Chapter 1

Walking up the building, I can see it all now. I never knew I would be here. See what I have seen. I don't desire this for anyone but I guess that's where the good part lies. We don't choose what happens to us. We don't choose our fates and it only makes it more insane and inhuman to see and feel what I have

"Hi I'm Violet Hues, I'm here for my appointment with Mr Gram"I said softly. I'm tired, I have been tired for years now. Drained of everything I have had to offer. If they could see me now, they would laugh. I'm sure they would enjoy this. I know I am. Or am I?

"Oh Miss April Violet Hues?" She asked sweetly. Looking at her eyes they are soft and kind. The way mine use to be. I missed that. The way my eye would be gentle and bright full of life

"Yes, sorry, I'm not use to begin called April anymore" I explained. April. He was the first and last one to call me that

"No need to explain, Mr Gram is still with a patient just take a seat and he will see right after" she smiled. How sweet. She can still smile. I can't even grin anymore. All I want to do is cry, hide and die

"Okay thanks" I said and went down to take a seat. This will be the first time I admit it. This will be the second time I let my wall down and become naked. This is actually necessary. I need this so I know what to do with myself. What to move on to next and what to finials. The coffee table looks devine. I could break the glass and take a piece of it and stab myself with it. That could work but it would also cause complications and I still don't know it I'm worthy of it.

You can't even finish it. Your waiting to be judge when you already know I'm the only judgement you need

The sweet sound of misery.

"Miss Violet Hues?" I look up and see her again. I don't even know her name.

You didn't ask

She looks so pretty. Long beautiful lively brunette hair. Carmel spotless skin, smile pink lips with a bit of lip gloss with full cheeks and dark brown eyes. Lovely

Something you will never be

"I did get your name"I said as I walked her way.

"Lisa. It's okay you seen to have a lot on your mind" she smiles at me. Why are you smiling at me. I can't be spared. I shouldn't be spared

That's what I have been telling you. Get out of here. She won't help you

'You love to kill me'

You know what I live for

'kill me'

"Yes I'm sorry about that. Is Mr Gram available now" I asked her. She seems kind and genuine. Rare combination theses days

"Yes, right this way" she leads to the room" Have you been here before?"

"No first time"I answered quietly looking around the hall. There were paintings next to each door we passed

"Oh, you don't look nervous for a first timer" she laughs. I remember when I use to laugh.

Not anymore

"I don't believe in fearing something that could help or even guide you to your right path"  I say giving her small shrug.

"Wise and gorgeous" she laughs a little" why couldn't I have it all"

"I don't know" I tell her, I really don't know what she is saying. I'm anything but gorgeous. I'm not even wise. I know this because I know what to fear and this is nothing to fear.

"Here you go, this is you. I hope you have a good appointment and you solve what it is you came to solve" she smiled once more before leaving me in an office. Looking around there's two long white couches, a leather office chair, brown curtains, wooden floors calm spring yellow paint on the walls and beautiful plants and flowers in the corners of the office. The large glass table with files on top of it. Pens placed nicely and everything in order. Neat freak

"Miss April Hues, I'm Mr S.Gram please take a seat" he gestured to the white couch. I just nodded and moved to take a seat.

"Miss April what would you like to share today?"he asked as he sat on his leather chair after closing the door behind him.

"It's Violet Hues not April. No one calls me that" Anymore. I left that out. I don't wanna to be reminded. It hurts to think about that time

"Why? It's your first name if I'm not mistaken" he asked looking at the file on his lap. His grey eyes scanning through my file. It had absolutely nothing but my information that I had given a few days ago when I booked the appointment

"It is but, I just never liked it so no one ever called me that"I said looking at glass window. Today was warms and the sun was setting

"Why don't you like it"he ask taking his writing pad and pen in hand.

"That's not why I'm here"I said looking back at him. It's part of the reason not the whole reason

"Why are you here then miss Hues?" He asked amused. His amused. After what I have to say he won't be. No one will

"I'm here to see it I have a chance of life" I said crossing my legs

"What do you mean by a chance of life?" He asked while writing down his notes

"I mean do I still deserve to live after everything I have seen, everything I have experienced and be given a chance to see the future" I said looking down at my fingers.

"Are you having suicidal thoughts Miss Hues?"he asked looking at me up and down. I did say I want my judgement and I'm starting to feel my judgement will be fair

"It's not about me having suicidal thoughts or why I don't like to be called by my first name Mr Gram.  It's about more then that. Look at the bigger picture, would you?" I said looking back at the window

"What is the bigger picture then Miss Hues?"he asked. Seeing him through my side view I could see him writing more notes

"The bigger picture is I'm i worthy of a life, of a chance to live that life?"

"Everyone is worthy. You were born to live that life you are given" he answered. He seems positive. Why is he so positive, life doesn't give you the same things and everything that comes with each is different same goes for the outcome

"Are you sure doctor?"  I asked. How can someone be so positive and sure when he doesn't know anything

"Yes Miss Hues?" He looked at me suspiciously

"Please call me Violet" I said as I lean back into the couch and relaxed

"Violet"he tested my name. He seem uncomfortable. So was i

"I have a story to tell. A story that disturbs me to no end. My life story"I said when I looked at him I could see that I had finally won his undivided attention

"What story would that be Violet" he asked looking up from his writing pad. Therapists. Typically therapists

"Now doctor I will tell you my story if you promise to allow to come back if I choose to stay alive"I said quietly. I was pleading. If I do stay alive, I would still need this. I would need a way to continue and find the meaning of life again.

"Why would you die Violet?" He asked smiling at me. Why can't he see it. I'm already dead inside.

"Because of the verdict I still have to face" I said looking at him in the eye. That's when he saw that I wasn't kidding. My dark brown dull lifeless eyes had no glint, no life was in me

"Let me start at the very beginning, I was only..."