603. Chapter 603

After Mr. and Mrs. Castle

Episode 8.08

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Mr. and Mrs. UCSBdad don't own Castle, either. Rating: K Time: see above.

The loft was silent, but the aroma of sex and sweat still hung in the air. Kate lay quietly in Rick's arms, while he, happily tired, was drifting off to sleep.

"I'm afraid." She said.

Castle came fully awake. "What?"

"I'm afraid." She repeated. "I always have been and I'm sure I always will be."

"Of what?" He asked, curious.

"Of losing you. It began when I first started having feelings for you and has continued ever since. Even now."

He moved slightly so he could look into her eyes. "You know that you will never, ever have to worry about losing me."

She nodded. "In my heart, in my mind, in my very soul, I know that the man who stood beside me when I was standing on a bomb loves me as much as I love him." She leaned up and kissed him softly. "But there's this tiny part of me that thinks that one day, Richard Castle will wake up and realize he didn't marry someone who's remarkable or extraordinary, but he's just married to some cop. And then it'll be over."

"Never happen. I know exactly who, and what I married. "You are remarkable, extraordinary, magnificent, brave, loyal, determined…"

"And afraid." She finished for him. She pulled herself closer to him. "I was Rebel Becks, once you know. I went to poetry slams instead of boring old proms. I stayed out late and I rode a Harley. And I still graduated from one of the best high schools in the country, and got admitted to Stanford. I was on my way to being the first female Chief Justice of the Supreme Court."

"And it all changed for you." He stroked her cheek.

"I tried to go back to Stanford, but it didn't work. I couldn't concentrate, plus my dad was….."

"I know."

"So I signed up for the police academy. Everyone said that the little lawyers' kid from Stanford would never make a street cop, or that if I did pass the academy I'd end up decorating some office at One PP. But I did it. I became a detective, quicker than anyone in NYPD history. And I worked on my mom's case for three long years. I almost lost my mind. What was the use of my being a cop, if I couldn't even find one damned lead in the most important case of my life?"

"There were no leads in the file, Kate. Raglan and his pals saw to that. It wasn't your fault."

She shrugged. "So, after a year of therapy, I quit. I decided I'd get justice for everyone else. And after each case I solved, I felt a sense of accomplishment. And a tiny part of me felt that I just wasn't good enough. I felt like a phony in my own body. Like I was Katie Beckett masquerading as this Detective Beckett."

"Kate, you know that's not…."

She put her finger over his lips. "Shhh! And then you came along and you found something. Rick Castle, playboy, amateur detective and would be seducer of detectives. You found something."

"I had resources you didn't. It doesn't mean a thing."

"I was furious at you. What kind of a cop is angry at someone for bringing leads on a case?"

"We caught Bracken."

"Because you found the first lead. I didn't."

"And you confronted Bracken, got tortured by Vulcan Simmons and then kidnapped and were almost murdered. I know what you did to bring down Bracken. I was there. Don't you ever sell yourself short."

"And I was falling more and more in love with you. And I was more and more afraid of what would happen to me if you left. That's why I picked Demming and Josh over you. "Kate smiled. "Josh was terribly jealous of you."

"What? Why? You were his girlfriend, not mine."

"Whenever we'd talk, I'd always be telling him about where we went and what we did and what you suggested and on and on. Half the conversation was about you. And towards the end, I think he knew that he'd never mean what you meant to me. But neither one could ever have hurt me. They couldn't have made me feel like I felt when you showed up with Gina to take her to the Hamptons for the summer."

"Kate, I would do anything to change that. I was wrong…"

"You were right. I got exactly what I deserved for treating you like I did. I haven't been the best possible partner, friend, lover or wife to you, have I?"

"You are all that I want and more. I love you and I know you love me."

"Yes, very much so, Mr. Castle. But I was still so afraid of losing you. I spent another year in therapy with Dr. Burke trying to get myself to a place where I felt I deserved you, where I could be the woman you deserved. And it looks like I failed."

"You are the woman I want and the woman I deserve, and in spite of everything, here we are, together."

"I was totally shocked when you proposed. I knew you were going to break up with me. I was going to be so strong. I was determined not to fall apart in front of you. I didn't want you to pity me for being so weak. And you asked me to marry you."

"Best decision of my life."

She kissed him once more. "Mine too. But I was still afraid of losing you."

"My kidnapping!" He said suddenly. "That must have been even worse for you than I imagined."

She nodded. "My worst nightmare come true. Rick Castle wakes up the morning of his wedding and realized he's marrying some broken cop. As many times as I asked myself, how could he do this to me, I also asked myself, how could he not do this to me?"

"You know better than that."

"Now. I wonder if subconsciously I was pushing you away from Loksat to try to prove to myself that I really was this remarkable, extraordinary cop you kept telling me you'd found."

"You are. And you are so much more. I love you, Kate. And I always will. Always."

"You were right, though. I'm still broken, but I don't like it. I want to get better, but I need help."

"Anything you need, just ask."

"You've been giving too much in our relationship. I need to give now."

"We're partners, in every sense of the word. We both give."

"I need more than just you, I think. I'd like us to go see Dr. Burke when this is over."

"You think we need couples counseling?"

"No, I need therapy. But I want you there to make sure I don't try to hide anything from Dr. Burke. That I don't run away from anything like I have in the past. I also want you to see that I'm trying. I really want to make us work."

"Me, too. But there's just one thing."

"What?" Kate asked, with the old fear starting to creep in.

"You've been a very bad girl, Captain Beckett."

She smiled. "I have been, haven't I?"

"You need to be punished."

"And luckily, were both naked."