555. Chapter 555

After Room 147

Episode 6.16

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Could I make you believe I own Castle? No. Rating: K Time: See above

Author's note: This is a sequel to Chapter 541, which was the second part of 540 which was a sequel to chapters 84, 187, 327 and 471.

Lord Richard Castle, the famous inventor, explorer, adventurer, writer and poet, stepped down from the train from Dresden to look about Streslau, the capital of Ruritania. He then turned and helped his beautiful American born wife, Lady Katherine Beckett Castle down from the train, then performed the same service for that flower of English womanhood, his daughter, Lady Alexis Castle. In truth, neither woman needed such assistance as they had accompanied Lord Castle on many of his adventures to the Back of Beyond and Back Again, and were as strong and capable as they were beautiful and brainy. In fact, if the truth be told, many of Lord Castle's adventures and inventions had actually been the work of his wife and daughter, but they regrettably lived in an age where the fairer sex was considered incapable of such acts, and rather suspect if they showed any intelligence at all.

Lastly, Lord Castle assisted their cook, Jenny Ryan, the wife of Constable Kevin Ryan. In truth, Jenny, a doughty offspring of the Emerald Isle, also needed no assistance, but she did appreciate that Lord Castle always behaved as a gentleman towards her, and as her husband had to remain in London, gladly accepted his assistance.

Last off, and needing no help was Javier Esposito, late of the famed French Foreign Legion and now Lord Castle's gentleman's gentleman. Then came Cosmo, Lord Castle's Tibetan mastiff and Dumming, whose presence was due to Lord Castle's fears that if left alone, he might injure himself or wander off and not be able to find his way home. Dumming had recently walked into a closet and remained there for four days, unable to find his way out. However, on the train trip, Cosmo had taught Dumming several tricks which led Cosmo to believe that Dumming might possess a mind of some sort. Not as fine a mind as Cosmo's, of course, but Cosmo had every reason to expect that he might be able to teach Dumming to roll over.

"I believe we need to go through passport control over there." Said Lord Castle, pointing to a sign that read, "You need to go through passport control over here." A large arrow pointed the way.

Their passports were checked, stamped and signed with typical Teutonic thoroughness and in minutes they were done. Lady Katherine looked around, but didn't see her husband anywhere. "Where has Richard gone?" She asked.

One of the uniformed men jumped to attention, clicked his heels and shouted. "I believe I saw the gentleman arranging for a carriage to take you to your hotel, the Streslau Six Hotel."

Lord Castle's party found a carriage awaiting them, but no Lord Castle. They felt it best to proceed to their hotel and wait for Lord Castle there.

However, Lord Castle had been grabbed by two large members of the Ruritinian Leib Garde, the storied personal guards of the Ruritanian kings, and was being hurried away to an unknown destination.

He sat between the two very large gentlemen until they arrived at a hunting lodge in the forest some miles from the capitol. There he was led inside and introduced to two uniformed officers.

"I do apologize for this, Lord Castle." Said he older and stouter of the two officers. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Colonel Sapt and this is Captain Fritz von Tarlenheim. We need your assistance desperately."

Lord Castle dug into his pocket. "Always glad to spare a few quid for the Salvation Army. You fellows do splendid work, although a letter in the post would have been easier. My better half must be worried by now. Must be getting back, don't you know?"

"You misunderstand, sir." Sapt said. "Observe this photograph. Do you recognize this man?"

Lord Castle looked at the photo. "E gads! That's me! All dressed up for some fancy ball. Must have been taken in my bachelor days. I don't remember some of those parties at all that well. Champagne and all."

"No, Lord Castle. This is King Rudolf of Ruritania. His formal coronation is scheduled for this Saturday. However, if he doesn't appear, the crown of Ruritania will pass to Count Michael, known as Black Michael, the King's half-brother."

"I wonder if I could get tickets for the Coronation? And will there be fireworks afterwards?"

"There may be." Said von Tarlenheim. "For King Rudolf has been kidnapped and Black Michael will ascend the throne on Saturday if nothing is done. Black Michael is a moron, but he is under the influence of a Herr Professor Doktor Kettenrad-Junge, who calls himself the Frederick the Great of Crime. If Michael becomes king, there will be a civil war in Ruritania." He showed Castle photos of both men.

"I say, but this Black Michael looks exactly like my man Dumming. And, hello! This is that rogue Davidson, but he's in the Tower of London."

"We need for you to become King Rudolf until Saturday." Sapt said.

"A bit of play acting? I played Desdemona once when I was up at Oxford. Stuffy fellows there, like the Elizabethans of old, they wouldn't let women portray women." Lord Castle stared dreamily off into space. "Ah, but I was a saucy wench, wasn't I?"

"No, we don't need you to pretend to be King Rudolf, you need to be him. So, we have secured the services of the hypnotist, Bubba Mesmer, the American grandson of the great hypnotist, Anton Mesmer. This will only take a minute."

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis had become very worried about the disappearance of Lord Castle. They had gone to the police station, but with Teutonic efficiency, were handed a four hundred and thirty page missing persons form to fill out.

"You need the family history back to 1066?" Lady Katherine asked.

"Jawohl!" Barked the police sergeant. "And we need it completed with Teutonic efficiency."

