896. Chapter 896

After Child's Play

Episode 7.04

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Even if you sprinkle me with fairy dust, I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Richard the Scribe dipped his quill pen into the inkwell and began another page of his latest scroll. He lived in a large, but cozy, thatch roofed cottage on the outskirts of the Enchanted Forest. His mother, Martha, was of with her troupe of traveling players and his daughter, Alexis, was off getting an MFW, a Masters of Fine Wizardry. His lovely, brainy and courageous wife, Kate was a member of the Royal Mounted Police and was off patrolling the highways and byways of the Kingdom on the sturdy but none too bright gelded horse named Demming. Richard loved to write stories about Kate's adventures chasing orcs, trolls, warlocks and evil wizards and bringing them to justice.

He was interrupted in his writing by the arrival outside of his home of a carriage. He went to the window and looked out. There, he saw a large, pumpkin shaped carriage, pulled by a quartet of reindeer and driven by a mouse, with another mouse riding postilion. Two sturdy footmen, excuse me, footmice, clung to the rear of the carriage in case of need.

As the carriage stopped, one of the footmice dropped to the ground and opened the carriage's door, then dropped to all fours so that the passenger could alight by stepping on him. Out stepped a large and quite well dressed cat. As the cat approached the door of the cottage, Richard flung the door open. "Oh, what a cute little pussy cat you are." He exclaimed.

The cat's claws shot out and it was with great difficulty that he kept himself from seriously hurting Richard. "Cute, bro? You calling me cute? I am anything but cute. I am one lean, mean fighting machine. I'm the Cat! Now get your sorry butt into the carriage. The Princess wants to see you."

Richard was shocked. "The Princess wants to see me? But why?"

The Cat shrugged. "Search me. You been dabbling in the black arts? Maybe getting too friendly with an orc? Turned anyone into an inanimate body?" The Cat looked around suspiciously. "Been smoking those magic beans? Maybe got a familiar or two around? Been associating with smegheads?"

Richard shook his head. "Let me just leave a note for my dear wife. It won't take long, I'm used to writing her notes in iambic pentameter."

The Cat shook his head. "Prose, bro. Use plain old prose."

"Should I change to see the princess? My magical cloak is upstairs in the closet. It hasn't been washed since last winter, but I can…."

The Cat cut him off. "You're fine. Move it."

Once they were in the carriage, the Cat yelled to the coachmouse, "Yo, Ryan. Turn this thing around and head back to the palace."

As they left his property, Richard was surprised to see a troop of Elvish cavalry mounted on unicorns waiting for them on the main road. "A troop of the Princess's Guard Regiment? Why?"

The Cat smiled. "Need to know, bro. Need to know."

As they approached a bridge, a tall, saturnine man dressed in a black wizard's cloak strode to the center of the bridge and held up his hand. "Halt, I command you! I am Joshdolph the Grey. My mechanical steed has been ensorcelled and I need…."

The rest was cut off when the reindeer, the carriage and then the unicorns drove over him.

"Did you feel a bump?" Asked the Cat.

Richard just shrugged.

A wee bit further down the road, just as it merged onto a yellow brick interstate, they came upon an elderly crone, sitting by the roadside and selling enchanted apples. The coachmouse pulled up and looked at her sign. "Free range, fair trade, gluten free, vegan apples. No preservatives or antibiotics used."

The coachmouse called down to the Cat. "We're past lunchtime, Cat. Can we eat?"

The Cat pulled a magical sundial from his clothing and nodded. "Okay. A half an hour. Reindeer, unicorns and… cats eat first."

There was some grumbling, but everyone dismounted as the Cat walked over to the crone. "Let's see your business license first."

In an instant a document appeared in front of the Cat, which he read. "Meredith's Apples, LLC? This seems in order." The Cat reached for an apple, but it suddenly shot away from his hand as if by magic. Well, of course it was magic.

