125. Chapter 125

After Headhunters

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd be slaughtered if I claimed to own Castle. Rating: K+ Time: See above

Kate Beckett sat at her desk, looking at the file in front of her, but thinking of her partner. The elevator door opened and she looked up, hoping it was Castle. However, it was Ryan and Esposito, back from lunch. She looked back down at her file, then back up. Something was wrong. As the two approached she asked, "Everything okay?"

"Sure." Espo growled and walked right past her to his desk. Ryan followed, but glanced at Kate. He looked worried.

She turned around in her chair. "Really? Then why do I think there is something wrong?"

Esposito looked at her and shrugged. "Don't know."

She thought about letting it go, but Ryan still looked worried. "Okay. Over here, both of you."

The two walked to her desk slowly. "What's happening?" She asked.

"It's nothing, really." Espo said.

"So tell me what the nothing is."

Espo and Ryan exchanged a look. Espo shrugged. "Slaughter was at Remy's with a couple of his gang task force buddies. He was shooting his mouth off, that's all." Espo started to walk back to his desk.

"Javi." Ryan said. "It'll be better if we tell her rather than hearing it from someone else." Espo turned back around and looked at Beckett. Javi nodded and sat down by Kate's desk. "He was talking about you and Castle. He…questioned Castle's manhood."

"Exactly how did he do that?"

Espo looked over at Ryan, who nodded. "He said Castle was a pussy. That he had no balls."

Kate looked at the two of them. "Did you mention that Castle has been going with us into gun battles with no weapons? I can't see Slaughter doing that."

Ryan nodded. "We told him. Slaughter said that all Castle ever did was hide behind a woman."

Kate started to say something and then shook her head. "I don't know why I'm concerned about this. Slaughter may be what the gang task force needs, but aside from that he's an asshole. He can bad mouth Castle all he wants. It won't change what Castle really is. Forget about it."

Ryan and Esposito exchanged glances. "There was more."

Kate smiled. "Knowing Slaughter, I'm sure there was. What else did he say?"

"He said Castle wasn't a real man because he hadn't tried to sleep with you. He said Castle must be either gay or impotent. He said you must be either a lesbian, frigid or just hated men. He said he was the kind of a real man who could change that."

Kate's face flushed slightly. "Every female cop has heard that from clowns like Slaughter. Just like with Castle, Slaughter can say what he wants about me, and it means nothing. Forget it. I certainly will. Now get back to work."

Kate spent another half an hour looking at files and not seeing them. She stood up. "I'm going to see Lanie." She headed for the elevator.

Lanie smiled as her friend walked into the morgue. "How's things, sweetie?"

Kate frowned and shook her head. "It's Castle."

Lanie put her arm around Kate's shoulder. "It's been Castle for three years now, Kate."

"No, something's changed. He's different. He isn't interested in me anymore. He went out with that loose cannon Slaughter. Dr. Burke thinks that I've waited too long. That Castle is distancing himself from me so that he won't be emotionally hurt. I've been thinking constantly about the last three years with Castle. I've certainly done nothing to encourage Castle. Just the opposite, in fact. He may have decided that there's nothing here for him and that he needs to move on."

"Is there, or will there be, something there for him?" Lanie asked softly.

"I want there to be. I do want us to be together. I want more than just being…partners. When Slaughter tried to manufacture evidence against Vales, Castle came to me for help. It was like it used to be with us. We solved the case. He thanked me and I told him that's what partners do. I think maybe he'll continue as my partner. That's what I was trying to say to him. If he stays my partner, we can work on getting closer."

"Kate, you're going to have to work on getting closer to Castle a hell of a lot harder than you have been in the past. You know that, right?"

She nodded. "I know. But there's something else." Kate looked away from Lanie, then back at her friend. "When I got shot, Castle told me he loved me, then…"

"He told you WHAT?" Lanie said. "He said he loved you? When you were shot? Then what is the problem? The man has made his move." Lanie's smile slowly turned to a frown." Kate Beckett! What did you do? You tell me this instant."

Kate began to tear up. "I lied to him when he came to see me in the hospital. I told him that all I remembered was standing on the podium and then it all went black."

"Why? Why would you do that?"

"You know all the problems I have. My mom, Captain Montgomery dying, getting shot, the PTSD, and everything. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle Castle loving me just then."

"Well, can you handle him not loving you right now?" Lanie asked coldly. "How could you have screwed this up so badly, Kate?"

"I know. I know. And now I'm afraid he knows that I lied. I'm afraid he's given up on me because I've lied to him about knowing he loves me."

"How could he know?"

"I don't know. But I know better than to underestimate Castle. He's an outstanding investigator, he's smart and he's tenacious. He won't give up until he knows the story. There are things he's said that now make me wonder. Months ago he asked me if I had remembered anything. I thought he was just curious, but maybe there was something in his voice, like he was giving me a chance to confess. And he's made some comments lately about lying. When we investigated the murder where the victims were dressed as fairy tale characters, he said to me that lies were like time bombs. Was he telling me he knew I had lied to him? Giving me one last chance to come clean before he moved on?"

"How would he know?" Lanie asked, curiously.

"Maybe he's always known. I was heavily sedated in the hospital. Maybe I said something about him confessing that he loves me when I was out of it and don't remember. Some nurse or someone heard it and decided to tell Castle. He's a famous writer after all. So she says, "Don't worry, Mr. Castle, Detective Beckett knows you love her." And then I tell him a lie."

"Castle wasn't at the hospital that long, Kate. Everyone took off to try to find the guy who shot you."

"Maybe it was when he came to see me. I don't know. I've been very careful when I talked to Castle about what happened that day. But maybe I said something to someone else about remembering something that happened after I got shot and it got back to Castle. I don't know of anything I said, but you make a million off hand remarks a day. I just don't know."

"Is it that important? Castle loves you, and if you would just admit it, you love him."

"Lanie, he loved me when I got shot. I'm not sure about now. If I tell him now that I lied, and he doesn't know, he'll be furious. He'll hate me. If I don't tell him and he knows, he'll just assume I don't care. If I admit it and he does know he'll want to know why…Oh, damn, Lanie. I have no idea what to do."

"You'll have to tell him one way or another. Whatever he knows, he's leaving, honey. You can't let that happen, can you?"

"I know. I'll have to think of some way to tell him. I just don't know how."

Author's note: Okay, we're almost through this rough spot and into the land of sweet, crunchy Casketty goodness.