716. Chapter 716

After The Good, The Bad and The Baby.

Episode 6.10

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Yes, I own no Castle, I own no Castle today. Rating: K Time: See above.

Cue the Ennio Morricone music….

Dressed all in black, the gunslinger rode into town on a pale horse. Trailing behind her were sixteen horses and across each of the horses' saddles was a corpse. The shootist stopped at the sheriff's office and slowly dismounted. The sheriff came out of his office, looking worried.

"Howdy, stranger. I'm Sheriff Roy Montgomery. Can I help you?"

A cold pair of hazel eyes looked at the sheriff, making his blood run cold. "The Perlmutter gang, all sixteen of them. I'm here for the reward."

"All sixteen of the Perlmutter gang? I don't believe it."

"Are you calling me a liar?" The voice was soft, but deadly.

A chill ran down the sheriff's spine. "No, not at all. Come on inside. I have a pot of coffee on. We'll have a cup while I fill out the paperwork. How do you take your coffee, stranger?"

"Grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar free vanilla."

A cold chill ran down the sheriff's spine. Could it be….? "I'll need your name for the paperwork." He said nervously.

"No you won't."

He nodded. "I guess I won't. You're the Woman with No Name."

She just nodded.

THE GOOD.

"Howdy, stranger. What's your poison?" The saloon's only bartender asked the tall, ruggedly handsome man.

"Two fingers of a single malt Scotch with three ice cubes, please."

The bartender laughed. "How's about a glass of red eye, stranger? It's all we got."

The man nodded.

"What're you doing in these parts, mister?" The bartender asked after pouring a shot of red eye.

"I deal in lead."

"A gunslinger, are you?"

"No. I sell letters made out of lead to newspapers and book publishers. And I write a bit. But I have to find me a muse."

"Amuse?" Said as woman's voice. "Name's Meredith. And for two bits I'll amuse you for anything you're up for."

The stranger looked at the tawdry saloon girl. "I'm looking for a muse. Someone to inspire me to write great literature. That's not you, I'm afraid."

The woman's eyes narrowed. "So, I'm not good enough for you, am I?" She turned to a rough looking man at the end of the bar. "Will, did you hear this man insult me?"

Will smiled coldly. "I did and I'm going to make you dance, mister."

But before Will could draw his pistol, the stranger grabbed Will and executed an excellent tango with him. The stranger led, of course.

When they were done, the stranger bowed and said, "I'll be your huckleberry."

"No one else leads when I dance." Will said coldly. "Go for your gun."

But before Will could draw his weapon, the stranger dropped him with a punch to the head. Will collapsed in a heap. Then the stranger finished his drink and turned to the bartender. "Your floor show isn't worth the two drink minimum."

The bartender just nodded. "Um, what's your name stranger?"

"Tuco. Tuco Castle."

THE UGLY

"This is cattle country, mister." The man said, smiling sadistically. "We don't want no sodbusters here. Now git."

"You realize that you've used a double negative. If I take your statement literally, that means you do want me here."

"I'm not here to play word games with you."

"So, maybe we could play tag? Hide and go seek? If we had a peach basket, we could play a game just invented by a Dr. James Naismith called basketball."

"You're growing corn in cattle country."

"I could make popcorn." The farmer said helpfully

The man's eyes narrowed. "I warned you." He drew his pistol with lightning speed, shooting each and every ear of corn on the farm, taking seven hours, using six thousand rounds of Colt .45 ammunition and spraining both thumbs.

The man looked at the farmer, his eyes narrowing further. "I bet you learned your lesson."

"I'll need your name for the insurance claim, you know."

The man's eyes narrowed again. Then he realized he'd narrowed them to the point that his eyes were closed. "It's Baby Kid Angel Eyes Davidson, but everyone calls me Baby Doc."

THE BAD

The three rode into Tombstone and stopped at the Bird Cage Saloon. When they walked through the swinging doors, the saloon became deathly quiet.

The Woman with No Name leaned against the bar, looking at the patrons in the saloon. Only two could possibly be a threat to her, but she knew she could take them. She turned to the barmaid. "A glass of red wine please."

Miss Gina, the saloonkeeper nodded. "We only have domestic wines, I'm afraid."

The ruggedly handsome man laughed. "Domestic wines? Why once in the wilds of Tibet I lost the expedition's only corkscrew. We had to subsist on nothing but water for a week." He shivered. "I still have nightmares."

"Give the stranger a glass of wine as well." She said, inviting the ruggedly handsome stranger to stand next to her.

"Thanks, ma'am."

"So, what brings you to Tombstone, ruggedly handsome stranger?"

"I'm searching for the legendary Lost Dutchman mine. I think I know where it is."

"That's odd. I'm searching for it as well. I think I know where it is, too."

"Mind if I tag along with you then?"

The woman laughed. "No way."

"I'm afraid you'll have to." A man interrupted. "I'm Mayor Bob and here's a new law in town. No hunting for fabulous lost treasures alone. You two will have to go together."

The Woman with No Name wasn't happy about having this stranger forced on her, but the law was the law.

The two nodded and left together. However, they were watched closely by a man who didn't care what the law said. He smiled to himself and left by himself.

The two found that they each had a half of an old map, but the center of the map was missing. They could get close to the mine, but not to it. Then they found themselves in a large valley filled with hundreds of mines.

"How will we ever find which one is the real Lost Dutchman mine among all of these?" Tuco asked.

"I'll figure that out once I've killed you." Called a voice. It was Baby Doc himself.

"Or maybe I'll kill you two and take the gold for myself." Tuco said.

The Woman with No Name started backing away from both men. Soon the three were equidistant apart and, yes, they were narrowing their eyes.

"Enough of the narrowing of the eyes." Tuco said. "Can we just shoot?" As soon as the word shoot was out of his mouth, he went for his gun, aimed at Baby Doc and fired. Nothing happened. But the Woman with No Name drew and shot Baby Doc.

Tuco whirled around to face the Woman with No Name. "Are you going to kill me?"

She laughed. "Of course not. But I had to be sure. When we made love last night, I emptied your gun."

"But I emptied your gun and reloaded mine the second time we made love."

She smiled. "The third time we made love, I took the bullets from your pistol and loaded them into mine."

"But the fourth time we made love, I removed my bullets from your gun and loaded mine."

"Look, we could go on all night about this. Isn't enough to say that my gun is loaded and yours isn't?"

Tuco nodded. "My gun certainly isn't loaded after last night."

"So which one is the Lost Dutchman mine?" She asked.

"Dere iss no lost mine, dumbkopf!" Said an elderly man. "It's vas da Dutchman, me, dat vas lost, not der mine. Now, vitch vay is Las Vegas? I haff some celebrating to do."

They pointed the old fellow towards Vegas and watched him ride off into the sunset.

"Now what are we going to do?" The Woman with No Name asked.

"I think we could load and unload our guns again."

She laughed. "That's what you do best, Butch: Thinking. But tell me ruggedly handsome man, why do they refer to you as ugly?"

He blushed. "It was in boarding school. I was going to put a cow on the roof, but the cow panicked and…." He stopped.

"And?" She asked, glaring at him.

"The cow lost control of her bowels and it went all over me. Everyone said I was the ugliest thing they'd ever seen. People started calling me Ugly and the name stuck."

"Let's see if we can find you a new name….lover."