Self Sabotage part 2

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(General P.O.V)

"Welp...this is unusual."

He started.

"Really? How so?" The bespectacled woman sitting across from him cocked her head to the side and asked. One leg was slung over the other, her hand was placed on the arm of the leather chair. She gave off the air of a stern professional yet underneath the glasses, those who knew her would have noticed a gentle light.

He gestured at himself.

"All this...the last time we spoke, I told you that the next time you saw me I would be... different."

"Mmmm." She nodded attentively.

"And...when I said that...I meant it literally. That I would PHYSICALLY be different."

He waved at his face again, seemingly waiting to see a different reaction than the calm one on her face.

"Yes, I do remember. You gave me a few keywords that upon mention would let me know that it was indeed you I was talking to." She flipped the book in her hands a few pages back, intent on reading them.

"Don't!" He shouted a little too loudly before an apologetic look crossed his face.

"Don't read them out loud. I'm embarrassed about what the audience will think of them."

He added this time calmly, though his brain was still working out why the woman before him did not seem at all fazed by his new identity. Then again, working with Lucifer probably had something to do with that.

Dr. Linda Martin frowned.

"Audience?"

He slung his feet fully onto the couch and rested his head on the arm. Dr. Martin watched the action calmly. It felt like nothing could shake her. He had been trying to disprove her of that notion by subtly pushing her buttons. They both knew it. It was a game.

"Yeah, the audience. There's a distinct possibility that reality is a sham and we're all just a story being told. Or seen. Or read."

He shrugged.

"I didn't take you for a conspiracy type."

She wondered, asking without asking.

"I'm not. I'm a hardcore realist but when you live in a world with all sorts of crazies running around, the scope of understanding and acceptance on what's real or not is redefined." He waved at himself.

"Take me for example. 2 months ago, I approached you as a black man and now my sweet chocolate eyes have been replaced by these blue lady killer orbs." He pointed to his eyes. "Thats what a normal person calls, freaky shit."

"Ergo, you believe we live in some sort of... fictional world? Are you not afraid that that particular outlook is extreme and might cause some concerns over your own existence?"

Aden in his White Shadow persona looked at the woman weirdly. Could she read minds? No, judging by the look on her face, it was clear she just wanted to understand his thinking process and maybe unearth the core of his problems. Anyone needing a therapist had them, don't let someone lie to you.

He laid his head back on the armchair.

"Not really. My existence is already too fucked up."

"Mmmh. Oh right, we talked about this during our last session. You said that you were facing... problems with your other half? How is that going?"

She enquired, leaning forward slightly.

He released a slow breath.

"Yeah still fucksville on that front Doc. I tried...I tried so fucking hard but..."

He trailed off,not really knowing how to approach that particular subject. He didn't know how he felt. It sucked but the disappointment warred with indignation with anger with sadness to make it a slushy of negative emotions that only made things worse.

"Let's leave that for now, how is your sleep?"

He sucked in a breath, finding it easier to talk once more.

"Fine, I guess."

"No more nightmares?"

She prompted. He smiled a little.

"Not really. I think I have a guardian angel on that front. No new nightmares since the one with the...demons."

His tone went slack at the end.

Doctor Martin frowned in concern.

"Lets...go back to that." He shifted uncomfortably in the couch.

"It's only for the purpose of understanding where we left off. It will only take a minute or so."

She added to ease him.

"Okay."

He nodded.

"How do you feel...concerning what happened?"

He clenched his jaw.

"What do you mean doc? My thoughts on the fact that I massacred millions upon millions of demons just to keep the earth safe? What should I feel? Guilt? Remorse? Happiness?... nothing? They deserved it. I offered them leniency and they refused so I took drastic and necessary measures. I am not losing sleep over that!"

He found himself breathing heavily, already seated up on the couch.

The therapist had a look of deep concern on her face. And while he hated pity, somehow it managed to make him feel as if someone was seeing him for him. He was about to apologize for the outburst, when she spoke up.

"Have you forgiven yourself?"

"What?"

The question caught him by surprise. Had he? Did he even...

"You should. Doing something bad to bad people does not change the nature of the action. But sometimes your intention is what matters. It is a very scary thought sometimes. Our guilt clouds the mind and makes you feel undeserving of your own forgiveness. Forgive yourself Aden or else you will never move forward."

