1 session 1

1.Rookie Lawyer

Akpos in his first trial as a lawyer in a murder trial, he was the defence attorney and was cross-examining the coroner:"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?""No.""aha!!""So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Tell me my good sir why didn't you check? Perhaps, you slicing him open might be the cause for his demise, for all we care he might have still been alive. Perhaps you refrigerating him might have been the source of his death. Perhaps"....The coroner just answered in a low tone: "Well, perhaps the man's brain was in a jar on my desk".(weak)No further questions

2.Sergeant Akpos

A conversation between Sergeant Akpos and his superior commanding Officer.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Sergeant Akpos!

AKPOS: Yes Sir!

COMMANDING OFFICER: We are transferring you from Lagos to Borno.

AKPOS: Retire Sir!

3.Superman Akpos

"Akpos can put out a fire with a gallon of petrol.""Akpos counted to infinity. Twice.""Akpos threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.""When Akpos crosses the express road, the cars have to look both left and right.""Akpos can sneeze with his eyes open and lick his elbow. At the same time.""Akpos can drown a fish.""Death once had a near-Akpos experience.""Akpos puts the "laughter" in 'manslaughter'.""Akpos can cut a knife with butter.""A bulletproof vest wears Akpos for protection.""Akpos can hear sign language.""Akpos Blood Type is AK-47.""When Akpos enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.""Akpos can strangle you with a cordless phone.""Akpos can divide by zero.""Akpos can kill two stones with one bird."

4.Or Else

Akpos, a guy in his mid thirties who is also known for making lots of troubles, walked into a bar, met with the manager and started yelling, "Give me one carton of beer, five plates of pepper soup, three plates of isi-ewu and four plates of nkwobi or else, I'll scatter this place!"

So, he kept yelling until his needs were met. He enjoyed himself and left without saying "thanks". This went on for weeks, he kept coming and his demands were met.

One evening, as usual, he barged in and started making his usual demands, "Give me one carton of beer, five plates of pepper soup, three plates of isi-ewu and four plates of nkwobi or else... or else!"

A sharp voice suddenly answered him from behind, "Or else what?!"

Akpos turned to see who dared to challenge him, and on facing the man, Lo and behold, it was a very tall fierce looking guy, with a 150 pound rottweiler panting beside him.

Akpos could do nothing but shiver with his mouth wide open and saliva dripping.

The voice asked again, "Or else wha..."

Akpos couldn't wait for him to complete his statement so he said, "Pure water."

5.Distant Dirt

TEACHER: Akpos, why do you always get so dirty?

AKPOS: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.

6.There's A Man

PASTOR: There's a man here...

AKPOS:(Shouts from d crowd) It is me!

PASTOR: I repeat! There's a man here..

AKPOS: (Shouts from d crowd) it is me and my family.

PASTOR: I say there's a man here..

AKPOS: (Shouts from d crowd) it is me ooooooh!!!

PASTOR: They have been sucking your blood for five years now.

AKPOS: Ah!!! No be me ooooh!!! One word for Akpos?

7.Heartless Akpors

Akpors: My dad fell in the Well.

Ekaite: Oh my God! Is he alright?

Akpors: He must be, because he stopped calling for help since yesterday.

8.Question Tag

TEACHER: Our topic today is question tag. E.g, Michael is a boy. Isn't he? Yes, he is. Can I have other examples?

KWAME: We will chop yam today. Chopin't we?

TEACHER: Wrong! Can anybody correct him?

AKPOS: Don't mind that blocked head sir. The correct sentence is, "We will chop yam today. Yamin't we?

9.Who's Akpos?

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom, on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Akpos, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Akpos?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Akpos." "Well, Akpos, your staying after school!"The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."

10.Corner Store

Akpos stopped by the corner provision store and read the following list to the shop attendant:10 pounds sugar at N1.25 per gram4 pounds coffee at N1.50 per gram2 pounds butter at N1.10 per gram2 bars soap at N.83 each"How much does that come to?" asked Akpos."Twenty-two naira and thirty-six kobo.""If I gave you three ten naira bills, how much change would I get?" asked the boy."Seven naira and sixty-four kobo," stated the shop attendant who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.Akpos said, as he disappeared through the door, "Sorry I don't want to buy the items... that's our mathematics lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

11.Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is Akpos in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to Akpos and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies Akpos, "just get that lion out of the way."

