The Teddy Bear

'We stuff our dreams into our teddy bears and sew them shut until we are ready to become kids again' -J.Conway

My childhood revolves mainly around photographs and small trinkets like my first teddy bear, which I still keep with me. Its rugged look and the torn nose is congruent with my metaphorical struggle. This bear has been there through it all. I haven't named it, or given it a gender yet, but I refer to it as a 'he'. My bear is small, about the size of my hand and he was never fluffy. His fur was like a towel in texture, rough and spiky in some places. He has brown eyes, like mine.

"Are you serious?" The other child looked at her and laughed... She looked at her feet, tears welling up in her eyes. The child snatched her teddy bear and threw it down. She picked him up, brushed him off and kissed his broken nose, whispering apologies in his ear. He was her only trusted friend and he had been there when she was sad. The bully had run off to play with the other kids. She never cried in front of them even when they teased her. She had a huge air of confidence knowing that she was a lot older than them, mentally. They didn't understand. They never would."

I found comfort in my bear, he smelt like vanilla and wood. On one particular day he bore witness to the beginning of a very unfortunate, yet significant series of events;

"She held onto her shirt like it was her last grip on a crumbling ledge. If she let go she would fall apart. Her breathing was shallow and slow. She thought if she breathed too loudly he might come back and do it again. His name was Ben, or rather 'Uncle Ben'. He was a family friend. Little did her parents know... You're probably asking yourself why she didn't tell anyone. She couldn't. 'If you tell anyone, I will hurt you, do you understand?' She would nod and take the chocolate he offered every time he dropped her off at home after a weekend. The first time it happened, she was very confused. It hurt and she couldn't understand why he had done it. She climbed up on to her bed wincing and grabbed her teddy bear. She held him close and cried quietly so her mother wouldn't hear her and ask any unnecessary questions. Her teddy bear soaked up her tears to be stored in his rough fur forever. She believed he kept her secrets and he knew she couldn't stop 'Uncle Ben', but the universe came to her rescue when her step-father announced they'd be moving away. Far away."

We moved away just in time. I was verging on a breakdown. Family life was interesting, not always good and not always bad. When it did explode, everyone let loose of pent up anger and emotion that had lain dormant since the beginning. It all happened so quickly and fluidly. It felt like a horrible nightmare that would never end. I became suicidal, my mother had attempted to kill herself and my step-father was overdosing on his bipolar meds. He crashed his car one night. I was shifting through shelters, psychiatric wards and hospitals. My brothers were young but old enough to see our family rip apart. What happens next is an explosion of adventure, near-death experiences and just weird shit altogether.

{To anyone who actually reads this, my timeline is confusing but honestly, this whole thing is just an outlet. The more I write the easier it gets to talk about. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this xxo}