5. Chapter 5

After Knockdown

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No, I really don't own this. Rating: K Time: Not quite the end of Knockdown.

"Always." Castle said.

Kate kept holding his hand and nodded slightly. He means it. She thought. He said it before, but that was before he was in a gunfight and beat Lockwood unconscious. And now I know he means it. He's going to have my back while we take on some vast, shadowy conspiracy that can hire trained killers, provide cover identities and remain completely off the grid.

What the hell am I doing? She thought. The cop in me says I should tell him to stay the hell away from me. He's a writer, not a cop. But I won't do that. Whatever he isn't, he is my partner and I'd rather have him watching my back than anyone else. As much as I'd like to, I can't tell him to stay away.

Kate thought about all that had happened. When I asked him why he kept doing this, he didn't say anything for a moment. He was going to tell me something. He was going to tell me why he's really been shadowing me for all his time. But he didn't. Instead, he told me he was my plucky sidekick. We settled on being partners, which is what we've been now for over a year anyway. Could we be more than partners? No! Not now. I've spent too long tracking down my mother's murderers. Maybe when this is done, if this is ever done, I can think about Castle in another way.

Not about Josh? She jeered to herself. Damn it! Damn it to hell. How could I get myself in a mess like this? Focus. She said to herself. You have a murderous conspiracy to take down. Focus on that. And hope that when it's over you're still around to make choices.

The kiss. He kissed me. At first I was surprised, then I realized he was distracting the guard. Then I realized he was distracting me. The second time we kissed, it wasn't to distract the guard entirely. I wanted him. How I wanted him. I've wanted that kiss for a long time. I'd love to drag him off somewhere and repeat that kiss over and over. No, I'd never be able to stop at a kiss. We'd be in bed at the end of it. That wouldn't work. Aside from the fact that I'd be cheating on Josh, who doesn't deserve that from me, what would it do to my partnership with Castle? Right now I need him as my partner. I need him so damned much.

God! How could I have let him follow me into a gun battle? He didn't even have a weapon. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I can't bear to try this without him. I hope he feels he has to stand with me.

Castle relaxed. Beckett was holding his hand again. That's the second time now. He thought. I could get used to this. She even called me Rick. I could…

No I can't. I have to keep her alive. I can't think of anything else. Keep Beckett alive. You told her you'd be her partner. That's what she needs right now if she's going to live through this. You can't afford to think of her as anything else but a woman who needs your help to stay alive.

Suddenly, he thought of the kiss. Amazing. No, that was far too weak a word. She reacted to me. I know she did. I'd do anything for another kiss from her. No, another kiss would lead to…He had a vision of Beckett sprawled on her bed, naked and inviting, smiling at him. His imagination betrayed him by adding Doctor Motorcycle Boy to her bed. Damn! I'd better not think of Kate at all.

One thing. I'll have to stay with her no matter how serious it gets with DMB. I can't let her down by not being there every second for her. I'll hate it, but I'll even go to their wedding if I have to. Anything for Beckett.