737. Chapter 737

After Death Wish

Episode 8.17

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Castle. I wish I owned Castle. I wish I owned Castle. Didn't work. Rating: K Time: See above.

Long, long ago…in a galaxy far, far away….Um, no, no that galaxy. A different one.

Princess Kate sat with her handmaiden, Lanie. The Princess was not happy. "Why does my father want me to get married to someone he chooses? I mean have you ever seen such a collection of stiffs and losers? And the palace is still crawling with them."

"You father is the king. He has to insure that you get a husband who can help you rule the kingdom. Besides, not all of those guys were losers. What about the Prince of Wrigleyville?"

Kate laughed. "The prince of the biggest collection of losers anywhere?"

"But he sure looked good in those tight pants.

Before Princess Kate could reply, a eunuch entered the women's quarters. "Your Highness, your father, the King, wishes you to come to the throne room at the second hour after noon. He wants you to meet another suitor."

"Who is it this time?" The princess asked with no enthusiasm.

"Prince Finn of the West, Your Highness."

"Him? He's like a thousand years older than I am."

"I'm sure that's an exaggeration." The eunuch said diplomatically.

"Tell my father that I'll be there after I've eaten lunch, Demming."

The eunuch bowed and left.

Princess Kate changed into a pair of baggy pants, and an overlarge top, then spent the next hour eating a lunch of onions, garlic and jalapeno peppers. Then she scrubbed off all of her makeup.

At the appointed hour, Princess Kate entered the throne room. Prince Finn walked to her and bowed deeply. "Beautiful Princess Kate, I have composed a poem in your honor."

"Roses are red, violets are blue…."

Princess Kate exhaled on Prince Finn. His eyes crossed, his eyes watered, the wax in his ears began melting and the hairs of his beard began to fall out. Prince Finn staggered out of the palace and never returned.

Princess Kate looked at King Jim, shrugged and went back to her quarters.

"Why can't I find someone romantic, someone I can love and not someone the king likes." Kate grumped while standing on a balcony overlooking the royal gardens. As if in answer to her question, she heard a voice far below her in the garden.

"A Book from the library under a tree,"A hero sandwich and some booze and you,"Beside me wailing on some Grateful Dead —"Oh, Wilderness were…..really cool."

"No, that's not right." Muttered the unknown poet somewhere in the gardens beneath Princess Kate.

Princess Kate at once ran down to the gardens, but all she found was Lady Meredith and four of her….suitors.

"Did any of you hear a poet just now?" She asked.

The five looked at her. Finally, Sir Pi spoke. "A poet? No. Oh, poetry is way cool."

Princess Kate trudged back to her rooms only to find Demming the eunuch there again. "Your Highness, the king wishes your presence at dinner to meet Lord Will of Sore and Son. And no eating between now and then."

By the time Princess Kate got to the royal dining room, she was quite hungry. Lord Will's retainers brought forth a selection of rare foods wrapped in cunningly constructed paper vessels.

"I have traveled far and wide, "Lord Will announced, "and I have brought back ambrosia from the far White Castle itself." With a bow, be presented a dish of many ingredients to Princess Kate.

However, Princess Kate had come prepared. She slyly picked of one side of the doughy substance surrounding the main meal and slipped something inside. Then she looked at Lord Will. "Should the food be moving?" She asked sweetly as a cockroach dropped out and on to the floor.

Lord Will was banned from ever entering the palace again.

Princess Kate went to bed that night hungry, but happy. Then she heard it, coming from the gardens below her.

"In the old age black was not counted fair,

"Or if it were, it bore not beauty's name

"But now is black beauty's successive heir,

"And beauty slandered…..by some dame?"

"No, that's not it." Muttered the unseen poet.

Princess Kate threw on her robe and rushed to the gardens, but when she got there, they were empty.

The poet, a lowly gardener named Richard walked back to his small room in the basement of his palace. There he picked up his lamp and gently rubbed it. Out of the lamp popped a small man, dressed in green and carrying a shillelagh.

"And what are ye bothering' me for now?" Said the djinn. "Tis the Notre Dame USC game Oi'm watching, boyo."

"The what?" Asked the poet.

"There's no point in tryin' ta hexplain the time warp to ye an' how Oi kin see football in anither dimension." As he said the words "time warp" he began doing an odd dance.

"I just can't seem to get my poems right." Richard complained.

"If ye'd be usin' one o' yer three wishes, ye'd be spoutin' poems loike a bloody busted toilet spouts crap."

"Unfortunately, I reach a point and I do spout crap. I have poet's block. But I want to resolve this by myself. What's the use in being a poet if I can't write a poem without magical help?"

The djinn shrugged. "The chicks dig poetry, ye knows."

"Not mine." Richard said sadly.

"What ye needs is a muse." Said the djinn wisely.

Richard scoffed. "I'll put an ad in the Ledger. Do they have a muse wanted section?"

Princess Kate awoke at dawn and hurried down to the gardens. She intended to stay there until she had found the mysterious poet who was rapidly capturing her heart.

The gardens were quite large and it wasn't until afternoon that Kate heard something in the distance.

"A good murder mystery, a loaf of gluten free bread, a cardboard box of wine, and you….." The voice stopped for a bit. "No, that's worse than yesterdays. " She heard him clear his throat. "A box of Twinkies, a bottle of booze and….God, that's even worse."

Kate rushed around a tree and found her poet. She noticed he was tall, ruggedly handsome and had wonderful blue eyes. He at once fell to his knees.

"I'm sorry, Princess Kate, I didn't mean to disturb you."

"You aren't disturbing me. You sound like you need a muse and I happen to be one. Now sit down beside me and start thinking just what you'd like, sitting with me here under this tree."

Richard sat, and in seconds, he knew what he wanted to say.

"A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,"A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread—and Thou"Beside me singing in the Wilderness—"Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!"

Princess Kate was so happy with the poem, she kissed Richard. He kissed her back.

Every day for weeks, she met with her poet and as he composed more poems, they fell more deeply in love.

"But my father would never approve of our marriage. He has to think of the good of the kingdom and that means I have to marry someone rich and powerful, like that awful Eric the Rude who was just here."

"That's all I need to do to get to marry you?" Richard said happily.

"It sounds like a lot to me."

"Let me just go and get my lamp."

The next day, the Emperor Richard the Linus Hearted arrived at the palace in a very large vehicle.

"What is this giant round thing?" Asked King Jim.

"A Death Star, second model. No weaknesses. We cloud funded it. If any of your enemies give you any trouble, we disintegrate their clothes and they run home screaming. If they get dressed again, we can give them an atomic wedgie."

"Do you have a few gifts for my daughter? Something to show your wealth?"

"I have a selection of solid diamond bowling balls designed by the Dude himself, a selection of solid gold coffee cups, one for every day of the year, including leap years. And a never ending supply of coats and footwear with four inch heels."

Kate approached her new suitor. "I have a poem for you." She said.

"Roses are red,

"Violets are blue,

"Do you love me,

"As much as I love you?"

"I do." Said Richard.

And they lived happily ever after, and even had one wish left.

Author's note: The poem that Kate finally helps Rick write is from the Rubaiyats of Omar Khayyam, and the other poem is from Shakespeare's sonnets, except for the part about the dame.