It was a sobering thought. He hadn't forgiven himself. Not really. Just because he knew it was the right thing to do didn't change the fact that it was a bad thing. Killing them was necessary and Aden wouldn't choose another option if it meant putting what he said he'd protect in danger.

"Say it with me, 'I forgive myself.'"

Somehow those words were the hardest thing to come out of his mouth. He opened his mouth and just croaked.

"I..."

He closed his eyes and slumped back on the couch.

"It doesn't matter. I don't have any regrets about what I did."

Dr.Martin removed her specs and rubbed her eyes before placing them back on.

"You don't sound like you believe that."

She tentatively said, knowing that a gentle approach would make it harder for him to lash out.

He turned to look at her before looking away without a word.

"I see. Let's move on. Last time we spoke, you told me you liked someone. That you could see the potential of having something real there." It felt like the room got colder, yet she pushed on. "Is that still a thing?"

"Nope. I fucked that up too."

He said bluntly.

"Could you clarify please?"

Dr.Martin replied.

"What's this doc?" Aden snorted. "I thought I paid you to make me feel good about my screwed up life?"

Dr.Martin tried really hard not to roll get eyes. Teenagers.

"You pay me yes. And as you can see, the precious gemstones have been put to good use." She gestured around her immaculate office. "But I'm not here to make you feel good about your life. I'm here to guide you in working through what you need to. And we will not make significant progress if you insist on shutting me out." She said sternly.

"Aden, please stop deflecting and face your pain. Locking away the emotions you don't want by your admission, hasn't worked out that well for you now, has it?"

She finished softly.

Aden sighed, knowing she was right.

"That's a low blow doc. But...but you're right."

She didn't say anything except give a nod while waiting for him to speak up.

"Star and I...it was probably never going to work. She was too fresh from the pain. Her sister had sold her out and then she'd spent months being experimented on by some sick alien fucks!"

"Mmmh." The therapist coughed.

"Sorry about the language doc."

"It's fine. Continue."

She prompted.

"Our first time was unusual, special and my kinda fu...huh screwed up."

He chuckled, remembering the heat, the passion, the need yet hidden in a small part within them both...escape from the crushing loneliness.

"Were it any other girl...I would have been slapped the next morning. They would have accused me of taking advantage of them in a vulnerable state but... actually that was not the case with her. Looking back at it now, I realize that neither of us were to blame for our actions. It's clear that someone manipulated our desire to feel loved and brought us... together." He had a thoughtful look on his face. It was something he had always thought about. Someone was to blame yet...they gave him a gift in the way of a few special days.

"Then what happened?"

Dr.Martin's voice broke him out of his reverie. His face changed.

"I did the right thing. I told her the truth. I told her about the fact that I knew through my 'future self' that we would find each other. That something special would happen during the night of my birthday. I told her everything. And it cost me her trust."

He blinked his eyes to get rid of the stinging.

"Oh Aden."

Dr.Martin said, seeing the pain on her young client's face.

"You know...that's why I doubt it sometimes. Love. Why was it that being open, being honest is what broke us apart?"

He looked at her while asking that, seeking a genuine answer.

"I cannot give you the correct answer. Human emotions are very complicated but...I can infer from what you've told me." She shifted worriedly in her seat.

"Aden...have you considered the fact that you two bonded over your situations? For her to find out that you knew something like that...she must have felt like she was the only one without control. And trust me...not having control is a scary thing."

He looked at the therapist and considered her words.

"You're right...but it doesn't matter, no matter what she felt at the moment, doubting my intentions..." He took in a shaky breath.

"I don't have a lot of conditions for you you to be in my life Doc. Just trust me...that's all."

"Mmmmh." Dr.Martin hummed while writing something in her book.

"Let's go back to our earlier topic Aden, what is going on with your other half?"

Aden felt like groaning. He understood that it was therapy and that they were supposed to work through his emotions but the failure was too raw...too fresh.

"Well?"

Dr.Martin prompted.

'Fuck it.'

"Ok doc, you win. let's start from the top."

Aden resolved.

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A relatively calm chapter. Only one more left to explore and connect everything that happened during the three months time skip.

The next arc is crazy. Trust me.