It was impossible not to see her" Irineu keeps looking at me somewhat disoriented.

~

"5, ..., 4, ..., 3, ..., 2, ..., 1, ..." this can be heard on television. We are all home now. A few seconds before we move on to the new year. "Happy New Year!" we all started screaming and hugging each other. Because of Elliot's death, Mom has decided that New Year's Eve will be just the six of us. For one night we are all smiling, it is as if the suffering has temporarily disappeared. It is a tradition in my family that in the new year everyone should say what they expect from this new year.

"May this new year unite this family even more," my father says.

"May we stay alive," says Daniela.

"May we find happiness in the smallest things," my mother pronounces, looking at us all in particular for a few seconds.

"May our dreams come true" smiles Egora.

"May we be healthy," says Irineu.

As Irineu speaks, I keep thinking about what happened today, I'm disappointed with myself, I just kissed myself, but the opposite gender. In my life, I would have imagined something like this would happen. Irineu and I exchanged rather uncomfortable looks after he finished speaking, neither of us have forgotten that moment. Something that should never have happened.

"May this year put an end to our suffering," I conclude.