12.Bad Market

BOSS: How come you sold 20 bundles of recharge cards worth N15,000 for N1,500? I need an explanation!AKPOS: Sir, I did not sell 20 bundle of recharge cards for N1,500.BOSS: (furious) Then how many bundles did you sell?AKPOS: It is 30 bundles I sold sir.

13.I Love Your Spirit

A white man walked into a mall and was approached by an eager attendant named Akpos. AKPOS: Good day sir, as you can see, we have anything you would probably want; ranging from electronics to the finest kitchen utensils in their best quality, all for a very affordable price of course. May I first interest you with our finest furnitures? WHITE-MAN: Hmm, no. AKPOS: How about our new arrivals on textile materials, exclusively ordered from Dubai? WHITE-MAN: Thanks, but no. AKPOS: (unwilling to give up) How about our latest electronic gadgets, exclusively imported from Japan for an affordable price! WHITE-MAN: (seemingly impressed with Akpos' zeal to sell goods) No, but I must say, I really like your spirit! AKPOS; Is that all sir? This spirit was exclusively ordered from china, the price is N5,000 sir, but prices here are negotiable, so if the price seems to high, you can tell me how much you will like to offer for it and if your offer is above N4,000, you are eligible to a 10% discount at the cashier.

14.Not Guilty

The other day, Akpos found himself in court, again for the wrong reasons.The Judge questions, "You have been charged with inflicting injuries to your neighbour's chest. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"Akpos: Not guilty your honour. I was just trying to iron out our differences.

15.Miscommunication

Akpos is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When Akpos returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly twenty pounds. "Whao! That's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Akpos nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."

16.He Kicks It!

Akpos, the son of a farmer, wakes up in the morning and is starving, so he goes downstairs for breakfast.His mom says, "Before you can eat, you need to milk the cow, get the eggs from the chickens, and feed the goats.""That's not fair!", he screams. But the mom insists.So Akpos grumbles as he's walking out to the field. He's so mad that after he milks the cow, he kicks it. Then when he grabs the eggs, he kicks the chicken. Then when he feeds the goat, he kicks it.When he comes back in, absolutely starving, his mom throws a cold bowl of custard on the table in front of him."What's this?", Akpos says. "Where's my warm breakfast?!"The mom says, "Well, you kicked the cow, so you get no milk. You kicked the chicken, so you get no eggs. You kicked the goat, so you get no fried meat."As she says this, the father comes down the stairs and trips over the cat. He gets so angry that he kicks the cat.The boy looks at his mom and says, "Do you want me to tell him the bad news or will you?"

17.Computer Exams

An exam was conducted in maritime academy on the course code Com101 (Computer Science). One of the questions is... List any 5 component of a Personal Computer (PC) and explain.Akpos answer to the question was...1. Table- Without the table, you can't use the PC.2. Chair- Without the chair, you can't sit down to operate PC.3. Hands- Without them, you can't operate the PC.4. Eyes- Without them, you can't see the PC.5. Money- Without money, you can;t buy a PC.Akpos is right now retaking the computer exams for the 8th time!

18.Three Years Ago

A teacher was teaching in the class and was disappointed that her students couldn't catch up with what she was teaching. So she said...TEACHER: You are supposed to know this! You learned this three years ago!AKPOS: But ma, I don't even remember what I ate last week.

19.Go and Read

Akpos was at the sitting room watching TV when his father came in and asked to go to his room to read. Akpos grabbed a coin on the table in front of him, flipped it in the air and said, "Head, I go play video games. Tail, I watch a TV. If it stands on the edge I'll go to my room to read."

20.Akpos Loses Family Members

Ochuko walks into a bar and sees his friend, Akpos at a table drinking by himself. Approaching Akpos, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?""My mother died in June," Akpos said, "and left me $10,000.""Gee, that's tough," replied Ochuko."Then in July," Akpos continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000.""Wow! Two parents gone in two months?! No wonder you're depressed.""And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.""Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.""Then this month," continued Akpos, "nothing!" Not a single dim !