573. Chapter 573

After XY and XX

Episodes 8.01 & 8.02

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: These episodes prove that I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

His phone rang, but there was no caller ID. "Castle." There was no reply. He waited for a few seconds and was about to hang up when she spoke.

"Hi."

"Beckett? What do you want?"

"I just wanted to hear your voice."

"You don't have to call me on a burner phone to hear my voice." He said quietly. "You know that."

"I'm not doing this to hurt you."

"Then why does it hurt so badly?" There was silence. "What did Mrs. Smith say about that? The woman who killed her Santa husband? That's what people say just before they hurt you."

"I was trying to protect you. I still am."

"That was a spectacular fail then, wasn't it? I got kidnapped at gunpoint, and then tortured. Admittedly, a bag of spiders over your head is more psychological than anything, but I can attest to it being effective. Then I got shot at. If you'd been five seconds later, you'd have been avenging me instead of saving me."

"Still, I was trying to protect you. You have to believe that. Please."

"I'd really be interested in your thought processes there. What was it? Did you think I didn't care enough about you to do anything in my power to find you? Did you think I was too stupid to find anything? Did you think that the hit squad would never think of grabbing me to get at you? What was it?"

"Castle, I love you and you love me, I know that. And I know how good you are. Please, trust me."

"I could have been killed. Did you know Alexis was in the precinct when that woman committed suicide by cop? Alexis could have been killed, I could have been killed, Ryan and Esposito and any of the other cops could have been killed. Oh, I know, maybe everything would have happened that way or worse if you'd trusted me, but I think we would have been a little better prepared for what happened."

"I'm sorry."

"We've done this before, Beckett. You do what you want to do, you're surprised that it hurts me, you're sorry, then you run away and then you come back. And then it starts all over again. I hate to say it, but that bastard Bracken was right. You'll never be happy just being Mrs. Castle, will you?"

"Rick, I love you. I love you so much."

"And I love you. I love you unconditionally. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before. I love you more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I love you more than I have the words to say, which for me is pretty amazing. But I have to accept that I love you a lot more than you love me."

She began to cry. "Rick…I want you. I want a family with you and everything else."

"Beckett, that's not going to happen. We aren't going to have children."

There was a long silence. "I thought you wanted children?"

"It took you, what, fifteen years to track down Bracken? Do you think getting his partner will be any easier? Do you want to try to become a mom when you're in your fifties and I'm in my sixties? And then hope we'll live long enough to see our child graduate from high school?"

"We don't have to wait, you know that."

"Beckett, I can accept a part time wife because I love you that much. I can accept a wife who won't be there for me. A wife who doesn't love me as much as I love her. But I've been through this with Alexis. I've known too many other single moms and dads whose partners aren't involved anymore. I'm not going to put a child of mine through that."

"Castle, I'm not Meredith. I could never do that. I want a family with you."

"Even if I screwed up and got you pregnant accidentally, do you think we'd be a family? Beckett, we're never going to be a family like your parents were, like Jenny and Kevin are. There's always going to be something more out there for you. Always."

"Castle, it won't happen that way. I won't let it. Believe me."

"Beckett, I don't believe you. When I proposed, I told you I couldn't imagine my life without you and I still can't. I know I never will be able to live without you. But that's who you are. You don't let people in, not even me."

"I have let you in. You mean the world to me. Always."

"No, I don't mean the world to you. There's something more important than me right now and we both know it. And you did say that you always kept one foot out the door."

"That's not what I'm doing." She said softly.

Castle shook his head. "Beckett, you've won. You have what you want. Our marriage is going to be exactly like our relationship has always been: entirely on your terms. We've been over this again and again and I just don't have the heart to listen to it anymore tonight. You have your problem to work out and I have to figure out how to make our marriage, such as it is, work."

"I'm not looking for some kind of victory over you."

"Then neither of us have what we want."

"Rick, please…" Kate realized he had hung up.

"At least he still loves you."

Kate could barely see the woman in the car with her through her tears. "And I love him. Just because I'm doing this doesn't mean I don't love him every bit as much as he loves me. But I have to do this to get myself to a place where we can be together always."

"Like he said, that could take years."

Kate shook her head. "It won't. I didn't say that I'm not coming back to him until I catch Bracken's partner, just until I can get my head straight. Think this through."

Rita nodded. "Still, it'll be rough on him, and from what you've told me, this relationship has always been rough on him."

"On both of us. But yes, one reason I want to get this over with is to get back to him and make up for all of that."

"Still, you're taking a chance. It'll be between you for years, probably. You'll miss a birthday or an anniversary and he'll start resenting you for it. He'll go to the park and see families together and wonder why you don't love him enough to be there with your children. And one day you'll wake up and you may still be married, but you won't have a husband. That'll be gone."

Kate began crying harder. "Four years I pushed Castle away because I didn't believe he'd ever love me, or that he loved me as much as I loved him. Now he thinks the same thing about me. Karma is a bitch."

Kate sobbed and the tears rolled down her cheeks. When she stopped, she saw that Rita had gone.

Kate started her car and drove away.