The ladies decided that they should search for Lord Castle themselves and left the police station. It was then that they saw Lord Castle go by in a carriage, surrounded by dozens of mounted members of the Ruritanian Leib Garde. But, upon enquiring, they were advised that this was King Rudolf, returning to the palace.

"That is not King Rudolf, but my own sweet husband. I would recognize him anywhere." Said Lady Katherine firmly. "We shall go to the palace tonight and see what's afoot."

That night, Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis swam the moat and entered the royal palace, easily out-swimming the sharks that were supposed to guard the palace. Moving unseen through the palace, they found Lord Castle, now convinced he was King Rudolf.

"My love, we are here to rescue you." Lady Katherine said.

"Young lady, I do not know who you are, but I do not need rescuing. I am King Rudolf, soon to be formally crowned King of Ruritania. I must say that the manner in which your wet garments adhere to your body is quite enticing."

"He's hypnotized." Lady Katherine and Alexis said together.

"Indeed he is." Said Colonel Sapt, backed by a dozen soldiers armed with the famous Ruritanian Hornet, the 7mm Mauser rifle. "And he must stay that way." Sapt explained to the ladies why they had had to "borrow" Lord Castle.

When he was done, both Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis nodded. As subjects of Queen Victoria, they well understood the need for the coronation of Rudolf as opposed to Michael. "Then we shall simply have to free Rudolf and see to it that he is crowned on Saturday. Where is he?"

Von Tarlenheim was amazed at the daring and bravery of these women. "We have heard that he's in Zenda Castle. But Michael must have it filled with his supporters, a paramilitary group calling itself the Heck's Cherubs Bicycle Club. At the first sign of an attack, they will kill Rudolf."

Lady Katherine smiled coldly. "Then the first they'll know of it is when they see the real Michael tomorrow."

Oddly enough, when he two ladies reached Zenda Castle, they found the drawbridge down and no guards on it. Penetrating deeper into the castle, they still found no guards. Then, sitting by a roaring fire in the main room, with his arm around a woman, they found King Rudolf.

"Your Highness, we're here to save you." Lady Katherine announced.

The King leapt to his feet. "Save me? From what?"

"Why from Black Michael and Herr Professor Doktor Kettenrad-Junge. Michael will be king on Saturday if you're not there."

"Precisely." Rudolf said. "I shan't be king! I shan't! If I'm king, I can't marry the woman I love, Meredith de Bauch." He put his arm around the redhead protectively. "She's a commoner and by law I can't marry her. Let Michael be king. The kingdom's broke, the army is so small we couldn't outfight a troop of Girl Guides and our economy is based on a single dog food manufacturing company."

Lady Katherine looked Miss de Bauch over. Common is right. She thought.

"Glad to hear that, Rudy, old boy." Said a cold voice from behind them.

The ladies whirled around and here stood Michael with Kettenrad-Junge by his side, backed by the Heck's Cherubs, an ursine looking group, carrying truncheons. Alas, the Ruritanian constitution supported the right to arm bears.

"So, you are Lady Katherine Castle. My brother in London has told me much about you. But I regret I'll have to kill all four of you." Kettenrad-Junge's rapier sprang into his hand. "You may draw the swords at your sides, ladies, but I am the finest swordsman in Germany."

Lady Katherine drew her Webley revolver and shot the rapier out of Kettenrad-Junge's hand. "Never bring a sword to a gunfight, Kettenrad-Junge."

The Heck's Cherubs suddenly heard their mothers calling them and ran off. Michael, so enraged at losing all of the shiny things he'd get to wear as king, decided to charge Lady Katherine. However, as dense as he was, he ran straight into the moat and quickly was found by one of the sharks, fatally so.

Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis then escorted Rudolf and his lady love back to Streslau and the palace, and Kettenrad-Junge to the police. But once there, Rudolf still stoutly refused to become king. As Sapt and von Tarlenheim argued with him, Lady Katherine talked to her husband who still believed that he was Rudolf. Finally, seeing no other alternative, she kissed him. And such a wet, sloppy, passionate, deep and loving kiss was never seen in Ruritania before or since.

"Why, Kate! Where the devil have you been?" Said Lord Castle.

"Seeing Ruritania, dear."

"I believe I have a solution to your problem." Lady Alexis said.

And, indeed she did. That Saturday, Dumming was crowned King Michael of Ruritania in place of Rudolf who left town quickly with Meredith de Bauch and a life of ease as Ruritania's ambassador to the Bahamas. Dumming was left with Cosmo to be his adviser and the real power behind the throne. He ruled over a happy and contented kingdom for many years and was greatly loved by his people. Cosmo, of course. The Ruritanians thought Dumming had fleas.

When the World War began in 1914, Cosmo wisely kept Ruritania neutral. The country grew rich selling dog food to the K9 units on both sides. Thus began the Ruritanian "economic miracle" that has made Ruritania a wealthy and happy land to this day.

And if you visit Streslau, be sure to stop and see the simple gravestone of Cosmo and read his motto carved thereon. "Fortune Favors the Furry."

Another Author's Note: The plot, such as there is one, was stolen from Anthony Hope's 1894 novel, The Prisoner of Zenda, and a number of films based on the novel.