"Stop!" Cried a dusky beauty in a swirling cloak of many colors that could not disguise her voluptuous figure.

The Cat reached for the hilt of his rapier, but stopped. "Whoa! Mama, mama, mama, jump in my pajamas."

The crone, who was a lot faster than one would think, got up and ran, only to be run down and retrieved by a strange beast called a Perlmutter. The dusky maiden, (Okay, she's not a maiden, but it sounds better.) tickled the Perlmutter under the chin. "Who's a good familiar? You are, aren't you, boy?"

The Perlmutter's tongue lolled out of its mouth and it purred happily.

"What's going on here?" The Cat demanded. "I am the Cat and I work for the Princess."

"I'm Lanie the Good Witch of Manhattan. I work for the Department of Homeland Security. This woman is a paid assassin. She kills with poisoned apples." As Lanie spoke, the large, firm succulent apples turned into a dark sludge.

"I'm untouchable. I'm too well protected. You haven't got a thing on me." Said the crone, smugly.

"I'll have to read you your rights." Lanie said, beginning a magical incantation that would advise her of her rights. But somehow when she was done, the crone turned into a toad. A particularly ugly toad at that.

"Oops!" Cried Lanie. "I must have made a mistake." Then Lanie accidentally kicked the toad under the hoof a reindeer who stepped on it.

Lanie grinned. "I learned that one from Jack Bower, you know the guy who took down the giant at the top of the beanstalk?" And then Lanie completely disappeared.

"Hey." Cried Ryan. "We're still hungry. Is there any place to eat around here?"

Rick looked around him. "Hey, I see a castle over there. It looks like it's white. Maybe they'll have something."

Indeed they did although they had to wait as two oddly dressed young men ordered and then ate a gargantuan meal.

As they finally ate, the wind arose. As the wind howled around the castle, one of the reindeer shouted, "It's a tornado. Everyone take cover." (Of course reindeers speak. Everyone knows that.)

The young elf behind the counter yelled. "Hey, we have the best magical insurance policy in the world. But, but get down just in case."

With that, Richard began to dance with the Cat. "Not that kind of get down, you moron!" The Cat screamed.

Just as the tornado reached the castle, it disappeared and a tall, blonde woman appeared in its place. She pushed open the door and looked around until her eyes settled on Richard. "There you are!"

"Gina?" Richard cried out.

"You're behind on your scrolls and now I have you. I'm taking you back to the Red Prawn's dungeons where you'll write and write and write until I have every Nikki Mage scroll in your head."

"You can't do this to me! I need my muse, my Kate."

Gina pulled out a magic contract. "Oh, yeah! Well, this says I can."

Richard laughed and muttered an incantation. As soon as he did, a horde of goblins in three piece suits and carrying briefcases appeared and began speaking in Latin and issuing writs, disclaimers, subpoenas, and summonses. Gina was soon buried under paper and Richard and his group quickly left.

They finally arrived at the palace where they were met by Jacinderella who was dating the Prince. It was said that Jacinderella had once, in a faraway Castle, been a Sleeping Beauty. However, now she was throwing glass slippers at a horde of wild paparazzi who were besieging the palace and demanding to know about her and the Prince. The questions were quite personal as well.

As he passed Jacinderella, Richard quoted, "You cannot hope to bribe of twist, than God the magic journalist, but seeing what the beast will do, unbribed there's no occasion to."

The Cat pulled Richard along and soon he was in the presence of Princess Emily.

"Richard." She said, smiling. "Please join me, your wife Kate, the Royal Headsman and me for a tea party."

Richard sat down at the magical table and looked at his magical tea. "Hello, Kate." He then looked to the headsman. "How are you doing, Frog Breath?"

"Just fine, Jerk Face." Jason replied.

"Can we please just have the tea party?" Princess Emily said. "I've had a bad day. My tutor, William of the Bracken was taken away by someone from Homeland Security."

"I think a tea party is in order, Your Highness." Richard said, taking Kate's hand.